Showing posts with label Eyebrows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eyebrows. Show all posts


Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Priceless for Mets fans
Key 1986 stat: 1 error; heard about it?
Here's what Bill Buckner stands for:

Boston, give the guy a break.
It's time we moved past 1986.
Leave him alone, for the love of god.
Let's remember him for more than just one play, folks.

Bro, it's getting old.
Under that cap is a sensitive soul in need of forgiveness.
Can't we see this player for the man he was?
Kind, gentle, compassionate, eyebrowed.
Never forget: The mustache makes the man.
Error aside, that chest hair is the real flub.
Ripping on his assortment of different kinds of hair, instead of the error, is doing the man a service.


Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Name: Colin Charland
Team: Palm Springs Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six ounces of those little charred bits you have to scrape off the barbecue
Key 1987 stat: Made his own hat
California Angels scouting report on prospect Colin Charland: "Needs to work on curve, changeup, growing eyebrows. ... If baseball doesn't work out, he can always go back to middle school. ...  Geez, we really need to pitch in for some new uniforms down in Palm Springs. ... Says his favorite food is pizza. Fitting, since that's what his face looks like, too. ... His fastball sits in the low 90s. He, himself, usually sits alone in the cafeteria at lunch. ... The sky's the limit for this kid      especially once he starts his second career as a flight attendant."

Card submitted by Zach Jones



Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Felipe Crespo
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a Mervyns $5 off coupon that expired in 1996
Key 1991 stat: 32 pinstripes (not the Yankees variety)
Today's fashion model: Here we have Felipe Crespo, who, it appears, has been thrown in fashion jail. Why was he thrown in fashion jail? Perhaps it's all those pinstripes, including the one that's plastered across his forehead in the form of eyebrows. Or maybe it's that belt, which he might have borrowed from Crocodile Dundee. Or maybe it's your grandpa's trousers that he's wearing. Nope, we got it: It's all of the above.


Felix Millan, 1970 Topps

Name: Felix Millan
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: 2B (or, second base)
Value of card: Free newspaper subscription for one month (Sundays through Fridays not included)
Key 1970 stat: One boring all-star card
Journamalism: Newspaper headline writers (yes, there are still a handful of them these days) are tasked with summarizing a full story into just a few words. It's a task that requires thought and time, and it usually takes a few attempts to find the perfect wording. Here are a few headline possibilities that were rejected before this poor imitation of The Sporting News settled on the super-informative "Felix Millan     2B":
  • Felix Millan     2 Eyebrows
  • Felix Millan     Not the Cat
  • Some Guy     2B
  • Felix Millan     Smiling?
  • Millan Defeats Truman



Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Kenneth Scott "Kenny" Rogers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Getting lost in those baby blue eyes
Key 1993 stat: Never once sang "The Gambler"
It's a Matchup, in name only: Let's see how Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers matches up with legendary country singer Kenny Rogers.

Round 1: Flowing mullet (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 2: Soft, magnificent beard (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 3: Chain of delicious, convenient chicken restaurants (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 4: Ladies seduced with just a look (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitched a perfect game (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 6: Sneaked a peak at Dolly Parton's monumental bosom (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 7: 2-to-1 eyebrow to eye size ratio (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 8: Gorgeous penmanship (Winner: Baseball Kenny)

Final score: Baseball Kenny Rogers 4, Singer Kenny Rogers 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Baseball Kenny was far from perfect early, but used a late crescendo to drown out the dulcet tones of his musical counterpart, whose cause was hurt by the fact that his tasty poultry eatery is now only open in Asia. Come back, Kenny!



Ray May, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 155)

Name: Ray May
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: It looks a lot like the second letter in "Colts"
Key 1971 stat: 13 collared shirts turned into game jerseys
Introducing ... The Ray-May May-Day®: Style, not everyone has it. But from some men, it emanates. One of those men is Ray May, whose rhyming name is only the 12th most awesome thing about him. May took inspiration from other fashion mavens, whose hairdos included The Soaring Mushroom®, The Great Scott® and The SaberMullet®. But May struck out on his own, eschewing the day's trends for his own creation, The Ray-May May-Day®, an afro of perfect roundness juxtaposed by sideburns so sharp they've cut the hands of a thousand ladies who've tried to run their fingers through their conception of heaven. So hats off to Ray May, because the Ray-May May-Day® would never have a hat over it.


Wally Moon, 1960 Topps

Name: Wally Moon
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six pieces of green cheese
Key 1959 stat: Zero people on the planet — or its only naturally orbiting satellite — with the same name
10 things just discovered on the Moon:
10) Pine-tar deodorant
9) Piercing blue eyes that once stared a hole through a steel beam
8) An Adam's apple so big it has a face
7) Acne craters
6) An expression of displeasure
5) A hat that was sat on by a horse for 18 hours
4) Jagged features that broke razors in half
3) A baggy jersey and pants that would make an early 1990s Compton gangster blush
2) Dengue fever
1) The most legendary unibrow in baseball history


Ted Kluszewski, 1957 Topps

Name: Ted Kluszewski
Team: Cincinnati Redlegs
Position: First base
Value of card: (Kluszewski flexes, then says, "How 'bout this?")
Key 1956 stat: (Kluszewski chops wood, then turns, stares at you, and spits.)
Feast your eyes on a man: Bow down, you pathetic coward. For you are staring at Ted Kluszewski, the manliest of men to ever put on a uniform and tear it to shreds as he flexed. This is the essence of man, the personification of all your fears and self-loathing — and desires. His chin once made Kurt Douglas' chin cry during a chin fight. His forearms were used as models for a sailor named Popeye. His eyebrows' daily sheddings formed herds of Sasquatches. You think those arms are big? You're right, sissy; that bat weighs 78 pounds. His sleeves? They were rightfully frightened and never showed up to the photo session. That last name? It worked as a loan shark's muscle when Kluszewski slept. Bottom line: This guy is such a man, the owners of the Cincinnati Redlegs took one look at Kluszewski's arms and decided the team's name no longer worked.


Marc Valdes, 1994 Score Draft Picks

Name: Marc Valdes
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 4 ounces of eyebrow trimmings
Key 1993 stat: Pitched in tennis shoes
Top 10 nicknames for Marc Valdes' eyebrows:
10) The Wonder Twins
9) George and Barbara Bush
8) Heavy D and Heavier D
7) The Place You Should Check When You Lose Your Keys
6) The Rodents of Unusual Size
5) Vidal and Sassoon
4) The Face Umbrellas
3) The Headge
2) Eye Beards
1) Valdes' Marks


Astros Leaders, 1988 Topps

Names: Kevin Bass, at left, and Billy Hatcher
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Outfielders
Value of card: 50 cents off a new printing press for Topps
Key 1987 stat: Led the way to mediocrity
Are you ready to rumble? Too bad, we're doing a Matchup anyway.

Round 1: Fishy name (Winner: Bass)
Round 2: Fishier eyebrows (Winner: Bass)
Round 3: 3-inch-thick mustache (Winner: Bass)
Round 4: Hit .300 at some point in his career (Winner: Bass)
Round 5: Hit on more ladies at Houston-area tavern The Rusty Rocket (Winner: Bass)
Round 6: Happier to be touching his teammate's shoulder (Winner: Bass)
Round 7: Looks like a normal human being (Winner: Hatcher)

Final score: Bass 6, Hatcher 1

Synopsis: The 1987 Houston Astros finished 10 games under .500, but Kevin Bass still manages to walk away a winner in this Matchup. Hatcher swipes a late category to avoid the sweep, but in the end Bass's victory was even more dominant than his lip-warmer.


Tom Nieto, 1987 Topps

Name: Tom Nieto
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 22 hairs plucked from eyebrows
Key 1986 stat: 42,000 yards of fake wood grain produced by Topps
So, what does Tom Nieto stand for?

Top "catcher face" in the National League, 1986
Only wore a bathrobe on the baseball field
Manager could always count on him for doughnut runs

Nose had been broken a couple of times by foul tips
Inside those eyes you could find love
Eyebrows were furrier than a couple of chinchillas
Took squatting to a whole new level
Obviously sat on his hat for a few hours a day


Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: On the Cuban black market, still nothing
Key 1989 stat: Magic Marker eyebrows
Fun facts about suspended Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen and the hideous sculpture in his team's stadium:
  • The Marlins' sculpture offends people with its loud music and bright colors. Ozzie offends people with his loud mouth and not-so-bright comments.
  • The Marlins' sculpture does crazy things during the team's home games. Ozzie says crazy things whenever he pleases.
  • The Marlins' sculpture does its job when the team hits a home run. Ozzie's going to lose his job if the team doesn't start hitting more home runs.
  • Ozzie Guillen offered praise for an oppressive dictator. The Marlins' sculpture could be considered a torture device.
  • Ozzie Guillen apologized for his comments about Fidel Castro. Castro and the rest of the world are owed an apology for that outfield monstrosity.



Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis, 2000 Topps Draft Picks

Names: Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Fresh pine scent
Key 1999 stats: Zero future in the bigs
Two rookies, one Matchup:

Round 1: Funnier last name (Winner: Tie; both are pretty funny)
Round 2: Pine tree in background (Winner: Purvis)
Round 3: Thick, luxurious eyebrows (Winner: Purvis)
Round 4: Eventually won more than three games in a season (Winner: Purvis)
Round 5: Bewildered expression on face (Winner: Stumm)
Round 6: Bigger bro (Winner: Purvis)
Round 7: Baby-soft skin (Winner: Purvis)
Round 8: Cooler White Sox uniform (Winner: Stumm)

Final score: Purvis 5, Stumm 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: There's a reason Rob Purvis gets top billing on this card, and it's not because his last name sounds vaguely like "pervert." No, Purvis is leaps and bounds ahead of Jason Stumm, both in terms of pitching talent and eyebrow density.


Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: It's not worth the mesh it's printed on
Key 1987 stat: Zero people in stadium at time this photo was taken
Let's take a look at this Will Clark card, by the numbers:

2,500: Copies of this card originally printed in Reggie Fleckman's garage in 1988
1,250: Copies thrown in garbage by card shop owners upon arrival to stores
650: Copies that contained printing errors, such as the white specks and arm hair above
225: Copies that disintegrated when exposed to the sun in 1990
130: Copies that wound up in MLB lawyers' hands for evidence in copyright infringement cases
75: Copies hoarded by Jimmy Hulme, 12, before the ink gave him cancer and he threw them away
20: Copies found in Soviet Russia in 1991; they were later used to heat a stove for Vladimir's gruel
10: Copies in circulation in 2010, before The Bust acquired them all
1: Copies left in the world after the schmoes behind The Bust ripped up nine of them
0: Monetary value of the last copy of this card in the world — even in Soviet Russia


Orlando Miller, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Orlando Miller
Team: Jackson Generals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: $1 off at M&M lumber, where the lumber melts in your mouth, not in your hand
Key 1990 stat: One piece of lumber melted in mouth
Opponent's scouting report on Orlando Miller, circa spring 1991: "Has almost as much range as his left eyebrow. ... Refuses to wear team's hat, instead opting for the one he got at space camp. ... Knows all the words to Billy Joel's "Piano Man," and sings it to any runner at second base. ... Posed like a pitcher when those baseball card clowns came around, and honestly looked more natural than he does at short. ... Has the sleeves of a champion. ... He's very good at Chutes and Ladders. I lost $70. ... He's just not that good in the hole. And he's only an average shortstop."