Showing posts with label Zubaz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zubaz. Show all posts


Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Name: Ricky Ervins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: See that bracelet? Even less than that
Key 1992 stat: One fine for indecent exposure at the neighborhood park
Black belt in awkwardness: Here are a few martial arts that Ricky Ervins enjoyed.
  • Topless taekowndo
  • Kitless krav maga
  • Unclothed karate
  • Au naturel aikido
  • Manflesh muay thai
  • Nude-o judo



Dan McGwire, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 56)

Name: Zubaz      er, Dan McGwire
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two stripes
Key 1992 stat: Refused to be photographed from the waist up
Clairvoyance: Don't get us wrong, this Pro Line Portrait definitely is shameful. Ol' Danny boy here has more shoes than a Foot Locker and pants loud enough to make Marlee Matlin wince, after all. But what's more amazing is the prescience of the photographer who took this shot. He clearly knew that 20 years later, Dan McGwire would be a faceless figure, forgotten about and relegated to lists of biggest draft busts in NFL history, but that Zubaz pants would live forever. All hail the Zubaz!


Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Name: Anthony Munoz
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: See that elastic waistline twist tie? Yeah, that.
Key 1990 stat: 416 pancakes (not blocks; the breakfast food)
Transcript from Cincinnati-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Zubaz: "Howdy, Bengals fans. I'm Anthony Munoz and I'm here to tell you about NFL-brand Zubaz. If you're like me, you've always wanted to wear an understated pair of pants that look good without being outrageous. Well, your search is over, because NFL-brand Zubaz is being sold at a store near you. These are pants that put substance over style. They aren't meant to scare your elderly relatives or blind the children in your neighborhood. Oh no. They're made to match with just about any clothing combination you have in your closet. Need trousers for a formal occasion? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need something plain to go with a trendy striped shirt at the club? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need pants that absolutely, positively don't have giant tiger heads on them? Get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. With NFL-brand Zubaz, you'll earn your stripes without ever selling out to a ridiculous fad."


Burt Grossman, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 53)

Name: Burt Grossman
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Bupkis
Key 1991 stat: Four pairs of lightning-bolt shorts owned
Burt Grossman's online dating profile circa 1991: 

Screen name: NotSoGrossMan1
Age: 24
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 270 lbs.
Hair color: San Diego Padre brown
Hairstyle: Behatted
Facial hair: Waxed
Ethnicity: Beach bro
Marital status: Married      to the gridiron
Want children? I would love a little Grossman
Smoke? And ruin this babyface? No way.
Drink? I've done a keg stand before.
Best feature: Thighs

Seeking: Hey laaaaaadies!
Her body type: San Diego
Her ethnicity: Tanned
Her interests: Shorts, smooth skin, not making fun of people's names

About me: Look, ladies, despite my name, I'm the cleanest man you'll ever meet. I don't tolerate a mess in my house      or on my body. Except for what's on top of my head, I'm completely hairless. I feel that this gives me a competitive advantage, both on the field and off. It makes me harder to block, but it also accentuates my muscular legs and the fact that my neck is wider than my forehead. So drop me a line and let's show each other some skin.



Junior Seau, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 50)

Name: Junior Seau
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One drawstring
Key 1991 stat: Turtlenecks, turtlenecks everywhere!
Put this pop quiz in lights: What does it say on the scoreboard behind Junior Seau?

(E) NONE OF      er, none of the above


Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Name: Myron Guyton
Team: New York Giants
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: 6 shreds of Zubaz
Key 1990 stat: 71 straight hours cradling a football
Conversation between Myron Guyton and a Pro Line photographer, circa 1990:
Pro Line photographer: "Howdy, Myron. I'm here to take your photo."
Myron Guyton: "No ball."
PLP: "Ha. That's fine, Myron. All I need to do is snap a picture."
MG: "I said, 'No ball.'"
PLP: "OK, OK. You just hold onto that ball, buddy. Let me get set up here."
MG: "No. No. No. No ball."
PLP: "You keep the ball, Myron. Maybe just hold it more naturally."
MG: "No. My football."
PLP: "Don't you maybe want to hold it tucked between your arm and your side, like you're running with it?"
MG: "My ball. No ball for you."
PLP: "Fine. Your ball. Any chance you can shake out your Zubaz pants so we don't end up with a football card sporting a bulge?"
MG: "My bulge."
PLP: (sighs, shakes head, takes photo)


Darryl Williams, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 43)

Name: Darryl Williams
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Safety
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape dubbed from a hip-hop station in the early 1990s
Key 1990 stat: 27 nightclubs entered wearing this outfit
Little-known facts about Darryl Williams:
  • He played for the short-lived Cincinnati Zebras.
  • He was a superhero who could shoot laser beams from his eyes.
  • He never walked; he floated.
  • He had a recurring role on "A Different World" as Jacques the "tough but sensitive jock."
  • He blinded himself by looking at his pants.



Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Name: Kenny Stabler
Team: Oakland Raiders (a long, long time ago)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 28 pieces of snakeskin
Key 1991 stat: Seven continents on his pants
Kenny Stabler's nickname was "The Snake"; here are some other nicknames fans could have assumed he went by after looking at this card:
  • Kenny "The Hammer Pants" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Mock Turtleneck" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Laughable Sports Card" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Doc Brown Haircut from 'Back to the Future'" Stabler
  • Kenny "The Phallic Reference" Stabler
  • Kenny "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts" Stabler



Jim Lachey, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 33)

Name: Jim Lachey
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of wet cardboard
Key 1990 stat: 671 stripes

Time for a shameful pop quiz:

Just how loud are Jim Lachey's pants?

(A) What's that?
(B) I'm sorry, say it again.
(C) No, again. Please. I can't hear you.
(D) For the love of god, you'll need to speak much, much louder.
(E) All of the above.


Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

Name: Steve McMichael
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Three shovelfuls of bear crap
Key 1990 stat: 2-inch indention in butt chin
It's time for a "Mongo" pop quiz:

Just why does Steve "Mongo" McMichael appear so confident?

(A) He knows he has the most wind-friendly mullet in the Windy City.
(B) Chicks dig Zubaz.
(C) He's not confident; he's concentrating on keeping his 47-pound head upright.
(D) He "Mongo." Mongo smash!
(E) All of the above.


Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A DVD copy of Season 5 of "Miami Vice" (two discs missing)
Key 1992 stat: One loitering ticket
Welcome to Preposterous Poster Week: With the NFL season just days away, we've decided to take a closer look at some of the finest football cards we've ever seen. In the early 1990s, Skybox decided it wasn't enough to make atrocious sports cards, so it helped create a series of atrocious sports posters. As if that wasn't bad enough, Skybox then turned said posters into — you guessed it — football cards. Now we're bringing you seven of the most embarrassing images to ever decorate a 14-year-old boy's bedroom (family photos excluded). Apologies in advance.

Ways in which Dan Marino is either armed or dangerous in the above photo:
  • It's dangerous to leave a football helmet on the back of a Corvette. If he forgets it's there, it could fall off and get scratched.
  • He's probably got some guns or something in that duffel bag.
  • It's dangerous to cover up such beautiful Zubaz pants, which is why his jersey is so neatly tucked in.
  • He's armed with a special permit that lets him park on the beach, even though the palm tree clearly bans such activity.
  • It's dangerous to give Marino so much time without pressuring him. Unless it's the playoffs, of course.



Jim McMahon, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 8)

Name: Jim McMahon
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Gagging on the douche-osity of it all
Key 1991 stat: Wore Zubaz the other 364 days that year, too
Fun facts about quarterback Jim McMahon and the teams he played for in his career:
  • The teams of BYU, where McMahon played his college ball, are called the Cougars. Jim McMahon has spent time with other cougars, as well.
  • The 1986 Chicago Bears had a big-time defense. Jim McMahon was a big-time d-bag.
  • Those '86 Bears had only one blemish on their record       a loss to the Dolphins. McMahon is using his jacket to cover up the only blemish on his T-shirt, where he spilled some tuna salad.
  • The 1991 Philadelphia Eagles knocked off the eventual Super Bowl champ Redskins in Week 17. McMahon's "Rolex" watch was also a knock-off.
  • The 1993 Minnesota Vikings played nine of their games inside domes. McMahon wore those obnoxious sunglasses the whole time anyway.



William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)

Name: William "The Refrigerator" Perry
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Defensive live, bowling ball
Value of card: One pair of Zubaz pants stretched out beyond all possible use
Key 1990 stat: Three missing teeth
The first of a season's worth of Shameful Sunday Portraits: Summer will soon turn to autumn, the leaves will fall, the air will become crisp, and hulking men in skin-tight uniforms will hurl their bodies at one another at breakneck speed with little regard for personal safety. Ah, yes, pro football is back, and we're commemorating what's sure to be a legendary season with a not-so-legendary Shameful Sunday Portrait for each week that goes by. So, enjoy these manly men every Sunday for the next 20 or so weeks. You can thank us later for the fashion tips.
10 kitchen-related nicknames the Fridge used:
10) The Garbage Disposal, for his stomach
9) The Kitchen Sink, for the only thing he wasn't going to eat for lunch but then did eat for lunch
8) The Sausages, for his fingers
7) The Dishwasher, for his wife
6) The Toaster, for when he trapped his wife under the sheets after passing gas
5) The Zubaz, for his Zubaz
4) The pot, for marijuana
3) The Ice Tray with a Few Missing Cubes, for his teeth
2) The Stocked Cupboard, for his gut
1) Da Udda Fridge, for his refrigerator


Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Billy Ray Smith
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Charge it! (declined)
Key 1990 stat: 157 stripes
Transcript from San Diego Chargers season ticket commercial, circa 1990: "Heeeeeyyyy, football fans! It's me, Billy Ray Smith, and I'm charged up! (Smith runs through fake brick wall; comes out smiling; lightning strikes all around him) It's going to be a heck of a season! Woooo! (Smith flexes, yells) You know what you need to do? Buy season tickets! What, you don't want to pay to watch us play? Of course you do! But here's an added bonus! (Smith pulls a black blanket off something behind him) If you buy season tickets now, we'll throw in a pair of the hottest Zubaz pants I've ever seen. They'll burn your retinas! (Smith puts on Oakley Blades) What, that's not enough? We'll throw in your very own Zubaz shirt. Read that thing: Dare to be different! (Smith points to the words on the shirt) I double-dare ya! What, you want more? We'll throw in a pair of 6-inch wristbands, which will actually make you sweat more! (Smith starts lifting weights and sweating profusely) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You want more? (Smith throws down weights) How about a free mustache trim when you sign up for the Super Mullet Special at Fantastic Sam's? (Camera pans to Fantastic Sam's bear mascot) Now that's a deal that's a cut above! So, call in and buy yourself some season tickets. You know you can always charge it! (Lightning strikes Smith's biceps)"


Shane Conlan, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 93)

Name: Shane Conlan
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six mutilated zebras
Key 1990 stat: Two X's and an L on all T-shirts
Transcript of Zubaz TV commercial, circa 1991: "Boom! Bam! Slam-a-jam! America, get ready to have your system shocked! (Conlan jumps on a stadium seat and continues to yell at the camera.) I'm Shane Conlan, and I'm here to tell you about the coolest, boldest, baddest and raddest pants in the history of the world! Check 'em out! It's Zubaz time! (Camera shot zooms in and out each time he says brand name.) Zubaz! ... Zubaz! ... Zubaz! Kids, you want to dress like the pros and cause seizures in epileptics? Get your hands on Zubaz! Parents, you want your kids to look totally tubular and get the opportunity to wear pajamas in public? Buy Zubaz! (Conlan runs his fingers through his bangs during a close-up.) These pants are flexible, flashy and, obviously, awesome-o-rama, so head to the mall and get a pair in your favorite team's blinding, eye-raping colors. Take it from me, the Buffalo Bills' most bodacious linebacker: You can't be a star without the stripes!"


Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene Robinson
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Safety, Oakley Blades spokesman, saxophone player, foot model, tease
Value of card: As many cents as stripes on his pants
Key 1990 stat: 22 times mistaken for this man
10 reasons this is the greatest football card of all time. Of all time:
10) His fingernails are longer than a dope fiend's.
9) Shoes? Shoes? Not when your feet are this pretty.
8) He somehow makes wristbands look explicitly feminine.
7) He's wearing more ridiculous Zubaz than even the Nigerian Nightmare.
6) Oakley Blades weren't enough. He needed bright yellow Oakley Blades.
5) His shadow almost looks embarrassed about this outfit.
4) He's standing like a ballerina.
3) He flexed his ab muscles and his shirt exploded.
2) The instrument hanging around his neck.
1) The instrument winding its way down his left leg.


Dr. Dre, Ed Lover, 1991 ProSet MusiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 7)

Names: Dr. Dre, Ed Lover
Team: Team Yo! MTV Raps
Positions: Players
Value of card: One torn strand of tinsel
Key 1990 stat: One badass turntable
Clearing up some rumors about these two rap maestros:
  • They didn't play a sport, but they did play The Game.
  • While they may have hated The Game, they never hated the player.
  • Ed Lover is, in fact, wearing a Lakers Santa cap. This is unrelated, however, to the "special delivery" Kobe Bryant made in a Colorado hotel room in 2003.
  • Dr. Dre is, in fact, wearing a shirt that says "SKIDZ" on it. It remains unclear, however, whether there were SKIDZ in his shorts.
  • The animal prints on the top and bottom borders of this card are not from actual animals. Unless Zubaz is an animal.
  • Ed Lover is actually holding a basketball. It was Ice Cube, however, who last week messed around and got a triple-double.
  • MTV did, in fact, used to play music videos.



Marvin Jones, 1993 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 39)

Name: Marvin "Shade Tree" Jones
Teams: New York Jets, Oak Branches
Positions: Linebacker, shade provider
Value of card: Four twigs, set afire, stomped out, and then buried
Key 1990 stat: 48-inch girth
Marvin Jones' stream of consciousness, 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Aug. 15, 1993: "I can't believe these Pro Line idiots made me climb a tree. OK. I get it. My nickname is 'Shade Tree.' But this demeans me and my on-the-field accomplishments. And it's such an tired pun. What does he mean my Zubaz pants are clashing with the foliage? These are the most radical pants on the market. I wear them everywhere: the locker room, the club, MC Hammer music videos. I'm not taking them off for anyone. Good thing I wore my bodacious high-tops today. They're great for climbing trees. Wait. Why am I perched in these branches, staring toward the horizon? These Pro Line photo shoots are ridiculous. It's not like they'd make Mark Clayton climb a goal post or have Charles Mann take off his shirt. Hold up. Did that guy over there just make a 'Roots' joke? I oughta ..."



Christian Okoye, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 37)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Okoye says
Key 1990 stat: 612 Zubaz stripes
Clearing up some rumors about Christian Okoye:
  • Okoye was not going bald. His hair had retreated in fright from his piercing stare.
  • Okoye did not roll up his sleeves. His muscles did it for him.
  • Okoye did not dress like a horror film character and have his way with opposing teams' players. At least not when he was sober.
  • Okoye did not wear Zubaz pants. He captured and skinned a red, white and yellow zebra.
  • Okoye did not endorse this card or this blog post. He dares you to laugh.



Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Johnson
Teams: Phoenix Suns, Nation of Islam
Positions: Point guard, junior minister
Value of card: No monetary value: "As salaam alaikum"
Key 1991 stat: One separatist movement
Losing his religion: Kevin Johnson briefly joined the Nation of Islam in the early 1990s as a junior minister. He quickly rose to the rank of "all-holy speaker of truths" because of his oratory skills and how good he looked in a bow tie. But the radical views of the Nation of Islam wore on him. He didn't believe all white people were devils. In fact, he thought all people were created equal. But he loved religion, and he wasn't going to let a few hateful principles get in the way of his fashion style.
Yeah, put a bow on it: Weeks after leaving the Nation of Islam, the Rev. KJ started his own religious movement: The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The THOOICAWEALAYWABT became a sensation. People of all colors and creeds were drawn to the all-inclusive philosophies, self-exploring teachings and required Zubaz bow ties. Johnson became an all-powerful figure, but promised to always use his stature to better humanity. He was true to this pledge until he founded a city for disciples of The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The city quickly became a modern-day Gomorrah, with residents who shunned their religious views and started worshipping kings.