Showing posts with label Choose your own adventure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Choose your own adventure. Show all posts


Bill Buckner, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: Symbolism
Key 1990 stat: One grudge held against Upper Deck
Time to choose your own adventure: You are Jordan Jackson, card designer for Upper Deck in early 1990. You're currently sorting through a handful of photo possibilities for Royals first baseman Bill Buckner, who has worked hard to move past one of the most infamous errors in baseball history. It's late, and your supervisor (who's kind of a jerk) has long since left the building. Which photo do you choose for Buckner's card?

To go with a solid swing follow-through that gives a good view of Buckner's face, click here.
To select an action-packed baserunning shot of Buckner rounding second, click here.
To choose a photo that features the gaping opening of the tube used to roll up the infield tarp, which just happens to be positioned perfectly between Buckner's legs as he mans first base, and thus reveal that you are actually Mookie Wilson, click here.

Card suggested by Dave Cote


Dave Schmidt, 1987 Topps

Name: Dave Schmidt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: One not-quite-white sock from Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: 419 bouts of gas pain
It's time once again to choose your own adventure: You are Dave Schmidt, a reliever for the Chicago White Sox. It's the second inning of a game at Detroit, and you're not feeling so hot, thanks to those two beef 'n' bean burritos you scored from the 7-Eleven for lunch. The pressure is greater than anything you've ever faced on the mound during your unremarkable career, and just when you think you're about to pass out, you instead pass gas       an incredible silent but violent bomb that brings you great relief but will soon have nearby teammates scrambling for the clubhouse. What do you do next?

To sit back knowingly and smirk like a bastard, look at the card above and then click here.
To admit responsibility and apologize to your colleagues, click here.
To flee the scene of the crime and microwave another burrito, click here.


Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: The element of surprise
Key 1991 stat: Eye black reapplied every inning
Choose your own adventure: You are Matt Williams, third baseman for the San Francisco Giants. You've just drilled a ball deep to the gap and are rounding second, headed for a triple. As you slide in, you see something that startles the absolute cheese out of you. What is it?



Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Name: Mel Blount
Teams: Steelers (retired), nerd cowboys (current)
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: That bow tie
Key 1991 stat: One really bad idea
Choose a different adventure: You are Mel Blount, Hall of Fame cornerback with the Pittsburgh Steelers. As the current director of player relations for the NFL, you have been invited to take part in a league-sanctioned set of sports cards intended to show what football players look like off the field. This is a chance for the league to show how normal its athletes and representatives are while they have fun and look cool (well, for the early '90s). The photographer for these "Pro Line Portraits" offers you three options for your photo shoot:

  • To drag out the badass old Steelers uniform that you wore while making so many receivers bleed, click here.
  • To dress like a normal damn person, click here.
  • To wear a cowboy hat, a stupid red bow tie, pleated jeans and the largest, shiniest belt buckle you own so you can go stand in a field while holding a football and putting on the same thoughtful expression as your horse, click here



Dave Corzine, 1991-92 Upper Deck (White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Dave Corzine
Team: Seattle Supersonics
Position: Center
Value of card: A used mustache grooming kit
Key 1990-91 stat: One forgettable finish
Choose your own adventure: You are Dave Corzine, The Great White Hope. But at age 34, you know your time in the league is near an end. You can barely get up the court anymore without your short-shorts bunching up so far that "The Space Needle" nearly falls out. Your days of growing a scraggly beard and carousing with Bill Cartwright and friends have passed; you've since grown a respectable mustache and started using Just For Men. However, life after basketball is a daunting notion. How will you spend your retirement?

To put that mustache to its god-given use and become, ahem, an adult entertainer, click here.
To give up, put on 50 pounds and start collecting stamps, click here.
To open a multimillion-dollar business babysitting Shawn Kemp's 271 children, click here.


Toni Kukoc, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Vision (NBA Finals Week No. 6)

Name: Toni Kukoc
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Small forward
Value of card: One ruble
Key 1994 stat: Zero puzzles completed
Choose your own illustrated adventure: You are Dustin Swift, a 14-year-old boy living in Starkville, Miss. You are putting together the world's easiest puzzle, of a slightly above-average NBA player whose main claim to fame was causing Scottie Pippen to throw a snit fit. You're holding the second-to-last piece, wishing that you were skateboarding; instead you're grounded and taking a break from sorting through a stack of ridiculous baseball cards. What do you do next?

To put the piece in its place, click here.
To scrap the puzzle and go hunting for porn in your older brother's room, click here.
To say screw it and go back to that stupid choose-your-own-adventure book you were reading earlier, click here.


Cecil Espy, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cecil Espy
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A mouthful
Key 1988 stat: 196,390 swallows
Time to choose your own adventure: You are Cecil Espy, second-year outfielder for the Texas Rangers. You've just done a big favor — yes, that kind of favor — for manager Bobby Valentine in order to lock up a starting position on Opening Day. You know Bobby V isn't the most, um, hygienic guy around. What do you do with the "remnants"?

To spit it into this intrusive camera guy's lens, click here.
To pass it on to somebody even more disgusting, click here.
To just swallow, baby, click here.



Craig Biggio, 2000 Pacific Gold Crown

Name: Craig Biggio
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Second base
Value of card: Five broken mirrors
Key 1999 stat: One trip to the matrix
Choose your own adventure: You are Craig Biggio, all-star second baseman for the Houston Astros. You play the game with grace, bringing power, speed and defense to the table every game. Suddenly, you are abducted by Laurence Fishburne, who tells you that baseball is just an illusion, a computer program run by machines that controls you. He offers to show you the truth. What do you do?

To take the blue pill, click here.
To take the red pill, click here.
To stop after one movie, avoiding two god-awful sequels, click here.



Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five petrified pieces of bubble gum
Key 1988 stat: Two Ted Power books read
Choose your own adventure: You are Gary Sheffield, stud baseball rookie and badass. Your gold necklace weighs 5 pounds and your bat shoots stars when you swing it. You're on deck during the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with the White Sox and decide to pop a refreshing piece of Bazooka bubble gum. OW! Turns out the gum you put in your mouth is hard as a rock, and you now have two broken molars! Manager Tom Trebelhorn is ready to send in a pinch hitter for you. What do you do?

To wuss out and let someone else bat for you, click here.
To pop another piece of delicious Bazooka gum and let the chips fall where they may, click here.
To lose your mind and start shooting stars from your bat at everyone, click here.
To rip off your sleeves, swallow your broken teeth and stride to plate like a badass, click here.


Ted Power, 1990 Topps

Name: Ted Power
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The power of Ted
Key 1989 stat: Ten potential endings
Choose your own adventure: You are Ted Power, private detective by day, major league starter by night. When you're not tracking down criminals, you're throwing nasty splitters and change-ups. It's August 1989 and you're pitching the best game of your season. It's the top of the ninth and your team is up 2-0 thanks to a two-run jack from Pedro Guerrero. You're trying for the complete-game shutout, but suddenly the umpire has tightened the strike zone. You walk R.J. Reynolds and give up a bloop single to Mike "Spanky" Lavalliere, but bounce back to strike out the next two. Barry Bonds is striding to the plate and you see manager Whitey Herzog waddling out of the dugout. "This is it," you think, "he's gonna pull me. I was so freaking close!" But ol' Whitey just says, "Strike him out, kid." Re-energized, you look to the stands, where your wife, Helen, always sits. But something's wrong. Her face is pale and someone is standing too close to her. It's Knuckles Brannigan, the man you put away for a series of burglaries in 1981. You see a glint of steel near Helen's neck, but it's not her necklace — it's a knife. You look this deranged lunatic in the face and see him mouth two words: "Blow it." You realize this degenerate, who has likely bet on the Pirates, is going to kill your wife if you don't serve up a go-ahead home run. A flurry of choices runs through your head.

To throw an 85-mph fastball down the heart of the plate, allowing Bonds to win the game, click here.
To alert stadium security to the situation, click here.
To try and knock the blade out of Knuckles' hand with a heater, click here.
To realize your wife is a constant nag and that you haven't really loved her since she cheated on you four years ago, and therefore complete the shutout, click here.