Showing posts with label Spandex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spandex. Show all posts


"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.


Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Cofer
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One of those sweat socks — just one
Let's break down Michael Cofer's workout, by the numbers:

15: Spandex stretches
50: Imaginary weight lifts
45: Sweat sock roll-downs
100: Flat top combings
250: Flexes for the camera
10: Continuous hours of standing like a weirdo


Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."


Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Name: Ricky Proehl
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three spikes from a cactus in the Arizona desert
Key 1990 stat: 18 inches of shirt tucked in
Let's take a look at Ricky Proehl, By the Numbers:

14: Inches of short-shorts
24: Inches of Spandex
34: Below-the-waist fashion choices that would have been wiser

48: Height of Michael Jordan's vertical leap
28: Height of a respectable vertical leap for a non-athlete
8: Height of Ricky Proehl's vertical leap

3: Wires it took to suspend Proehl for this card
4: Hours it took to get Proehl in the perfect position for this card
5: Pro Line executives who congratulated one another for this card
6: Collectors who still own this card


Reggie Roby 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 26)

Name: Reggie Roby
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Punter
Value of card: 3 pounds of guts from inside a dead dolphin
Key 1991 stat: 62 times kicking a football in the air, and nothing else all season
10 other professions that would have made leg specialist and punter Reggie Roby a success:
10) Kickball superstar
9) Freakshow contortionist
8) Stand-in for Ralph Macchio in "The Karate Kid, Part II"
7) Weather vane
6) This Bangkok savage
5) Creepy yoga instructor (who wears the outfit above)
4) A medical specimen for muscle specialists enthralled by the protruding mid-under-thigh muscle ball on Roby's punting leg
3) Rockette
2) L'eggs model
1) A lamp with "Fragile" marked on the box, which must be Italian


Randal Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 19)

Name: Randal Hill
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two jars of air
Key 1990 stat: 25 lazy afternoons spent lying on the grass, looking up at the sky and thinking, "That one looks like a Dolphin, an underachieving Dolphin."
It's time for another edition of The Caption, which we're told ran in a Miami-area newspaper in 1991: "Wide receiver Randal Hill leaps a tall goal post in a single bound Tuesday on a cloudy day never seen in Miami because the sun is always shining, the neon is always bright and the women are always shimmering in Miami, yes in Miami, while wearing skin-tight Spandex and one-quarter as much shirt as shorts in Miami, yes in Miami, while shamelessly plugging Nike Flight performance cleats in a blatant attempt to get his hands on a preorder pair of the newest Air Jordans, which would mean he got his hands on something at least once this season, in Miami, yes in Miami."


Kevin Porter, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Porter
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Defensive back, offensive front
Value of card: 25 cents for vending machine plastic earring
Key 1990 stat: Zero sleeves worn, 11 straight months
Conversation between Porter and Pro Line photographer, Aug. 14, 1991:
Pro Line photographer: Hey, good to meet you, Kevin. We'll do this quick.
Kevin Porter: No, no. Take your time. I want to look as fly as possible.
PLP: Sounds good. Why don't you take off that sweatsuit and get into a jersey and football pants.
KP: I have a better idea. Boo-ya!
(Porter rips off first layer of clothing to expose full spandex outfit.
PLP: Ummmmm. I wasn't expecting that. OK, you want to take some action shots?
KP: I have a better idea.
(Porter sits down, spread-eagle, busting from his spandex.)
PLP: I don't think this will work. Kids are going to be looking at this card, man.
KP: So?
PLP: So, you're exposing your junk and your outfit is ridiculous.
KP: (through tears) You take that back.
PLP: OK, OK. Your outfit is radical, dude. But let's do something about the indecent exposure case you're working on.
KP: You want me to put my hands over it? (Points to crotch.)
PLP: No. Instead, let's just make it three balls.


Al Toon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 4)

Name: Al Toon
Team: New York Jets
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Under par, but in a bad way
Key 1990 stat: He'll take a mulligan
Toon's scorecard for his golf round, June 14, 1990:
Hole No. 1: 6 (inches cut off his sleeves)
Hole No. 2: 5 (hours staring at nothing)
Hole No. 3: 4 (minutes arranging what he referred to as "the front nine")
Hole No. 4: 16 (inches of socks when unfurled)
Hole No. 5: 7 (insults about outfit yelled by playing partner)
Hole No. 6: 5 (jokes about "holes")
Hole No. 7: 4 ('toons watched in the clubhouse by Toon)
Hole No. 8: 2 (pairs of shorts, which is one too many)
Hole No. 9: 7 (length, in inches, of spandex shorts)
Hole No. 10: 3 (haircuts a week to keep flattop looking so smooth)
Hole No. 11: 6 (minutes on the course before Toon changed into this outfit)
Hole No. 12: 5 (ounces of sweat squeezed from wristband)
Hole No. 13: 2 (caddies blinded from the shine from Toon's legs)
Hole No. 14: 5 (references to working on his "putts")
Hole No. 15: 4 (childhoods scarred by this card)
Hole No. 16: 3 (birdies, shoved down his pants)
Hole No. 17: 2 ("huevos" displayed for the world to see)
Hole No. 18: 1 (of the most ridiculous bulges ever photographed)


Andre Agassi, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 1)

Name: Andre Agassi
Country: United States
Value of card: 3 square inches of spandex, no more
Key 1990 stat: 67-inch mullet
Welcome to Wimbledon Week: The grass at the All England Club is green, the balls are out, the forehands are coming overhand and Dick Enberg is slurring about service and love somewhere. This can mean only one thing: It's Wimbledon Week on The Bust. For one tortuous, tennis-filled week, we'll look at some the best and worst of the early 1990s. Expect a lot of faults.
You can't spell "Agassi" without "ass": Just who did this fancy-pants toolbox think he was? What's brighter: the neon on the racquet or the neon in his wig? It must be a wig, because why else would this guy wear a secondhand tuxedo cummerbund around his head? It's nice, though, that his obnoxious pink headband matches his obnoxious pink T-shirt and his obnoxious pink spandex shorts. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was putting fashion ahead of tennis. The leather-band watch is a nice touch. It really goes well with the rest of the sporty outfit. The one thing Agassi was missing in 1991? A beard. Boom.


Doug West, 1992-93 Upper Deck Team Checklist (Basketball Art Week No. 1)

Name: Doug West
Team: Minnesota Timberwolves
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Seven scraps of dried paint
Key 1991-92 stat: 14 neck wrinkles
Welcome to Basketball Art Week: As the NCAA swings into action this week, our attention turns back to atrocious basketball cards. Sure, action shots are nice and studio shots are even better, but here at The Bust, there's nothing we like more than a good illustration. In the absence of that, we will be bringing you a week's worth of laughable illustrations from the early 1990s. Try not to go blind the next seven days.
Behind the canvas: Art collectors of the world, you'll want to pay attention. Before you start the auction for this piece that could range up into the tens of cents, there are a few things you should know. Doug West was a fine basketball player, sure. But he was an exceptional architect. Behind him is the philosophy-bending, post-postmodern home he designed for himself. It features six bedrooms, five bathrooms, 12 barbershops and a spandex factory. Yes, West was a spandex fanatic. He created the world's first spandex neck warmer, which, as this fine piece shows, had to be quite long. Depicting West's neck in such a way was the brainchild of artist Alan Studt, a part-time roofer. Studt had trouble getting West to pose with any semblance of emotion for this piece. Then, an idea sprung forth. The artist held up a pastrami sandwich, which brought about the face you see above. Now, art collectors, let the bidding begin. Do I hear 1 cent? One cent? A half-cent? Lint? Do I hear "lint"?



Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Name: Erik Howard
Team: New York Giants
Positions: Defensive tackle, bar owner
Value of card: Two songs on The Blue Oyster bar jukebox
Key 1990 stat: Two tangos with Capt. Harris
Leatherman and leatherhead: Erik Howard was a respected defensive tackle on two Super Bowl-winning Giants teams. He made big plays in the trenches, persevered through injuries and led his unit by example. But it wasn't his unit that most concerned him. Howard owned The Blue Oyster, a gay bar whose clientele included bikers, sailors, cowboys, leathermen, bears and the occasional police officer. In fact, it was these interactions with police that made The Blue Oyster famous. It was featured in movies, and tango competitions at the bar became the toast of the gay community. Despite the bar's success, Howard concentrated on football. But after football, he emerged from the shadows and publicly declared his love for Sweetchuck.



Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Gable
Team: The US of A
Position: None quite as homoerotic as this
Value of card: Three pieces of used ear tape
Key 1976 stats: One gold medal; one passionate love affair
10 names for Gable's signature move, seen above:
10) Half-Nelson, Full-Sexy
9) Third Base
8) Slightly Homosexual Pile-Driver
7) 'Taint the Move You Want to Be In
6) Crotchlock
5) Reverse Spandex Smut
4) True Love
3) The Smell This
2) Greco-Roman Romance
1) The Gay-ble



Charles Mann, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 32)

Name: Charles Mann
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: "Bend over and I'll show you," Mann says
Key 1990 stat: Two massive traps
It's time for a pigskin quiz, sans shirt:

Why is Charles Mann the man?

(A) His muscles have muscles, which have muscles on top of muscles
(B) He pulls off the cutoff-sweatshorts-over-spandex look
(C) His mustache is as long as a normal man's arm
(D) When he crushes balls, no one makes a joke about it
(E) All of the above