Showing posts with label Bruce Smith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bruce Smith. Show all posts


Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Outdated technology
Key 1991 stat: One bad Photoshop cutout
Clearing up some rumors about Bruce Smith:
  • Bruce Smith did not use radar to track down quarterbacks. He used sonar.
  • This cutout of Bruce Smith is not poorly done. It just shows his blue aura.
  • Score is not mixing metaphors by using radar and cross hairs on this card. It actually has a contract with the Department of Defense.
  • Bruce Smith is, in fact, screaming "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" while chasing down Ken O'Brien.
  • "Sack Attack" is not also the name of a mid-1990s adult feature. Oh, wait, yes it is.



Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Names: Steve Young, Bruce Smith
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Buffalo Bills
Positions: Quarterback, defensive end
Value of card: Two heads
Key 1991 stat: Zero games played head-to-head
It's an NFC-AFC Matchup!

Round 1: Finely groomed mustache (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Finely groomed "Riddell" logo on helmet (Winner: Young)
Round 3: Proper use of chinstrap (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Career Super Bowls (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Career Super Bowl rings (Winner: Young — sorry Bills fans)
Round 6: Bigger badass (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Gnarly, career-ending concussion (Winner: Young)

Final score: Smith 4, Young 3

Synopsis: The Bills may have never won the big game, but Bruce totally makes up for all those missed championships by defeating a concussed Steve Young in the Matchup — not that Steve will remember it.


Bruce Smith, 1994 Pinnacle (Football Friday No. 52)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 12 ounces of ice, melted, poured down a drain
Key 1993 stat: 1,862 driveways shoveled
Time for an ice-cold pop quiz:

How cold was Bruce Smith when this photo was taken?

(A) His eyes had frozen solid and fallen out of their sockets.
(B) He invented the full-body turtleneck to deal with the weather.
(C) He wasn't cold. He was in the midst of a bitchin' coke party.
(D) The snow froze the "Riddell" logo off the front of his helmet.
(E) When he got home, he climbed inside the carcass of a buffalo.
(F) We're scared. You ask him.
(G) All of the above.



Bruce Smith, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 24)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: It's worth a look
Key 1990 stat: Two silky-smooth legs
Script from Pure Silk Satin Shaving Cream commercial, circa 1990: "Hello, ladies, Bruce Smith here. (Smith stands in short-shorts in front of a picturesque sunset.) I'm a professional football player, and my sport can be pretty rough. (Cut to shot of vicious tackle; Smith says, 'Ooh.') I may like my sport rough, but I don't like my legs that way. That's why I rely on Pure Silk Satin Shaving Cream. (Smith holds up bottle of shaving cream, and looks at it like one would look at a lover.) I have to keep these smooth, sweet-honey legs in tip-top shape for game day (cut to shot of Smith slowly rubbing shaving cream on his leg), but I have to make sure they look and feel their best for the beach, the ballroom and the bedroom, too. So, trust a man who knows how rough (pan to another vicious tackle behind Smith; Smith chuckles) life can be, and pick up a bottle of Pure Silk Satin Shaving Cream at your local drugstore. It's one play the lady in all of us should always make."