Showing posts with label Next of Kin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Next of Kin. Show all posts


Paul Reuschel and Rick Reuschel, 1977 Topps Big League Brothers

Names: Rick Reuschel, Paul Reuschel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers, swapped on card (Rick is on the left)
Value of card: 10 ounces of bear cub dung
Key 1976 stat: 24 girly slap fights with each other in the locker room
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Height (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Weight (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Four-letter first name (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Standard 1970s and 1980s mustache (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitcher as position (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Skin's pinkish hue (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Cummerbund as part of uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Awkward stare (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Sweet batting helmet with no ear flaps (Winner: Rick Reuschel)
Round 10: 1960s math teacher glasses (Winner: Paul Reuschel)
Round 11: Nickname (Winner: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel)

Score: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel 2, Paul Reuschel 1, Ties 8

Synopsis: These brothers had a lot in common, but after ridiculous headgear was canceled out by ridiculous eyewear, it took a "Big Daddy" to win the day.


Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Chris Gwynn and Tony Gwynn
Teams: Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres
Positions: Outfield and outfield
Value of card: It's nothing between brothers
Key 1991 stats: 35 hits for one, 168 hits for the other
Time for a Gwynn family edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ultra-mesh undershirt peepshow (Winner: Tony)
Round 2: Weight, in ounces, of sweat collecting on neck and jacket (Winner: Chris)
Round 3: Circumference of head, measured around cheeks (Winner: Tony)
Round 4: Lip-gripping 'stache (Winner: Chris)
Round 5: Tucked-in jacket fashion faux pas (Winner: Chris)
Round 6: Overall baseball success and cheerfulness (Winner: Tony)
Round 7: Mama's favorite (Winner: Chris)

Score: Chris 4, Tony 3

Synopsis: In what has to be one of the biggest upsets in Matchup history, Chris Gwynn shows his Hall of Fame brother that a mother's love really is all that matters.


Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Howard Johnson
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Third base, father
Value of card: Two packing peanuts
Key 1991 stat: One paternity test
Pop quiz, HoJo-style:

If this child, who looks nothing like HoJo, is the son of Mrs. Howard Johnson, who is his father?

A) Howard Johnson
B) Howard Johnson's beard
C) Some hotel magnate or other
D) That rascal Keith Hernandez
E) The UPS guy


Ozzie Canseco, 1993 Pinnacle

Name: "Ozzie" Canseco
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The tails side of a nickel
Key 1992 stat: Zero "Joses." That's right. Don't even bother checking any documents.
The old switcheroo: Jose Canseco was a slugger known in the early 1990s for his towering home runs and Hollywood lifestyle. He had an ego as big as his bat, and both were often on display. Then, Jose Canseco's life came crumbling down. He got divorced, arrested and was accused of using steroids as a tool of his trade. With his life in a tailspin, Canseco left the game. A few months later, the Cardinals signed a slugging outfielder by the name of "Ozzie" Canseco. He hit for power, ran with speed and always wore a shirt that read, "Bash Brother 4 Life." Reporters pestered "Ozzie" about his past. He would shirk the questions and point to what he called a birthmark on his hand. "See, how could I be Jose with this birthmark?" he would say. A reporter would usually speak up and tell him it looked like a circle colored in with a Sharpie marker. "Pay that no mind," Ozzie would say, "I am Ozzie Canseco, brother to Jose, who has disappeared and left me, a clean, sober, law-abiding physical specimen to carry the baseball torch for the Canseco kin." To this, a reporter would usually say, "Jose?" To which "Ozzie" would always turn and reply, "Yes," before running from the locker room.



Chris Gwynn, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Chris Gwynn
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Outfield, bat in junk
Value of card: Unsure about the card, but Gwynn is getting his money's worth
Key 1992 stat: 6 ounces of "pine tar" on bat
Chris Gwynn's stream of consciousness, 1:14 to 1:16 p.m. May 14, 1992: "Man, where can I put this bat? On my shoulder? No, that's uncomfortable. In my hands? No, that looks awkward. Should I lay it on the field? No, that's disrespectful. Where to put it. Where to put it. What about right here, nestled in my groin. Ooh, yeah. That feels great. And I bet I look pretty masculine. Ooh, yeah. I'll have to tell the wife about this one. I wonder if Dad ever hung out in the on-deck circle like this. I said "hung out." Ha, ha. Ooh, baby. This is nice. What if I shift my weight to the left a bit? Oooooooh, that's the ticket. Why is the pitcher looking at me funny? Who cares. I'm taking this bat out to dinner tonight."