Showing posts with label Super Bowl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Super Bowl. Show all posts


Michael Cofer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Cofer
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One of those sweat socks — just one
Let's break down Michael Cofer's workout, by the numbers:

15: Spandex stretches
50: Imaginary weight lifts
45: Sweat sock roll-downs
100: Flat top combings
250: Flexes for the camera
10: Continuous hours of standing like a weirdo


Ken O'Brien, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 3)

Name: Ken O'Brien
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 pounds of monkey dung
Key 1990 stat: 10 balls
Green with envy: Ken O'Brien might look like a Ken doll, but he was so much more. He was drafted in the first round of the famed 1983 draft that produced such legendary quarterbacks as Dan Marino, Jim Kelly and John Elway. A Ken doll can't say that. He was elected to the College Football Hall of Fame after playing at agriculture powerhouse UC Davis. A Ken doll can't say that. He won the inaugural NFL Quarterback Challenge that measured the physical skills of some of football's best passers in ways that didn't matter in games. A Ken doll can't say that. And, as evidenced above, he had balls. A Ken doll definitely can't say that.


Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt


Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."


Percy Howard, 1990 NFL Pro Set (Football Friday No. 125)

Name: Percy Howard
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One really shiny penny
Key career stat: One catch
Making it count: Rookie Cowboys receiver Percy Howard didn't play football in college, but because he was such a tremendous athlete, Dallas took a chance on him anyway, making him their third receiver. Of course, the offense ran only two-receiver sets, so Howard never got the chance to play until a key injury late in Super Bowl X. As seen above, he caught a touchdown pass      the only reception of his college or pro career, as he was seriously injured the following preseason. You may think that's amazing, but here are some other one-time accomplishments Howard notched in his life.
  • Saw only one movie, but it was "Citizen Kane" at the Roman Colosseum
  • Went to Las Vegas only once, but won $7 million on the slots and got a free drink
  • Drove just one car, but it was the Batmobile
  • Had adult relations only one time, but it was with all of Charlie's Angels
  • Made the Bust only once, but it was on the day you visited the site. And you're our most special visitor ever!



Joe Montana, 1982 Topps (Super Bowl Week No. 7)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: $1.99 per minute
Key Super Bowl stat: 193 girls chatted with
Dial '0' for Joe: Sure, he's a Super Bowl legend now, but in the early 1980s, Joe Montana was just a kid trying to find his way in the NFL. After going a combined 2-6 in his first eight starts, Montana's confidence was nonexistent. His life changed one night in the summer of 1981 when, while spending another lonely evening in his San Francisco apartment, eating Cheetos and watching "Late Night With David Letterman," a commercial for a chat line called Livelinks came on the tube. Attractive women with denim bikinis and perms giggled their way across the screen, phones glued to their ears. "Call now to talk with sexy, single girls in your area," the ad beckoned. Montana called, all right. From his home, from hotel rooms, from phone booths and even from the field on game days. Coach Bill Walsh was at first dismayed — until his team started winning. A suddenly confident, macho Montana helped the Niners rack up a 13-3 record — and a $13,000 monthly phone bill.


Joe Theismann, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 6)

Name: Joe Theismann
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One compound fracture
Key Super Bowl stat: One strike-year Super Bowl ring
Scarred for life: After suffering one of the most gruesome injuries in football history when sacked by Lawrence Taylor in 1985, Joe Theismann was never quite the same. He refused to walk anywhere, instead insisting on being carried around in a poorly constructed director's chair. He would only wear white shoes AND white socks. He refused to wear pants that went down past his calves. Of course, the folks at Pro Line know how to have a good time. So it was that they had Taylor visit the studio in uniform and tackle Theismann's chair, breaking one of the legs clean in half. A frightened Theismann screamed like a girl for 10 minutes and turned his elastic pants into one big "sloppy Joe."



Art Shell, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 5)

Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Coach, offensive tackle, security
Value of card: $5 at the door
Key Super Bowl stat: Eight defenders "bounced"
Priceless work of Art: Two-time Raiders coach Art Shell, then an offensive tackle, won Super Bowls with the team after the 1976 and 1980 seasons, becoming a favorite of fans and team owner Al Davis. Shell retired after the 1982 season, and was considered a shoe-in to one day become a coach. Shell believed in being a Raider, and turned down opportunities from other teams to become an offensive line coach. Shell pleaded Davis for a job, but the fiery owner deferred to then-head coach Tom Flores, he of the Brillo Pad wave. Flores wouldn't make room for Shell on the team, saying he had become a shell of his old self. Davis felt bad, so he offered Shell the title of "Los Angeles Raiders head of security and bathroom cleanliness operations." Shell accepted the job, which came with a $16,000 salary, a Raiders hat, a Rolex knock-off and a starter jacket with "Security" written across the back. Davis fired him six weeks later, then rehired him three months after that, then promoted him to head coach, then fired him, then rehired him in the security role, then fired him again, then rehired him as head coach, then fired him. Shell now hangs in a prominent position at the Museum of Modern Art, wearing a shiny Raiders jacket.



Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Nothing. It's "whak"
Key Super Bowl stat: 16 whaks
L.T. doesn't stand for "little testosterone": Lawrence Taylor changed football more than any other defensive player in the history of the NFL. He crunched quarterbacks, scrunched offensive schemes and munched meatloaf sandwiches. He was a self-described adrenaline junkie who got as much pleasure from sacking a quarterback as jumping from an airplane or snorting a shoestring-size line of cocaine. He did so much cocaine, in fact, that it would emanate in vapor form from his head, hands, back, shoulders, thighs and feet, as can be seen in the above card. Fueled by charisma and cocaine, Taylor led the Giants to Super Bowl victories after the 1986 and 1990 seasons.
Fun fact: The background of the above card shows the reality Taylor experienced during early 1990s cocaine binges.



Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Name: Jerome Bettis
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 pounds of rock
Key Super Bowl stat: 413 head-butts
Butt ... why? The 1994 Los Angeles Rams were a team in chaos. Orange County was mired in a recession, making it hard for a mediocre team to entice fans to buy tickets. Amid much criticism and Southern California whining, owner Georgia Frontiere worked out a deal to move the team to St. Louis.
"But how do we get there?" Butt and ram: Frontiere had everything set for the move from the West Coast to the heart of Middle America, except for a way to get there. Protesters were blocking the team complex gates and moving companies refused to upset customers who were part of the fan base. Enter Jerome Bettis. The Notre Dame alumnus had thighs the size of Port-O-Potties and a penchant for running into things, such as Port-O-Potties. He also had horns, which made him even harder to tackle. Frontiere persuaded Bettis to lead the team from the complex across the nation and into St. Louis. He took on the challenge, first head-butting protesters, then vehicles on freeways, then buildings that were in the way, and then naturally occurring land masses. Whatever got in his way, he ran into head-first, leaving a path of pulverization in his wake. Bettis's horns and head-butts paved the way to St. Louis, thus paving the way to the Rams' 1999 Super Bowl victory and his own Super Bowl success with the Steelers.



Troy Aikman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Week No. 1)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 20 sweaty reps
Key Super Bowl stat: Wished to play the Buffalo Bills every year 1,305 times
Welcome to Super Bowl Week: In honor of the nation's most overhyped athletic contest, the Bust is spending the week mocking some of the greatest Super Bowl champions. You're welcome, America.
You're doing it wrong: Poor Troy Aikman. He never learned how to properly exercise. Sure, it was hilarious to watch him hit the weight room; he'd do handstands on the StairMaster, attempt leg presses with his teeth and run around with dumbbells tied to his ankles. Look how sweaty he is in this photo. Beads of perspiration are dripping from his red cheeks, his bangs and the tail of his pseudo-mullet. His shorts appear to have absorbed 13 gallons of what we hope is sweat. He looks like he's about to have a coronary. If only there were some sort of directions on how to use the chest-press machine!