Showing posts with label Puns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Puns. Show all posts


Luis Mercedes, 1992 Star

Name: Luis Mercedes
Team: Frederick Keys (Orioles affiliate)
Position: Second base
Value of card: Absolutely nothing
Key 1991 stat: Rated best-bunting second baseman who also shared a name with a car
Start your engines: In 1992, the Keys were hoping Luis Mercedes could help them Ford their way to a title with his Jaguar-like speed and Ram-like power. Alas, Luis's average was Mini and his strikeout rate rocketed toward Infiniti. Quickly, Orioles management opted to Dodge a bullet and made the Smart decision, saying Tata to Luis in what was truly a Saab story.


Glen Hanlon, 1987-88 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Glen Hanlon
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Goalie
Value of card: Even less than Detroit real estate
Key 1987-88 stat: Always had warm hands, for some reason
Get a grip: Here are a few reasons why Glen Hanlon had a successful NHL career.
  • He could easily grasp what the other team was trying to do.
  • He adjusted well to game situations.
  • He knew how to hold opponents scoreless.
  • He really knew how to grab the puck.
  • Above all, he could really handle his stick.
Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Rick Monday, 1977 Topps

Name: Rick Monday
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield-first base
Value of card: 1,908 cents (wink, wink)
Key 1976 stat: 52 Mondays feeling special
Here's how Rick Monday spent his week:
  • Monday: Posing for a baseball card.
  • Tuesday: Still smiling, for the 24th straight hour.
  • Wednesday: Asking a third-grader for advice on how to improve his penmanship.
  • Thursday: Combing his mullet.
  • Friday: Still smiling, for the 96th straight hour.
  • Saturday: Going back, year by year, in search of a Cubs World Series title.
  • Sunday: Counting the minutes to Monday.



Razor Shines, 1986 Topps

Name: Razor Shines
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Tetanus
Key 1985 stat: .120 batting average
Not so shiny: Today we present to you Razor Shines, a man who lived life on the edge. He was a sharp dresser who wouldn't be caught dead in short sleeves, let alone cut-offs. Razor was also well-shorn, with a mustache that made the ladies swoon and sideburns so keen they were considered lethal weapons in 17 states and three Canadian provinces. But if there was one slice of life that held Razor back, it was baseball. No matter how hard he tried to hone his skills, he could never pierce the starting lineup. He was dull on the basepaths and his swing was rusty. He spent four years with the Expos, posting a slash line of .185/.239/.198, numbers that hacked off his coach. So it was that in 1987, the inevitable happened: Razor was cut.


Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.


Steve Sharts, 1990 CMC (Fan Appreciation Week No. 7)

Name: Steve Sharts (yes!)
Team: Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Barrons
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half the discs from a DVD set of Season 8 of "The Office"
Key 1989 stat: Stood 5' 11" (6' 7" with hair)
Don't strain too hard over this poop pop quiz: Which statement best describes Steve Sharts' baseball career?

(A) He tried to force it on the mound.
(B) His numbers stunk to high heaven.
(C) As much talent as scouts thought he had, only a little came out.
(D) He was a stain on the Red Barons' franchise.
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Al Filipczak



Warren Moon, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 2)

Name: Warren — wait for it — Moon
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of green cheese
Key 1991 stat: Six straight years voted "best quarterback name" in NFL
Look up, the pun is shining: Warren Moon was an all-world quarterback. He never cratered under pressure and always made plays when he found himself in space. His stats often eclipsed all other players at his position and his leadership was never waning. Waxing poetic, Moon was a shining star, so to speak, whose exploits would make fans beam with pride. Moon's presence alone added gravity to games. Don't agree? Moon, till this day, will turn around, bend over, pull down his pants and express his disagreement.


Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.


Johnny Boychuk, 2012-13 Score (Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Johnny Boychuk
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: 11 splinters in your fingers
Key 2011-12 stat: 146 times asked, "Bruins? Do you play for UCLA?"
Oh, Boychuk: Well, what do we have here. You're all dressed up in a snazzy uniform, on ice that's as fast as a cheetah on methamphetamine. You have a sharp-looking visor and a look of determination on your face. You're a winner. You sure are. No one can stop you, champ. You've got the hockey world on a string — and then you used it for this card's border. We want to put our hands together for you, Boychuk, because you stick with it, stick to your guns, stick it out and never get the short end of the stick. For you, stud, hockey's a snap.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Jamal Mashburn, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 6)

Name: Jamal Mashburn
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Position: Small forward
Value of card: Five chess pieces carved from petrified cow dung
Key 1994-95 stat: Zero games of chess won against computer (Difficulty: Easy)
Love is a punderful thing: Jamal Mashburn may have been a king on the court early in his career, but he was a total square when it came to the ladies. He tried every gambit he could think of in his efforts to find a mate, but all his ploys were put in check, leaving him alone to buff the bishop. His teammates showed no sympathy for his lack of game, asking him, "Hey, rook, what are you, some kind of queen?" Depressed, Mashburn pawned off nearly all of his belongings and took the money to his local watering hole      a move that would change everything. Around closing time, he finally met his match: a woman as down on her luck as he was. And so it was that Jamal Mashburn finally got a piece, all thanks to a one-knight stand.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp


Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Name: Matt Morris
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three overfried Rocky Mountain oysters
Key 2002 stat: 10 terrible puns
A post for all the marbles: Matt Morris was having a monumental 2002 season, winning games, striking out hitters and controlling his balls whenever they left his hand. Though some of his boys thought he was nuts, he stuck to his routine: have eggs in the morning, toss stones in the early afternoon, exercise in strange ways focusing on the area between his legs in the late afternoon, and play with his stepchildren at night. Despite the criticism, Morris stuck to the family jewels of wisdom his father gave him: When in doubt, turn your head and cough, and never stick hooks in the tackle. Stick to those, he'd say, and you'll always pass the testes.


Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First baseman
Value of card: The little rubber "W" in in racket strings
Key 1991 stat: Never actually played tennis
Things are about to get punderful: Sure, everyone knows Hal Morris was aces at the plate, but for a long time, there was one area where he wasn't king of the court: love. He cast his net at women of all ages      40, 30, even 15 once, though her father told Hal to bounce      but he was consistently left playing with his own fuzzy balls. He aimed to serve the ladies however he could, but they would just end up taking a swing at him. His failures left him high-strung, always set on finding fault. Angry, he slammed his fist into the wall, creating quite a racket. But just when he was about to retire and play singles for the rest of his life, along came a Czechoslovakian stunner named Martina whose game was the perfect match for his own.


Ugueth Urbina, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Ugueth Urbina
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The socks off Urbina's feet
Key 1991 stat: 37 monuments visited
Today's fashion model: Feast your eyes on a man with a cannon for an arm, a man whose fashion sense is of another caliber. From parachute shirt to shoes without socks, he's firing on all cylinders. You like shiny man legs? Boom! You like windblown leopard-print shirts. Boom! You like Bermuda shorts on a Venezuelan? Boom! Now that's some explosive style. Forget the slider and splitter, Urbina's biggest weapon is obvious: It's his subtle hint of suggestion.


Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Name: Chris Hanburger (at left, we think)
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the money in a wishing well (coins excluded)
Key 1973 stat: Led the league in booty
Chris Hanburger's pep talk to his teammates in the above photo: "Men, it seems like we've been playing catch-up all season long, getting ourselves in a pickle game after game. And because we haven't been playing our buns off, our record isn't one to relish. But that doesn't mean anyone's going to come out here and let us win! Look at the Patriots, over there, thinking they can grill us even if they're dressed like a marching band and carrying a flag around. I've got a real beef with them, and you should, too! It's about time we mustered up some courage and strength, so that at the end of the day we can earn a rare victory and consider this a job well done!"


Eric Lindros, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Hockey Week No. 6)

Name: Eric Lindros
Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Position: Center
Value of card: An earful of water
Key 1992-93 stat: 310 times mistaken for Iceman from "Top Gun"
Time to drop the pun puck: Nineteen-year-old phenom Eric Lindros made quite a splash when he debuted in the National Hockey League in 1992. At 6 feet 4, 240 pounds, Lindros was a tsunami on skates, doing laps around the competition and making waves throughout the league. When he wasn't water skiing in safety-orange briefs and a two-sizes-too-small life jacket, he was rippling the back of the net with goals and making serious clams from endorsement deals. However, while he at first seemed to be coasting to the Hall of Fame, a series of concussions and other injuries started to erode his abilities. His relationship with the Flyers sank, and he floated from team to team until he finally faced the facts: He was all washed up.


Dennis Lamp, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dennis Lamp
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six burnt-out light bulbs
Key 1988 stat: 16-pound mustache
Time for a comparative pop quiz:

What's the difference between Dennis Lamp and a lamp?

(A) Sometimes, a lamp is on.
(B) A lamp always wears lampshades, not just at parties.
(C) A lamp is an inanimate object without a personality.
(D) A lamp doesn't show up to work looking like the hobo the other hobos threw off the train car because of his grooming habits, or lack thereof.
(E) All of the above, minus C.


Frank Thomas, 1992 MLB Aces ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 4)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, card player
Value of card: One flush (of a toilet)
Key 1991 stat: 4 of diamonds
Here's the deal: In the 1990s, it would have been stupid to bet against Frank Thomas. He hit jacks on the diamond, had great hands and was the king of the South Side. For the White Sox, he was a bridge to the future. At practice, he'd go all-in. Hour after hour he'd shuffle between the batting cage and the video room, looking for ways to burn the opposition and raise the team in the standings. Off the field, he'd wear diamonds to the club, break a few hearts and punch David Spade in the neck if he stepped out of line, all with a glass of gin in his hand. He wasn't afraid to make a call, and when it came to stats, he had no limits. When runs were being batted in, Thomas would always follow suit. And while he was on deck, White Sox fans thought one thing: jackpot.


Warren Moon, 1990 Score Hot Gun (Football Friday No. 134)


Name: Warren Moon
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Six drops of oil
Key 1989 stat: Zero photos that weren't blurry
Yup, it's another Wiki Entry: This is another in what is sure to become a much-loved Bust tradition. In this feature, we copy a Wikipedia entry straight from the site, and then change a few key words to make the description better fit the card. Enjoy what is sure to be the literary highlight of your day.
The Moon Wiki Entry (changes in red): Warren Moon The Moon is the only natural quarterback satellite in Houston, of the Earth, and the fifth largest dude satellite in the room. Solar System. He throws the football It is in synchronous rotation with his arm, Earth, always showing the same face with a mustache. He It is the brightest quarterback object in the league sky after Joe Montana, the Sun, although Moon's its surface is actually very dark, with a similar reflectance to coal. (Hey, blame Wikipedia.) His Its prominence in the league sky and his its regular cycle of passes phases have, since ancient times, made the Moon an important cultural influence on pulling down your pants and showing others. language, calendars, art and mythology. The Moon's gravitational influence produces lopsided victories the ocean tides and the minute lengthening of the team's time in the playoffs. day. The Moon's current bulge orbital distance, about 30 times the diameter of the Oilers logo, Earth, causes it to appear almost the same size on the bed in the sky as the pillow, Sun, allowing it to cover a woman the Sun nearly precisely in total solar eclipses.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp



Randy Ready, 1988 Topps

Name: Randy Ready
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Get "ready" for it — nothing!
Key 1987 stat: 16 real padres beaten with his "faith stick"
Ready? It's time for another pop quiz:

So, what was Randy "ready" for?

(A) Bulge contests.
(B) Swing Like an Idiot Day
(C) The Short Leg Finals.
(D) The bench.
(E) The Name Olympics.
(F) Another losing Padres season.
(G) All of the above.


Kevin Maas, 1993 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kevin Maas
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: No mas
Key 1992 stat: 12 square feet of moss growing in his backyard
Sometimes, you got to live Maas:
  • Ask this man if his uniform is tight enough. Maas, he replies.
  • Ask this man if an obscene amount of eye black is plenty. Maas, he replies.
  • Ask this man if he has done enough forearm exercises. Maas, he replies.
  • Ask this man if he needs a bigger cup. Maas, he replies.
  • Ask this man if his last name in block letters above his head is big enough. Maas, he replies.
  • Ask this man if an out-of-frame catcher should ruin another baseball card. Maas, he replies.
  • Ask this man if his 23rd Taco Bell Chalupa is his last. Maas, he replies.