Showing posts with label Sosa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sosa. Show all posts


Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: Slammy21
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident

Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams

About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.


Sammy Sosa, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One shiny, new syringe
Key 1990 stat: 4,108 looks back over the shoulder
Time for a very sexy pop quiz:

What's Mr. Sosa doing here?

A) Stretching out for his next at-bat. TO THE MAX!
B) Making his teammates uncomfortable.
C) Posing for the cover of Butt Fancy Magazine.
D) Preparing for an injection of some kind.
E) All of the above.


Sammy Sosa, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 4)

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The joy of an innocent smile
Key 1990 stat: One Sharpie mustache
The fur flies: Before Sammy Sosa became a home run-hitting hero for the Chicago Cubs, he was an animal-loving outfielder on the city's south side. After arriving in a trade from Texas, Sosa opened up a shelter for abandoned creatures. Sammy, however, was never the sharpest tool in the shed, and began taking in more than just lost cats and dogs. Soon, Sosa's chicken-wire cages were filled with ferrets, raccoons, porcupines, a handful of wolf spiders and one ill-tempered mole rat. In fact, a mischievous badger can be seen atop Sosa's head in the above photo. Sosa called it Lamar.


Sammy Sosa, 1993 Studio

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 75-cent haircut in the Dominican Republic
Key 1993 stat: 716 "finger gun" salutes
10 names for Sammy Sosa's 1993 haircut:
10) The Turtleneck Topper
9) El Feo
8) Cascade into Widow's Peak, No. 4
7) The Big "C" (for "catastrophe")
6) The Finger Gun Flat Top
5) The Drunken Barber
4) Razor Gasp Raiser
3) Fine Lines Between Fashion and Failure
2) The Result of Years of Drug Abuse
1) Hairdo Not