Showing posts with label Speedster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Speedster. Show all posts


Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert


Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.


Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: No clue; it's stolen
Key 1988 stat: 498 firecrackers lit
Here's what Vince Coleman stands for:

In a jiffy he ran; in a jiffy he got forced off teams
Never paid attention to coaches' signs; paid attention to women's signs
Caught stealing? Sure, but not on the field
Energy to steal bases only eclipsed by energy to comb mustache

Catchers had a hard time throwing him out; his parents, not so much
Outfielder with dentures, a wraparound 'stache and a penchant for playing "Rush"
Lots of random shapes behind this speedster, yet no diamond on a Diamond King
Ear flaps on both sides of the helmet? Apparently he's a Little Leaguer
Man of Steal? Sorry, nickname's taken
Accelerated with ease on field; accelerated too fast with the ladies
NASA could have used his speed, circa 1985


Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Half-naked outfielder
Value of card: $1.99/minute (must be 18 or older)
Key 1991 stat: Zero hits from a sitting position
We'll be giving you nightmares all week: The Score Dream Team sets of the early 1990s contained some of the most awkward, misdirected and erotic shots ever featured on cardboard. Sounds like a perfect fit for The Bust. Let's get started, shall we?
It worked so well the first time: We could point out that there's a good chance this boudoir shot of Rickey be Rickey was taken from the previous year's photo shoot. Or, we could analyze the dream presented here. Let's see, the stacked bases likely represent the mounting responsibilities you find yourself facing. Rickey's flat top means that you believe you will need to keep a level head to deal with these tasks. The Louisville Slugger signifies, erm, your desire to go to Louisville? Yeah, that's it. And Rickey's near-nudity? I don't know, but maybe you should stop watching so much Cinemax right before bed, buddy.


Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Name: Buster Rhymes
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Positions: Wide receiver, kick returner
Value of card: Rhymes with "lack spit"
Key 1986 stat: Can't spell "Buster" without "Bust"
Top R&B hits by part-time pro athlete Buster Rhymes:
  • "Woo Hah!! Got Me on the Bench"
  • "Pass the Gatorade (Part II)"
  • "Turn it Over / Fire it Up"
  • "(The Ball, I Never) Touch It"
  • "What's it Gonna Be?! (An Incompletion)"



Harold Reynolds, 1989 Topps

Name: Harold Reynolds
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Second base
Value of card: Rusty chain-link fencing
Key 1988 stat: Could flip those shades like no one's business
Video dating service profile for Harold Reynolds, circa 1989:

Age: 28
Height: 5' 11 7/8"
Weight: 165
Hair: Party in the back
Ethnicity: Black
Relationship status: Open, if you know what I mean
Want children? Only if I open a sweatshop
Best feature: Smoothest mustache this side of Mount Rainier
Religious views: God wants this mustache
Smoke? Well, Vancouver's right next door, after all ...
Drink? Only after losses. So, a lot.

Seeking: Someone to hug without it becoming a misunderstanding
Her body type: Well endowed
Her ethnicity: Human
Location: Some place where it doesn't rain as much

Reynolds' video introduction transcript: "Hi ladies, you may recognize me as the second baseman for your Seattle Mariners      then again, you may not, considering I'm usually a blur racing around the diamond. Ha, no, I'm just playing, I know you know who I am. I'm the king of the Kingdome, baby! (Reynolds puts on flip sunglasses with lenses down) Now, let's talk about you and me. I need a special lady who can keep me dry here in Seattle      but not too dry. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) I need someone who isn't afraid to move up 90 feet when the pitch gets a little wild. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) And I need a woman who's down to play both ends of a double-header. (raises flip lenses and winks, then lowers lenses again) If this sounds like you, give me a call. Starting in early October, I'll be free to lavish all my attention      and my mustache      on you, girl. Yeah!"


Astros Leaders, 1988 Topps

Names: Kevin Bass, at left, and Billy Hatcher
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Outfielders
Value of card: 50 cents off a new printing press for Topps
Key 1987 stat: Led the way to mediocrity
Are you ready to rumble? Too bad, we're doing a Matchup anyway.

Round 1: Fishy name (Winner: Bass)
Round 2: Fishier eyebrows (Winner: Bass)
Round 3: 3-inch-thick mustache (Winner: Bass)
Round 4: Hit .300 at some point in his career (Winner: Bass)
Round 5: Hit on more ladies at Houston-area tavern The Rusty Rocket (Winner: Bass)
Round 6: Happier to be touching his teammate's shoulder (Winner: Bass)
Round 7: Looks like a normal human being (Winner: Hatcher)

Final score: Bass 6, Hatcher 1

Synopsis: The 1987 Houston Astros finished 10 games under .500, but Kevin Bass still manages to walk away a winner in this Matchup. Hatcher swipes a late category to avoid the sweep, but in the end Bass's victory was even more dominant than his lip-warmer.


John Naber, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 7)

Name: John Naber
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 4 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: It's not clear
Key 1976 stat: Photographers unable to take horizontal photos
They call him The Streak: John Naber won four gold medals at the 1976 Summer Games, all in world record times. But just how fast was he?
  • John Naber was so fast, cameras were unable to capture him in focus.
  • He was so fast, even his sideburns couldn't keep up with him.
  • He was so fast, this card could only show him from the waist up because his suit was falling off.
  • He was so fast, he couldn't keep his mouth closed.
  • He was so fast, he didn't have time to spell "neighbor" properly.
  • John Naber was so dang fast, he could swim the English Channel, the Panama Canal and the Mississippi River in the time it takes you to wash your hands. You do wash your hands, don't you? Heathen.



Tim "Rock" Raines, 1990 Bowman

Name: Rock Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 1 "toonie" (in Canadian commonspeak, a $2 coin, probably with a duck on it)
Key 1989 stat: 14 words of French spoken
It's time for a north-of-the-border pop quiz:

How did Tim Raines get the nickname "Rock," as enshrined on his obnoxious necklace?

(A) Actually, he bought the necklace first and the nickname followed.
(B) Cocaine is a helluva drug.
(C) He spent his off seasons playing bass for underground Montreal heavy-metal band Les Mustachios.
(D) He conceived a Hollywood script about the existential rebirth of a grisly convict whose seminal yet concealed accomplishment of breaking out of Alcatraz in the waters of San Francisco Bay would only be eclipsed by his success, with the help of Nicolas Cage (played seemingly without effort by Nicolas Cage), in a mission to save the world from nuclear warfare brought on by a renegade general and his team of mercenaries who have overtaken a national park in the waters of San Francisco Bay in their quest to obtain a $100 million ransom in the names of fallen comrades who died in covert operations throughout the world.
(E) All of the above.


Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!


Steve Sax, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Sax
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Second base
Value of card: Old man smell
Key 1991 stat: A lot of patience
Steve Sax's train of thought from 5:10 to 5:12 p.m., June 22, 1991: "Wow, he just doesn't shut up, does he? ... Whose idea was it to let Mattingly invite his grandpa to watch the game from the dugout, anyway? ... Oh, God, I don't want to hear about the prostitutes you found in Seoul during the Korean War. That's just gross. ... Really? You're talking about how great Studebakers were? Somebody shoot me. ... Whew, I'm on deck. Hey, come on, let me past. No, I don't want to hear about how you met your second wife at your first wife's funeral. That's creepy. Come on! Should I just push him out of the way? Oh, shocking, Pat Kelly just popped out. But now I'm up — that's it, I'm pushing past. Look out — oh crap, he fell. I think he broke a hip. Well, this could be worse. I could be playing for the Indians."


Deion Sanders, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Atlanta Falcons
Positions: Outfield, cornerback, hip-hop star
Value of card: One gold-plated money sign necklace
Key 1991 stat: 12 interceptions (of pitch-outs)
Deion Sanders, By the Numbers:

186: Career stolen bases
187: Pager code sent to fellow two-sport star Bo Jackson
188: Pieces of gold worn in one month's time
112: Weight of Deion's ego, in metric tons
17: Times Deion referred to himself in the third person in one sentence, June 16, 1991
4: Deions on this card
4: Deion mirror reflections that Deion used to style Deion's hair
2: Atlanta sports teams on which Deion played
2: Legitimate solo tackles Deion made in 1992
1: More Deion on this card than on this card
0: No. 1 hip-hop hits, despite his efforts


Willie McGee, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An orange
Key 1992 stat: One merciful angle
Actual conversation between Upper Deck photographer and photo editor, March 3, 1993:

Editor: "All right, here's the deal. We're tired of having photos of Willie McGee's ugly face on our cards. It upsets the children. What have you got that doesn't make me wish he was wearing a mask?"
Photog: "Hmmmm. No, not that. No. Good God. Ugh. ... (Shuffles through photos for 10 minutes.) Huh, well, there's this one. You can't really see his face, but it looks like he's about to fall over, his hands appear to be mutant claws and it looks like he's got boobs."
Editor: "Perfect! Even better, his bulge is creating its own shadow. Excellent work!"


Mel Gray, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 90)

Name: Mel Gray
Team: Detroit Lions (trust us)
Position: Kick returner
Value of card: One commemorative T-shirt
Key 1991 stat: Too fast for his own good
Mel Gray's dating profile, circa 1991:

Name: ProBowler1
Age: Old enough to know better, still too young to care
Height: Like my socks, pretty tall
Weight: 170 pounds — when I'm clothed
Hair color: A black blur
Hairstyle: I run like it's on fire
Ethnicity: All-world
Religious views: If you're punting to me, you better pray
Want children: Only in the stands
Marital status: I get around
Best feature: Pro Bowl T-shirt
Smoke? Only the kick coverage team
Drink? I did when I was in Hawaii

Seeking: Any lady who likes going to Hawaii once a year
Her body type: Legs like mine would be nice
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Hello ladies, my name's Mel Gray, but make no mistake, I see things in black and white. You may already know me — I was the starting kick returner at a little thing called the Pro Bowl. In case you missed it, just check out my shirt. It says it all. I bet you wish you could untuck it, don't you? What's that, ladies? Why yes, these shorts do go all the way up. My legs mean business; wouldn't you like to make them your business? I'm speedy as all get out, but I'm not so fast when the lights come down, if you know what I mean. I mean in the bedroom. You know, it? Yeah, that's right. You know what I'm talking about. It. Hit me up, and maybe I'll even let you see what's under the socks. Mmmmm.


Tim Raines, 1984 Fleer

Name: Tim "Rock" Raines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 grams of "rock"
Key 1983 stat: 7 inches of mustache
Fun Facts about Canada's cultural capital, Montreal, and Tim Raines:
  • Montreal's official language is French. Raines once ordered a dish a la carte, then slapped himself for using a French term.
  • Montreal is home to the NHL's Canadiens. Raines would never invite a Canadian into his home.
  • Montreal, perhaps surprisingly, is known for its jazz. Raines, probably unsurprisingly, was nicknamed "Rock" and hated jazz.
  • Montreal became a haven for Americans seeking alcohol during Prohibition. Raines considered his stomach and liver to be havens for alcohol.
  • Montreal, as a Canadian city, is second only to Toronto. Raines, as a 1980s base-stealer, is second only to Bust legend Rickey Henderson.
  • Montreal is a city with a lot of panache. Raines is a player with a lot of mustache.



Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland Athletics
Position: Outfield, outfield, outfield
Value of card: Three. That's it, just three.
Key 1990 stat: Real fast
Here's a good one:

Q: How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Rickey doesn't think you should care, because when Rickey's done with it, it's gonna be the greatest light bulb of all time.


Tim Brown, 1991 Fleer (Football Friday No. 84)

Name: Tim Brown
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Used charcoal
Key 1991 stat: 75,201 yawns
Catch this pop quiz:

What's the deal here?

A) Hey, nothing goes together better than green and gray.
B) This photo was taken in the middle of a fog bank.
C) The background is meant to be symbolic of the always-excitable Art Shell.
D) Congratulations, you've now seen the world's most boring football card.
E) All of the above.


Willie McGee, 1984 Donruss

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fall from the ugly tree
Key 1983 stat: Yet to reach full ugliness
Good lord, man: Everyone knows how Willie McGee stole so many bases: He was so ugly, his face slowed down time. But how ugly was he, really?
  • Willie McGee was so ugly, when he tried to join an ugly contest, they told him, "Sorry, no professionals."
  • He was so ugly, his teammates used his face for batting practice.
  • He was so ugly, MLB made him wear a catcher's mask in center field.
  • He was so ugly, his wife came to work with him so she didn't have to kiss him goodbye.
  • He was so ugly, his face was scored as an error.
  • He was so ugly, that when he sat in sand, cats tried to bury him.
  • Willie McGee was so ugly, he got suspended for looking at the umpire.



Raghib Ismail, 1991 All World CFL (Football Friday No. 61)

Name: Raghib Ismail
Team: Toronto Argonauts
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Less than a loonie
Key 1990 stat: Screw the NFL
Run for the border: Yes, Raghib Ismail played in the Canadian Football League. Yes, there is a Canadian Football League. Yes, half of the teams are named the Roughriders. Here's the thing: There are only eight teams in the CFL! Eight! Didn't the NHL add eight more teams just last year? It's time for some CFL expansion, dammit. Here are 10 teams we'd like to see added to the Canadian Football League:

10) Whitehorse Snowflakes
9) Northwest Territories Gangrene
8) Victoria Victors
7) Iqaluit Random Letters
6) Yellowknife Socialists
5) Vancouver Grizzlies (because it worked so well the first time)
4) St. John's Sissies
3) Medicine Hat Naughty Nurses
2) Red Deer Medicine Hats
1) Halifax Machines


Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The dirt off his crotch
Key 1993 stat: Three fades a day
10 things Rickey Be Rickey did after this photo was taken, in order:
10) Tipped his cap to himself, in the third person, for literally stealing a base
9) Wiped the dirt off his uniform, focusing for 14 minutes below his belt and above his knees
8) Had the bat boy clean up his fade, which was out of place after sliding into second base
7) Proceeded to locker room, where he slipped base into a duffel bag
6) Got down into a base-stealing crouch and hustled to the shower
5) Slid head-first into his off-the-field clothes
4) Stole a teammate's necklace; stole another teammate's credit card; stole another teammate's wallet
3) Got a sign from the third-base coach and ran home
2) Spoke to himself between two bathroom mirrors, thereby inventing the fourth-person singular pronoun
1) Stole a few winks of sleep