John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: John Franco

Team: New York Mets

Position: Closer

Value of card: Six months of finger elephantiasis treatment

Key 1992 stat: 11 inches of mustache

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that on John Franco's face?

(A) A mirror image of his massive eyebrows

(B) The Tropic of Capricorn

(C) The embodiment of his infatuation with Tom Selleck

(D) The hide of his beloved ferret, Mr. Squiggles

(E) The Franco-Plush'en War

(F) All of the above

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Tom Selleck, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Tom Selleck
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: First base, private investigator
Value of card: One tin of mustache wax
Key 1991 stat: One mediocre baseball movie
No platoon necessary: After missing the postseason for yet another season, the New York Yankees were ready for a shake-up. While general manager Gene Michael made a blockbuster trade sending Don Mattingly to the White Sox for Frank Thomas, owner George Steinbrenner clandestinely signed actor Tom Selleck to a one-year contract after seeing Selleck's latest movie, "Mr. Baseball." His employees tried their hardest to inform Steinbrenner that Selleck had never actually played professional baseball, but The Boss stuck to his guns. "With a mustache like that," Steinbrenner was heard to say, "this guy can't miss." Selleck proceeded to bat .112 over his first 20 games while Thomas sat stoically on the bench. Michael realized what he needed to do. Thomas and Mattingly were quietly moved back to their original teams, Mattingly was forced to wear a Hawaiian shirt, a la "Magnum, P.I.," and Michael abducted Selleck by offering him a ride to the set of the latest "Three Men and a Baby" sequel — only to lock him in an empty shipping container in Long Island. Steinbrenner never caught on.

Tom Selleck, 1992 Upper Deck

Alan Trammell, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One punch to the neck
Key 1992 stat: 113 kung fu movies starred in
Back off, buddy: You don't want to mess with Alan Trammell. Oh, what's that, St. Louis Cardinals infielder Jose Oquendo? You think you're going to come in hard, trying to break up Mr. Trammell's double-play ball? I don't think so. POW! You just got judo chopped in the duodenum! Oh, what, now you're going to cry about it? Maybe you should have kept those cleats a little lower. Start any more static, and Alan will call in his boy Sweet-Lou Whitaker to hyphenate your ass. If they can intimidate Tom Selleck in an episode of "Magnum, P.I.," imagine what they can do to you. So do yourself a favor, smart guy, and just stay down.

Alan Trammell, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Lou Whitaker, 1989 Bowman

Name: Lou Whitaker, aka "Sweet-lou" Whitaker
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Nearly as much as GM stock
Key 1988 stat: One unnecessary hyphen
Sweet-lou's True Hollywood Story: Lou Whitaker has accomplished many feats that most of us never will. I, for one, will never turn a double play with Alan Trammell. I will never hit 244 Major League home runs. I will never autograph a baseball card by hyphenating my nickname and my real name. (Then again, Crazylegs-wes doesn't resonate like Sweet-lou). But to my biggest dismay, I will never out-act Tom Selleck on an episode of "Magnum, P.I." If you think you're ready, click here to watch the 1980s Detroit middle infield turn Thomas Magnum into a bumbling idiot. Well, even more of a bumbling idiot.

Lou Whitaker, 1989 Bowman