Heath Shuler, 1994 Pacific Collection (Football Friday No. 96)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One Blockbuster Video rental card
Key 1994 stat: Zero good reviews
A compilation of movie critics' takes on Heath Shuler's rookie season: "Congress isn't the only thing hated in Washington these days. ... There was a lot of hype surrounding Heath Shuler when he came out, but now it's defenders that are surrounding him. ... What was promised to be a stunning show of grace and athleticism has turned into a sorry display filled with disappointment, disinterest and disaster. ... This player, once thought of as an award-season pick, has fumbled those chances away, along with the ball. ... Two thumbs up? More like two middle fingers. ... Do yourself a favor: Buy a Heath bar at the concession stand and avoid the show."


Frank Thomas, 1992, um, Power Surge?

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 2 ounces of burnt hair
Key 1991 stat: One lightning strike
Transcript from Chicagoland TV commercial for Power Surge® energy drink, circa 1991: "You ever feel so tired you want to curl up on the field of life? Well I have. I'm Frank Thomas, all-star first baseman for the Chicago White Sox. I'm here to tell you about Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas), the state-of-the-art, first-of-its-kind, game-changing, life-changing, world-changing energy drink that electrifies (lightning strikes behind Thomas) your on-field performance with a dose of liquid lightning (lightning strikes behind Thomas). Oh, yeah! When you're dragging and need a jolt, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). When you're down in the dumps and need to energize your life, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). When you're bored and need to shock the world, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). I'm Frank Thomas, and I'm here to tell you to electrify your performance with a Power Surge® (lightning strikes Thomas on the left forearm, above, and he writhes in pain). Ahhhh! Ahhhh! It burns! It burns! Make it stop! Help! Help! Ahhhh! No more Power Surge®!"


Ozzie Guillen, 1987 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Two ounces of crazy
Key 1986 stat: Zero big league teams in Florida
Ozzie being Ozzie: With America's favorite manager on his way to Miami, we at the Bust thought it a good time to reprint a few classic quotes from Ozzie Guillen.
  • "In the '80s and '90s, people made a lot of money and built houses. The first thing they put in their houses was a gym. In my house, the first thing I built was a bar. The second thing I built was another bar."
  • "What attracted me to my wife is she's hot. She's also nice, she's a great mom — but that comes after she's hot."
  • On Wrigley Field:  "I puke every time I go there."
  • "I'm the Charlie Sheen of baseball, minus the drugs and the prostitutes."
  • "I'm not a quitter. When I want to quit, I'll do a lot of stupid things and make sure they fire me and get paid."
  • "I hope I die on the field. I hope when I walk to change the pitcher, I drop dead and that’s it. I know my family would be so happy that it happened on the field. They wouldn’t feel bad because that’s what I’ve always wanted to do."



Matt Riley, 2001 Bowman

Name: Matt Riley
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One fake Matt Riley autograph (or, for that matter, one real Matt Riley autograph)
Key 2000 stat: 232 fewer strikeouts than in Little League in 1994
It's true, we tells ya: We could spend a few hundred words wasting your time writing about how this ridiculous card features an Aryan cyborg sent from the year 2137 with eyes that shoot blue lasers and a chin that's so sharp it can cut through diamonds, but, instead, we'll tell you a true story about Mr. Riley. When he was 15, he was on a varsity high school baseball team in the Bay Area but still played on a Little League team when schedules didn't conflict. Needless to say, he was the best pitcher in the Little League senior major division, and probably the best hitter, too. He threw about 92 mph, which at 14, the age of most of the league's players, looked like 192. One of the monkeys here at The Bust played in that league. Here's a play-by-play of the first at-bat against Riley:

Pitch 1: 10,000-mph fastball down the middle for a strike; swing physically impossible; fear courses through body.
Pitch 2: Curve ball heads straight for helmet's ear hole, forcing a dive to the ground, before ball bends over the heart of the plate for a called strike.
Pitch 3: 14,000-mph fastball that somehow moves much like a "Dusty Diamond All-Star Softball" pitch from a witch, for a swinging strike three, though the swing barely crosses the plate and looks as if it were powered by two pieces of cooked spaghetti.

And here's a play-by-play of the second at-bat against Riley:

Pitch 1: 17,500-mph fastball becomes a heat-seeking missile, zeroes in on rib cage, knocks wind out of scared middle-schooler, puncturing the flesh, but not nearly as much as the boy's ego; Riley would strike out the next three batters, stranding the runner at first.

And the third at-bat?

Pitch 1: Thrown to another player because the coach figured the kid had been through enough that day.


Hipolito Pena, 1989 Fleer

Name: Hipolito Pena
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50 cents off a Grilled Steak Hipolito at Taco Bell
Key 1988 stat: The biggest grin you ever saw
What does Hipolito Pena's face remind us of?

A) Elmo
B) The comedy mask
C) Popeye with a smile
D) A cute little kitty-cat
E) All of the above

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com


Kevin Mitchell, 1988 Topps

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Not enough to buy a song off iTunes
Key 1987 stat: Thugged it up, apparently
What the ...: We're not entirely sure what the deal is here, but Topps apparently airbrushed this photo to make Kevin Mitchell look like a rapper from the Dirty South. This got us thinking, if Mitchell did cut a CD with Lil Jon, what would some of the tracks be called?

10) "In Da Outfield"
9) "I Like Dem Ball Girlz"
8) "Power Sluggaz"
7) "Crunk Bat"
6) "Will Clark Ain't (expletive)"
5) "Don't Need No Glovez"
4) "Stealin Bases and Money"
3) "Shawty Can't Pitch"
2) "(Expletive) Da Umpires"
1) "Giantz of da ATL"


Gary Carter, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 28)

Name: Gary Carter:
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Being obvious
Key 1990 stat: 101 times wearing the "professional model"
Top 10 other ways Studio could have made it clear Gary Carter was a catcher:

10) Have him hold up a sign reading, "I'm a catcher."
9) Dude, where's the mask? Duh.
8) Have him platoon with Mike Scioscia in this card.
7) Put an umpire behind him.
6) Put an all-you-can-eat buffet in front of him.
5) Have him ice his knees.
4) Have him getting knee replacement surgery.
3) Have him say "How's your wife and my kids?"
2) Put him in the rye.
1) One word: Squat.


Ernest Givins, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 95)

Name: Ernest Givins
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: .01 fantasy point
Key 1991 stat: One limb fully pictured
We're confused: What, precisely, is Ernest Givins trying to signal via semaphore?

A) "I got this windbreaker for $4!"
B) "I shaved my legs this morning!"
C) "Every day I'm shufflin'."
D) "Do you have another pair of shorts that I could wear?"
E) "I seem to have forgotten my shoes."


John Urrea, 1982 Donruss

Name: John Urrea
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Reliever, of course
Value of card: Breaking the seal
Key 1981 stat: One hideous uniform
Fun facts about urea, the organic compound, and John Urrea, the pitcher:
  • Urea is abundantly present in urine. Urrea's name made people laugh until they peed.
  • Urea plays an important role in human metabolism. Urrea's jersey played an important role in human blindness.
  • Urea can be used to make explosive devices. Urrea got blown up a lot when he was on the mound.
  • Urea is used in some hair conditioners. Urrea's hair needed two bottles of conditioner a day.
  • Urea is often used in fertilizer. Urrea was pretty crappy, too.



Ben McDonald, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Ben McDonald
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One ink stain
Key 1991 stat: 559 slices of pizza eaten
Conversation between Ben McDonald and interviewer, April 12, 1992:
Interviewer: "What do you think about the O's chances this year, Ben?"
Ben McDonald: "What's with that microphone? It looks like a piece of foam rubber with phone cord sticking out of it! That's crazy!"
I: "Um, yeah, I'm just borrowing — "
BM: "Ha! Here kid, take this ball. I gotta see this thing. So, can you make phone calls on here? Where's the dial pad?"
I: "No, it's not a phone, it's just a crappy microphone."
BM: "Come on, be honest. Can you talk to the president through this thing?"
I: "Uhhhhh..."
BM: "Hello? Mr. President? Can you hear me? This is Ben McDonald, I wrote to you when I was 12 years old about how much I liked pizza? I still do!"
I: "Um, Ben, the president changes every four or eight years."
BM: "OK, Mr. President, gotta go. I have to sign an autograph for the crazy guy in the bottom left corner of this baseball card."
Crazy guy: "Yeaaaahhhhh! Get over here, Bill O'Donnell!"


Travis Lee, 1999 Upper Deck Star Quest

Name: Travis Lee
Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Position: First base
Value of card: Alphabet soup
Key 1998 stat: 203 long-sleeve T-shirts purchased
Vowel movement: So, before we realized the letters along the side were supposed to read "star quest," here are some of the words we thought Upper Deck was trying to spell:



Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo, 1992 Topps Top Prospects

Names: Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Oakland A's, San Diego Padres, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Third base, one and all
Value of card: One halfway decent big leaguer
Key 1991 stats: Zero fantasy baseball callups
It's a minor-league Matchup:

Round 1: Actual major league career in future (Winner: Paquette)
Round 2: "Prospect" who appears to be 40 years old (Winner: Redington)
Round 3: "Prospect" who appears to have been created in "MLB The Show" (Winner: Russo)
Round 4: Bushiest eyebrows (Winner: Redington)
Round 5: Insisted on having photo taken on a moonless night (Winner: Bolick)
Round 6: Emotionless eyes (Winner: Russo)
Round 7: Shiniest skin (Winner: Russo)
Round 8: In need of a better batting stance (Winner: Paquette)
Round 9: Short enough to fit in the upper left, under the logo (Winner: Bolick)

Final score: Russo 3, Paquette 2, Bolick 2, Redington 2

Synopsis: Redington jumped out to an early lead, but his advanced age hurt him down the stretch. Instead, Russo notches the victory, and even though he appears to have been designed by EA Sports, keep in mind that video games in 1992 looked like this. So, there.


Steve Sax, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Sax
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Second base
Value of card: Old man smell
Key 1991 stat: A lot of patience
Steve Sax's train of thought from 5:10 to 5:12 p.m., June 22, 1991: "Wow, he just doesn't shut up, does he? ... Whose idea was it to let Mattingly invite his grandpa to watch the game from the dugout, anyway? ... Oh, God, I don't want to hear about the prostitutes you found in Seoul during the Korean War. That's just gross. ... Really? You're talking about how great Studebakers were? Somebody shoot me. ... Whew, I'm on deck. Hey, come on, let me past. No, I don't want to hear about how you met your second wife at your first wife's funeral. That's creepy. Come on! Should I just push him out of the way? Oh, shocking, Pat Kelly just popped out. But now I'm up — that's it, I'm pushing past. Look out — oh crap, he fell. I think he broke a hip. Well, this could be worse. I could be playing for the Indians."


Mike Scott, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 27)

Name: Mike Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Ace
Value of card: Two "blades" of AstroTurf
Key 1991 stat: 20 pounds of chin
Conversation between Studio photographer and his editor, March 13, 1991:
Studio photographer: OK, so here's the shot of Mike Scott I think we should use.
Studio editor: You must have something better than this.
SP: Nope. This is the one.
SE: Let me see your other shots.
SP: OK. Here's one of him spitting on me.
SE: Uh-huh ...
SP: And here's one of him flipping me off.
SE: Not good.
SP: And here he's popping a zit on his back.
SE: That's disgusting.
SP: Ah, this one. Yup, this is him mooning me while making his butt cheeks say, "(Expletive) off, jerk."
SE: That won't work.
SP: And here he's actually spitting on me while flipping me off, popping a zit on his back with his pants around his ankles and insulting Nolan Ryan.
SE: So that's it?
SP: Yes, sir.
SE: Well, the one you selected looks good. We'll circulate across America a photo of a pudgy middle-age man with a ratty mullet looking awkwardly at the camera with his mouth slightly agape.


Boobie Clark, 1978 Topps (Football Friday No. 94)

Name: Boobie Clark *snicker*
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Fullback
Value of card: Lifts and separates
Key 1977 stat: Millions of immature fans
Ten names funnier than Boobie Clark, some of which are real:
10) Hoo-Hah Smith
9) Fair Hooker
8) Johnson O'Dingus
7) Lucious Pusey
6) Knockers McGee
5) Chris Smelley
4) I.P. Freely
3) Dick Pole (oh, wait, that's baseball)
2) Heath Cockburn
1) Boobie Q. Clark


John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: $17,000 in hospital bills
Key 1988 stat: One photographer beaten up
Here's the story of John Kruk in this photo, by the numbers:

0: Photos Kruk wanted taken of himself that day
4: Broken bones suffered by the photographer after Kruk "expressed" his displeasure
14: Beers Kruk had drank before this encounter
36: Hours since Kruk had last shaved
107: Curse words uttered by Kruk after the photo was taken
108: Pounds gained by Kruk since the photo was taken
40,000: Dollars paid by Kruk to the photog to keep the incident under wraps


Paul Kilgus, 1990 Topps

Name: Paul Kilgus
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The hair from the Kilgus family drain (they had only one)
Key 1989 stat: Umm ... (flipping through stat books) umm ... oh! One Kilgus in Major League Baseball
Time for a Kilgus pop quiz:

What exactly is a Kilgus?

(A) A chin that seems to disappear under the bottom lip
(B) A dual-colored "double belt" popular in France in the late 1980s
(C) The hair hanging below a cap's brim
(D) A turtleneck cut into a mock turtleneck with dull scissors
(E) The folds of a shirt that's four sizes too big
(F) A mediocre Major League pitcher from the mid- to late 1980s
(G) All of the above


Johnny Bench, 1975 Topps

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Four albums on 8-track
Key 1974 stat: Four albums on 8-track, popped one by one in the ruby-red 1975 Buick Century
Here's what Johnny Bench stood for in 1975:

Just a dude in a squat with his right fist clenched, ready to fight
Over his ears, the mullet tumbles
Handwriting of a serial killer
Never stands; always squats
NL All-Star, just a bit off-center
Yellow tongues on his shoes? Yeah, he's not ashamed

Big Red Machine, small blue pill
Even his biggest fans thought this card sucked
Not hard to tell what he throws down in Paper, Rock, Scissors
Catcher, except in the bedroom
Hall of Fame (for sideburns)


Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, 1993 Upper Deck

Names (clockwise from left): Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One quasi-racist rallying cry
Key 1993 stat: A whole bunch of wins
It's an all-aces Matchup:

Round 1: Creepiness (Winner: Avery)
Round 2: Photoshopped into this card (Winner: Maddux)
Round 3: Facial hair (Winner: Smoltz, by default)
Round 4: Unnecessary sleeves (Winner: Smoltz)
Round 5: Not actually as good as it seemed (Winner: Avery)
Round 6: Laziness (Winner: Glavine)
Round 7: Knowing that chicks dig the long ball (Winner: Tie between Glavine and Maddux)
Round 8: Being a little too happy to touch Tom Glavine (Winner: Smoltz)

Final score: Smoltz 3, Avery 2, Glavine 1.5, Maddux 1.5

Synopsis: As in life, Steve Avery got off to a hot start only to have his run derailed by mediocrity. Instead, John Smoltz closes out the win late, multiple Cy Youngs be damned.


Jerry Glanville, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 7)

Name: Jerry Glanville
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Worth its weight in hair gel
Key 1990 stat: 18-pound belt buckle
10 appropriate titles for this inappropriate card:
10) "Look at the Buckle. Look at the Buckle. Look at the Buckle."
9) "The Bulge of Monte Cristo"
8) "(How Long Do I Need to Suck It In?) Exhale"
7) "Oh, Hello. I Didn't See You Standing There"
6) "Hair Helmet Symphony No. 5 in D(ouchebag) Major"
5) "Living the Good Life on Parka Avenue"
4) "Buckle Under Pressure"
3) "A Falcon with Fat Fingers"
2) "Aplomb and Jerry"
1) "Glam-ville"


Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Billy Ray Smith
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Charge it! (declined)
Key 1990 stat: 157 stripes
Transcript from San Diego Chargers season ticket commercial, circa 1990: "Heeeeeyyyy, football fans! It's me, Billy Ray Smith, and I'm charged up! (Smith runs through fake brick wall; comes out smiling; lightning strikes all around him) It's going to be a heck of a season! Woooo! (Smith flexes, yells) You know what you need to do? Buy season tickets! What, you don't want to pay to watch us play? Of course you do! But here's an added bonus! (Smith pulls a black blanket off something behind him) If you buy season tickets now, we'll throw in a pair of the hottest Zubaz pants I've ever seen. They'll burn your retinas! (Smith puts on Oakley Blades) What, that's not enough? We'll throw in your very own Zubaz shirt. Read that thing: Dare to be different! (Smith points to the words on the shirt) I double-dare ya! What, you want more? We'll throw in a pair of 6-inch wristbands, which will actually make you sweat more! (Smith starts lifting weights and sweating profusely) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You want more? (Smith throws down weights) How about a free mustache trim when you sign up for the Super Mullet Special at Fantastic Sam's? (Camera pans to Fantastic Sam's bear mascot) Now that's a deal that's a cut above! So, call in and buy yourself some season tickets. You know you can always charge it! (Lightning strikes Smith's biceps)"


John Roper, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 5)

Name: John Roper
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 3 inches of rope, thrown in the john
Key 1990 stat: 42,754 hugs
Where's the love? Sometimes, it's tough being a Bear. John Roper was a monstrous man who could strike fear in the soul of many a man. But fear followed Roper, too, in the form of loneliness. The linebacker loathed being alone, but, after practices and games, that was often how he found himself. He tried subduing his sorrows in booze and pills, but he only felt more alone. Then, sage advice from his grandmother set him straight. "Just hug someone," she said. So he did. Roper hugged family members. He hugged strangers and teammates. He hugged anyone he saw, and then started hugging inanimate objects. He hugged trees. He shared long embraces with telephone poles. But it was the tackling sled, oh the tackling shed, that he kept closest to his heart, both literally and figuratively.


Jack Kemp, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 4)

Name: Jack Kemp
Teams: Buffalo Bills, U.S. government
Positions: Quarterback, housing secretary for George H.W. Bush
Value of card: One tie with cheetah spots on it
Key 1990 stat: Wore that helmet to the White House 17 times
Ways in which Jack Kemp and Abraham Lincoln were alike:

  • Both never led the Bills to a Super Bowl title
  • Both enjoyed a nice soft cheese
  • Both were big fans of the theater
  • Both gave influential speeches: Lincoln at Gettysburg, Kemp at the buffet line at Furr's
  • Both would have agreed this tie was a bad choice



Chip Lohmiller, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 3)

Name: Chip Lohmiller
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: A coupon for 50 cents off Rogaine
Key 1991 stat: One knot on head
Look out, above: There Chip Lohmiller was, having fun with the Pro Line crew, dancing the "YMCA" and showing off his new gray undershirt. Little did he know Redskins punter Kelly Goodburn was having a little fun of his own. Goodburn started aiming a few kicks into the middle of the shoot, throwing off Lohmiller's rhythm. "Knock it off!" Lohmiller yelled at him. "This is why you're not getting a card in this set, you jerk!" Lohmiller resumed dancing and posing, and the photog started snapping away. Among the shots he got was this one, taken half a second before one of Goodburn's punts landed directly on Lohmiller's hair peninsula, knocking him out cold. Thankfully, this was before the NFL cared about concussions, so the kicker was back at practice the next day, a little wobbly, but booting field goals and out-mamboing all comers.


Eric Martin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eric Martin
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A rusted punching bag
Key 1991 stat: Zero times mowing the lawn
Inappropriate: It's time for the game craze that's sweeping America — "Football Player or Male Stripper?"

Exhibit A: Not wearing a shirt (3 points for stripper)
Exhibit B: Holding a football (3 points for football player)
Exhibit C: Apparently lives in a shed with a weed-littered backyard (1 point for stripper)
Exhibit D: Wrapping arms and legs around pole (5 points for stripper)
Exhibit E: Some sort of punching bag in background (1 point for football player)
Exhibit F: Wearing football pants (4 points for football player)
Exhibit G: Uncertain, possibly scared look on face (2 points for stripper)
Exhibit H: Wearing a garbage bag around waist (0 points for either side — it's just ridiculous)

Final score: Stripper 11, football player 8

Verdict: Eric Martin is a stripper. But even if he is a football player, you'd think he could spare the money to hire a landscaper and clean up that yard. I'm sure his neighbors would appreciate it. Geez.


Tom Thayer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Thayer
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Right guard
Value of card: A bent spoke
Key 1991 stat: Everything rolled up
It's the NFL's opening week, aka Another Pro Line Week: Our first week honoring America's most ludicrous set of football cards was a smashing success (hey, we laughed). So, rather than stop while we're ahead, we've decided to bring you seven more days of this nonsense, highlighting what happens when NFL players take off the pads and helmets. It won't be pretty.
Tom Thayer's train of thought, from 10:22 to 10:24 a.m., June 2, 1991: "Yep, judging from what I can see in this little mirror on my moped, I look pretty badass. ... Let's see. Socks: check. Pantlegs: check. Sleeves: check. What else can I roll up? ... I should be in a Night Ranger video. ... Good thing I remembered to shave and oil my legs this morning. ... I wonder if they'll be able to tell I'm holding a roast beef sandwich inside my jacket. Mmm, this thing's getting nice and warm."


Mark McGwire, 1993 Studio Heritage Series

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Ye Olde A
Position: First of the base
Value of card: 14 shillings
Key 1892 stat: 16 "four basers"
19th-century scouting report on Mark McGwire: "Ay, his feathered locks resemble those of the most renowned passenger pigeon. ... His hat be that of a train conductor. Yet he know not where the curveball goes. ... Huzzah! This man of might can hit the ole horsehide with the force of a dozen stampeding bison. ... His on-field coat and trousers are as white as the heavens' most serendipitous angels. ... The Scurvy Ginger, as this man be known, once hit a four baser from here to New Amsterdam. ... His stare is that of a massive moose; his stench does not disappoint, good sir. ... He hath been known to button his fancy collar up to his chin, thus hiding his many tufts of chest hair. We protest. ... Bound by bound, this basetender can stir your stumps, but, most of all, he be a patriot for this United States."


Doug Drabek, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 26)

Name: Doug Drabek
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One VHS copy of "Tombstone"
Key 1990 stat: Five neck wrinkles
Just one question:

What's the name of this pose?

A) The "Wyatt Earp"
B) The "Wyatt Burp"
C) The "Over-The-Shoulder Attention Holder"
D) The "Remember When The Pirates Were Good?"
E) The "Just Go Ahead And Take Yourself Serious, Guy"
F) The "Mulletstache Supreme"


Shane Conlan, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 93)

Name: Shane Conlan
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six mutilated zebras
Key 1990 stat: Two X's and an L on all T-shirts
Transcript of Zubaz TV commercial, circa 1991: "Boom! Bam! Slam-a-jam! America, get ready to have your system shocked! (Conlan jumps on a stadium seat and continues to yell at the camera.) I'm Shane Conlan, and I'm here to tell you about the coolest, boldest, baddest and raddest pants in the history of the world! Check 'em out! It's Zubaz time! (Camera shot zooms in and out each time he says brand name.) Zubaz! ... Zubaz! ... Zubaz! Kids, you want to dress like the pros and cause seizures in epileptics? Get your hands on Zubaz! Parents, you want your kids to look totally tubular and get the opportunity to wear pajamas in public? Buy Zubaz! (Conlan runs his fingers through his bangs during a close-up.) These pants are flexible, flashy and, obviously, awesome-o-rama, so head to the mall and get a pair in your favorite team's blinding, eye-raping colors. Take it from me, the Buffalo Bills' most bodacious linebacker: You can't be a star without the stripes!"


Mike LaValliere, 1990 Topps

Name: Mike "Spanky" LaValliere
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The lint in Spanky's bellybutton
Key 1989 stat: 1,498 spanks
10 things you might not know about "Spanky" LaValliere:
10) His mullet's wings allowed him to fly.
9) He played most of his career blind.
8) His tongue weighed nearly 3 pounds, which prevented him from closing his mouth.
7) He slept with his mitt (like, um, in a relationship way).
6) The two sides of his mustache were interchangeable with his eyebrows.
5) His most annoying habit: He always responded, "Spank you very much."
4) He got his nickname from "The Little Rascals" — the XXX version.
3) He was the first Pirates player to own a parrot and have a peg leg.
2) His parents were French. As were his fries.
1) He lived life in a squat.