Juan Guzman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Juan Guzman
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A chipped tooth
Key 1991 stat: One white T-shirt washed 75,000 times
What the heck? 

Why is Juan Guzman making that face?

A) He just got some Jheri curl juice in his mouth
B) Joe Carter's tickling him, that sneaky devil.
C) He ate some of Dave Winfield's chili about an hour ago, and the trainer doesn't have any Pepto.
D) He's so proud of stupid Canada's superior health care system that he's showing off his latest dentistry work.
E) Duh, it's a photo. He's saying "Cheese!"


Melvin Nieves, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Melvin Nieves
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two photos of the same fake jump
Key 1993 stat: One hit-by-pitch
Hazing day: Rookies put up with a lot during training camp — being called names, being forced to eat dirt, and being made to wear jock straps on their heads. Melvin Nieves was no exception. On photo day, Bip Roberts and Tony Gwynn stole Nieves' jersey and played keepaway with it. Nieves, who had raised his flat top to maximum height and lathered on the bronzer in anticipation of the shoot, fought back tears and attempted to chase down his taken top. The Upper Deck photographer saw what was coming and climbed on top the fence just in time to watch Roberts chuck the jersey toward the stands. Nieves, wearing a a Padres shirt that he was forced to buy at the team store, jumped at the fence in an attempt to prevent his jersey from leaving the park. But, much like the talent needed to play in The Show, the jersey was out of his reach. Nieves couldn't catch his jersey, but the photog caught a great shot of a supremely untalented outfielder.


Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt, 1981 Topps Home Run Leaders

Names: Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt
Teams: New York Yankees, Milwaukee Brewers, Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Outfield, outfield, third base
Value of card: In mint condition, 20 cents; this card is far from mint condition
Key 1980 stat: Some number of home runs, apparently
It's time for a three-way edition of The Matchup: 

Round 1: Movie star shades (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: Movie star squints (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Well-manicured mustache (Winner: Jackson)
Round 4: Mustache made of horse hair (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Perfectly rounded afro (Winner: Jackson)
Round 6: Homeless hair (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 7: Lack of Hall of Fame invites (Winner: Oglivie)

Score: Jackson 3, Schmidt 3, Oglivie 1

Synopsis: Hall of Famers Jackson and Schmidt were neck and neck throughout, but neither could come away with a win after non-Hall of Famer Oglivie torpedoed The Matchup.


Bryn Smith, 1993 Fleer Ultra

Name: Bryn Smith
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: Sonny, when I was your age it was worth ... still nothing, sorry
Key 1992 stat: Two broken hips
10 places you've seen Bryn Smith:
10) In front of your son's shop class, teaching
9) Contemporary Senior Male catalog, modeling short-sleeve mock turtlenecks
8) In a beer, face down
7) Your local chain restaurant, eating dinner when you're eating lunch
6) In your childhood, years ago, when he was still old
5) Right field, Over-60 Softball League, Toledo, Ohio
4) Wrinkle factory, outpacing production by himself
3) "Walker, Texas Ranger," as Chuck Norris' stunt double
2) Front porch, muttering to no one in particular
1) On a mediocre blog, still old


Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 25)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: Knowing that eye black looks kind of like camouflage in black and white
Key 1990 stat: No barehanded catches
What does Kevin Mitchell stand for?

Known to shave with a baseball bat.
Eye black stayed on even at bedtime ...
Very few ladies appreciated it, though.
Instead of another wristband, he just gave up and wrapped gauze around his arm.
Not listening to a thing the Studio photog is saying.

Might be asleep in this photo, in fact.
Immersed in thought about the Thundercats.
Took his uni off before this shoot, then hurriedly put it back on again.
Criminal record shows he assaulted father, baseballs.
He caught the following things with one hand: fly balls, cabs, bullets
Eyes are open in this photo — we think.
Loathes wearing a cup — except to the grocery store.
Lbs. — he's put on a few since this shot.


Panthers, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 92)

Name: Johnny Panthers
Team: Not sure
Position: Wildcat quarterback
Value of card: Six litter-box Tootsie Rolls (Wait a second, those aren't Tootsie Rolls.)
Key 1993 stat: Zero shoes
NFL scouting report on Johnny Panthers: "May be young, but his six-hair mustache looks veteran. ... Had a great workout until he got stuck up a tree. ... Seems to have a problem ripping off his pants with his fingernails. ... Plus: agility. Minus: licks himself. ... We're going to have a hard time finding a helmet to fit this cat. ... He would be our go-to guy if the league expands with the Memphis Mice team."


Sammy Sosa, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One shiny, new syringe
Key 1990 stat: 4,108 looks back over the shoulder
Time for a very sexy pop quiz:

What's Mr. Sosa doing here?

A) Stretching out for his next at-bat. TO THE MAX!
B) Making his teammates uncomfortable.
C) Posing for the cover of Butt Fancy Magazine.
D) Preparing for an injection of some kind.
E) All of the above.


Jim Snyder, 1989 Topps

Name: Jim Snyder
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Manager
Value of card: 173,003 leers
Key 1988 stat: One button-down undershirt
Jim Snyder's stream of consciousness from 4:41 to 4:43 p.m., May 2, 1989: "Well OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying, Ken Griffey Jr. ... Uh-oh, a dispute. Boys, Boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy ball players. Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins. ... What's that? The Little League World Series is on? Jackpot! ... Hey, Griffey, if it gets too hot and sweaty for you out there, feel free to take your shirt off. ... You don't wanna hurt yourself playing. You better stretch out those creamy hamstrings!"


Deion Sanders, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Atlanta Falcons
Positions: Outfield, cornerback, hip-hop star
Value of card: One gold-plated money sign necklace
Key 1991 stat: 12 interceptions (of pitch-outs)
Deion Sanders, By the Numbers:

186: Career stolen bases
187: Pager code sent to fellow two-sport star Bo Jackson
188: Pieces of gold worn in one month's time
112: Weight of Deion's ego, in metric tons
17: Times Deion referred to himself in the third person in one sentence, June 16, 1991
4: Deions on this card
4: Deion mirror reflections that Deion used to style Deion's hair
2: Atlanta sports teams on which Deion played
2: Legitimate solo tackles Deion made in 1992
1: More Deion on this card than on this card
0: No. 1 hip-hop hits, despite his efforts


Ernie Riles, 1990 Topps

Name: Ernie Riles
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Infield
Value of card: A stick of chewing gum included in a 1990 Topps pack, chewed in 2011
Key 1989 stat: 14-second photo session
Time for an in-your-face pop quiz:

What is Ernie Riles staring at?

(A) Someone with longer ears than his
(B) A reflection of his inappropriate bulge
(C) Both of his career highlights flashing before his eyes
(D) Bert
(E) All of the above


Jeff King, 1993 Studio

Name: Jeff King
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Third base
Value of card: Arr, a pirate's booty (a poor, drunken pirate's rear end; not treasure)
Key 1992 stat: Zero mirrors used while shaving
10 things Jeff was the king of in 1993:
10) Mock turtlenecks that didn't quite fit right
9) Fourth-grade bangs
8) Major League Baseball unibrows
7) Rusty razors
6) Awkward baseball card poses
5) Button noses
4) Classless stubble
3) Ratty handlebar mustaches
2) Looking like the Pirates mascot
1) Smelling like a pirate


Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 24)

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace (comb)
Value of card: That half of a burrito you threw in the trash three weeks ago
Key 1990 stat: One haircut trademark
Introducing ... The SaberMullet®: It's not every day that someone comes up with a new hairstyle. Of course, there's The Greasy Earmuffs, The Oil Slick and The Sasquatch Helmet. But it doesn't happen often. Today, then, is a special day, as Bret Saberhagen unveils the SaberMullet®, the latest in coiffure style. No one before has mixed the mullet with the barbershop classic The Little Boy's. Add in a healthy dose of jheri curl grease and a receding hairline, and you have a style thousands will copy but no one will replicate. The SaberMullet®, tomorrow's embarrassment today.


John Riggins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 91)

Name: John Riggins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Retired running back
Value of card: Shame
Key 1991 stat: One leather-banded wristwatch
We gotta know:

What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Well, duh.
B) Without even fully seeing it, we're pretty sure it's the tie.
C) A sport coat in team colors? Tacky!
D) The fact that John Riggins hadn't played in six years.
E) All of the above.


Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Lions
Position: Third grade
Value of card: Two cat's eye marbles
Key 1992 stat: 17 embarrassing childhood photos in circulation
Lions' scouting report on 10-year-old Frank Thomas: "Good kid with a great smile, but he has a vicious Twizzlers addiction. ... Has the heart of a Lion, which, technically, is true of all our kids. ... We can see him using a smaller glove when he's a 6-foot-5 big league first baseman in 15 years. ... Must-have skill: looks great in mesh. ... Easily the cutest kid in his class, which can be more important than baseball skills. ... Looking at dimples, he should end up a lady killer. ... If we're to believe this photo, he has experience playing ball in the middle of a forest. ... Got a VG+ in cursive handwriting, according to Ms. Coverdale. Impressive. ... Ownership needs to take into account that he can't play night games, given 'supper time.' ... Little Lizzy Vignola passed us a note saying she has a crush on him. This could prove to be a distraction. ... Even at age 10 has more power than Ron Karkovice."


Reggie Jackson, 1975 Topps

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three yellow stripes (on underwear)
Key 1975 stat: Did the Hustle 13,749 times
Fun facts about Reggie Jackson (and baseball, in general):
  • Yes, that's correct, the collar of Reggie's undershirt is a different color than its sleeves. And, yes, that's a little weird.
  • That guy in the background, over Reggie's shoulder, is not a stalker. It's Billy Martin.
  • Reggie Jackson's beard hit 36 home runs in 1975. With the ladies.
  • Yeah, so what if Reggie's singing "Stayin' Alive" while taking batting practice? You gonna do something about it?
  • Yes, that signature says "Reggie Jackson," not "Razzie Jailbait."
  • Baseball today would be at least 20 percent cooler if dudes wore aviator shades. That's a fact.



John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

Names: John Kruk, Dave Hollins, Lenny Dykstra (seated), Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions, respectively: First base, catcher, outfield, third base
Value of card: One ingrown nail
Key 1992 stat: 70 wins
Things we know and things we don't know about these guys:
  • We know Kruk liked to get hammered, all right.
  • We don't know why Dykstra appears to be wearing some sort of satin cravat.
  • We know, or at least assume, that Hollins looked like a wolverine with his shirt off.
  • We don't know what's going on with Daulton's bulge. But we can't stop staring.
  • We don't know why Dykstra had to make the nails look like a phallus. That's just weird.
  • We know that Daulton is a little too happy to be in this photo. 
  • We don't know why Daulton is into this Mayan calendar crap, but we wish he'd knock it off, Creep-o.
  • We know that Kruk should never wear a turtleneck again. Ever. Good lord.



Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Your glasses from 20 years ago
Key 1991 stat: A whole mess of home runs
An unsatisfying punchline:

Q: How many Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We're not sure. The first two got off to a great start, but the third one keeps getting hurt.


Willie McGee, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An orange
Key 1992 stat: One merciful angle
Actual conversation between Upper Deck photographer and photo editor, March 3, 1993:

Editor: "All right, here's the deal. We're tired of having photos of Willie McGee's ugly face on our cards. It upsets the children. What have you got that doesn't make me wish he was wearing a mask?"
Photog: "Hmmmm. No, not that. No. Good God. Ugh. ... (Shuffles through photos for 10 minutes.) Huh, well, there's this one. You can't really see his face, but it looks like he's about to fall over, his hands appear to be mutant claws and it looks like he's got boobs."
Editor: "Perfect! Even better, his bulge is creating its own shadow. Excellent work!"


Juan Gonzalez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 23)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A chicken, choked
Key 1990 stat: 42,910 inappropriate gestures
Top 10 slang names in the Rangers clubhouse for the, er, act Juan Gone is mimicking above:
10) Rube-in the Sierra
9) The Ranger Stranger (only after sitting on hand until it's numb)
8) The Ryan Express
7) Roughing the Hough
6) The Texas One-Step
5) Huson's First
4) Rosy Palmeiro
3) The Dirty Incaviglia (also just a nickname for Pete Incaviglia)
2) The Petralli Pet
1) The Julio Spank-o


Mel Gray, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 90)

Name: Mel Gray
Team: Detroit Lions (trust us)
Position: Kick returner
Value of card: One commemorative T-shirt
Key 1991 stat: Too fast for his own good
Mel Gray's dating profile, circa 1991:

Name: ProBowler1
Age: Old enough to know better, still too young to care
Height: Like my socks, pretty tall
Weight: 170 pounds — when I'm clothed
Hair color: A black blur
Hairstyle: I run like it's on fire
Ethnicity: All-world
Religious views: If you're punting to me, you better pray
Want children: Only in the stands
Marital status: I get around
Best feature: Pro Bowl T-shirt
Smoke? Only the kick coverage team
Drink? I did when I was in Hawaii

Seeking: Any lady who likes going to Hawaii once a year
Her body type: Legs like mine would be nice
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Hello ladies, my name's Mel Gray, but make no mistake, I see things in black and white. You may already know me — I was the starting kick returner at a little thing called the Pro Bowl. In case you missed it, just check out my shirt. It says it all. I bet you wish you could untuck it, don't you? What's that, ladies? Why yes, these shorts do go all the way up. My legs mean business; wouldn't you like to make them your business? I'm speedy as all get out, but I'm not so fast when the lights come down, if you know what I mean. I mean in the bedroom. You know, it? Yeah, that's right. You know what I'm talking about. It. Hit me up, and maybe I'll even let you see what's under the socks. Mmmmm.


Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Ken Griffey Sr., clockwise from top, Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Two of the three at the kids' table
Value of card: 3 cents (2 cents for Junior, 1 cent for Senior, zilch for Craig)
Key 1991 stat: Four family barbecues a month
It's time for The Matchup, Bloodlines version:

Round 1: Talent, baseball, 1990s-2000s (Winner: Griffey Jr.)
Round 2: Talent, baseball, 1970s-1980s (Winner: Griffey Sr.)
Round 3: Talent, sweeping floors, 1980s-2000s (Winner: Craig)
Round 4: Talent, blueberry muffin making (Winner: Craig)
Round 5: Talent, crocheting (Winner: Craig)
Round 6: Talent, hugs for Grandma Griffey (Winner: Craig)
Round 7: Talent, riding coattails (Winner: Craig)

Score: Craig 5, Junior 1, Senior 1

Synopsis: In a surprising turn of events, the surefire Hall of Famer and his all-star father go down to a little-known cousin for whom posing for a 1992 baseball card proved to be the closest he would ever get to the big leagues.


Fred Manrique, 1990 Topps

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 17 "manriques" (aka "worthless," even in Venezuela)
Key 1989 stat: Zero fans, both above and in general
Fred Manrique, By the Numbers:

20: career home runs
7: teams played for during career
2.1: home runs per team, all time
498: career games
497: career stalking charges
98: percentage of time spent during batting practice standing with bat god knows where
100: percentage of time spent smiling in delight with bat god knows where
1: "man" in his last name
0: "man" in his mirror's reflection
11: career triples
11: mustache inches


Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: Jimmy Dean's team, apparently
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two rotting sausage patties, regurgitated by a dog
Key 1992 stat: Six clogged arteries
Mr. Dean, we salute you: Wow. It's amazing when you're in the presence of greatness. Not only does this impressive card feature the one-and-only Benito Santiago sporting a wraparound mustache, it features the JD cowboy boot logo, meaning it's another example of the sensational sausage spectacle that is the Jimmy Dean collection. First, we met a young, mustachioed Ken Griffey Jr., who liked his sausage like he liked his women: short, thick and brown. Then we were introduced to Frank Thomas, who had eaten so many succulent sausages that his body wouldn't even fit within the card's frame. Now, we get Benito, still no Major League Baseball logos, still no team, but, for the first time in the Jimmy Dean collection, a whole lot of teal. Dig in, America. This is one tasty Jimmy Dean set.


Jim Leyritz, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jim Leyritz
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 1 ounce of the scent from a catcher's chest protector, bottled
Key 1991 stat: 26 innings spent standing when he should have been in the crouch
Time for questionable pop quiz:

What the hell is Jim Leyritz doing?

(A) Pretending to be Helen Keller and answering his mitt.
(B) Giving Don Mattingly "the look" after the first baseman turned him down for a date.
(C) Making sure everyone in the stadium takes a few moments to enjoy his bulge.
(D) Standing there, deep in thought, reflecting on how bad his bangs curl looks.
(E) All of the above.


Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven pieces of bark
Key 1988 stat: 7 feet tall (and that's just the bulge)
The legend of Big Mac of the Oaks: They called him Big Mac of the Oaks. He was as tall as a mighty tree and as mighty as lumberjack who chopped down mighty trees. He ate oxen whole and drank rivers in a gulp. They said his mother was a redwood and his father a sequoia. True or not, his legs were tree trunks and the arms the roots of his power. He was a massive man, no doubt, and when he walked from the forest of oaks, baseball bat in hand, throngs of awestruck onlookers came to see the great Big Mac, a man who would slowly drop his chosen maple club below his waist but above his knees, focusing the gazes of thousands upon his most impressive yet obvious feature, his wood.


Roger McDowell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 22)

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Reliever
Value of card: It ain't worth squat
Key 1990 stat: 1.2 GPA at Lasorda University
Time for a practical-joker pop quiz:

What does that prankster Roger McDowell have wrapped around his head?

(A) The sweat sock he usually has stuffed down his pants.
(B) The washcloth he uses to wipe that stupid look off his face.
(C) A "hair bra" to hold up his weighty mullet.
(D) Tommy Lasorda's tighty-whities. (throw-up sounds)
(E) None of the above.


Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: The Greatest Quarterback Ever
Value of card: The original painting sold for 11 cents in 1996. So, less than the original painting
Key 1990 stat: One state renamed for a quarterback
Behind the Numbers: We here at The Bust spent hours painstakingly counting the dots used to make this vomit-inducing awe-inspiring painting of Joe Montana. The total: 46,312.

Other times Joe Montana reached 46,312:
  • Montana residents with Joe Montana tattoos.
  • Struggling painters who tried to use Joe Montana to make a buck (including card above).
  • Connections made with Jerry Rice, and that was only when the two were hitting the club.
  • SEGA checks cashed. 
  • Times scored (including card above).



Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: In decibels, zero
Key 1988 stat: 3 inches of tongue
It's time for a very loud pop quiz:

What is Jerry Reed yelling?

(A) Arrr!
(B) Arrrgggg!
(C) Arrrgggghhhh!
(D) Arrrgggghhhhaaaarrrrgggghhhh!
(E) All of the above


Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three shell casings
Key 1990 stat: 312 broken bats
10 people sniper Bo Jackson picked off with his "fire arm":
10) The tailor who preferred too-tight pants
9) Chuck Connors
8) Some dude Bo met who doesn't wear wristbands
7) His Bizarro World nemesis, "Dough" Blackson
6) The grounds crew head, who replaced the field with a vortex
5) A member of the Blue Man Group
4) Fellow "Human Dynamo" Kirby Puckett, who looked at him funny
3) A fan in the 12th row who disparaged flip glasses
2) A linebacker trying to make a tackle on running back Bo Jackson in the following football season
1) The lead graphics designer at Score


Frank Thomas, 1991 Something Or Other

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Instruction manual for Mario Paint
Key 1991 stat: Appeared on waaaaay too many baseball cards
For Pete's sake: Anyone can make a baseball card. Here's what you'll need:
  • A color printer
  • Photo paper
  • Green construction paper (3.5 inches by 2.5 inches)
  • A glue stick
  • Line tape (red and yellow)
  • A label maker
Now, using the Interweb, print out a boring picture of your favorite baseball player. Rub the glue stick on the green construction paper and adhere the photo to it. Alternating colors, place the line tape along the edge of the photo. Then, print out a label with the player's name and place the label at the bottom of the photo. Viola! You have a craptastic baseball card!


Tim Raines, 1984 Fleer

Name: Tim "Rock" Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 grams of "rock"
Key 1983 stat: 7 inches of mustache
Fun Facts about Canada's cultural capital, Montreal, and Tim Raines:
  • Montreal's official language is French. Raines once ordered a dish a la carte, then slapped himself for using a French term.
  • Montreal is home to the NHL's Canadiens. Raines would never invite a Canadian into his home.
  • Montreal, perhaps surprisingly, is known for its jazz. Raines, probably unsurprisingly, was nicknamed "Rock" and hated jazz.
  • Montreal became a haven for Americans seeking alcohol during Prohibition. Raines considered his stomach and liver to be havens for alcohol.
  • Montreal, as a Canadian city, is second only to Toronto. Raines, as a 1980s base-stealer, is second only to Bust legend Rickey Henderson.
  • Montreal is a city with a lot of panache. Raines is a player with a lot of mustache.