Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts


Scott Pose, 1992 SkyBox AA

Name: Scott Pose
Team: Chattanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A box full of nothing but sky (that is, air)
Key 1991 stat: Never convinced anybody of anything
Get your story straight: This Scott Pose card is as confusing as it is worthless. Here are just some of its contradictions:
  • The guy's name is Pose, but this is clearly a live-action shot of him crashing into the wall      right?
  • He plays for the Lookouts, but he clearly wasn't looking out for his own dignity when agreeing to this shot.
  • This photo was purportedly taken in Chattanooga, but, given the exposed wiring and crumbling masonry, that sure looks like the Oakland Coliseum to us.
  • The card says he's a "pre-rookie," but we all know that's not actually a thing.
Card submitted by Al Filipczak



Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Name: Donnell Thompson
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end, giant
Value of card: Helplessness
Key 1990 stat: Judging by this card, he was 8'4", 403 lbs.
It's a Football Friday Caption, which likely didn't run in the Indianapolis Star sometime in 1990: "Packers quarterback Blair Kiel futilely winds up to pass to a target he almost certainly cannot see shortly before having more than half of the bones in his body mercilessly crushed by Colts defender and oversize human Donnell Thompson on Sunday in Green Bay, Wisc."


Keith Comstock, 1989 ProCards

Name: Keith Comstock
Team: Las Vegas Stars
Positions: Pitcher, fetal (in about three seconds)
Value of card: A twig and two berries
Key 1988 stat: Glued a baseball to his crotch for a photo shoot
Here's a question for you: What was Keith Comstock saying when this photo was taken?

A) "ARRRRGGGHHH!! Right in the fungo!"
B) "OHHHHHHH!! My giblets!"
C) "OOOOFFFFF!! 'Protective' cup, my ass!"
D) "GUUUUUUUH!! Why did I even bring a glove if I'm not going to use it?"
E) "Las Vegas Stars, 1988 PCL champions, WOOOOO!!"


John Cerutti, 1990 Bowman

Name: John Cerutti
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 18 blue jay feathers plucked from a dead bird
Key 1989 stat: Zero games started after this photo was taken
John Cerutti's train of thought from 1:18 to 1:19 p.m. May 14, 1989: "OK, let's start my windup and here comes the pitch and ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My wrist! My wrist! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It snapped! It snapped like a twig! Oh, lord, the pain! The unrelenting pain! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! For the love of all that is holy! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


Mike Redmond, 2001 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Mike Redmond
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 2000 stat: Lots of grimacing
Don't get this wrong: What's Mike Redmond about to do?

A) Purchase a first-class ticket on the Pain Train
B) Get a 15-day paid vacation
C) Eat his own catcher's mask
D) Make a spectacular tag, avoid a collision and throw to second for the double play. (Note: This is how he will remember it during his morphine-rich hospital stay.)
E) All of the above


Bo Jackson, 1991 Pro Set NFL Newsreel (Football Friday No. 101)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Running back, emergency room
Value of card: Three screws extracted from hip
Key 1990 stat: Zero career-ending injuries
Key 1991 stat: One career-ending injury
Key 1992 stat: Zero games played
Ouch: We've shown you hundreds of cards that are so bad they can cause severe pain, but this is the first time a card on The Bust has shown a player suffering a career-ending injury. Sure, we've shown you injured players and a bisected Bo, but this is Bo getting his life bisected by a terrible injury. Imagine if Bo's kids in 1991 picked up a pack of Pro Set cards and saw Daddy's hip shattering? Brutal. What could have been worse? We have a few ideas:
  • The 1991 Topps card that showed Bo's wife cheating on him with a 375-pound lineman.
  • The 1992 Pro Set card that showed Bo sitting on his couch with his leg in a cast.
  • The 1991 Score card that showed Bo's golden retriever getting hit by a car.
  • A ridiculous 1991 card that compared Bo to a certain rascally TV character.
  • The 1992 Pro Line Portrait card that showed Bo's kids thumbing through a pack that contained all the above cards, including the one that pictured their dad's football career being cut short by a gruesome hip injury.



Lonnie Smith, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Lonnie Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Outfielder, maimer of Brian Harper
Value of card: Free massage — from that creepy guy at your office
Key 1991 stat: One count of assault during the World Series
It's a very painful Matchup, featuring Lonnie Smith and Twins catcher Brian Harper:

Round 1: Chaw swallowed on this play (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Teeth swallowed on this play (Winner: Harper)
Round 3: Judo neck chop (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Body shape most like a catcher's (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Pain (Winner: Harper. Or does that make him the loser?)
Round 6: "Gold" chain bought at gas station (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Ability to hold on to the ball despite getting creamed (Winner: Harper — Smith was out)

Final score: Smith 4, Harper 3

Synopsis: Lonnie Smith might not have scored the run or won the Series, but he takes home a belated victory, turning Brian Harper into Buster Posey in this Matchup.


Ed Newman, 1984 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 75)

Name: Ed Newman
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Guard
Value of card: A series of rumbling stomach cramps
Key 1984 stat: 170 treatments for irritable bowel syndrome
It's a painful pop quiz:

What's got Ed Newman doubled over, grimacing in agony?

A) The $4.99 Seafood Special burrito he forgot in his car but didn't want to waste.
B) Listening to Don Shula gush over Dan Marino for the 400th straight day.
C) Getting kicked in the "red zone" by Reggie Roby as punishment for giving up a sack.
D) A kidney stone the size of Mark Clayton's sunglasses.
E) Not sure, but it looks like he's about to make a splash into the Bust Cup.


Ron Darling, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Ron Darling
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Pitcher, all fours
Value of card: Humiliation
Key 1992 stat: One concussion
In the doghouse: Poor Ron Darling. He got on Tony LaRussa's bad side during an April start after giving up 10 runs and walking five batters in an inning. But, instead of just pulling his struggling starter, LaRussa decided to further humiliate him, moving Darling to first base and letting Mark McGwire pitch in the blowout. Darling, who hadn't played a defensive position since high school, had no idea what to do at the bag. Upset and flustered, the only thing Darling could think of was Bill Buckner's error in the 1986 World Series. Determined not to let that misfortune happen to him, Darling got down on all fours and prayed for a strikeout. Instead, McGwire's first pitch was laced for a one-hopper down the first-base line, striking Darling squarely in the forehead. In the dugout, LaRussa could be heard cackling.

The moral of this story: Tony LaRussa was one heartless son of a gun.


Don Beebe, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 62)

Name: Don Beebe
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Two BBs
Key 1989 stat: One bounce-back (see below)
It's time for another pop quiz:

What happened approximately two seconds after this photo was taken?

(A) Beebe landed on his knees and was ruled down.
(B) Beebe landed on his feet and ran out of bounds.
(C) Beebe and Browns safety Felix Wright fell to the ground in a heap.
(D) Beebe stripped off his uniform and ran around the field naked.
(E) Excruciating neck pain: click here.



Kevin Seitzer, 1996 Score

Name: Kevin Seitzer
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Third base, crumbled in pain
Value of card: Two "prairie oysters," blended, served over ice
Key 1995 stat: One debilitating hit by pitch
Kevin Seitzer's train of thought, 2:14 p.m. to 2:15 p.m. July 17, 1995: "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh. My. God. Owwwwww. I can't believe that bastard hit me. I can't believe I didn't wear a cup. Can't move. So ... much ... pain. My little buddies have liquefied. My goods are bad. The rocks, rickrolled. I need medication. The hurt tastes like grapefruit juice and organs. Ohhhhhh, the humanity! My privates are public. The nuts, cracked. I got an F on the testes. The huevos, rancheros. My gonads aren't going anywhere. The count? Two balls, one strike. Owwwwww."



Jeff Reed, 1992 Score

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two naps
Key 1991 stat: One gastric bypass surgery
Time for a pop quiz:

What happened to Jeff Reed?

A) That prankster Eric Davis put a bunch of thumb tacks inside his chest protector
B) He just got punched by the Three Joses
C) He's laughing at Chris Sabo's new glasses
D) Too much menudo
E) All of the above

Card contributed by Greg Schindler