Showing posts with label Top Gun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Gun. Show all posts


Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:
  • The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
  • When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
  • The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
  • The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
  • F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.



Howie Long, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 72)

Name: Howie Long
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 268 lbs. of hunk
Key 1990 stat: Two gigantic veins
The essence of a man: Look at Howie Long. Women want him, men want to be him, and artists want to draw him. The bulging, rippling arm muscles. The cropped, well-manicured blond hair. The jaunty neck pads. The steely gaze that reminds us of Slider from "Top Gun." The incredibly defined arm veins. The bullet marks in the wall behind him. The slightly torn jersey that only hints at the oiled chest below. The suggestively untucked belt that hints at, well, you know. It's likely no coincidence the artist stopped just above the crotch. He probably couldn't bring himself to draw that bulge. Some things are simply not for children's eyes.


Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bret "Slider" Saberhagen
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Top Gun Naval Flying School
Position: Ace, hotshot fighter pilot
Value of card: Three toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: Two engines, one need — a need for speed
The forgotten gun: Everyone who has seen the 1980s action classic "Top Gun" remembers Maverick, Iceman and Goose. But what about Slider? A risk taker. A rebel. A winner. No, not Tom Cruise's Maverick. That was Bret Saberhagen's Slider. Before director Tony Scott re-cut the film, Saberhagen was undoubtedly the star. He single-handedly beat Maverick and Goose on the beach volleyball court, and while everyone on the sand went shirtless, Slider went shirtless and shortless. In the skies, Slider was at home. He didn't wear an oxygen mask. Why? Because you can't chew on toothpicks when wearing one. He didn't have the standard military cut. Oh no. He had a flowing, golden mullet that was so thick he didn't have to wear a flying helmet. He had wings on his plane, wings on his bomber jacket and hair wings on the sides of his head. He was an aviator who wore aviators, a rebel who lived fast, played fast and flew fast. He was Slider, and when his performance was cut from "Top Gun," he took his need for speed to the diamond, and the sky was his limit.



Goose Gozzo, 1990 Topps

Name: Goose Gozzo (yes, that's his name)
Team: Toronto
GoosesBlue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One finger in your rump
Key 1989 stat: Two birds, one card
Time for another pop quiz:

How in god's name did Goose Gozzo get that name?

(A) In the delivery room, the doctor told his mother, "All right lady, you got five letters. Make me laugh."
(B) In Canada, "Goose Gozzo" is the equivalent of "John Smith."
(C) He's a huge "Top Gun" fan, hence the mustache.
(D) He has a habit of jamming his finger in "unexpected" places.
(E) All of the above.



Pete Harnisch, 1989 Donruss

Name: Pete "Goose" Harnisch
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, one-half of a sweaty, studly volleyball team
Positions: Ace, Wingman
Value of card: Two Righteous Brothers cassettes
Key 1988 stat: 4(g) inverted dive with a MiG28 (yes, inverted, at 2 meters — make that 1 ½)
"Top Gun" on the mound: Pete "Goose" Harnisch was obsessed with speed. Everything he did was fast. He threw fast, his work on the mound was fast, his lovemaking was fast. Pro scouts said this need, this need for speed, was something with which he was born. They couldn't have been more wrong. (The chorus of Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" starts blaring at 160 decibels.) Before baseball, Harnisch was a hotshot Navy pilot. Though not as reckless as his "partner," Maverick, he was known as a rebel of the skies with a taste for danger and whiskey. He sang love songs in bars, smirked when angry commanders berated his flying, and mastered a wicked serve for matches on the beach volleyball court. (Loggins' "Playing with the Boys" plays in its entirety during a slow-motion scene of Maverick and Goose frolicking in the sand with Iceman and Slider, two Brewers relievers.) Harnisch romanced women from coast to coast, including Meg Ryan. (Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" plays softly in background.) He wore his fighter-pilot mustache with pride and always had a smart-aleck remark for his naysayers. ("The defense department regrets to inform you that you sons are dead because they were stupid.") Harnisch defined his life in two ways: (1) speed, and (2) having a raging fire in his heart tonight, growing higher and higher in his soul, moving that raging fire into the sky tonight, then riding on the silver dove, far into the night. Harnisch lived a rock 'n' roll lifestyle. He partied hard, flew and threw fast, and played his Miami Sound Machine cassettes loud. For Harnisch, the music never stopped, because he was bad at pressing eject.