Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Name: Mary Lou Retton
Event: Gymnastics
Medal count: 1 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Its value is not recognized in the Eastern Bloc nations. Or anywhere, really.
Key 1984 stat: Upper legs the size of Greek columns
Little Miss Perfect: Mary Lou Retton was America's sweetheart in 1984 after becoming the first woman from the U.S. to win the Olympic gymnastics all-around title. Of course, everyone has secrets. Here are a handful of things that might make you change your opinion about this "innocent" creature:

• In 1983, she found $5 on the ground and didn't turn it in to lost and found
• In middle school, she wrote in some of her textbooks. In ink!
• She has four children, which means she definitely did you-know-what with a boy several times.
• She probably had to kiss a communist or two on the cheek during her career.
• In 1993, she was in an episode of "Baywatch," aka "Smutwatch."
• Well, just look at that outfit!

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Rob Dibble, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 37)

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three bags of barbershop shavings
Key 1990 stats: 13 stripes, 50 stars
Rob Dibble is wearing a U.S. flag pin on his cap; 10 reasons he loves America:
10) In 1991, it was a nation of mullets.
9) He has pet bald eagles.
8) Apple pie. (Yes, for the crude reason you're thinking about.)
7) No other nation provides such an ideal environment for punching yourself in the chin.
6) He has 50 (mental) states.
5) He doesn't; that's actually Pac-Man on his hat eating a ghost.
4) He (expletive) hates the metric system.
3) He plays in Cincinnati, so he loves being anywhere else in the country.
2) He has an uncle Sam.
1) He plays for the Reds, but he hates Commies.

Rob Dibble, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 37)

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Tony Phillips

Team: USA! USA! USA!
Positions: Pitcher, patriot
Value of card: Freedom ain't free; this card is
Key 1991 stat: 50 stars on flag, zero stars on this card
Opposing team's scouting report on pitcher Tony Phillips: "This kid loves his country almost as much as he loves posing for worthless baseball cards. ... Wow! He's a master of disguise. ... Once threw a ball at a Commie. An 88-year-old Commie, but a Commie nonetheless. ... We'll need to cover up those childish rosy-red cheeks with a lot of eye black. ... Smart kid. Reps the card company on his sleeve during a photo shoot for the card company. ... Sleeps in the nude with only a star-spangled banner. ... Told a scout he's so American, he keeps a Washington Monument in his pants. ... Lathers himself in apple pie whenever he's alone. ... Will bean any opposing player who supports the metric system."

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: Eight pounds of liberty
Key 1991 stat: 75,052 salutes to the flag
Proud to be an American, Part 3: How American was Thurman Thomas during his playing days? Thurman Thomas was so American, he refused to sign with any team but the Bills or Patriots because he had to wear red, white and blue at all times. He was so American that he set a goal each season to run for exactly 1,776 yards. He was so American that he petitioned to have his name changed to Thurman Thomas Jefferson. He was so American, he had the words "Don't tread on me" tattooed across his backside. Thurman Thomas was so American that he used a herd of buffalo to crush every foreign-made car in upstate New York. He was so American, he made referees trade in their yellow flags for American flags. Thurman Thomas was so damn American, he carved the faces of every president, all the Supreme Court justices, Benjamin Franklin AND Betsy Ross into the side of a cliff and called it Mount Rushmore 2! USA! USA! USA!

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)

Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Freedom isn't free
Key 1993 stats: 50 stars, 13 stripes
Proud to be an American, Part 2: How American was Frank Thomas during his playing days? He was so American, he lived inside the Lincoln Memorial and bathed in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. He was so American, he bred bald eagles and rode one to each game. He was so American, he kept copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and the Bill of Rights in his bathroom as reading material. Frank Thomas was so American, both his names were those of former presidents. He was so American he recited the Pledge of Allegiance before every at-bat. He was so American, he arm-wrestled Mark McGwire in every national park for the title of Most American Person Ever. Frank Thomas was so damn American, he swam the Mississippi River, bare-knuckle boxed a grizzly bear and kicked Fidel Castro in the groin all in one day! USA! USA! USA!

Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Mark McGwire, 1991 Fleer Illustration

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's, America
Position: First base
Value of card: You can't put a price on freedom
Key 1990 stat: Zero pinkos befriended
These colors don't run: How American was Mark McGwire during his playing days? Mark McGwire was so American that all of his meals consisted of hot dogs, apple pie and beer. Mark McGwire was so American, he drove a monster truck through a wheat field to every game, even if it meant going thousands of miles out of his way. Mark McGwire was so freaking American that he sang the national anthem before, during and after every game. He was so American that he loved his mother so much, he had her cloned and married her. He was so American that he shot off fireworks every day, because for Americans, every day is Independece Day. He was so American that he made out with the Statue of Liberty. How American was Mark McGwire? He was so damn American that he threw a silver dollar across the Potomac, body-slammed Hitler and remembered the Alamo, all in one motion. USA! USA! USA!

Mark McGwire, 1991 Fleer Illustration