Showing posts with label Glavine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Glavine. Show all posts


Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Boston Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: One ha'penny
Key 1924 stat: Frowned upon that new style of music called "jazz"
Tom Glavine's 1920s-era Internet dating profile (yes, we know it doesn't make any sense      have you been here before?):

Screen name: Thomas Michael "Tom" Glavine
Age: A hale 28
Height: 18 hands
Weight: 1.75 hundredweights
Hair color: Tawny
Hairstyle: Slicked back
Ethnicity: American
Religious views: Quaker
Marital status: My parents are still looking for a match
Want children? To pull the plow
Best feature: Stirrups
Smoke? Sure, the doctor says it's healthy
Drink? And how! Er, I mean, I'm no bootlegger!

Seeking: A classy dame
Location: The backseat of my Model T, er, that is, Boston!
Her body type: Corseted
Her ethnicity: Scandalous!

About me: I'm a simple farmer who plays ball during the dog days. I'm looking for a simple doll who isn't afraid to crank up the horseless carriage and hit the road for exotic locales like Cleveland and even St. Louis. I've caroused with my share of flappers, but I believe my speakeasy days are in the past. I'm ready to settle down with a loving bird and do the Lord's work. ... Oh, applesauce, why do I jest? I can't get enough of the hooch and the molls who come with it. Let's you and me get dolled up, get fried, and get some nookie.


Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Ace, left wing
Value of card: 2 pounds of Zamboni sludge
Key 1991 stat: 14 calls for icing
It's time for a one-man, two-sport edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Penchant to get involved in a "two-on-one" (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 2: Disgust at eating a moose and maple syrup sandwich (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sweet turtleneck that allows for mullet tucking (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 5: Footwear that makes him a bit taller around the ladies (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 6: Nose for the crease, so to speak (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 7: Longer stick (Winner: Hockey Glavine)

Score: Hockey Glavine 4, Baseball Glavine 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: It was a close Matchup when Canadian Hockey Glavine took on his clone, Atlanta Baseball Glavine, but, in the end, Hockey Glavine ended up with a powerplay while Baseball Glavine spent two minutes in the box for getting embarrassed.


Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, 1993 Upper Deck

Names (clockwise from left): Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One quasi-racist rallying cry
Key 1993 stat: A whole bunch of wins
It's an all-aces Matchup:

Round 1: Creepiness (Winner: Avery)
Round 2: Photoshopped into this card (Winner: Maddux)
Round 3: Facial hair (Winner: Smoltz, by default)
Round 4: Unnecessary sleeves (Winner: Smoltz)
Round 5: Not actually as good as it seemed (Winner: Avery)
Round 6: Laziness (Winner: Glavine)
Round 7: Knowing that chicks dig the long ball (Winner: Tie between Glavine and Maddux)
Round 8: Being a little too happy to touch Tom Glavine (Winner: Smoltz)

Final score: Smoltz 3, Avery 2, Glavine 1.5, Maddux 1.5

Synopsis: As in life, Steve Avery got off to a hot start only to have his run derailed by mediocrity. Instead, John Smoltz closes out the win late, multiple Cy Youngs be damned.


Tom Glavine, 1991 Studio

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: $14.95 GlamourShots gift certificate
Key 1990 stat: One mullet, many names
Business up front, party in the back: Tom Glavine liked his hockey cut so much in 1991, he decided to have it forever emblazoned on a baseball card. "Make sure you get my neck feathers in the shot," he told the photographer. "The kids love my Camaro cut." But Glavine's mud flap didn't impress everyone. "I always thought his Kentucky waterfall was a little childish," future teammate Greg Maddux told a reporter in 1989. Despite the critics, women swooned. "I want to feel your beaver paddle brush against my cheek in the throes of passion," a female fan screamed at a game in 1990. Interactions like that made Glavine grow conceited. In fact, the moment the above photo was taken Glavine yelled at the photographer, "Don't you dare stare at my Long Island ice tease."