Showing posts with label Bodily functions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bodily functions. Show all posts


Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame erection election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly      but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti



Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Steve Sharts, 1990 CMC (Fan Appreciation Week No. 7)

Name: Steve Sharts (yes!)
Team: Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Barrons
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half the discs from a DVD set of Season 8 of "The Office"
Key 1989 stat: Stood 5' 11" (6' 7" with hair)
Don't strain too hard over this poop pop quiz: Which statement best describes Steve Sharts' baseball career?

(A) He tried to force it on the mound.
(B) His numbers stunk to high heaven.
(C) As much talent as scouts thought he had, only a little came out.
(D) He was a stain on the Red Barons' franchise.
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Al Filipczak



Harry Colon, 1991 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 159)

Name: Harry Colon
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Safety
Value of card: 40 days and nights of laughter
Key 1991 stat: Ran around with "Colon" written on his jersey
Here's what Harry Colon stands for:

Had a knack for wiping out the competition
Athletes named after parts of the bowels are always worth a laugh
Remember how good the Patriots were in the early '90s? Neither do we.
Rectum? He damn near killed him!
Yeah, sorry. Forgot his name was Colon, not Rectum. Because that would have been ridiculous.

Clearly, this guy stunk
Oh yeah, he wasn't good at football, either
Lone break in the humiliation came when Patriots signed fullback Hugh G. Reckshon
OK, time for the moral of the story:
Nobody likes a Harry Colon

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Dave Schmidt, 1987 Topps

Name: Dave Schmidt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: One not-quite-white sock from Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: 419 bouts of gas pain
It's time once again to choose your own adventure: You are Dave Schmidt, a reliever for the Chicago White Sox. It's the second inning of a game at Detroit, and you're not feeling so hot, thanks to those two beef 'n' bean burritos you scored from the 7-Eleven for lunch. The pressure is greater than anything you've ever faced on the mound during your unremarkable career, and just when you think you're about to pass out, you instead pass gas       an incredible silent but violent bomb that brings you great relief but will soon have nearby teammates scrambling for the clubhouse. What do you do next?

To sit back knowingly and smirk like a bastard, look at the card above and then click here.
To admit responsibility and apologize to your colleagues, click here.
To flee the scene of the crime and microwave another burrito, click here.


Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set Illustration (Football Friday No. 131)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Getting hit by Lawrence Taylor
Key 1991 stat: Made at least 16 quarterbacks cry
A literal translation of the artwork on this card: Lawrence Taylor, having been covered in flour by coach Bill Parcells who demanded Taylor bake him cookies, stands in front of a large concrete wall while fighting through a stomach cramp caused by eating a bad microwave burrito from the corner 7-Eleven. He must have left his helmet in his car, but he put enough gel in his hair this morning to keep it looking fresh even when he's not.


Mike Scott, 1990 Bowman

Name: Mike Scott
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Jack spit
Key 1989 stat: Irritable bowel syndrome
Something stinks here: What's missing from the photo on this card?

A) Scott's magazine
B) A roll of TP
C) A bottle of Pepto
D) Decency
E) All of the above


Jon Matlack, 1973 Topps

Name: Jon Matlack
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One episode of "Matlock" on VHS (last five minutes erased)
Key 1972 stat: One crap given
The Caption returns: This photo and caption ran in a New York-area sports publication circa 1972 (as far as you know):

"Mets pitcher Jon Matlack wears skin-tight long sleeves while pretending so hard to throw a fastball that last night's plate of brisket comes out the emergency chute in one piece and lands on the grass several feet behind him. Matlack and his train engineer's hat were not injured in the incident, but the Mets are in the process of replacing their field's sod."


Joe Girardi, 1992 Topps

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Squat
Key 1991 stat: No shame
Fun facts about Joe Girardi's bowel movements:
  • Girardi kept a travel toilet on the field at all times, just in case. Hence, this card.
  • While using said travel toilet, Girardi would often put down the curveball sign, just to make things clear.
  • Girardi always wore his mitt and shin guards while on the crapper. And not just his one on the field.
  • Girardi's dog would often take a cue from his master, much to the groundskeepers' dismay.
  • Girardi offered use of his travel toilet to any of his teammates — but never Don Zimmer. That dude was foul.
Card courtesy of



John Urrea, 1982 Topps

Name: John Urrea
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Money pissed away
Key 1981 stat: One gold chain
That name sounds familiar: John Urrea made a splash his first year in the bigs. For the most part, the only hits he allowed were dribblers and a few balls that leaked into the outfield. He started off strong, producing a solid stream of wins. But by 1981, the last year of his career, the Padres looked to him for relief. And relieve he did. At first, he could do no wrong, leaving the team flush with saves. But the first time he got into trouble, he showed a yellow streak a mile wide. The Padres were forced to wipe their, um, hands of him.


Eric King, 1990 Bowman

Name: Eric King
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth a crap
Key 1989 stat: One disgusting pregame ritual
Eric King's train of thought from 1:03 to 1:05 p.m. June 14, 1989: "Oh, man. Oh man oh man oh man. I need to go. I need to go so bad. I can't believe Coach made me come out of the clubhouse before I finished my pregame ritual. I had to pinch it off. This isn't healthy. Why didn't I read the sign behind me? 'Take a dump before game.' Well, no turning back now. My teammates are batting. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Maybe if I reposition myself on this bench and clutch this lineup card. Ugh. No, this isn't working. Oh, man. It's happening. It's all bad. It's terrible. Oh no, it won't stop. White Sox? Sure. But definitely not white undies. Three outs? Oh, no."


Dave Winfield, 1989 Topps

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It ain't worth a crap
Key 1988 stat: 125 times defecated in dugout
A new feature: "The Caption" is new to The Bust (probably for good reason). We'll include the caption that would have appeared if the photo had run in a newspaper. Only the worst baseball card photos will get The Caption treatment. Feel free to leave your own caption as a comment to show everyone how much funnier you are than the dimwits at The Bust.
The Caption: "Dave Winfield, above, takes a crap in the New York dugout Wednesday during the Yankees' 4-2 loss to the California Angels in Anaheim, Calif. Winfield went 0-for-4. "He stunk today," Yankees first baseman Don Mattingly said of Winfield after the game."



Dave Parker, 1991 Topps Traded

Name: Dave Parker
Team: California Angels
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One vending-machine comb
Key 1990 stat: 402 bowel movements
Dave Parker's train of thought from 5:21 to 5:22 p.m., May 3, 1991: "Crap! I can't believe I got lost coming back from the bathroom. I mean, sure, I took my time, smoking cigarettes and reading my new issue of American Beard Enthusiast, but I'm the DH, dammit. I don't need to be in the dugout every inning. But here I am, the game is over, and I couldn't even find the hot dog man. This is more embarrassing than that time in Pittsburgh when I had to wear a football helmet. I hate California."


Chris Sabo, 1989 Donruss Diamond King (Atrocious Diamond Kings Week, No. 6)

Name: Chris Sabo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Third base
Value of card: Three asterisks
Key 1988 stat: Thousands of kids dropped off at pool
Bodily function king: OK, we at the Bust remember Chris Sabo's ridiculous face windshield — heck, we've written about it a handful of times — but we don't remember him making the face he's got in the smaller drawing on this card. Apparently, Diamond King master artist Perez interpreted Sabo's look of on-field concentration as one of constipation. The poor guy looks like he's about to blow an O-ring at the hot corner.