Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Four used diapers
Key 1994 stat: 41 infants frightened
It's a man-child Matchup:

Round 1: Smells like they could use a change (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 2: Suffers from diaper rash (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 3: Fussy when tired (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 4: Prefers to sleep in a onesie (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 5: Sometimes vomits after eating (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 6: Often wants the bottle (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 7: Cries in the middle of the night (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 8: Chubby little arms and legs (Winner: Tie      both)
Round 9: Mustache (Winner: Beck)

Final score: Beck 1, baby 0 (Ties: 8)

Synopsis: As usual, Rod Beck took it right down to the wire before shutting down the opposition. Both participants celebrated by tucking something into their lips      a binky for the tot; a chew for the closer.

Rod Beck, 1995 Score

Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Name: Dave Dravecky
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 rolls of gauze
Key 1989 stat: 18 injuries
It's time for an injury-plagued pop quiz:

What were Dave Dravecky's other injuries?

(A) Cuts from the sharpness of his own hair helmet.
(B) Groin fatigue.
(C) Neck rash from turtleneck overuse.
(D) Face froze that way.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Dravecky, 1990 Score

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Name: Don Buchheister
Team: Cedar Rapids Giants
Position: General manager
Value of card: He'll trade ya for it
Key 1978 stat: 17 trades made (for worthless baseball cards)
Here are some of the moves made by Cedar Rapids Giants executive Don Buchheister:

• Traded a third baseman and a right-handed middle reliever for a pastrami on rye.
• Offered a lucrative free agent contract to Sid Limpis of Sid's Stupendous Straw Hats on West 65th Street.
• Scouted Single A and promoted a pitching machine.
• Tried to fire a manager — from the local Long John Silver's

Don Buchheister, 1979 TCMA

Bill Swift, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Bill Swift
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 home movies from the Swift family collection
Key 1994 stat: 601 hours of out-of-focus video shot
Bill Swift was quite the documentarian; here are some of the movies he made:

• "Giant Disappointment: The Bill Swift Story"
• "Balls and the Runs: A Sport from Below the Waist"
• "Being Swift: How One Pitcher Overcame a Lack of Speed"
• "Turtlenecks for Him: A 1996 Appreciation"
• "How to Fail at Two Things at Once Without Really Trying"

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Bill Swift, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Name: Champ Summers
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not much, champ
Key 1983 stat: Zero championship belts
Here are some of the things that Champ Summers was the champ of:

• Stick-on mustache competitions
• Magenta mugshot background challenges
• Sleeve abundance contests
• Creepy, staring pose tournaments
• Summers

Champ Summers, 1984 Topps

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Al Holland
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher (possibly a belly-itcher)
Value of card: 2 cat hairballs
Key 1980 stat: $12,876 annual salary as South San Francisco garbage collector
Gaze upon him: Here we have style maven Al Holland. The talented pitcher set out each day to redefine fashion on the diamond. He eschewed baseball caps, saying men who always wore hair helmets didn't need them. He sewed his own jacket from a tarp that spent two winters covering a wood pile. Why? Because he could. He grew a mustache that frowned for him when reporters questioned his fashion choices. His mutton chops? Epic. They were as thick as most lumberjacks' beards — but who needs a beard with a chin that manly? We salute you, Al Holland. A true style Giant.

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Name: Jim Wohlford
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: A giant pile of dog crap
Key 1980 stat: 206 bologna sandwiches eaten
Top 10 wrinkles on Jim Wohlford's face:

10) That laugh line on the left side of his face
9) The laugh line next to that one
8) The other laugh line next to that second one
7) That murder of crow's feet
6) The one over by his right ear
5) No, not that one, that one
4) The wrinkle that appears to actually be on his right ear
3) The ones that also seem to house his eyelids
2) All of the forehead ones covered by his bangs
1) That one running down the middle of the bridge of his nose. Weird.

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Name: Joe Altobelli and the San Francisco Giants
Team: See above
Position: Manager and the team
Value of card: One-quarter of a cent for each player on the card
Key 1978 stat: 22 fights with the Dodgers
Let's take a look at Joe Altobelli and the 1979 Giants by the numbers:

36: Players and coaches in uniform
36: Players and coaches chewing tobacco in this photo
11: Players and coaches who could play at a big-league level
3: Clubhouse guys wearing satin jackets that could sell for $200 each on eBay to San Francisco hipsters
6: Players sitting on boxes filled with homeless people sleeping
1: Player ruining the photo by looking off camera (We're looking at you, front row far right)
1: Player taking lounging to an uncomfortable level (We're looking at you, middle row second from right)
1: Unhappy manager

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An 8-ounce glass of San Francisco street puddle water
Key 1990 stat: 716 times opponents made snide comments about his last name
It's time for The Caption, which most likely never ran in The San Francisco Chronicle in the early 1990s: "Kirt Manwaring, left, of the San Francisco Giants, engages in a knock-down, drag-out fight with Chicago Cubs first baseman Mark Grace, right, after a violent game of Twister that started when Grace barreled into Manwaring at home and challenged the catcher to a best-hair contest to decide whether the run would count despite the basic rules of baseball, which, obviously, disallow such childish behavior by two grown men with spectacular coifs, on Wednesday at Candlestick Park in San Francisco."

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Names: Duane Kuiper, Mike Krukow
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, pitcher
Value of cards: As many cents as Kuiper's career home run total (combined)
Key 1980 stat: 14 times dreaming of sitting next to each other doing play-by-play (combined)
It's time for a San Francisco edition of The Matchup, which features current Giants TV broadcast partners Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow:

Round 1: Carefree attitude seen in unkempt hairstyle (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Choice of cummerbund instead of baseball belt (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of buttons on Little League-quality jersey (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sensational staring technique (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Animal magnetism — mad animal magnetism (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Admiration for sleeves cut off with kindergarten safety scissors (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Career home runs (Winner: Krukow)

Score: Krukow 1, Kuiper 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have a Matchup that features two professionals who are so linked, you know it's going to be close. Indeed, this edition's margin of victory was razor-thin, but when the dust had settled, Krukow told Kuiper, "Grab some pine, meat."

Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, 1981 Topps

Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One insult
Key 1990 stat: One visit to the atmosphere of Mars, apparently
Not so thrilled: Will Clark must have had a beef with Fleer around 1990. How else could one explain this card? See, most of these Fleer Pro-Visions pointed to a strength in a player's game, like speed, power, or the ability to count. Instead, this one seems to insinuate that even a ball of rubber could break the Thrill's bat. Rude. It's not all bad, though. At least they gave him enough sense to pull his head away from the flying shards of wood.

Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Name: Brian Wilson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Price of a piece of taffy in 1962 (1 cent)
Key 2010 stat: 15 minutes of fame
Introducing ... the Backward Beard®: Many trademarked hairstyles have debuted on The Bust, but this is the first from the 2000s. In the esteemed tradition of The Hill of Hair®, The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, Brian Wilson, always looking for a place in the spotlight, debuts his 'do. His inspiration? The beard he would later grow that would catapult him to fame from San Francisco to Hollywood and onto the national stage. Wilson managed to grow a beard not on his face, but atop his head, cascading upward instead of falling downward, and looking every bit the tangled mess of the beard that Wilson would later unleash on the world. Now that's how you 'do it.

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Names: Will Clark and Mark McGwire
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Oakland A's, respectively
Positions: First base, squared
Value of card: 2 ounces of plaque
Key 1995 stat: Zero Battles of the Bay
It's time for a Bay Area-themed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Giant bulge (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Giant gums (Winner: McGwire)
Round 3: Giant (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Busting out of his belt (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Busting veins out of his skin (Winner: McGwire)
Round 6: Need for a dentist visit (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Lovers lost in the clouds (Winner: Tie)

Score: Clark 3, McGwire 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: No earthquakes broke up this Battle of the Bay, but, in the end, the two participants shook off society's conventions, embraced each other with their heads in the clouds and didn't let The Thrill's win come between them.

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Name: Barry Bonds (feat. Ken Griffey Jr.)
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Overbidding in the Showcase Showdown on "The Price is Right"
Key 1995 stat: Five fingers (that's four more than he usually gave photographers)
Just in time for the MLB playoffs, it's V.J. Lovero Showcase Week: When talented Sports Illustrated photographer V.J. Lovero died in 2004, he left behind many great baseball images, as well as one of the most ridiculous baseball card subsets of all time, the 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase. This week, we're highlighting seven of the most absurd shots from that collection, all intended to show MLB stars at their most colorful (and we all know how well that's turned out before).
Something's amiss: There's something unusual about this card, but we just can't put our finger on it. It's not Griffey, with his hat turned backward, smile on his face       the Kid always seemed to be smiling in the mid-'90s. It's definitely not Barry, waving away a member of the media with a look of displeasure. That's par for the course. It's not even that ad on the fence for Arrowhead Water, so cool and refreshing after a day (OK, three innings) of patrolling the outfield during a spring training game. Wait a sec ... spring training ... that's it! A cloudy day in Phoenix? Unheard of. What, did it start raining toads next?

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Name: Salomon Torres
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Pitcher, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of 2-week-old leftover coffee grounds
Key 1991 stat: Zero of his high school sophomore year classes attended
Advertisement (mostly translated) for Dominican Republic beisbols, circa 1991: "Howdy, beisbol fans. I'm 15-year-old Salomon Torres, one of the Dominican Republic's brightest pitching prospects, and I'm here to tell you about beisbols. You might not have ever seen one of these round, white beisbols. We all grew up playing with rocks, rolled-up corn husks or goat feces wrapped in string, but now we have beisbols, the revolutionary invention that will allow us to become even better players in that hellhole to the north, Los Estados Unidos. So put down the dung and grab a beisbol, kid. In two years, with a little bit of 'bols, you might just be the next Salomon Torres."

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Will Clark, 1991 Bowman

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: Lots of green (see above)
Key 1990 stat: 14 sourdough crabs eaten before this photo was taken
Will doesn't look thrilled; a few of the guys who had been testing his patience:

• A flagrant steroid user
• Some headline-chasing prima donna
• Two guys pretending to get erotic
• The members of the Pacific Sock Exchange
• A cereal-eating FBI agent
• Some dude wearing makeup
• A stark reminder of himself
• Reggie Jackson's teacher's pet
• Some hungover jerk
• A sausage-craving San Franciscan

Will Clark, 1991 Bowman