Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Willie McGee, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings No. 3)

Name: Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of hardened Play-Doh
Key 1985 stat: 14 children frightened
Man of mystery: What, what, what is it? What is that thing pictured above? It can't be Willie McGee. For all his faults, he was at least human. The shards of skin and turkey neck don't make a man. It's like a mismatched selection of body parts, crammed together without care for the poor souls whose eyes must view it. This, this, this thing is the stuff nightmares are made of. Those lazy eyes, weak chin, upturned nose and jagged lips; that's not Willie. Could there be a worse illustration of this former MVP? Yes, yes there absolutely can.

Willie McGee, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings No. 3)

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Name: Gah! We mean, Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40 shudders
Key 1988 stat: Even he seemed appalled by himself
Come on, Topps: Look, we understand the point of the Topps Big set was to get both an action shot and an up-close mug of the same player on one card. But maybe you could have just gone with two action shots of Willie? We mean, good lord, nobody needs to see that homely face smiling (is he smiling?) right back at them. Imagine the poor kids who saw this card! Nightmares for weeks, and probably a bout of bed-wetting, too (that was our excuse, at least). It's bad enough that these cards won't fit in our standard-issue card pages, you don't need to torment us with a full-on view of the Chinless Wonder as well. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to go wash our sheets.

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Name: Sean Lowe
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bag of clouds
Key 1992 stat: 26 red birds killed with a pellet gun
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on first-round pick Sean Lowe: "Well, it's pretty obvious, but the sky is the limit with this kid — and it looks like he has reached his limit. ... Can't pitch worth a lick, but his vertical leap is 122,816 feet. ... His baseball IQ isn't that high; his head seems to be in the clouds. ... If that trampoline rule change comes to pass, this kid will be a star. ... His apparent ability to fly bodes well for a team with a bird for a mascot."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Sean Lowe, 1993 Score Select First Round Draft Pick

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinal
Position: First base
Value of card: Watch as its value disappears!
Key 1998 stat: Whole lotta homers, whole lotta supplements
One-stop shot shop: Most of us remember that McGwire magic back in 1998. Here are a handful of places where you could buy your own.

• From that guy with all the backne at the gym
• At Jose Canseco's rummage sale
• From that big German dude who works at the GNC on Tuesdays
• Ask Sammy Sosa and A-Rod. They might know.
• Two words: Vic Conte

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Bruce Sutter, 1983 Topps

Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Closer
Value of card: 36 saves (after coupons cut for his local Kroger's)
Key 1982 stat: 1,981,427 hairs on face and head
Top 10 nicknames for Bruce Sutter's beard:
10) Fuzz Monster
9) Chin Blanket
8) Cardinals' Nest
7) Wolfenstein
6) Rutherford B. Hayes
5) Face 'Fro
4) The Barber-arian
3) Grizzlier Adams
2) The Lumberjack's Lumberjack
1) It

Bruce Sutter, 1983 Topps

Bruce Sutter, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three dirty cardinal feathers
Key 1983 stat: Face was never cold
A pop quiz of the artist as a young man: What gave Dick Perez the most trouble while creating this Diamond King?

A) Procuring enough brown paint to do Bruce Sutter's beard justice
B) Getting the homeless man painted in this picture to stand still
C) Tilting the "SL" logo on the hat at just the wrong angle
D) Learning how to draw a person's butt, apparently
E) All of the above

Bruce Sutter, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bobby Bonds
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six broken razors
Key 1980 stat: 18 ounces of scum left on dugout wall
Here's what Bobby Bonds stands for:

Barbers were his worst enemies
Other than not being able to wear a ball cap, he looked good in a uniform
Buzz cut? Not quite
Ballplayer first, style maven second
You never know when Fleer is going to take a photo of you

Bed head taken to a whole new level
Optimal combination of 'fro and ragged beard
Never could find a razor in 1981
Dad to Barry Bonds, who was more clean ... shaven
Soul Glo, sucka, Soul Glo

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Name: Dorrel Norman Evert "Whitey" Herzog
Team: St. Louis "Cards"
Position: Manager
Value of card: One lesson on how not to wear a jacket
Key 1981 stat: 27 people punched for calling him by his given name
Top 10 things that could be found in Whitey Herzog's face wrinkles:

10) Brisket
9) A properly adjusted collar
8) Loose beard hairs from Bruce Sutter
7) More wrinkles
6) A mother's love
5) That day's lineup card
4) The rest of his sideburns
3) The rest of his turtleneck
2) Blueprints for the Gateway Arch
1) A cure for Willie McGee's homeliness

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: 11 6-week-old Big Macs
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing-drug use
The Naturals subset seems like an odd choice for McGwire; some other odd subset choices:

• Nolan Ryan, Indians
• Randy Johnson, Short Guys
• Oscar Gamble, Flat Tops
• Tommy Lasorda, Irishmen
• O.J. Simpson, Innocents
• Rusty Kuntz, Unfunny Names
• Barry Bonds, Naturals

Mark McGwire, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Todd Zeile
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Zeile-yun dollars
Key 1990 stat: 1,052 times listening to Bell Biv Devoe
Interview transcript with Todd Zeile, circa 1990: 
Radio interviewer: "Welcome back, Cardinals fans, Mike Shannon here with the Mutual of Omaha Player of the Game Todd Zeile, who went 2-for-3 with the deciding homer today. He also took a pretty good shot to the noggin from Andre Dawson's backswing in the sixth, but toughed it out. Todd, you want to take off those headphones and tell me about that long ball?"
Todd Zeile: "Shh, shh, I'm listening to the postgame show! I think they're going to be talking to me this time! Ugh, too bad my head hurts."
RI: "Uh, Todd, this is the show. We're on live right now. So, how about that homer?"
TZ: "Come on, man, I can't hear the show with you yammering away like that. And can someone turn off that alarm clock! Geez. Ooh, is that a chocolate truffle?" (Attempts to eat the end of the interviewer's microphone)
RI: "Hey, stop that! That's not food! OK, we're going to take a break and see if we can get the trainer to have a look at Todd Zeile, here. From Busch Stadium, this is Mike Shannon signing off."
TZ: "Man, I can't get a good signal in this dugout. Screw this, I'm playing my Bell Biv Devoe CD again." (Starts singing) "That girl is poisonnnn, p-p-p-poison!"
 

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Mike Ramsey, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bill Murray, aka Mike Ramsey
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Comedian, shortstop
Value of card: $2 off a perm at Supercuts
Key 1980 stat: One mistaken trade
The not-so-funny legend of Mike Ramsey: The year was 1980, and Bill Murray was hot. After years starring on "Saturday Night Live," Murray had gained even more fame in soon-to-be classic "Caddyshack." The comedian was so popular that, on a lark, he even signed a contract with his favorite baseball team, the Chicago Cubs. Murray, playing under the pseudonym "Mike Ramsey," quickly became the team's best hitter, posting a .262 average. Cubs general manager Bob Kennedy was so impressed that he quickly traded Murray to the arch-rival Cardinals in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick and a bag of gym socks. Murray was not amused, and grew out his hair in protest. Of course, everyone thought Murray's man-perm was his best joke yet.

Mike Ramsey, 1981 Fleer

Tony Pena, 1989 Donruss

Name: Tony Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth so little you have to throw a quarter in the garbage every time you look at it
Key 1988 stat: 20-20 vision (when wearing the world's biggest and thickest glasses)
Let's meet Tony Pena: This is Tony Pena, a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. He's a good guy and — oh my god, Tony, run! There's a giant red blob crawling on you! It's moving up your neck, trying to eat your face! Try to push it down! Try to pull it off! It's hideous, Tony, it's hideous! It's huge! It's a monstrosity! It has already consumed your neck and is making its way for your chin! Run, Tony, run! Oh, lord! Someone help him! Someone, please!

Tony Pena, 1989 Donruss

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: St. Louis Lovely Ladies Cardinals
Position: First base
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1986 stat: One butt chin
A colorful rant: Folks, please put your hands together for the Topps photography and design departments. What we have here is another iconic example of the pre-Photoshop era, when men were men and jerseys were pink — or some such thing. Mike Laga, whose chiseled good looks and million-dollar butt chin make him ideal for the "mugshot" treatment, was traded from the Tigers to the Cardinals in 1986. Apparently, the photo above was either (A) taken during his Tigers days or (B) he was sporting his favorite Morey Boogie hat while striding around spring training shirtless and Topps figured they needed to make Laga appear more ballplayer than surfer dude. We'll take option A, and we'll note that the Topps designers did a pretty impressive job pasting on that red hat. But we have to ask: What in the name of Bob Gibson's gonads is going on with that pink jersey? Well, maybe the designers were infatuated with a certain team in a certain 8-bit Nintendo game called "Baseball Stars."

Mike Laga, 1987 Topps

Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: No clue; it's stolen
Key 1988 stat: 498 firecrackers lit
Here's what Vince Coleman stands for:

Vroooooom!
In a jiffy he ran; in a jiffy he got forced off teams
Never paid attention to coaches' signs; paid attention to women's signs
Caught stealing? Sure, but not on the field
Energy to steal bases only eclipsed by energy to comb mustache

Catchers had a hard time throwing him out; his parents, not so much
Outfielder with dentures, a wraparound 'stache and a penchant for playing "Rush"
Lots of random shapes behind this speedster, yet no diamond on a Diamond King
Ear flaps on both sides of the helmet? Apparently he's a Little Leaguer
Man of Steal? Sorry, nickname's taken
Accelerated with ease on field; accelerated too fast with the ladies
NASA could have used his speed, circa 1985

Vince Coleman, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Brian Jordan, 1998 Topps

Name: Brian Jordan
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One loss in fantasy football
Key 1997 stat: Many losses in fantasy football
We'll take a pass: Brian Jordan was a two-sport athlete for several years, playing defensive back for the Atlanta Falcons while climbing the St. Louis Cardinals' farm system. He even led the Falcons in tackles in 1991 and was a Pro Bowl alternate. But he signed a contract with the Cardinals in 1992 that required him  to quit football (except for ridiculous baseball card photo shoots, apparently). Here are a few of the Bust's other favorite two-sport stars.

• Deion Sanders, who was a football player, a baseball player, and just a player
• Bo Jackson, whose talent was almost as ridiculous as his sports cards
• Kenny Lofton, who loved sunglasses and short-shorts
• John Elway, who was a QB, a collegiate baseball player, and a lifelong thoroughbred-face
• Nolan Ryan, who threw hard pitches and punches

Brian Jordan, 1998 Topps

Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Name: Rheal Cormier
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 0.3 ounces of cardinal crap scratched off your shoulder
Key 1991 stat: One bird barely sneaking onto the card
Here's what Rheal Cormier stands for:

Real name; make that, "Rheal" name
Haircut is Little Boys No. 5
Even the cardinal looks ashamed to be on this card
Awkward grin was actually his best look
Lighting in this photo signals amateur photography

Circle change is the only pitch he could throw, apparently
Often told teammates to "keep it Rheal"
Rigid hat looks like it's made of cardboard
Meticulous grooming habits are something ...
Important to Cardinals other than Cormier
ERA was so high, it didn't seem "Rheal"
Right, that joke never gets old

Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Bob Tewksbury, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sideilnes Week No. 6)

Name: Bob Tewksbury
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, amusement park artist
Value of card: 12 broken and paperless crayons
Key 1991 stat: Six teammates angered by his drawings of them
A quick picture of some of Bob Tewksbury's amusement park drawings of teammates:

• Bernard Gilkey, whom Tewksbury depicted as a gracious hat-tipper with a grandpa name
• Lee Smith, whom Tewksbury joked around and depicted as 1992 teammate Bryn Smith 
• Andres Galarraga, whom Tewksbury depicted as a large feline
• Felix Jose, whom Tewksbury depicted as a small feline
• Ozzie Canseco, whom Tewksbury depicted as his twin brother, Jose Canseco
• Ozzie Smith, whom Tewksbury, in the portrait that marked the "pinnacle" of his career, depicted as a cartoonish wizard

Bob Tewksbury, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sideilnes Week No. 6)