Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts


Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Names: Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Second base, coach, catcher
Value of card: Two ants crawling on an old tube-style TV that was left by the side of the road
Key 1988 stat: Lots of brown clothes
"TV Guide" summary of a 1989 episode of the lowly regarded show "All Those Alomars": "Robby and Sandy Sr. pressure Junior to grow a mustache so he can be like them. Junior refuses and proceeds to shave his whole body in defiance. Robby and his dad argue over who plays second base better, and hijinks ensue. Junior squats a lot. The Griffeys make a guest appearance."


Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."


Dave Schmidt, 1985 Topps

Name: Dave "Screech" Schmidt
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two plastic sheriff's badges
Key 1984 stat: 22,876 hours of "Walker, Texas Ranger" watched
Meet the Bayside Rangers starting pitcher: When Dave "Screech" Schmidt wakes up in the morning and the clock gives out a warning, he never thinks he's going to make it to the field on time. By the time he grabs his bats and he gives himself a look, he's at the corner just in time to see the team bus fly by. If the manager pops a test, Schmidt knows he's in a mess, and the dog ate all his chewing tobacco last night. Right alone in his chair, the manager won't know that Schmidt's there, if he can have a decent outing tomorrow he'll be all right. It's all right 'cause he's saved by the bell. It's all right ... it's all right ... it's all right, 'cause he's saved by the bell.


Alex Sanchez, 1989 Donruss

Name: Alex Sanchez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nothing good
Key 1989 stats: Four games, three starts, zero wins
Toronto Blue Jays' scouting report on nondescript rookie Alex Sanchez: "Resemblance to A.C. Slater from 'Saved by the Bell' should score us some points with fans who are teenage girls. ... Sure, his last name is Sanchez, but judging by his stuff, he ain't 'dirty.' ... Currently leading our Triple-A team in mullet and steely eyes. ... Hard to find a photo of this guy. All we've got so far is his driver's license photo, but thankfully he's wearing his uniform in it. We may need to buy this guy some actual clothes. ... Needs to work on: (1) curveball; (2) changeup; (3) chin. ... We're all pulling for him in his effort to some day grow facial hair."


Frank Thomas, 1992 Baseball Card Presents ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 2)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 16 TV Guides from the late 1980s used to mop up air-conditioning condensation
Key 1991 stat: 22,986 hours of TV watched
10 television shows that could star Frank Thomas with one word change:
10) "Thomas in Charge"
9) "The Big Hurt Theory"
8) "Lacking Chicago Hope"
7) "Magnum D.H."
6) "Beavis and Huge-Head"
5) "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks"
4) "Baseball Brew Masters"
3) "Frank 'Nose' Best"
2) "The Mesh Prince of Bel-Air"
1) "Frank Thomas the Tank and Friends"


Dick Vitale, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Dick Vitale
Team: Team ESPN
Position: Analyst
Value of card: Two earplugs, used by someone else
Key 1994 stat: Talked about Duke 3,109,442,795 times
Just in time for the NBA Finals, Dicky V welcomes you to Another Freakin' Basketball Week: "Settle in, everybody, this week is gonna be awesome, baby! Sure, you won't see many PTPers, many diaper dandies, or anyone who's awesome with a capital 'A.' No chance, but I'll tell you what you are gonna see. You're gonna see something special, baby, you're gonna see some all-star mullets, you're gonna see some shorts riding up to places that aren't for the faint of heart, and you're gonna see some pieces of clothing that belong nowhere near a human body! That's right, including my own tie! It's a Dicky V special, baby, a real checkerboard atrocity! That's OK, though, because all my gold buttons and my shiny bald head will distract the opposition from noticing the Bust trophy on my microphone! These next seven days are gonna be incredible!"


Cherokee Parks, 1999-2000 Upper Deck (Another White Ballers Week No. 7)

Name: Cherokee Parks
Team: Vancouver Grizzlies
Position: Center
Value of card: .90210 cents
Key 1999-2000 stat: One special guest starring role
Back in Beverly Hills: Cherokee Parks was better known for his name and his look than his NBA success.  He loved the league, but he loved his paycheck more, and he knew his future would be bright with a name like "Cherokee." He was right. In the 1999-2000 offseason, Parks got a call from Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling. The legendary TV show creator told him that his recent tent-pole production, "Beverly Hills: 90210," was sagging in the ratings, and he wanted a new love interest for his daughter, Tori, who played Donna on "B-H 9er." Parks said he was interested. Acting had appealed to him since his days on the Duke University Improv team, the Improv-ments. He signed a contract a few days later and played a tall, white and handsome basketball player who was 5 percent Native American and who transferred to West Beverly High from Vancouver, where he had lived on a reservation and never saw a convertible or an episode of "Melrose Place." His character, aptly named Cherokee, was well-received, and the audience was shocked when, five episodes into his character's run, it was revealed that, just like Brandon and Brenda, Cherokee had a twin, who would go on to change the famous ZIP code forever, or at least during sweeps week.


Will Smith, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Stay In School (Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Will Smith
Team: Bel-Air Academy Peacocks
Position: Actor
Value of card: Half a jacket
Key 1991-92 stat: Zero hats worn correctly
The legend of the Fresh Prince: Will Smith was born in West Philadelphia, Pa., to a single mother. Smith grew into a street-smart teenager, spending most of his days on the playground, where he would hang out, "max," relax all cool, and often play basketball near his learning institution. Trouble arose in 1990, when two young men invaded Smith's neighborhood, causing chaos by picking people up and spinning them around on their shoulders. Smith encountered these ruffians one afternoon — and did not fare well in the ensuing fight. His mother, fearful of seeing her son's life wasted, decided to send him to stay with her sister's family in Bel-Air, Calif. Smith, terrified of flying, decided to take a taxi to California, a trip that cost just under $23,000. The cabby's eccentricities — dice hanging from his mirror, a personalized license plate, an unseemly odor — made the trek a rare one. Smith arrived at his new home around 7:30 p.m., bid his driver farewell, and quickly became a royal pain in the butt to his obese uncle and his aunt, who underwent an amazing transformation around Season 3.

And now that you're dying to hear it: Here's the theme song.


Jeff Nelson, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Jeff Nelson, aka Kenny Powers
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Closer
Value of card: "Not worth as much as these nuts," Powers said.
Key 1993 stat: "Numbers are for people who don't have talent. If there's two things I have it's talent, balls and talent," Powers said.
Northbound and down: Kenny Powers had been run out of Atlanta, New York and San Francisco. He was in Seattle, his career in decline. He had poisoned the media and the fans had abandoned him. His velocity was gone and he was spending money on hookers, cocaine and Budweiser at a staggering rate. Kenny Powers needed a change, and he'd tell you: "When my (expletive) was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multimillion-dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my (expletive). Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a (expletive) cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm." But Kenny Powers didn't give up. He struck out on a new road, with glory in mind. He had a vision of paradise on the diamond and he knew only the heart of a champion and the mind of a scientist would get him there. So he stole a few credit cards and an ID from some guy named Jeff Nelson, and his career, for a short time, was reborn in Seattle.



Dave Henderson, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: Dave "Hendu" Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield, kids show host
Value of card: Six beard hairs, partially burned
Key 1991 stat: Last-place ratings, 4:30 a.m. time slot
Script from "Hendu's Romper Room" children's TV show commercial, circa 1992: "Hey, kids, gather 'round. It's your big buddy Hendu, host of 'Hendu's Romper Room' on public-access Channel 74 in Oakland. You want to get in the game at 4:30 in the morning? Stop by and have some big-league fun with your pal Hendu, a guy who likes to clown around. What kind of fun do we have? Well, check out my buddies in the dugout: We talk on the phone, we drink beer, we catch some zzzz's, we catch some more zzzz's, we grab our gloves and get ready for the game, we cross our legs and chew tobacco, and we cheer on our fans - you little guys. So, tell your parents to get you up before the sun comes up and turn your TV to Channel 74. 'Hendu's Romper Room' is on, and we're playing with balls - baseballs, that is."



Kendall Gill, 1993-94 Upper Deck Checklist (NBA Finals Week No. 7)

Name: Kendall Gill
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Guard/forward
Value of card: One probe
Key 1993 stat: One crashed pilot
Kendall Gill is not an alien: The above illustration was originally made for Kendall Gill's television pilot, "ALF: Alien Life Forward," about a creature from another world who crash lands on our planet with no way to get home. After being adopted by a middle-class family in Charlotte, the 6-foot-5 creature ends up signing a 10-day contract with the Charlotte Hornets. He then learns that the NBA is actually populated with all kinds of aliens, including Sam Cassell, Manute Bol and Gheorghe Muresan. Hilarity ensues. The show never aired, as network executives realized that it somehow had managed to be even less funny than the original "ALF."


2010 Topps History of the Game (2010 Week, No. 6)

Name: First Televised World Series Championship
Teams: New York Yankees, Brooklyn Dodgers
Positions: All of them
Value of card: One ha'penny
Key 1947 stat: One black player in all of Major League Baseball
Looking sharp in 2010: Man, these 2010 Topps cards look great. The colors are vivid. Look at that green. It's like you're watching high-definition TV, part of it in retro black and white. Wow. Amazing. With this set, collectors not only get one of the most action-packed shots in sports card history, they get a glimpse of high fashion, modeled by a TV cameraman. What this card doesn't show you are some of the game's fastest rising stars, sure to dominate the game well into 2011 and beyond. There's Arky Vaughan, Cookie Lavagetto, Erv Palica and Kirby Higbe on the Brooklyn Dodgers. Who knew they moved from Los Angeles? On the Yankees, you have Spec Shea, Spud Chandler, Dick Starr and Mel Queen. Expect big things from these future stars in the 21st century. And expect Topps to keep pushing sports cards into the future.



Jeff McKnight, 1991 Topps

Name: Jeff McKnight
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Utility player
Value of card: Three cans of Doc McKnight's Mustache Thinner
Key 1990 stat: Four RBI. Seriously.
Clearing up some rumors about Jeff McKnight:
• McKnight did NOT wear sunglasses. Instead, he purchased reading glasses and shaded them in with a No. 2 pencil.
• McKnight did NOT have a mustache. Instead, he trimmed locks from his golden mullet and stapled them to his upper lip.
• McKnight DID in fact star in a TV pilot, called "McKnight Rider," about a baseball player who moonlights as a rodeo star. The show did NOT co-star the lovely Delta Burke.
• McKnight DID have his own baseball card despite appearing in just 29 games in 1990. This was due in large part to his golden mullet.



Andy Van Slyke, 1991 Score

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 30 seconds of advertising on CBS
Key 1990 stat: One failed TV pilot
Plot summary for "Rifleman," a ripoff of NBC's hit "Quantum Leap": Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Andy Van Slyke stepped into the "Rifleman" accelerator and vanished. He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change baseball history for the better. His only guide on this journey was Al Newman, an observer from his own time, who appeared in the form of a Photoshop cutout that only Andy could see and hear. And so Van Slyke found himself leaping from game to game, striving to put right what once was scored as an error, and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home.

Card submitted by Greg Schindler


Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: $1.99 per minute
Key Super Bowl stat: 193 girls chatted with
Dial '0' for Joe: Sure, he's a Super Bowl legend now, but in the early 1980s, Joe Montana was just a kid trying to find his way in the NFL. After going a combined 2-6 in his first eight starts, Montana's confidence was nonexistent. His life changed one night in the summer of 1981 when, while spending another lonely evening in his San Francisco apartment, eating Cheetos and watching "Late Night With David Letterman," a commercial for a chat line called Livelinks came on the tube. Attractive women with denim bikinis and perms giggled their way across the screen, phones glued to their ears. "Call now to talk with sexy, single girls in your area," the ad beckoned. Montana called, all right. From his home, from hotel rooms, from phone booths and even from the field on game days. Coach Bill Walsh was at first dismayed — until his team started winning. A suddenly confident, macho Montana helped the Niners rack up a 13-3 record — and a $13,000 monthly phone bill.


Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Cole
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $5 off at LensCrafters
Key 1992 stat: One disability
An enterprising generation: Tragedy befell Alex Cole after the 1992 season when he was blinded during a freak sausage-grinding accident. It appeared the young outfielder's career was over — until technophile Tim Wallach stepped in. Wallach, who had developed a time-traveling device that doubled as a rad sports car, took Cole into the future, where the speedster was fitted with a Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement, or VISOR, much like the one on that "Star Trek" show. The device allowed Cole to see many different visual spectra and even provided him the advantage of X-ray vision. Commissioner Bud Selig originally wanted to ban Cole's device, but, upon seeing it, changed his ruling on the grounds that it was so bitchin'.



Frank Thomas, 1992 Superstar Zone

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: One dowsing rod
Key 1991 stat: 109 runs bat — wait, what exactly is he holding?
It's a dry heat: Before the popularity of reality television, network executives at ESPN created a show in which White Sox slugger Frank Thomas was left stranded in "The Superstar Zone" — which was really just White Sands National Monument in New Mexico. Thomas was helicoptered in with nothing but his uniform, a baseball, a bat and a glove. His challenge: Find safety within 48 hours. The show, of course, never aired, because Thomas proceeded to wander around the luminescent sand, undoing his pants and grasping his "dowsing rod" in a supposed attempt to find water. As a result, the production team learned that "The Big Hurt" was really more of an "Average-Size Hurt."


Keith Hernandez, 1986 Topps Record Breaker

Name: Keith Hernandez (I'm Keith Hernandez)
Team: New York Mets
Positions: First base, within a funnel cloud
Value of card: $3.50, or a VHS tape of "Twister"
Key 1985 stat: One game-winning RBI in the midst of a natural disaster
A mustache in the wind: It was Sept. 16, 1985, and a Texas twister was spinning a mile from the Houston Astrodome. Umpires conferred with meteorologists, and the decision was made to continue the game. The Astros were leading, 5-4, going into the ninth inning, when the winds started swirling directly outside the stadium. Fans began to panic as noise from the cyclone built. Then, suddenly, the twister ripped a hole in the dome. Fans ran for exits, but the players stayed on the field. Astros starter Mike Scott looked up at the twister, spit twice and started his windup. Keith Hernandez stood at the plate. As the fastball rushed toward Hernandez, the tornado's winds pulled his batting helmet from his head and lifted the pitcher into the air. But what the Astros and Mother Nature hadn't counted on was the gravitational pull of Hernandez's mustache. The hair above his upper lip was so lush and dense, it counterbalanced the pull of the twister and kept Hernandez on the ground, allowing him to hit a single into right field and win the game, which was immediately called. This feat of manhood broke a long-held major league record: Hernandez and his mustache now had the most game-winning RBIs in the midst of a natural disaster, two. His first game during the natural disaster that was the Mets' 1983 season.



Mark McGwire, 1992 Studio

Name: Mark McGwire
Teams: Oakland A's, Jefferson Davis Middle School Eagles
Positions: First base, Closer, P.E. coach
Value of card: $10 tab at Sha-BOOMs
Key 1991 stat: Three people thrown from Jet-Skis
Westbound & Down: HBO had a hit on its hands in 2009 with "Eastbound & Down." The six-episode comedy series following Kenny Powers, a once-great major league closer forced to return to his alma-mater middle school to coach P.E. after being shamed into leaving the game he loved. Fans of the show number in thousands, but few know creator and star Danny McBride patterned his character after an early 1990s Mark McGwire. The greasy mullet, the creepy facial hair, the cutoff sleeves and the unmeasurable ego all were McGwire's before they were Powers'. McBride even integrated a few circa 1991 McGwire quotes into his scripts: "I'm a bulletproof tiger"; "Fundamentals are the crutch of the talentless"; "Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the bat (ball); I'm the man who can swing (throw) it faster than (expletive). So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my (expletive) and suck my (expletive), everyone."



Derek Jeter, 1992 Score Select

Name: Derek Jeter
Teams: New York Yankees, "The Man Show"
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 8-point Nielson rating drop
Key 1991 stat: 9.5 feet in air
The objectification of Derek Jeter: Comedy Central had a fledgling hit. "The Man Show" starring Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla was in its infancy, but viewers were tuning in. One of the main draws was a feature shown during the show's credits, "Girls on Trampolines." The running skit was what one would assume: attractive, scantily-clad women jumping and jiggling on a trampoline. The feedback from men ages 18 to 35 sprung up like, well, you know. But, as could be expected, female viewers were turned off. The Comedy Central brass brainstormed ideas and came up with what they thought was a solution to the skewed ratings. Hunky male athletes would be brought in to lure the ladies from trampolines once a month. The plan backfired. "Guys on Trampolines" proved a disaster, with a skin-and-bones Jeter, a buck-toothed Tom Henke and a mustached Rod Woodson ending the first skit, and nearly ending the show. "The Man Show" audience did let Comedy Central executives know they were appreciative that Jeter wore his uniform, instead of the jockstrap-and-headband combination that had been planned.