Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts


Curt Leskanic, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: 371426300, Curt Leskanic
Team: Colorado Rockies
Positions: Cyborg, pitcher
Value of card: The last number on his name tag
Key 1994 stat: 16 runtime errors
Curt Leskanic, by the numbers: It's clear from the above photo that Curt Leskanic was a cybernetic organism, serial number 371426300, that was sent back in time to wallow in mediocrity before winning Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. But what does that number signify? Let's break it down.

371: This identifies the manufacturing plant where the cyborg was created, located underground in sub-Saharan Africa, the only place still safe and warm enough to live once the asteroid people find our planet. This is likely the same complex that produced fellow athletic cyborg Matt Riley.
42: The meaning of life, duh.
63: The half-life of the radioactive material powering this man-machine hybrid. Either that, or the rating, out of 10, of the thing's cheekbones. Grrrrowr!
00: The combined value of all baseball cards that Leskanic would appear on. Hey, those future dudes really knew what they were talking about!


Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.


Oscar Azocar, 1991 Topps

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two bats, one ball, no brains
Key 1990 stat: Only halfway decent season
Well, it's not like he was busy playing: What's Oscar Azocar doing here?

A) Attempting to demonstrate how the female reproductive system works
B) Pretending to know how the female reproductive system works
C) Giving up trying to convince the photog that his first and last names aren't pronounced the same way
D) Wearing multiple T-shirts
E) All of the above


John Kruk, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The residue of 50 cheese steaks
Key 1993 stat: One mullet to rule them all
What makes this Diamond King so atrocious? By 1994, Diamond King artists were starting to get a little high-tech. Here we see a rendering of John Kruk utilizing thermal imaging. After waddling from the dugout to the plate, most of Mr. Kruk is orange or red, showing the excessive heat on his skin, particularly where his boiler and man-boobs have chafed against his jersey. The only cool patches are on his forehead, under the shade of his brim; on his neck, under the shade of his mullet; and along his throat, which has been cooled by the four brewskis he just chugged between innings.


Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Cole
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $5 off at LensCrafters
Key 1992 stat: One disability
An enterprising generation: Tragedy befell Alex Cole after the 1992 season when he was blinded during a freak sausage-grinding accident. It appeared the young outfielder's career was over — until technophile Tim Wallach stepped in. Wallach, who had developed a time-traveling device that doubled as a rad sports car, took Cole into the future, where the speedster was fitted with a Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement, or VISOR, much like the one on that "Star Trek" show. The device allowed Cole to see many different visual spectra and even provided him the advantage of X-ray vision. Commissioner Bud Selig originally wanted to ban Cole's device, but, upon seeing it, changed his ruling on the grounds that it was so bitchin'.



Sherman Corbett, 1989 Topps

Name: Sherman Corbett
Team: California Angels
Positions: Relief pitcher, science teacher
Value of card: One beaker
Key 1988 stat: 142 wacky experiments conducted
An experiment gone wrong: As a rookie in 1988, Sherman Corbett had two passions: Pitching and science. When he wasn't throwing cheese to opposing batters, he was growing mold on it in the locker room. He quickly became a clubhouse favorite, helping his teammates' children with their science fair projects and coming up with crazy experiments, like the time he got liquored up and tried to see which player's jock strap had more elasticity. (Bob Boone's won, but all the rigorous stretching earned Corbett a 15-day DL stint). The youngster especially took a liking to Wally Joyner, going so far as to breed a half-horse-half-zebra he named Ezekiel to give to him on his birthday. But the fun and games took on a more sinister tone when Corbett started handing out samples of the latest "supplement" he had concocted with his buddy Vic. Manager Cookie Rojas grew suspicious, and near the end of the season told Corbett to pack up his Bunsen burners and head back to the minors. Ezekiel died in 1997.