Showing posts with label Sweets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sweets. Show all posts


Buck Martinez, 2001 Oh Henry! Team Set

Name: Buck Martinez
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Manager
Value of card: Whatever Buck finds in his pants
Key 2000 stat: Not once did he say "eh"
10 more candy terms, this time for Buck Martinez:
10) Reese's Big Cup (so that there's room for ol' Hands-in-Pants Martinez)
9) Whatchamacallit (what Buck called the shortstop position)
8) Milk Duds (a lot of his games were duds, that's for sure)
7) Mike & Ike (two guys who would have been better managers)
6) Kisses (not when you've got your hands in your crotch, buddy)
5) Airheads (sums up his coaching style)
4) Snickers (sure, we used it last time, but look at this photo!)
3) Payday (Buck stopped getting them after 1½ seasons)
2) Skor (Jays didn't do much of this under Buck)
1) Nutrageous (guess why)

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Name: Candy Maldonado
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield, Pinch Hitter of the Year
Value of card: Four pieces of construction paper (used above)
Key 1986 stat: One award that's really a backhanded compliment
10 candy descriptions for Candy Maldonado:
10) Good & Plenty (of strikeouts)
9) Mounds (of cellulite)
8) Fun Dip (causes mouth cancer)
7) Baby Ruth (as in: much, much worse than Babe Ruth)
6) 100 Grand (salary is far too generous)
5) Big Hunk (look elsewhere)
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (in his jockstrap)
3) Junior Mints (in his jockstrap)
2) Charleston Chew (spit)
1) Snickers (when he showers)


Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Name: Dennis Smith
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Boom-boom
Key 1991 stat: One random lower-case 'r' in CrUNCH CREW
Just call him JaMarcus: Dennis Smith hit people hard. He was a physical specimen at the linebacker position, and was an easy selection for a spot on the CrUNCH CREW. Thus began the end of his career. You see, teammate Sammy Winder presented Smith with a Nestle Crunch bar in honor of the accomplishment. Smith had never tasted the crispy, chocolaty treat before. But once he tore off the confection's foil wrapper and sank his teeth into the goodness underneath, something in him changed. He was insatiable. He sat at home for weeks at a time, cases of Crunch bars surrounding him, little balls of foil littering the floor, his hands slathered in melted chocolate and little bits of puffed rice. In 1992, by the time training camp rolled around, Smith could also roll around. He weighed 461 pounds, and never put on a helmet again.



Dustin Hermanson, 2000 Fleer Ultra

Name: Dustin Hermanson
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Eight suckers
Key 1999 stat: 24,619 sugar highs
How sweet it is: Dustin Hermanson was an addict. Not to narcotics or steroids, and he wasn't an alcoholic. No, Dustin Hermanson was addicted to sugar. Before taking the mound early in his career as a starter, he would choke down seven Almond Joys, four Tootsie Pops, a 12-pack of Mountain Dew and as many Pixie Stix as he could fit in his mouth. Hermanson would flirt with triple digits on the radar gun, but by the end of the fourth inning, a sugar crash would start to set in. Batters would begin reaching base, and before long, Hermanson would lay down on the infield grass with a gut ache, holding his stomach and occasionally dozing off. Eventually, Hermanson was named his team's closer, as well as Delta Dental's customer of the month.

Greaseball alert: The neatly trimmed hair on and around his face. The unnecessarily heavy jewelry. The veiny arms. If this card had a title, it would be "Jersey Shore Goes Trick-or-Treating."



Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 BaseBall Caramels

Name: Young Archibald Griffey the Kid
Team: Seattle Palestockings
Position: Second fielder
Value of card: Three shillings from the Old Country, good sir
Key 1989 stat: 'Twasn't statistics that were kept in a gentleman's game, 'twas feelings of good cheer
Griffey, circa 1886: In 2009, Ken Griffey Jr. returned to the Seattle Mariners for what could be his last season. This affords an opportunity to look back at "The Kid's" first year as a professional, 1886. Griffey was known as Young Archibald Griffey the Kid before changing his name to "Ken" before the start of the 1891 season. In 1886, Griffey played for the Seattle Palestockings of the Louisiana Purchase League. He hit two home runs, which led the league. As part of Major League Baseball rules in the 19th century, he always had a sandwich in his pants. Young Griffey was known to feast on delightful liverwurst while playing second fielder, one of the era's most important positions. Young Griffey had exceptional seasons in 1886 and 1887, but he lost the Most Valuable Gentleman award both years to his father, Sir Ken of the Griffey Clan, who first won the award in 1779.



Nigel Wilson, 1994 Pinnacle Rookie Prospects

Name: Nigel Wilson
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One cupcake
Key 1993 stat: 247 times having the Heimlich maneuver performed on him
Short and sweet: Nigel Wilson's career may have been short-lived, but oh was it memorable. He hustled every play, no matter the situation. Weak grounder to first? He'd still fly down the line so fast that various parts of his uniform would come ripping off. He once ran so hard legging out a triple that by the time he got to third, he was wearing only a wifebeater and a jockstrap. But to keep up this boundless energy, Wilson — a sucker for sweets — was constantly snacking. He was known to jam a whole cupcake in his mouth before crucial at-bats. In the photo on this card, he had packed an entire Danish into his left cheek before knocking a hard single. The result is obvious: That helmet never stood a chance. But in the end, it was Wilson's sweet tooth that cut short his playing days. In a 1995 game against San Diego, Wilson was on his way to an infield double when the bearclaw he had stuffed in his maw got stuck in his throat. Nigel Wilson died that day doing what he loved: eating and hustling.