Showing posts with label Dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dog. Show all posts


Ben McDonald, 1993 Milk Bone SuperStars

Names: Ben McDonald, Ace and Max
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore Chocolate Labs
Positions: Pitcher, retrievers
Value of card: Two hearts cut in a bench
Key 1992 stat: Four bones buried in the backyard (each)
Not the sharpest tool in the shed: We here at the Bust love Ben McDonald, but he was definitely a little strange. Previously, we detailed the time he tried to talk to the president though a fake microphone. And while Ben could keep his jeans pleated like no one's business, he was certainly gullible, as evidenced by this card. He bought loose-fitting camouflage shirts, expecting to be invisible wherever he went. He purchased a whole litter of chocolate Labradors, expecting them to actually taste like chocolate. And when he found out Baltimore's team was actually called the "Orioles" instead of the "Oreos," he ripped out his uniform's stitching and downed a whole package of Double Stuffs. Hey, at least he didn't eat the dogs.


Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.


Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Craig Biggio, Shelbee the dog
Team: Houston Astros, Houston Fleabags
Positions: Second base, family pet
Value of card: One lick from either of the above
Key 1992 stat: For Biggio, less fashion sense than his dog
Shelbee the dog's train of thought from 11:29 to 11:31 a.m., Feb. 2, 1993: "Dad, why are you spelling my name out for that stranger? And how many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Shelby,' with a Y. Only an idiot would use two E's. ... Oh, it's picture time? Great! You're going to change your clothes, right? Um, dad? You're not going to wear a tucked-in T-shirt and a brand-new white ball cap, right? ... No, let go of me! I can't be seen with you like this! Oh doggone-it, why are you sitting down? No, don't      no, don't spread your legs like that! Those jeans are tighter than my collar! Everyone will be able to see the Killer B's! ... Jeez, this is embarrassing. That's it, I'm pooping in your cleats."


Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Champagne
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore-area fleabags
Positions: Shortstop, bitch
Value of card: 12 dead fleas
Key 1992 stat: 22 cars chased (Ripken)
It's time for a man-vs.-beast edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: In need of an ambitious brushing (Winner: Ripken)
Round 2: Had to wear one of those cones around his neck after surgery (Winner: Ripken)
Round 3: Once humped the leg of the Orioles mascot (Winner: Ripken)
Round 4: Caught a case of fleas in his "coat" (Winner: Ripken)
Round 5: Enjoys a good scratch behind his ear (Winner: Ripken)
Round 6: Kicks up legs after going No. 2 (Winner: Ripken)
Round 7: Appears to be wearing a collar in this photo (Winner: Ripken)

Score: Ripken 7, Champagne 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: In this battle of man vs. beast, Ripken completes a shutout win, allowing him to partake in the spoils of victory and sip Champagne. (vomit noises)


Karl Malone, 1992-93 Upper Deck FaniMation (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 2)

Name: Karl "The Mailman" Malone
Team: Utah Jazz
Position: Power forward
Value of card: 46 cents (current stamp price)
Key 1991-92 stat: Zero letters delivered
Fun facts about Karl "The Mailman" Malone and real mail carriers:
  • The Mailman delivered victories and excitement to legions of fans. Mail carriers deliver letters and parcels to fewer and fewer households.
  • The Mailman for years sported short-shorts. Mail carriers for decades have also sported short-shorts.
  • The Mailman made millions of dollars over his distinguished career. Mail carriers survive millions of paper cuts over their distinguished careers.
  • The Mailman, for years, was a force in the post. Mail carriers, for certain, force you to wait at the post office.
  • The Mailman, for a power forward, was a feared shooter. Mail carriers, for a time, were feared shooters.



Will Clark, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One dog treat, post-digestion
Key 1992 stat: 500 dog turds picked up
Man vs. beast: We'll go ahead and assume that "Psycho" is the name of Will Clark's dog and not just Milk Bone's assessment of Clark's mental state. In that case, it's time for a Matchup.

Round 1: Furriness (Winner: Psycho, barely)
Round 2: Worse breath (Winner: Clark)
Round 3: Ability to hit balls (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Ability to fetch balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 5: Ability to lick balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 6: Number of legs humped (Winner: Clark, surprisingly)
Round 7: Better liked by Mrs. Clark (Winner: Psycho)
Round 8: More in need of a flea dip (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Psycho 4, Clark 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! Yes, Psycho is a good boy! What a good doggy!

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner


Dennis Rodman, 1994-95 Topps Rebound Hound (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Forward
Value of card: One used flea collar
Key 1994-95 stat: Never took off that mask, not even to shower or sleep
Fun facts about "rebound hound" Dennis Rodman and actual hounds:
  • Hounds come in many shapes, sizes and colors. So did Dennis Rodman's hair.
  • Some hounds are known for their loud, braying barks. Rodman is known for his loud, braying outfits.
  • Some hounds are called sighthounds, and track prey using their speed to keep it in sight. Judging by the sight of some of the photos of Rodman, he may have been using speed and lord knows what else.
  • Some hounds are called scenthounds, and track prey using their sense of smell. It's a fair bet that Rodman would be easy to find by his scent.
  • Hounds and other dogs are sometimes sent to nursing homes to spend time with people who are shut-ins or have dementia. Rodman recently visited North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, who falls into both of those categories.
  • Hounds sometimes work as a team to wear out game. Rodman starred in "Double Team" with Jean-Claude Van Damme, wearing out audiences.
Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp


Ron Coomer, 2001 Topps

Name: Ron "Coom Dawg" Coomer
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Fleas
Key 2000 stat: 48 chew toys destroyed
Fun facts about the bluetick coonhound and this blue-clad Coom Dawg:
  • The bluetick coonhound is known for its keen sense of smell. The Coom Dawg was known for smelling like fried cheese.
  • The bluetick coonhound is muscular and speedy. The Coom Dawg was the exact opposite of that.
  • The bluetick coonhound's paws are larger than those of almost all other dog breeds. The Coom Dawg's gut was larger than that of almost all other professional athletes.
  • The bluetick coonhound needs lots of exercise to stay happy. The Coom Dawg's favorite "exercise" was shotgunning a beer.
  • The bluetick coonhound is excellent around families and children. The Coom Dawg frightened families and children.
  • The bluetick coonhound is known to greet strangers by howling at them and then sniffing them incessantly. So is the Coom Dawg.



Willie Ansley, 1989 Topps No. 1 Draft Pick

Name: Willie Ansley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Bulldog poo
Key career stat: Zero major league games
Houston Astros scouting report on top draft pick Willie Ansley: "Claims to be Willie Mays-Hayes, but plays more like Wesley Snipes. ... Obsessed with bulldogs. High school mascot is the Tigers, but he went ahead and painted a portrait of a bulldog on the school's outfield fence. Not really sure what to make of this. ... Couldn't win a footrace with a fish. ... Struck out 100 times. From a tee. ... Best catch he made all year was taking Sheila Cutberth to prom. ... Could see him never reaching the bigs and being out of baseball in six years. Still, can't be any worse than Brian Meyer. ... Right?"



Wally Joyner, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Wally, Chloe and Shadow, in no particular order
Team: The Milk Bone Dog Show
Position: Sitting on hay. Wait, what?
Value of card: Pile of throw-up after 20 minutes of grass eating (Joyner)
10 titles for this card:
10) "Two Canines and a Flea Bag"
9) "Wally Joyner - Unleashed"
8) "The Sweater of My Discontent"
7) "Wally's Own Westminster Kennel Club"
6) "Put 'Em Down, All Three of Them"
5) "Slacks, White Socks and Lots of Hair"
4) "Bow - Wow"
3) "Wally Loves Dem Bitches"
2) "Sweater Puppies"
1) "The Ticks of Wrath"



Nolan Ryan, 1992 Donruss Coca-Cola insert

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, puppy mill owner
Value of card: A two-pack of flea collars
Key 1991 stat: One arrest for animal abuse
Man's cutest friend: Don't let that smile fool you — Nolan Ryan is a very angry man in this photo. He'll be damned if some puppy is going to out-cute him. Incensed at the retriever's better grin, softer fur and superior fashion sense, the pitcher lashed out at the conclusion of this shoot. Ryan put the dog in a headlock, then picked him up and chucked him across the barnyard as hard as he could. The pup, however, had the last laugh, eating what was left of the pitcher's bean-and-frank lunch and then leaving a "Ryan Express" on the man's pillow.



Eric Turner, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Turner, aka Bad Bone
Team: Cleaverland Browns
Position: Safety
Fright value of card: Four Milk Bones
Key 1994 splat: Graduated from obedience school
Bow-wow-wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay: Eric Turner loved his Coke Monsters of the Gridiron costume so much, he decided to keep it and wear it on game days. Members of Cleveland's notorious Dawg Pound were thrilled. The players on the field? Not so much. His teammates quickly grew tired of seeing him try to intercept passes with his mouth, and the constant ruffing-the-passer penalties didn't help. And it was just plain gross when Turner would lift his leg on the down marker and do his "business" on the 50-yard line. The last straw came when a brutally cold December game against Pittsburgh had to be stopped while Turner humped referee Ed Hochuli's leg. Coach Bill Belichick presented Turner with an ultimatum: Stop wearing the dog costume or get "fixed." Turner chose to leave the outfit at home, but was so heartbroken he died in 2000 at the age of 31 — or 217 in dog years.


Joe Girardi, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Worth its weight in ticks
Key 1992 stat: 381 games of fetch played
A dog's life — and near-death: I know what you're thinking: What's up with Joe Girardi's baggy brown sweater? What you may not have noticed is that there's a fuzzy white dog sitting on Girardi's pool table. This is Nikko, the catcher's beloved bichon frise. Girardi would spend hours tossing billiard balls for Nikko to fetch, feeding him chalk and trying to comb frizzy white hairs out of his garbage-bag-size clothing. Eventually, the Cubs' backstop taught Nikko how to jump on his pool table and do trick shots with his nose. Teammates Paul Assenmacher and Andre "The Hawk" Dawson mocked Girardi for the girly-dog he called friend -- until Nikko schooled them in a game of snooker. But the fun nearly came to an end one night in August 1992. Girardi had arrived home from a nine-day West Coast swing and was eager to get in a game of doggie nine ball. Nikko, however, had taken ill. A frantic Girardi rushed his best friend to the veterinarian, where it was discovered the pooch had somehow swallowed a pool ball. It had moved into the pup's lower intestine, and surgery would likely kill the dog, the doctor said. Forced to choose between putting down Nikko and hoping the object would run its course, Girardi chose life. A sleepless, painful 24 hours later, the bichon frise managed an epic bowel movement. It was the first and only time in Girardi's career that he was happy to be responsible for a passed ball.
Not making this up: On the back of the card, it reads, "Nikko is a great pool player and likes to run around with the laundry."