Showing posts with label Falcons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Falcons. Show all posts


Deion Sanders, 1993 Skybox Premium (Football Friday No. 223)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: It's slightly exaggerated
Key 1993 stat: Crapped bigger than a city bus
Ways in which Deionzilla destroyed Atlanta:
  • Caused a massive dust storm by running so fast
  • Crushed 14 skyscrapers by high-stepping
  • Flooded entire city blocks with his hair product
  • Started four-alarm fires by reflecting the sun's rays off his necklaces
  • Drove thousands to insanity with his incessant talk (OK, regular Deion did that, too.)



Jerry Glanville, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 65)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Grease on your jeans
Key 1992 stat: 36 biker bars visited
A handful of nicknames given to Jerry Glanville:
  • The Bozo in Black
  • The Buckle
  • Jerry "Who Are You Foolin'?" Glanville
  • Motorcycle Mama
  • Hardly Davidson



Deion Sanders, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 7)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One three-pound dumbbell, melted down
Key 1992 stat: Zero sweat
A brief recap of Deion Sanders' weekly workout routine, circa 1992:

  • Monday: Lifting 40 pounds of gold necklaces over his head, wearing them for the rest of the day
  • Tuesday: 1 set of 20 chest presses followed by 20 minutes of staring at a poster of himself dressed as a pimp (seen in background and here)
  • Wednesday: Running 3 miles in a multi-colored track suit, then getting a helicopter ride home
  • Thursday: Rest; weekly hair appointment
  • Friday: Four hours of playing baseball poorly
  • Saturday: Tackling practice. Ha ha, just kidding. He probably lifted some weights or something.
  • Sunday: High stepping, dancing, and repeat



Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Name: Bill Fralic
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Guard
Value of card: Seven broken, chewed-up, splintering toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: 286 gallons of sweat saved in closet buckets
Conversation between Bill Fralic and a Pro Line photographer, July 23, 1991: 
Pro Line photographer: "Hey, Bill. Good to meet ... whoa!"
Bill Fralic (in voice similar to David Puddy's of "Seinfeld" fame: "What's the matter? Never seen a man work out before?"
PLP: "No, no. It's just, um, don't you think you should put on pants for the shoot?"
BF: "Why would I do that? This is how I work out. Pantsless."
PLP: "Um, OK."
BF: "Sans pants."
PLP: "Got it."
BF: "Sin pantalones, amigo."
PLP: "Yeah, I understand."
BF: "Positively without pants."
PLP: "OK, let's just get this shoot over with."
BF: "Sure. Just let me put on my socks."
PLP: "Really? You're going to spread your legs in the air like that? How about I turn around?"
BF: "What's the matter? Never seen a man put on socks before?"
PLP: "Just close your legs, finish pulling up your socks and let's shoot this."
BF: "Hold on. Make sure you get my red Jockeys in the shot. My mother is going to see this."


Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Name: Jesse Tuggle, aka "Tarantula"
Team: Atlanta Fal-guns
Positions: Linebacker, giant spider
Fright value of card: Bug guts
Key 1994 splat: Eight legs, zero hands
It's another spook-tacular Halloween Week! Up until now, the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron cards we've featured have ranged from nonsensical to emasculating. Some of them could even be called obscene. But never have they been scary. At first, we thought this was another bit of silliness to be mocked without fear. Then we looked at Jesse Tuggle's face. Whether that's a mask or makeup, it's enough to give us the willies. Of course, then we think about the word "Tuggle" and snicker to ourselves a little.


Chris Miller, 1992 Fleer Ultra Chris Miller Series (Football Friday No. 102)

Name: Chris Miller
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Monetary equivalent of stock in 2011
Key 1991 stat: One endorsement deal (with Fleer Ultra)
Wait, wait, wait, what? Yes, what you're seeing is real. Fleer Ultra dedicated a 12-card subset to Chris Miller in 1991. Yes, that Chris Miller. We were confused, too, so we checked the record books. Yup, plenty of good players took the field in 1991. The mediocre Miller wasn't the only player in the NFL that season. The brainiacs at Fleer could have picked a quarterback who was playing then or one who had retired. They could have held out until basketball season and picked a more exciting Miller or held out until baseball season and done the same thing. But no, they wanted to highlight Chris Miller's 26-touchdown, 18-interception 1991 season, which, though pedestrian, would far and away be his best season. So, grab a set of 1991 Fleer Ultra Chris Miller Series cards and flip one over. Miller's sole "performance highlight" is listed: "Miller had a 12-card Fleer Ultra football card series dedicated to him in 1991."


Jerry Glanville, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 7)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Worth its weight in hair gel
Key 1990 stat: 18-pound belt buckle
10 appropriate titles for this inappropriate card:
10) "Look at the Buckle. Look at the Buckle. Look at the Buckle."
9) "The Bulge of Monte Cristo"
8) "(How Long Do I Need to Suck It In?) Exhale"
7) "Oh, Hello. I Didn't See You Standing There"
6) "Hair Helmet Symphony No. 5 in D(ouchebag) Major"
5) "Living the Good Life on Parka Avenue"
4) "Buckle Under Pressure"
3) "A Falcon with Fat Fingers"
2) "Aplomb and Jerry"
1) "Glam-ville"


Deion Sanders, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Atlanta Falcons
Positions: Outfield, cornerback, hip-hop star
Value of card: One gold-plated money sign necklace
Key 1991 stat: 12 interceptions (of pitch-outs)
Deion Sanders, By the Numbers:

186: Career stolen bases
187: Pager code sent to fellow two-sport star Bo Jackson
188: Pieces of gold worn in one month's time
112: Weight of Deion's ego, in metric tons
17: Times Deion referred to himself in the third person in one sentence, June 16, 1991
4: Deions on this card
4: Deion mirror reflections that Deion used to style Deion's hair
2: Atlanta sports teams on which Deion played
2: Legitimate solo tackles Deion made in 1992
1: More Deion on this card than on this card
0: No. 1 hip-hop hits, despite his efforts


Lincoln Kennedy, 1993 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 34)

Name: Lincoln Kennedy
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Tackle
Value of card: 25 cents for gumball-machine watch
Key 1992 stat: 2 feet grown, 220 pounds gained
A kid's game: At 11 years old, Lincoln Kennedy was 4 feet 5 and 100 pounds. He was a normal kid who liked playing on jungle gyms, eating hot dogs with cheese in the middle and watching Saturday morning cartoons. Then, he experienced the most epic growth spurt in recorded history. Within a few weeks, he grew to 6 feet 5 and weighed 320 pounds. He was awkward at first, tripping over his 14-pound feet and knocking over things with his salami-stick fingers. But he started to gain control of his body, building the confidence needed to enter under-14 sumo wrestling matches and apple sauce-eating contests. At a Fourth of July AppleFest in Atlanta, a Falcons scout passed by a stage and saw the massive 11-year-old chugging apple sauce by the gallon. In a moment, he knew: "Lil' Lincoln" had the size, stamina and swagger to play in the NFL, immediately. The scout talked to Lincoln behind the stage, and made a deal the child prodigy couldn't refuse: a three-year contract with the Falcons in exchange for a swimming pool full of apple sauce, a team hat too small for his massive head and a gumball-machine watch.



Deion Sanders, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 19)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One Trapper Keeper
Key 1991 stat: Two Prime Times
For the children: In an effort to save money in 1991, Upper Deck did away with hiring professional artists for its illustrated cards, instead letting employees' children do the honors. Here we see 13-year-old Vance Wells' rendering of Deion "Prime Time" Sanders. Sure, Deion appears to have a fake left arm made of oak and a smile like that of a ventriloquist's dummy, but, dang it, little Vance worked hard on this. His middle school art classes really paid off on his towel drawings, and there is very little bleeding in the "PRIME TIME" stenciling. Plus, the penmanship on Deion's headband is at least worth a B. You know, for Bust.


Deion Sanders, 1992 Skybox Pimp Insert (Football Friday, No. 1)

Name: "Neon" Deion "Prime Time" Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback, King of Slop
Value of card: $$
Key 1991 stat: Three Deions
Headline: The King of Pop dies at 50
A thriller on the field: They say there are no new ideas. They say average artists borrow; great artists steal. They say style is truth. If these statements are true, a small part of Deion Sanders died yesterday, June 25, when Michael Jackson succumbed to a heart attack. "Neon" Deion Sanders was a flamboyant athlete from Florida State University who played professional football and baseball. He was known, in this order, for his brash sense of style, his football skills and his minimal baseball IQ. By looking at the above card, it's obvious Sanders stole his fashion identity from Michael Jackson. Both adored leather jackets, gold and ridiculous hats. But Deion Sanders and Michael Jackson had more in common than style. Michael Jackson sang "Smooth Criminal." Deion Sanders is a criminal. Michael Jackson sang "Bad." Deion Sanders was bad at baseball. Michael Jackson sang "Man in the Mirror." In 1992, Deion Sanders got stuck in a house of mirrors (see above). Michael Jackson sang "P.Y.T." Deion Sanders was, by all accounts, a P.Y.T. in the early 1990s. But the strongest connection between the two should be obvious: They both made music that defined a generation.