Showing posts with label Rape stare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rape stare. Show all posts


Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Name: Anders Hedberg
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One boarding pass from 2012
Key 1977-78 stat: Gave everyone the willies
Fill your intermission with this pop quiz: Who didn't Anders Hedberg frighten with his "smile"?

A) His own mother
B) Satan
C) Charles Manson
D) Thomas Lewis
E) None of the above      everybody was creeped out by Anders Hedberg



Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Jose (not Cuervo)
Key 1984 stat: 512 bones in face, apparently
A real looker: The fear struck into the hearts of men (and women) by Jose Cruz has been previously documented on this site. Even Dick Perez was so horrified that all he could come up with for a background was a purple square. Let's review: There's the soullessness of Jose's eyes, which can bore through any skull and see the deepest fears therein. There's the rapey gaze that makes people of all genders clench their legs shut even more quickly than when they hear the word "prolapse." And then there's the monobrow, which      well, actually, that monobrow is pretty funny. Imagine being Perez and painting that thing in. If he hadn't been so terrified by the rest of Cruz's face, it probably would have been the best moment of his Donruss career.


Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 fans blinded by Koosman's baby-blue uniform
It's time for a Twin Cities edition of The Caption, which absolutely did not appear in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in the early 1980s: "Jerry Koosman, center, of the Minnesota Twins stands motionless for the third of five hours while frightening dozens of fans who dare cross the path of his evil devil stare before a game — which he wouldn't play in mainly because of his age but also because his manager held a grudge after Koosman once told him he got his last name when he was dating the manager's daughter —  at Metropolitan Stadium against the Detroit Tigers when it was 22 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of 11 on Tuesday in Minneapolis."


Sean Landeta, 1991 Pro Line Portrait Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 30)

Name: Sean Landeta
Team: New York Giants
Position: Punter
Value of card: The opposite of "giant" value
Key 1990 stat: Zero everything but punts
Sean Landeta, By the Numbers:

4: Balls on the ground
2: Balls it took to wear that parka

2: Football helmets on the ground
1: Hair helmets on the head

3,981: New York kids who had this parka
18: New York Giants who had this parka
3,981: New York firefighters who had this mustache

18: Minutes spent in a photo session in the middle of the road
212: Photos that ended up on the cutting-room floor
18: Body parts that ended up cut up when a tractor-trailer came down the middle of the road


Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)


Gerald Perry, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Gerald Perry
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: One of those blue arrows, jabbed in your eye
Key 1988 stat: Name was still better than "Gaylord"
Yep, that's disturbing all right: Gah, we can't even look at this card for very long. Maybe it's the way Perry's right eye points down while his left eye points up. Maybe it's the way the "A" on his hat is pointed right at us even though the hat brim is clearly cocked slightly to one side. Or maybe it's the rape stare that our friend Perez made Gerald Perry wear. Whatever it is, we're going to go huddle under our blankets until you move on to the next card. Hurry!


Dave Kryskow, 1975-76 Topps (Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Dave Kryskow
Team: Atlanta Flames (who knew?)
Position: Forward
Value of card: More if it were thrown into flames
Key 1974-75 stat: 2,632 minutes in the penalty box (after games; he was homeless for a while)
It's time for a pop quiz that's on ice:

Why was Dave Kryskow known as a creepy player?

(A) He liked to "poke check" a bit too much.
(B) His idea of a "power play" involved duct tape and a rope.
(C) When his team would "pull the goalie," he'd ask for the same treatment.
(D) He was considered a "penalty killer," not because of his prowess when the team was shorthanded, but because of actual killings.
(E) He spent a lot of time in the "referee's crease."
(F) He was an expert at the "slap shot": downing 3 ounces of Winner's Cup vodka and slapping the nearest person.
(G) He dated a zamboni.
(H) All of the above


Jose Cruz, 1986 Fleer League Leaders

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of Houston-area tap water, spit in your face
Key 1985 stat: 16 creases in one card
What a gamer! Jose Cruz led the league in these categories in 1985:
  • Scary rape stares at no one in particular.
  • Outfield. Yup. Outfield.
  • Gargantuan Puerto Rican afros
  • Indecipherable interviews with The Bust.
  • Showing up to empty stadiums three hours after games ended.
  • Cruz'n.
  • Unfitting hats.
  • Being a complete and total Astro.
  • Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez look-alike contest victories.
  • Cheesy, baby-blue pinstriped baseball cards.



Jim Snyder, 1989 Topps

Name: Jim Snyder
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Manager
Value of card: 173,003 leers
Key 1988 stat: One button-down undershirt
Jim Snyder's stream of consciousness from 4:41 to 4:43 p.m., May 2, 1989: "Well OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying, Ken Griffey Jr. ... Uh-oh, a dispute. Boys, Boys. We can settle this like reasonable and sexy ball players. Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins. ... What's that? The Little League World Series is on? Jackpot! ... Hey, Griffey, if it gets too hot and sweaty for you out there, feel free to take your shirt off. ... You don't wanna hurt yourself playing. You better stretch out those creamy hamstrings!"


Fred Manrique, 1990 Topps

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 17 "manriques" (aka "worthless," even in Venezuela)
Key 1989 stat: Zero fans, both above and in general
Fred Manrique, By the Numbers:

20: career home runs
7: teams played for during career
2.1: home runs per team, all time
498: career games
497: career stalking charges
98: percentage of time spent during batting practice standing with bat god knows where
100: percentage of time spent smiling in delight with bat god knows where
1: "man" in his last name
0: "man" in his mirror's reflection
11: career triples
11: mustache inches


Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene Robinson
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Safety, Oakley Blades spokesman, saxophone player, foot model, tease
Value of card: As many cents as stripes on his pants
Key 1990 stat: 22 times mistaken for this man
10 reasons this is the greatest football card of all time. Of all time:
10) His fingernails are longer than a dope fiend's.
9) Shoes? Shoes? Not when your feet are this pretty.
8) He somehow makes wristbands look explicitly feminine.
7) He's wearing more ridiculous Zubaz than even the Nigerian Nightmare.
6) Oakley Blades weren't enough. He needed bright yellow Oakley Blades.
5) His shadow almost looks embarrassed about this outfit.
4) He's standing like a ballerina.
3) He flexed his ab muscles and his shirt exploded.
2) The instrument hanging around his neck.
1) The instrument winding its way down his left leg.


Tom Newberry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Newberry
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One hair peninsula
Key 1991 stat: Zero dates

It's lockout fever: With rumors swirling that the NFL lockout is about to be, well, unlocked, we here at the Bust thought we'd bring you a week of hilarious writing. But why start now? Instead, this week will be dedicated to the most ridiculous set of football cards known to mankind: the 1991 Pro Line Portraits. Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to start studying for a fantasy football draft we worried might not happen.

Tom Newberry's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: RamIt66
Age: 29
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 285 lbs. of raw steel
Hair: A peninsula of passion
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Want children? What, more?
Relationship status: I'm on good terms with Jim Everett
Best feature: Designer sweatpants
Smoke? The L.A. air is bad enough
Drink? Only when Dickerson spikes the Gatorade

Seeking: Ramming it
Location: Anywhere you can ram it
Her height: Ram
Her weight: It
Her ethnicity: Ram-anian

About me: Hi ladies. I'd like to tell you about a cause that's close to my heart: Ramming it. A few years ago, My Los Angeles Ram teammates and I made a hit music video called "Let's Ram It" — you may have seen me starring in the background. And while some people said that 5 1/2 minutes was painfully too long and that it lacked "good choreography," neither of those criticisms hits the point. The point is: Let's ram it! There are millions of people in this world each night who aren't able to ram it. College students, middle-aged professionals, senior citizens — all without the opportunity to ram it. Ladies, it's time to do your part. Drop me a line, and I'll show you how you can help the less fortunate — including myself — ram it like they've never rammed it before.


Roger Clemens, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A free anger-management class
Key 1986 stat: One made-up statistic
Answer us this: What's got Roger Clemens dropping F-bombs in the above photo?

A) Fleer got his ERA wrong (2.48 in '86,  3.29 in '85).
B) The photog just asked him to pronounce Bucky Dent's name.
C) He's just suggesting a way for Dave Winfield to fill his leisure time.
D) Just got his first look at Mindy McCready.
E) 'Roids, bro. 'Roids.


Jeff Leonard, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeffrey Leonard
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Less than one star
Key 1984 stat: Refused to wear team-issued clothing
When flash photography goes wrong: We were going to make our typical brand of jokes about Jeff Leonard, his nondescript clothing, his backward hat, and (as usual) his mustache, but we've been partially blinded by the light reflecting off his forehead. Just because this is an all-star card, doesn't mean it needs to have a light source comparable to sun, Topps!

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp


Ron Villone, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ron Villone
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Relief pitching prospect
Value of card: Whatever these crazy bar charts mean
Key 1994 stat: Eight minor-league saves
Top 10 categories not listed by the "Topps Skills Rating System" on the back of this fabulous card:
10) Number of big-league appearances (0)
9) Number of Villones on this card (3)
8) Open-mouth rape stare: (8.4)
7) Tradeability (10.0)
6) Hot dog eating (7.1)
5) Number of team's he'd pitch for by 2010 (12)
4) Appearances in the Mitchell Report (1)
3) Chin (2.0)
2) I.Q. (85)
1) Mullet (Immeasurable)

Bonus nugget from Wikipedia: "During a July 23, 2010, game with the Durham Bulls, Villone took the mound in the eighth inning with a one-run lead but gave up a walk to what would become the tying run. He then threw to first base 12 times to hold the runner, without once throwing to home plate, annoying the crowd, who booed Villone mercilessly. When Villone finally threw to home plate, the batter bunted the ball back to Villone, who appeared to be caught off guard and failed to make the play. The local press called him visibly 'rattled' at that point. Villone walked the next batter and hit the following batter with a two-strike pitch to force in the tying run. He was immediately pulled from the game. Less than a month later, on Aug. 12, 2010, he was once again released after posting an ERA of 6.59 during his time in Triple A."


Leon Durham, 1981 Topps

Name: Leon Durham
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A bag of rusty razor blades
Key 1980 stat: Average body temperature of 82.4 degrees Farenheit
What does Leon Durham stand for?

Licking his teeth, always attractive
Error in 1984 NLCS was his most famous play
Open mouth caught a lot of flies
Nine pounds of glasses

Deep in thought about how delicious mustard is
Unnecessarily huge collar kept the back of his head warm
Rape stare makes us feel nervous
Helmet hair nothing new to Leon
Above-average ability to wear a jacket
Mustache-goatee combo much better than his fielding skills


Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebarcker, male model
Value of card: No shirt
Key 1990 stat: Sacked everything that moved
What Derrick Thomas stands for:

Disrobed for this photo shoot.
Even though no one asked him to.
Rushed the passer like the passer owed him money.
Rape stare leaves us feeling a little uneasy.
In spite of the photos on this card, he was not constantly hunched over.
Chiefs were actually good, once upon a time.
Knuckles look nice and shiny here.

Thin mustache was the least intimidating thing about him.
Hall of Fame induction came far too soon.
Offensive linemen couldn't stop him, but a snowstorm did.
Moral of his story: Wear your seatbelt and don't speed.
AFC's most feared defender was actually just misunderstood.
Shaved every 15 minutes — and not just his face.


Luis Delos Santos and Jim Campbell, 1989 Fleer

Names: Luis Delos (not "de los," mind you) Santos, Jim Campbell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Infielder, relief pitcher, respectively
Value of card: 1 cent for each bust
Key 1988 stats: Between the two of them, none
It's time for a gutter-trash version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Nose size (Winner: Santos)
Round 2: Beer gut potential (Winner: Campbell)
Round 3: Biggest necklace knot (Winner: Santos)
Round 4: Mullet flair (Winner: Campbell)
Round 5: Rape stare (Winner: Santos)
Round 6: Mustache hygiene (Winner: Campbell)
Round 7: Hair juice accumulated, one day (Winner: Santos)

Score: Santos 4, Campbell 3

Synopsis: Back and forth, back and forth. So it was in this epic Matchup between two Royals prospects who seemed to be in a race to decide who could flame out the fastest. In the end, Santos and his cheap, tangled jewelry proved that jheri curl can upset an unkempt mullet at the drop of a hat.



Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Motown Mashers Junkyard Inc.
Positions: Designated hitter, catcher; demolition specialists
Value of card: One rusted-out catalytic converter from a 1976 Buick Skyhawk
Key 1992 stat: 12 vehicles beat with baseball bats into 3-foot-by-3-foot squares, one hour
Taking it to Detroit for The Matchup:

Round 1: Bulge, belly bulge (Winner: Fielder)
Round 2: Eye black overuse (Winner: Tettleton)
Round 3: Double obnoxious armbands (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Rape stare (Winner: Tettleton)
Round 5: Facial hair of a hobo (Winner: Fielder)
Round 6: Not-so-distant future actually working in a junkyard (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Tiger-licious man boobs (Winner: Fielder)

Score: Fielder 3, Tettleton 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was gut-check time for these Detroit power hitters, and that could only mean one thing: Cecil Fielder and his 414 pounds of grrrrrrrr-th overcame Mickey Tettleton and his scary stare on the larger Tiger's way to eating his way out of baseball and becoming a sweat-stained wrecking yard worker.



Chuck Daly and Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Finals Week No. 2)

Names: Chuck Daly, Pat Riley
Teams: Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Lakers
Positions: Coaches
Value of card: A small pile of gray hairs
Key 1989-90 stat: Two executive haircuts
Coaches are in the spotlight in The Matchup:

Round 1: Popped collar (Winner: Daly)
Round 2: Leather skin (Winner: Riley)
Round 3: Look of love (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Rolex knock-off (Winner: Daly)
Round 5: Chest hair poof (Winner: Riley)
Round 6: Inch-deep wrinkles (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Womanly features (Winner: Daly)
Round 8: Umbrella-sized ears (Winner: Riley)
Round 9: Mafia hair helmet (Winner: Riley)

Score: Riley 4, Daly 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: It took the entire All-Star Weekend to figure it out, but Lakers coach Pat Riley squeezed out a victory against the Pistons' Chuck Daly by the slimmest of margins. The outcome again proves that no matter how much two grown men seem to lust for each other, there are no friends in The Matchup.