Showing posts with label Portrait. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Portrait. Show all posts


Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Rich Kotite
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 8 pounds of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 164 stripes on his sweater
Here's what Eagles head coach Rich Kotite stands for:

Rich in sweaters, not in love
Itchy as anyone in America in this outfit
Cardigan? Not on your life, pal
Has wool running through his veins

Knit was more than a description of his outerwear; it was a way of life
Outside he's warm; inside, a cold, cold man
Turtleneck alert! Turtleneck alert!
Inspired hundreds of Philadelphia-area mothers to embarrass their kids in similar sweaters
Traded season tickets for a lint roller
Each strand of sweater, a statement in early 1990s fashion


Greg Blosser, 1992 Bowman

Name: Greg Blosser
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six bottle caps flattened with a steamroller and stuck in asphalt
Key 1991 stat: 46 resumes submitted
10 reasons Greg Blosser didn't get the job at the local cellphone store:
10) He forgot to wear pants to the interview.
9) The interviewer was afraid of invisible facial hair.
8) The diamond on his shirt pocket read, "Bosses are for suckers."
7) He said he would only sell "the Zack Morris special."
6) Two words: mullet intimidation.
5) He shouldn't have submitted a Sears portrait in place of a resume
4) His Arizona jeans collared shirt interfered with cellphone reception.
3) The interviewer didn't like that he partied, even if it was only a party in the back and business in the front.
2) His grandfather interrupted the interview and asked for his tie back.
1) He said he played baseball; the interviewer laughed him out of the room.


Ryan Long, 1992 Bowman

Name: Ryan Long
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 16 rotten oranges
Key 1991 stat: One high school senior portrait used on a baseball card
Ryan Long's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: LongGone25
Age: 18
Height: 6 feet 2 and growing
Weight: 190 pounds and drowning in muscles
Hair color: Brunette
Hairstyle: Fresh
Ethnicity: As white as they come
Want children? Still a child
Past relationships: Dated Kelly Kapowski
Best feature: Shades
Smoke? Cigarettes aren't cool, dude
Drink? You don't have to drink to be radical

Seeking: Pretty, popular girls
Location: High school
Her height: A-plus
Her body type: Cheerleader
Her ethnicity: As white as me

About me: Hey, babes. Ryan here. I'm just a cool dude looking for a chica to be at my side. I'm pretty much the most popular guy in school, and I'm looking for a girl who's just as popular — and not make-believe. I like to cruise around in my red Camaro, make fun of nerds, shoot hoops with the bros, and wear my sunglasses at night. I hope you're cool — and hot — enough to do those things with me. Catch ya later, skater.


Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."


Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)

Name: Jim Covert
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: 11 pine needles
Key 1990 stat: 10 hiding places
Jim Covert's stream of consciousness from 1:12 to 1:14 p.m. March 14, 1991: "Nope, they'll never find me. For I am Jim Covert, the most covert of operatives the NFL has ever seen. I'll hide here, under this tarp. ... Drat! The photographer found me. I'll hide here, in this pile of dirty jockstraps. ... Foiled again by this blasted photographer. I'll hide here, behind this tree and within this tackling sled. ... Darn it all to heck, he found me again. Well, take your picture, my esteemed sleuth, for I am Covert, the man of a thousand hiding places, and no one will ever see me behind this mustache, under this beanie or wrapped up in 12 pounds of jacket."


Frank Thomas, 1991 Star Pics

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 6 kilos of nuclear waste
Key 1990 stat: 15 megawatts of home run power
10 names Frank Thomas called his bats:
10) Atomic Long Bombs
9) The Radiation Run Producers
8) Upgrades from Dynamite
7) The (Burned to a Crisp) Louisville Sluggers
6) Three Times the Fusion
5) Lumber Reactors
4) Bats of Mass Destruction
3) "Fat Man," "Little Boy" and "The One I Don't Use"
2) The Nuclear Family
1) The Chernobyl Sticks



Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The sweat after 10 sets of 10 curls, bro
Key 1993 stat: 12,590 inconspicuous biceps flexes
Clearing up some rumors about Juan Gonzalez:
  • Gonzalez didn't have blood rushing through his veins. He had more muscles in them.
  • Gonzalez didn't do steroids. He was born 6 feet 3 and 220 pounds with 23-inch biceps.
  • Gonzalez didn't have a mullet. He had a giant mustache on his scalp and neck.
  • Gonzalez didn't hang out in Puerto Rican bath houses. Except for this card. And on Tuesdays. And Saturdays. And ...
  • Gonzalez didn't have a massive Adam's apple. That was his neck's biceps.



Tom Glavine, 1991 Studio

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: $14.95 GlamourShots gift certificate
Key 1990 stat: One mullet, many names
Business up front, party in the back: Tom Glavine liked his hockey cut so much in 1991, he decided to have it forever emblazoned on a baseball card. "Make sure you get my neck feathers in the shot," he told the photographer. "The kids love my Camaro cut." But Glavine's mud flap didn't impress everyone. "I always thought his Kentucky waterfall was a little childish," future teammate Greg Maddux told a reporter in 1989. Despite the critics, women swooned. "I want to feel your beaver paddle brush against my cheek in the throes of passion," a female fan screamed at a game in 1990. Interactions like that made Glavine grow conceited. In fact, the moment the above photo was taken Glavine yelled at the photographer, "Don't you dare stare at my Long Island ice tease."