Curtis Goodwin, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Curtis Goodwin (maybe)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, The Keys
Position: Outfield
Value of card: There are hidden costs
Key 1993 stat: Zero photographs taken of his face
Orioles' scouting report on top prospect Curtis Goodwin: "Supposedly has some pop and some speed, but we couldn't find him to verify. ... Does a great job concealing himself in plain sight, which isn't necessarily what we're looking for in a player. ... One plus: Has at least one eye. ... Had good numbers with the Keys, which may or may not be in Florida. ... Hidden talent: hiding. ... Always keeps his glove in front of his face, which is better than down his pants. ... Favorite color: camouflage. ... Camera shy, except in the shower."



John Pacella, 1981 Topps

Name: John Pacella
Team: Pitcher Mets, apparently
Positions: Pitcher, hat thrower
Value of card: Cost of a quarter-gallon of gas in 1981
Key 1980 stat: Two hats, one cup
Hats off to a Mets pitcher: John Pacella was a wild man who did things his way. When ownership told him to cut his hair, he grew it longer, curlier and never washed it. When friends told him his Tom Selleck-esque mustache was out of style, he stopped trimming it and gave it a name, "Mr. Macho." When his wife told him to stop living the hard life and concentrate on his family and career, he ordered a whisky, a whisky and a whisky, snorted Tabasco sauce and spit on a cop. And when umpires told him during games to stop throwing his cap toward the plate and start pitching with a baseball, he balked, both figuratively and according to baseball rules. The Mets lost, but Pacella won, earning recognition from Topps, which put a huge, cartoonish baseball cap on his 1981 card.



Wonderful Monds, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Name: Wonderful Terrific Monds III (seriously)
Team: The Wonderful Atlanta Braves
Position: The terrific outfield
Value of card: 1 copy of "It's a Wonderful Life," on Beta
Key 1996 stat: Two adjectives in one name
10 names Wonderful Monds' parents should have chosen for him:
10) Mediocre Monds
9) Terrific Wonderful Monds
8) Wristbands Monds
7) The Third Monds III
6) Stevie Wonderful Monds
5) Wonder What Happened to Him Monds
4) Not-so Wonderful Monds
3) Adjective Adjective Monds
2) Awesome Marvelous Remarkable Fantastic Stupendous Outstanding Monds
1) Al Monds



Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: Eight pounds of liberty
Key 1991 stat: 75,052 salutes to the flag
Proud to be an American, Part 3: How American was Thurman Thomas during his playing days? Thurman Thomas was so American, he refused to sign with any team but the Bills or Patriots because he had to wear red, white and blue at all times. He was so American that he set a goal each season to run for exactly 1,776 yards. He was so American that he petitioned to have his name changed to Thurman Thomas Jefferson. He was so American, he had the words "Don't tread on me" tattooed across his backside. Thurman Thomas was so American that he used a herd of buffalo to crush every foreign-made car in upstate New York. He was so American, he made referees trade in their yellow flags for American flags. Thurman Thomas was so damn American, he carved the faces of every president, all the Supreme Court justices, Benjamin Franklin AND Betsy Ross into the side of a cliff and called it Mount Rushmore 2! USA! USA! USA!


Scott Bryant, 1990 Score

Name: Scott Bryant
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 8 pounds of unreached potential
Key career stat: Two definitions of bust
Cincinnati Reds' scouting report on top draft pick Scott Bryant: "Led his college team in home runs, RBI and squinting. ... Won the Dick Howser Trophy, whatever the heck that is. ... Smells like pretzels. ... He can hit the cover off the ball, but is more likely to wear it off through wind erosion from all his swings and misses. ... Ate paint chips as a child. ... His mother tells us he's a good boy. ... His college coach tells us to read "Of Mice And Men" for tips on how to teach him. ... He doesn't talk much. In fact, he doesn't move much, either. He may be dead."


Chris Gomez, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Chris Gomez
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Infielder
Value of card: One used latex glove
Key 1993 stat: Lots of time on the ground
This will only take a minute: There's a reason for Chris Gomez's subpar career numbers — he wasn't a professional baseball player. In 1993, the commissioner's office began a push to get its players screened for prostate cancer. Of course, most players, young and athletic, were reluctant to have someone check out their plumbing. In stepped Dr. Chris Gomez of Lansing, Mich. The good doctor agreed to masquerade as an MLB shortstop, but when the opportunity arose — such as Darryl Hamilton's poorly timed base-cleaning above — Gomez would slip on a pre-lubricated rubber glove, yank on the baserunner's trousers and do a little scoping. This earned Dr. Gomez his share of roundhouse kicks to the head, and the commissioner decided his plan was flawed. The Tigers, lacking anyone else capable of playing shortstop, decided to keep Gomez on the payroll for a few more years anyway.


Terry Steinbach, 1990 Score Dream Team

Name: Terry Steinbach
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One VHS of "A Nightmare On Elm Street," broken
Key 1989 stat: 18,301 cases of night sweats given
We'd prefer insomnia: In 1990, the cardmakers at Score had an idea for a special subset featuring the game's best players. It was dubbed the Score Dream Team. The powers that be decided to create illustrations designed to make each player selected look as he possibly would in someone's actual dream. Chalk this one up to bad idea, worse execution. Look at Terry Steinbach, for example. He looks like a mascara-wearing vampire with fetal alcohol syndrome. His head is the size of an apple, and the finger sticking out of his mitt looks like a mint-covered Vienna sausage. Thankfully, Score would get it right the next year, when they decided to just make all the players selected get half-naked.


John Henry Johnson, 1987 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson. No, seriously.
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Four awesome points
Key 1986 stat: Best white afro ever
Clearing up some rumors about John Henry Johnson:
  • John Henry Johnson was not a porn star. That is a shame, because he had the name for it.
  • John Henry Johnson's hair was completely natural. It's his eyebrows that were fake.
  • John Henry Johnson was not a steel-drivin' man. But when he pitched, he was more of a line-drivin' man.
  • John Henry Johnson could, in fact, smile. It's just that, in this photo, his form-fitting shirt has cut off the blood flow to his face.
  • His name is John Johnson, he comes from Wisconsin, but he does not, in fact, work in a lumberyard there.



Terrell Wade, 1996 Fleer Ultra

Name: Terrell Wade
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An old tube of canker sore medicine
Key 1996 stat: One sore throat
Terrell Wade's train of thought from 3:12 to 3:13 p.m., March 18, 1996: "This is great. All I have to do is put this bat in my mouth up to the black, and I can avoid all that rookie hazing crap the other guys have to deal with. Who wants to dress like Hooters girls or the Wizard of Oz? Plus, I won't have to carry Jeff Blauser's suitcase full of discount schnapps at all! This'll be just like when I was a kid, when I'd stick my fist in the peanut butter and then put the whole thing in my mouth. OK, here goes. Easy ... easy. Good, almost there — yeah, baby! I win! ... Oh God, it's stuck. Oh God. Oh God, it's stuck! I can't get it out! Help! Why are you all laughing?! Help!"
The moral of the story: Rookie hazing is awesome.


Kevin Brown, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Transaction

Name: Kevin Brown
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Ace
Value of card: One roach, two whiskeys
Key 1994 stat: Three days without shaving
Time for an action-packed transaction pop quiz:

Why was Kevin Brown allowed to become a free agent after the 1994 season?

(A) He was always stoned.
(B) He was always drunk.
(C) He was always stoned and drunk.
(D) He posed for baseball card photos when he was stoned and drunk.
(E) All of the above.



Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebarcker, male model
Value of card: No shirt
Key 1990 stat: Sacked everything that moved
What Derrick Thomas stands for:

Disrobed for this photo shoot.
Even though no one asked him to.
Rushed the passer like the passer owed him money.
Rape stare leaves us feeling a little uneasy.
In spite of the photos on this card, he was not constantly hunched over.
Chiefs were actually good, once upon a time.
Knuckles look nice and shiny here.

Thin mustache was the least intimidating thing about him.
Hall of Fame induction came far too soon.
Offensive linemen couldn't stop him, but a snowstorm did.
Moral of his story: Wear your seatbelt and don't speed.
AFC's most feared defender was actually just misunderstood.
Shaved every 15 minutes — and not just his face.


Chris Colon, 1993 Donruss

Name: Cris Colon
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three dingleberries
Key 1992 stat: One unfortunate last name
10 insults yelled at Cris Colon by opposing teams' fans in 1993:
10) Those glasses make you look like an ass, Colon!
9) This guy? He's no Colon. He's a semi-Colon!
8) Colon, you're producing what one would expect!
7) Doctor, doctor! The Rangers are worried about their Colon!
6) This team needs a cleanse at shortstop!
5) Somebody call a proctologist: There's a Colon clogging up the batting order!
4) But ... but ... but why, Colon?
3) Colon: clubhouse cancer!
2) Rectum? Nearly Colon'd him!
1) Colon, you stink!



Dave Concepcion, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Concepcion
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Half a tab of acid
Key 1983 stat: One game played in a stadium made of bubble wrap
Focus, focus: Wow, man. I shouldn't have eaten that laced chimichanga, man. Whoa. You see that? Everything's blurry, man. I need to sit down. Holy ... you see that? I'm so stoned, dude. Seriously. Seriously? Seriously. What was in that chimichanga, man. Look at this baseball card. The crowd looks like the aurora borealis. You kidding me? This is good shit. Con-cep-cioooon. Con-cep-cioooon. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. Nothing's in focus, man. Nothing ... except that bulge, man.



Ozzie Smith, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One lobotomy
Key 1990 stat: Four red sleeves
Quiet down, over there. It's time for a pop quiz:

All right, Ozzie, just what the heck is so funny?

A) "Look at Coach Herzog's tummy!"
B) "Willie McGee is making funny faces again."
C) "Remember those old Padres uniforms? How can you not laugh at them?"
D) "Nothing. I'm just having heat stroke from all the shirts I'm wearing!"
E) "That kid Cole looks just like Urkel. What a cut-up!"
F) "I'm drunk as hell!"
G) None of the above. Definitely none of the above.


Lance Parrish, 1996 Upper Deck Young at Heart

Name: Lance Parrish
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A handful of spilled Metamucil
Key 1995 stat: Two bad knees
Lies, damn lies and Lance Parrish: This card says Lance Parrish was young at heart in 1995. But how old was he, really?
  • Lance Parrish was so old, his first box score was in Roman numerals
  • Lance Parrish was so old, when he went to school, there was no history class
  • Lance Parrish was so old, he played catch with Jesus
  • Lance Parrish was so old, his first mitt was made of dinosaur hide
  • Lance Parrish was so old, his birth certificate said "Expired"
  • Lance Parrish was so old, he offered constructive criticism to Abner Doubleday
  • Lance Parrish was so old, he used to clock pitches with a sundial



Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Second base
Value of card: Lots of body-image issues
Key career stats: Zero major league at-bats; zero AAA at-bats
He ain't heavy, and he ain't Pedro's brother: Sometimes, we here at the Bust have to do a little research. Sometimes. We usually try to avoid work. But for Ramon Martinez, we had to do a lot of research. Seriously, who is this guy? He's not the gawky Dodgers pitcher. He's not the former Giants third baseman. In fact, we have no idea how he got this Marlins uniform. Dude never sniffed the bigs. As Baseball-Reference.com puts it, "He hit .241/.280/.289 [in AA in 1994], demonstrating that his bat was not of major league caliber." And is it any wonder? Look at those tiny, spindly legs and the goiter-like bulge! The poor little guy probably couldn't run 5 feet without toppling over.


Kevin Brown, Ben Davis, Bobby Estalella, 1997 Topps

Names: Kevin Brown, Ben Davis, Bobby Estalella
Teams: Texas Rangers, San Diego Padres, Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher x 3
Value of card: Jack squat
Key 1996 stat: Nothing key about these guys
Three burgeoning backstops, one Matchup:

Round 1: Most appropriate use of catcher's mask (Winner: Tie — nobody)
Round 2: Prettiness (Winner: Davis)
Round 3: Squatting (Winner: Estalella)
Round 4: Sharing a name with an actual, modern-day major leaguer (Winner: Brown)
Round 5: Bulge (Winner: Brown)
Round 6: Ability to pose in front of chain-link fence (Winner: Tie — Davis and Estalella)
Round 7: Being destined for a good baseball career (Winner: Tie — nobody)

Final score: Brown 2, Davis 1, Estalella 1 (3 ties)

Summary: Kevin Brown claims a victory despite only going 2 for 10. Then again, that's pretty good for these three bums.


Joe Montana, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 56)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One first-degree burn
Key 1989 stat: An hour of snickering laughter over this card
This pop quiz is less accurate than Joe Montana:

What exactly makes Joe Montana a "Hot Gun"?

A) His cannon of an arm and pinpoint accuracy
B) The fact that he keeps his gun covered in Mizuno wristbands
C) That night in the Tenderloin when he shot that drifter
D) Ask Mrs. Montana
E) All of the above


Andy Hawkins, 1987 Topps

Name: Andy "Not the Hawk" Hawkins
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Starting pitcher
Value of card: A bucket of something brown
Key 1986 stat: 6-inch-wide sideburns
Time for a browned-out pop quiz:

What was Andy Hawkins doing when this photo was taken?

(A) Staring into a solar eclipse.
(B) Recovering from 14 bong loads.
(C) Contemplating the ridiculous bad luck he would experience in 1990.
(D) Competing in an Adam's apple contest.
(E) Bathing in the most beautiful of colors.
(F) Concentrating on growing out his sideburns.
(G) Napping.
(H) Exerting a great amount of energy bending his lips into an unrecognizable shape.
(I) All of the above.



Deion Sanders, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two 12-ounce cups filled with sweat, jheri curl juice and hair
Key 1989 stat: 11 interceptions
Yankees' scouting report on rookie Deion Sanders: "He has speed, good hands, a great vertical leap, but no baseball skills. Perfect. ... Can play center field, right field or Jazzercise instructor. ... Every time he catches a fly ball, he returns it across the field. ... Pretty soft-spoken kid who could probably use a little flamboyance. ... Doesn't need a batting helmet; his hair will do just fine. ... Plays decent in daytime, but could flourish in prime time. ... Big-league jheri curl, bush-league mustache. ... Plays better defense when ball is oblong and painted brown."



Robin Yount, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Possibly the Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three pieces of cereal, picked from the garbage
Key 1988 stat: One girl's name
10 reasons Yount was like Cap'N Crunch cereal:
10) He was full of folic acid, coconut oil, brown sugar, salt and Yellow No. 5.
9) He was old and had a wicked mustache.
8) He hung out with fruits.
7) The skin around his eyes resembled the ridges in those sugary kernels.
6) When he walked, his bones made crunching sounds.
5) He never took nutrition into consideration.
4) He took a bath in milk every day.
3) The whole family loved him, but grew sick the more they had of him.
2) He was yellowish.
1) Crunch Berries = dingle berries.



Gary Sheffield, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Third base (written on card); second base or shortstop (actually playing in card)
Value of card: Not as high as Sheffield would indicate
Key 1990 stat: 46-inch vertical leap
It's time for a sky-high pop quiz:

What is Gary Sheffield doing?

(A) Covering up his little-kid braces, whatever it takes.
(B) Averting the slide of the silent member of the Bash Brothers.
(C) Doing something literally that his uncle Dwight Gooden did figuratively a few times every day, usually in an alley.
(D) Showing off his bulge to the fans on the second deck.
(E) Demonstrating the "ultraness" of Fleer Ultra.
(F) All of the above.



Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners ... maybe
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting sausage
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of rotting sausage, eaten
Just one of those cards: We here at the Bust could skewer this card with a Top 10, a Pop Quiz or a Scouting Report, but with a card this bad, we feel the need to be straightforward. Let's start with the uniform, or the lack thereof. Maybe ol' Jimmy Dean should have forked over the extra dough to the players association to at least make it appear Griffey played in the major leagues, rather than the Southern Sausage League. Then there's the Jimmy Dean logo. A cowboy boot "J"? That's witty, partner. Also, this is a "signature edition," yet no signature appears on the card? The red and yellow border is a nice touch, though. You don't want anyone to forget this card comes from a sausage company. Griffey didn't help matters much. Look close, his teenage mustache contains 18 hairs. He's making love to the camera and is close to making love to the bat. Bottom line: It's never good to see how the sausage card is made.



Dennis Eckersley, 1988 Donruss

Names: Dennis Eckersley, Dennis Eckersley's mustache
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Closer, mustache
Value of card: The hair from a clogged drain
Key 1987 stat: Three inches of handlebar
Fun facts about Dennis Eckersley and his mustache:
  • Dennis Eckersley had a 3.03 ERA in 1987. His mustache had a 9.3 rating in Mustache Fancy Magazine.
  • Eckersley had a posse made of his teammates. His mustache had a posse made of his mullet.
  • Eckersley K'd batters. His mustache slayed the ladies.
  • Eckersley has a dumb look on his face in this photo, but his mustache always looked smart.
  • There's nobody in the stands behind Eckersley in this photo. That's because everyone had circled around for a view of his lip warmer.
  • Eckersley was born Oct. 3, 1954. His mustache was born two days later.



Thurman Thomas, 1993 Skybox Team MVP (Football Friday No. 55)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo (obviously) Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: 1 bill, no dollars
Key 1992 stat: 14 tons of bison dung shoveled
Fun facts about Thurman Thomas and American buffaloes:
  • American buffaloes are attracted to American buffaloes. Thurman Thomas is attracted to water buffaloes.
  • American buffaloes were hunted by Native Americans. Thurman Thomas was hunted by linebackers and inebriated cougars.
  • American buffaloes almost became extinct. Thurman Thomas played on a team whose Super Bowl hopes are extinct.
  • American buffaloes are wide animals. Thurman Thomas witnessed Wide Right.
  • American buffaloes travel in herds. Thurman Thomas travels with husky men and leg models.
  • American buffaloes were depicted on a famous nickel. Thurman Thomas' football cards are worth less than a nickel.



Rob Mallicoat, 1988 Fleer

Name: Rob Mallicoat
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half a mustache
Key 1987 career stat: Zero games won.
Time for a politically incorrect pop quiz:

What race is Rob Mallicoat?

A) Caucasian
B) Asian
C) Whatever race is worst at baseball
D) Dead last in the Cy Young race
E) All of the above


Nolan Ryan, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Ace
Value of card: One clump of dog hair
Key 1988 stat: 300 mph
Stop us if you've heard this one before:

Q: How many Nolan Ryans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: More than it takes to beat the crud out of Robin Ventura.



John Russell, 1987 Topps

Name: John Russell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Titillation
Key 1986 stat: One indecent exposure charge
Hey there, sailor: John Russell was not very good at baseball. In 10 major league seasons, he clubbed just 34 home runs and batted .225. But 1986 was a year to remember for the young backstop. He hit 13 taters, drove in 60 runs and invented what would be called the game's most distracting defensive maneuver until Rick Wilkins unveiled his crotch-block in 1991. During big at-bats, Russell would take his stance behind the plate and then slowly strip off his mask, chest protector, shin guards, uniform and undershirt. Batters, in awe of Russell's rug of chest hair and oversize jock strap, would flail away, finding it difficult to pick up the ball out of the pitcher's hand when they could hardly look away from the pair just below their elbows. MLB banned Russell's burly burlesque act the next year, and the catcher would play just 235 games over the next seven seasons.



Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken colored pencil
Key 1990 stat: 32 inches of chin
The illustrated man: This card is absurd. Look at how out proportion parts of it are! The size is wrong, the shape is wrong, and the ghosts in the dugout scare us a little bit. At least they got Jose Canseco's head size right. Wait, you thought that's what we were talking about earlier? No, no. We meant Canseco's shoes. They're so tiny and wrinkly! His head size and mullet, of course, are only slightly off.


Bobby Cox, 1992 Topps

Name: Bobby Cox
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Manager, slouching
Value of card: One ejection
Key 1991 stat: 391,143 sneers
All good things: As the 2010 baseball season comes to a close, the game is losing one of its elder statesmen. Bobby Cox, who has managed the Braves since 1990 and has the fourth most wins in baseball history, is retiring. Of course, what Cox is really known for is getting ejected from games — he's done it more times than any other manager. He's been tossed more times than salad. He's been thrown out more times than garbage. He's gotten the hook more times than a fish. He's hit the showers more often than a plumber. He's gone home early more times than Dodger fans. So here's to you, Bobby Cox. We'll say it one last time: Yer outta here!


Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

Name: Ed Lynch
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Sorrow
Key 1986 stat: 37 neck wrinkles
The ABCs of Ed Lynch:
A) Acres of chin
B) Blue — not just the color of his V-neck jersey
C) Chicago's saddest man
D) Didn't miss many bats — only 58 K's in 101 innings pitched
E) Expandable throat allowed him to swallow his food whole
F) Facial expression sums up Cubs baseball over the past century
G) Gloomy Gus
H) His heater was more like a lukewarm breeze
I) Irrigation canals on face
J) Jawline nonexistent
K) Knee injury in 1986 not nearly as painful as his broken heart
L) Last year in big leagues was 1987
M) Maybe it should have been 1985, judging by the stats
N) Never learned how to laugh
O) Overactive jowl gland
P) Prune-neck
Q) Quietly wept in the dugout
R) Runners would get hypnotized trying to count his chin folds
S) Squinty
T) Traded by the Mets before they won the World Series. Explains some of the melancholy.
U) Undershirt clearly visible
V) Velvety-smooth skin flaps
W) Wood-grain border on card inspired at least one mediocre humor site
X) X marks the spot — Lynch's neck rolls hold buried treasure
Y) Youth long forgotten
Z) Zero haircuts in previous six months