Showing posts with label Raiders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Raiders. Show all posts


Al Davis, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Football Friday No. 225)

Name: Al Davis
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Owner
Value of card: One black hole
Key 1992 stat: Just won seven games, baby
Good ol' Al: Al Davis was definitely proud of his three Super Bowl victories. Here are a few other things he was proud of.

  • His all-white wardrobe
  • Sunglasses with chains on them
  • His chicken-skin
  • JaMarcus
  • A commitment to excellence*
*Expired in 2002


Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Name: Todd Christensen
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Tight end
Value of card: It's value is the equivalent of picking up one yard on fourth down and 10
Key 1988 stat: 217 meaningful stares
It's a north-of-the-neck Matchup, featuring Todd Christensen's mustache and hairdo:

Round 1: Plushness (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Curliness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 3: Greasiness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 4: More food stuck in it (Winner: Hairdo, actually)
Round 5: Respectability (Winner: Mustache)
Round 6: Makes the ladies swoon (Winner: Neither)
Round 7: More befitting the Raider Way (Winner: Mustache)
Round 8: Helps prevent concussions (Winner: Hairdo)

Final score: Hairdo 4, Mustache 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Christensen's mustache stood tall, but not nearly as tall as his curly pseudo-fro, which we're sure Todd in no way regrets at all.


Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.


Chester McGlockton, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 44)

Name: Chester McGlockton
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Playing for the Raiders (minus the NFL salary)
Key 1992 stat: Spent Super Bowl Sunday in an empty room
Time for an iconic quiz: What does this card symbolize?

A) The Raiders' on-field success since 1992
B) The Raiders' draft strategy since 1992 (McGlockton and a bunch of nobodies)
C) The Raiders' home attendance since 1992
D) The number of Raiders fans who have gotten over the Tuck Rule game
E) All of the above



John Vella, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 183)

Name: John Vella
Team: Oakland Raiders
Position: Tackle
Value of card: Six Brawny paper towel sheets
Key 1976 stat: 178,008 beard hairs
John Vella is the manliest man we've ever seen; here are some of his manliest exploits:
  • Once, he put on a red-and-black-plaid flannel shirt; five minutes later, 42,000 trees voluntarily fell in the forest.
  • Once, he shaved his beard at the request of a female fan; five minutes later, this photo was taken.
  • Once, he arm-wrestled a Kodiak bear; five minutes later, the NFL team in Chicago changed its name to the "Chicago John Vellas"
  • Once, he mistakenly walked into a Victoria's Secret store; five minutes later, everything on the shelves and racks had disappeared.
  • Once, he was asked about his feelings after a game; five minutes later, he was still looking at the reporter, confused, wondering what these "feelings" were.
  • Once, he walked into a maternity ward; five minutes later, all the babies were back inside their mothers and when they were born they came out with black beards.



Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Name: Kenny Stabler
Team: Oakland Raiders (a long, long time ago)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 28 pieces of snakeskin
Key 1991 stat: Seven continents on his pants
Kenny Stabler's nickname was "The Snake"; here are some other nicknames fans could have assumed he went by after looking at this card:
  • Kenny "The Hammer Pants" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Mock Turtleneck" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Laughable Sports Card" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Doc Brown Haircut from 'Back to the Future'" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Phallic Reference" Stabler
  • Kenny "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts" Stabler



Willie Gault, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 23)

Name: Willie Gault
Team: Oakland Raiders
Positions: Wide receiver, nearly naked
Value of card: 181 pounds of awkward
Key 1992 stat: Didn't regret this photo one bit
Football's back, and so is the shame: The NFL season is officially here, which means every Sunday from today through Super Bowl XLVIII, we here at the Bust will be bringing you a reminder of how not to dress, pose, or groom yourself. We call them Shameful Sunday Portraits; you'll likely call them "more of those Zubaz cards."

Places you've seen this photo before (come on, admit it):
  • In your girlfriend's bedroom
  • In your sister's bedroom
  • In your bedroom
  • In Tile Monthly Magazine
  • In the Black Hole
  • Wait, wait. We meant the Blue Oyster.
  • In Al Davis' office
  • In Al Davis' bedroom



Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Name: Bob Golic
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive lineman
Value of card: The sweat from that rag Golic's holding
Key 1991 stat: Three hours spent locked in weight room
A lesson in the human form: Wow. Who says sports cards can't be art, huh? Look at the way Bob Golic's epic mullet catches the light of dusk (or is it dawn?), sending rays of light and beads of sweat shooting every which way. Or the sun glowing against Golic's muscles and stretch-marked skin, highlighting what can happen if you work very hard, lift a lot of weights and absolutely do not take steroids. Then there are Golic's sweat-stained undershirt and old gym sock that he's holding. Both are drenched and disgusting, byproducts of the work it takes to sculpt one's self into a Grecian god. Or is that a grease-cian god? Either way, hats off to you and your steel-wool beard, Bob Golic. The only shame in this Sunday portrait is ours, knowing we will never look half this awesome.


Ronnie Lott, 1993 Playoff Club (Football Friday No. 121)

Name: Ronnie Lott
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Safety
Value of card: Not a Lott
Key 1992 stat: One haircut, eight months before this photo was taken
Time for an L.A. Gear-sponsored pop quiz:

Why did the bouncer turn away Ronnie Lott from the Playoff Club?

(A) He couldn't find Lott's name on the list based on the safety's third-grade signature.
(B) A "no humongous jacket" policy had been enacted.
(C) Lott, as seen above, was clearly intoxicated upon arrival.
(D) Clearly, Lott was a square.
(E) All of the above.


Bo Jackson, 1990 Score Ground Force (Football Friday No. 117)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Running back
Value of card: Smoke from a lightning strike trapped in a mason jar
Key 1989 stat: 1,200 singed hairs
Do you feel the burn? Bo Jackson was more than a football player. Bo Jackson was more than a baseball player. Hell, Bo Jackson was more than an athlete. Bo Jackson was a superhero, one who could survive a lightning strike with a smile on his face and a bulge in his pocket. How did Bo Jackson survive a lightning strike, you ask? Below are the ways in which Bo Jackson, the superhero leader of Ground Force, was hit by lightning, followed by what happened immediately afterward.
  • Contact injury, when the victim was touching an object that was struck. (Bo was touching a lightning bolt when it was struck by another lightning bolt. The Chargers immediately lost 48-0.)
  • Side splash, when current jumps from an object to the victim. (Bo showered in the side splash.) 
  • Ground strike, current passing from a strike through the ground to the nearby victim. (Being a member of Ground Force counteracts the effects of a ground strike.)
  • Direct strike, which is usually fatal. (It was fatal — for the lightning.)



Art Shell, 1991 Pro Set (Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One Telex watch (maker of knock-off Rolexes and headsets)
Key 1990 stat: 46-pound head
10 names Art Shell ascribed to his stocking cap:
10) My fave-o-wit warmikins
9) The Silver-and-Whack
8) That cap Grandma knitted me
7) That cap Al Davis knitted me
6) The Authentic Telex Headset-Stocking Cap Combo for Today's Head Coach®
5) The knit pick
4) Big Artie's Massive Melon Tuxedo
3) 1990 NFL Head Covering of the Year
2) El snow sombrero
1) Shell's shell


Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Running back, emergency room
Value of card: Three screws extracted from hip
Key 1990 stat: Zero career-ending injuries
Key 1991 stat: One career-ending injury
Key 1992 stat: Zero games played
Ouch: We've shown you hundreds of cards that are so bad they can cause severe pain, but this is the first time a card on The Bust has shown a player suffering a career-ending injury. Sure, we've shown you injured players and a bisected Bo, but this is Bo getting his life bisected by a terrible injury. Imagine if Bo's kids in 1991 picked up a pack of Pro Set cards and saw Daddy's hip shattering? Brutal. What could have been worse? We have a few ideas:
  • The 1991 Topps card that showed Bo's wife cheating on him with a 375-pound lineman.
  • The 1992 Pro Set card that showed Bo sitting on his couch with his leg in a cast.
  • The 1991 Score card that showed Bo's golden retriever getting hit by a car.
  • A ridiculous 1991 card that compared Bo to a certain rascally TV character.
  • The 1992 Pro Line Portrait card that showed Bo's kids thumbing through a pack that contained all the above cards, including the one that pictured their dad's football career being cut short by a gruesome hip injury.



Tim Brown, 1991 Fleer (Football Friday No. 84)

Name: Tim Brown
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Used charcoal
Key 1991 stat: 75,201 yawns
Catch this pop quiz:

What's the deal here?

A) Hey, nothing goes together better than green and gray.
B) This photo was taken in the middle of a fog bank.
C) The background is meant to be symbolic of the always-excitable Art Shell.
D) Congratulations, you've now seen the world's most boring football card.
E) All of the above.


Howie Long, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 72)

Name: Howie Long
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 268 lbs. of hunk
Key 1990 stat: Two gigantic veins
The essence of a man: Look at Howie Long. Women want him, men want to be him, and artists want to draw him. The bulging, rippling arm muscles. The cropped, well-manicured blond hair. The jaunty neck pads. The steely gaze that reminds us of Slider from "Top Gun." The incredibly defined arm veins. The bullet marks in the wall behind him. The slightly torn jersey that only hints at the oiled chest below. The suggestively untucked belt that hints at, well, you know. It's likely no coincidence the artist stopped just above the crotch. He probably couldn't bring himself to draw that bulge. Some things are simply not for children's eyes.


Chester McGlockton, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Football Friday No. 51)

Name: Chester McGlockton, aka Renegade Raider
Teams: Los Angeles Raiders, The Black Hole
Position: Defensive tackle, superfan
Value of card: One foil ball, unbunched and used for a football card border
Key 1993 stat: 7 pounds of costume glitter
The Raiders find a leader: Whether in Oakland or Los Angeles, the Raiders have been known for their air-it-out offense, overbearing owner, hard-nosed history, and rabid fan base. The essence of the fan base has for decades been The Black Hole, a collection of crazy, costumed fans wearing Darth Vader masks, spiked shoulder pads and gallon upon gallon of silver and black face paint. Year after year, the Raiders intimidated on the field and The Black Hole intimidated in the stands. But the two never became one, until coach Art Shell looked into the crowd and saw a huge man wearing a comforter covered in glitter and a plastic skull hat with pigtails attached to the sides. Shell signed McGlockton not as a publicity stunt, but as a starting defensive tackle. McGlockton stepped up and played well, proving that someone who can intimidate in the stands can intimidate on the field - as long as they're wearing Pippi Longstocking's corpse's skull.



Raghib "Rocket" Ismail, 1993 Action Packed (NFL Draft Weekend No. 2)

Name: Raghib "Rocket" Ismail
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Kick returner, wide receiver
Value of card: 14 liters of action
Key 1992 stat: One launch
Boredom is not allowed: Action Packed isn't just the maker of this stunning piece of sports memorabilia, it's also the perfect way to describe it. Rocket is running so fast, his gloves are stretching up his forearms! ZOOM! His bulge appears to be in two places at once! POW! Then there's that phallus-shaped icon with his name on it! BAP! And look out for that crazy, action-packed trapezoid thing jutting onto the card! There's so much going on, the cardmaker had to cut off three of Ismail's limbs and add a boring little clip-art Raiders helmet just to avoid an action overdose!


Art Shell, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 5)

Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Coach, offensive tackle, security
Value of card: $5 at the door
Key Super Bowl stat: Eight defenders "bounced"
Priceless work of Art: Two-time Raiders coach Art Shell, then an offensive tackle, won Super Bowls with the team after the 1976 and 1980 seasons, becoming a favorite of fans and team owner Al Davis. Shell retired after the 1982 season, and was considered a shoe-in to one day become a coach. Shell believed in being a Raider, and turned down opportunities from other teams to become an offensive line coach. Shell pleaded Davis for a job, but the fiery owner deferred to then-head coach Tom Flores, he of the Brillo Pad wave. Flores wouldn't make room for Shell on the team, saying he had become a shell of his old self. Davis felt bad, so he offered Shell the title of "Los Angeles Raiders head of security and bathroom cleanliness operations." Shell accepted the job, which came with a $16,000 salary, a Raiders hat, a Rolex knock-off and a starter jacket with "Security" written across the back. Davis fired him six weeks later, then rehired him three months after that, then promoted him to head coach, then fired him, then rehired him in the security role, then fired him again, then rehired him as head coach, then fired him. Shell now hangs in a prominent position at the Museum of Modern Art, wearing a shiny Raiders jacket.



Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Name: Bo Jackson
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Outfielder/Running Back, apparently
Value of card: Half off
Key 1989 stat: Four amputated fingers
More great moments in Photoshop: The makers of this fine special edition card were split over how to present it. Half wanted Bo in baseball attire, while the other half preferred his football photo. A bitter debate divided the room, causing a rift between longtime coworkers and friends. After dissecting the subject for days, there seemed no end to the dichotomy between them. Rather than tearing the project asunder, these masterminds searched the hemisphere for someone — or something — to unite them. In the end, it was a brand-new software that brought them harmony. Sure, it cost Bo four fingers and caused his ears to become uneven, but it did nothing to diminish his bulge.


Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Running back
Value of card: I'm sorry. What? I was distracted.
Key 1990 stat: Bulge. I mean, uh, I was distracted. I mean, um, five rushing touchdowns.
The bulge of Bo Week: At first glance, this card seems reasonable. It's an intricate likeness of a superior athlete. Bo is in a Raiders uniform, and his baseball career is tastefully alluded to through the drawing of stitches on the moon. Then your eyes pan down. What is that? The illustrator chose to display Mr. Jackson's — bam — in an exaggerated way (at least we hope it's exaggerated). Your eyes are first drawn to the football at Bo's side, then — bam. Maybe your eyes are drawn to the Raiders helmet, whose chinstrap happens to be pointing to — bam. You can't escape it. Bo's belt can't even stay buckled because of that — bam. And what about the stitch design on the crotch of Bo's football pants? Bam. But the bam isn't contained to the frame of the illustration. Oh no. Even Bo's first name — bam — parts like the Red Sea for the — bam bam bam — just in case that buckle breaks and the bam falls through the bottom of the frame.