Showing posts with label Zits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zits. Show all posts


Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Name: Colin Charland
Team: Palm Springs Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six ounces of those little charred bits you have to scrape off the barbecue
Key 1987 stat: Made his own hat
California Angels scouting report on prospect Colin Charland: "Needs to work on curve, changeup, growing eyebrows. ... If baseball doesn't work out, he can always go back to middle school. ...  Geez, we really need to pitch in for some new uniforms down in Palm Springs. ... Says his favorite food is pizza. Fitting, since that's what his face looks like, too. ... His fastball sits in the low 90s. He, himself, usually sits alone in the cafeteria at lunch. ... The sky's the limit for this kid      especially once he starts his second career as a flight attendant."

Card submitted by Zach Jones



Karl Best, 1987 Donruss

Name: Karl Best
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: See that necklace? It's worth nothing even close to that.
Key 1986 stat: 122 fish caught at Pike Place Market
Some of the reasons Karl was "the Best":
  • No one else wore a $4 mesh hat during a Mariners game.
  • No other pitchers had serial killer eyes.
  • No other 11th-graders made it onto a baseball card.
  • No other Mariners spent their evenings bagging your groceries.
  • No other Major League Baseball player had such an ironic last name.



Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:

Major league pitcher     no, really!
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball

Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin



Jaromir Jagr, 1992-93 Bowman (Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Team NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: 75 years of pissing off your fans
Key 1992-93 stat: 1-inch overbite
Fun facts about Jaromir Jagr, who looks like he's 14 in the above photo, and the alcoholic beverage Jagermeister:
  • Jagermeister is a German digestif made with 56 herbs and spices. Jagr is a Czech athlete with 56 zits on his face. 
  • The makers of Jagermeister recommend that it be kept on ice and served cold. Jagr was rarely cold when he was on the ice.
  • The term "jagermeister" once was used as a title for senior foresters in the German civil service. Jagr once woke up in the forest after drinking too much Jagermeister.
  • Jagermeister has a picture of a deer head on it. Jagr has another woodland creature, possibly a wolverine, on his head.
  • Jagermeister tastes similar to black licorice. So did Jagr's mullet.
  • A mixture of Jagermeister and Red Bull is called a Jagerbomb. After eating a trio of gas station hot dogs for dinner, Jaromir's bathroom experienced a Jagrbomb.



Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 pimples
Key 1987 stat: Best bangs this side of the Pecos
Steady your stomachs, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook your very own Mike TenderLoynd.

2 tbsp. Proactiv pimple cream
1 lb. unseasoned horse loin
1 rubber arm
4 oz. ear wax
1 can of Ranch Style Beans
Dash of eyebrow (extra thick)

Rub the Proactiv into one side of the horse loin until it disappears, then beat weakly with the rubber arm. Throw the loin into a dirty pot with the other ingredients, then simmer on medium-low heat for 26 games or until ERA reaches 6.00. Plate and then serve to the opposing team, as they always feast on Loynd.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp


Bryan Clutterbuck, 1990 Topps

Name: Bryan Clutterbuck
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two "clutterbucks"
Key 1989 stat: 12 zits on face
Time for a Webster's New World pop quiz:

What exactly is a "clutterbuck"?

(A) The salty sweat residue left by dirty men on their baseball caps.
(B) A nose-hair mustache, as seen above.
(C) A rubber undershirt worn by sweaty men who want to sweat more.
(D) The special place reserved in hell for evil gingers.
(E) The skin behind the eyebrows when eyebrows don't exist.
(F) A mediocre ballplayer.
(G) All of the above.


Greg Pirkl, 1992 Bowman

Name: Greg Pirkl
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base
Value of card: Moth dung from an old jacket's pocket
Key 1991 stat: 14 fluid ounces of hair gel
10 captions for this photo:
10) Does Greg Pirkl shop at The Men's Wearhouse? I guarantee it.
9) In handwriting: "Thanks, Mom. I love my senior portrait!"
8) Greg Pirkl, above, sports the latest fashion trend, a sport coat from your father's closet.
7) Hi, I'm Greg Pirkl. I like baseball and snuggling, and I'm looking for that special someone.
6) Pirkl: In need of a vowel or two since 1992.
5) What team do I play for? Doesn't matter. Let's talk positions, sweetheart.
4) From community newspaper: Greg Pirkl has been named Freedom Ford's salesman of the year. "I want to thank my girlfriend, my homies and the Lord almighty above," he said. "And, of course, this honor wouldn't have been possible without my two-home run game in the homecoming game senior year. Go Eagles! Wooo!"
3) More zits than RBIs, two years running.
2) "Beverly Hills, 90210" extra head shot, circa 1991
1) Never cool. Not even in '92.