Antone Williamson, 1995 Pinnacle Draft Picks

Name: Antone Williamson
Team: Milwaukee Brewers? Not quite
Position: First base
Value of card: It's as worthless as this card is blurry
Key 1994 stat: NA
10 professions Antone Williamson was better suited for than pro baseball player:
10) No-pockets short-shorts salesman
9) High school physical education and driver's ed teacher
8) Bodybuilder so strong he ripped off the edge of his own card
7) A brewer
6) Softball beer league organizer
5) By the sound of that name, a chauffeur
4) 1994 Eastbay catalog model
3) Salami smuggler (cough, cough)
2) Your kid's Little League coach
1) Your kid's Little League teammate

Card submitted by Sean Griffin


Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 17)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A rolled-up dollar bill stuck up someone's nose
Key 1991 stat: Looked scarier in the blue uniforms
Don't be mad, it's just a pop quiz: What has angered Lawrence Taylor so?

A) Nothing, he's just re-creating the play where he ended Joe Theismann's NFL career
B) Nothing, the photographer just asked him to pretend he was having an epileptic fit
C) Nothing, he's just caught wind of one of Bill Parcells' chili farts
D) Nothing, he's actually just frightened of that levitating face mask
E) Somebody stole his Coke

George Brett, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Third base
Value of card: Half an ounce of cork
Key 1986 stat: More crevasses in face than in Grand Canyon
Closing a week of yule tide with a baffling background: The Donruss Diamond King cards are infamous for their backgrounds, from the nonsensical to the just plain boring. But what the heck is that thing on this card?

A) A blanket of flattened tennis balls
B) A green monster
C) A piece of soundproof padding from Mr. Brett's "cursing room"
D) The seventh dimension
E) A swath of the Royals' artificial turf


Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Second base
Value of card: A shard of porcelain
Key 1987 stat: Silky smooth skin
It's eyes, they follow you everywhere: Everyone is familiar with bobbleheads, the humorous little figurines given away at baseball games each year. But in 1988, the Braves decided to try something different. Inspired by second baseman Glenn Hubbard's cherubic cheeks and miniature arms, the Atlanta marketing team ordered 10,000 porcelain baby dolls fashioned to look like the athlete. The giveaways were a flop, though, as most fans were creeped out by the dolls' staring eyes and wispy mustaches. Things got worse when it was discovered that the curly hair on the figures was a fire hazard      two dozen Atlanta-area families lost their homes to the toys. One of the dolls even came to life and killed seven people. The figures were eventually recalled, but not before a bewildered amateur artist named Perez drew a series of skin-crawling portraits of the keepsakes. One of these paintings found its way into the 1988 Donruss baseball card set, giving children everywhere (and now you, too) nightmares for weeks. Sleep tight!


Goose Gossage, 1986 Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6 ounces of goose poop
Key 1985 stat: 67,832 mustache hairs grown
Fun (horrendous) facts about Goose Gossage and geese:
  • Geese are waterfowl. Goose is just foul.
  • Geese can fly. Goose's handlebar mustache is fly.
  • Geese have feathers. Goose's mullet is feathered.
  • Geese are monogamous, living in permanent pairs throughout the year. Goose is promiscuous, but he lives as a pair with a tiny version of himself.
  • Geese are known for their honking. Goose has a honkin' bulge.
  • Geese are majestic creatures whose effortless ascents into flight inspire onlookers to believe in the beauty of the natural world. Goose's name is slang for sticking your finger in someone's rump.



Kevin Mitchell, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The plaque scraped off Mitchell's gold tooth
Key 1989 stat: One catch that proved Mitchell was a man's man
10 awesome things that make this illustration awesomely horrendous:
10) The turtleneck reaching up the neck and to the heavens
9) The "Three Musketeers" facial hair
8) The wrapping paper background
7) The Jackson Pollock border
6) The Chin of Chins
5) The rarely-seen-in-nature jheri-curl man mullet
4) The finest gold tooth in all of the greater Bay Area
3) Mini-Mitchell
2) Big Mitchell
1) Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell and Mitchell


Ruben Sierra, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 19 paint chips
Key 1993 stat: 412 Puerto Rican slums owned
So, what makes this Diamond Kings card so horrendous? After years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years of similar Diamond Kings cards, Donruss changed it up in 1994. They sent out mailers to thousands of children promoting a contest with a coveted prize that set the collecting word afire: paint Ruben Sierra by the numbers and win Sierra's faux-gold jewelry. One kid told one friend, and that kid told two friends, and they told four friends, and they told eight friends, and so and so on, until 12,342,876 children entered the contest by painting Sierra by the numbers and sending in their work. Donruss was overwhelmed by the entries, so they did what any respectable card company would do: They picked the first one they saw despite what it looked like, slapped on a fake signature and shipped it to the printer.


Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Bob Horner
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: Neck roll sweat
Key 1983 stat: 219 sunburns
A Christmas present for the kiddies: And now, The Bust presents the classic children's rhyme, "Little Bob Horner."

Little Bob Horner
Was drawn in the corner
By some untalented guy
But Big Bob was livid
His anger was vivid
He punched Perez right in the eye



Ken Singleton, 1982 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Singleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 12 lead paint chips
Key 1982 stat: Low bar for Diamond Kings
Merry Christmas, and welcome to Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week: Look, we know what you're thinking. "You're giving me more Diamond Kings for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa? You guys are about as original as Adam Sandler these days." It's true, we've taken a few pokes at the work of the infamous artist Perez, but we don't think you understand how atrocious, how dreadful, how god-awful these things really were at times. So pour some extra rum in that egg nog      here we go again with the most horrendous Diamond Kings money can buy (and it can buy a lot of them).
What makes this a horrendous Diamond King: Let's start at the back. Are those just a bunch of puke-colored stripes or is that a direct ripoff of the flag of some small African nation? Moving forward, is Ken Singleton hunchbacked? What's with the lump between his right shoulder and his neck? Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure he didn't have a lazy eye, as depicted here. Of course, all of these things could be excused. It's not like we could paint Ken Singleton any better. But I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't paint him as a little white dude, as seen at bottom right. Seriously, what is Cal Ripken's face doing on Ken Singleton's body? You got his skin tone right the first time     what the hell happened with the smaller version? That's just horrendous.


Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Name: Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Two sweaty ankle socks
Key 1991 stat: One offensive decal on helmet that had to be censored
You'll put your eye out, kid: Boom, there it is. You're staring straight at it, and even though it makes you uncomfortable, you can't seem to look anywhere else. It's so large, it's casting a foot-long shadow below itself, and while it's just a silly football card, you know that you will forever be in that shadow. I mean, nobody will ever have a flat top that awesome ever again. Hold on, what were you looking at that whole time?



Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Name: Phil Clark
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Those creases would devalue the card if it weren't already worthless
Key 1992 stat: Three burnt-out marquee lightbulbs
Tigers' scouting report on "coming attraction" Phil Clark: "This guy's like a movie star; he's good at 'acting' like he can play. ... We like the 'stache, but want to see it connect to a set of lamb chops. ... His name is 'Phil'; well, he sure can 'Phil' a cup, if you know what we mean. ... Not sure about taking batting practice in a skin-tight jacket, but we do foresee hipster scumbags fighting over it 19 years from now. ... By the looks of things, it's not the first time the spotlight has been on his bulge. ... Don't worry, there's no chance he'll steal a nickname and become Phil 'The Thrill' Clark. ... Coming attraction? Doesn't appear to be in the stars."


Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

Name: Dick Shiner (stop it)
Team: Pitts. Steelers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dab of shoe polish on your khakis
Key 1969 stat: Used green-screen technology before that was a thing
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Dick Shiner, circa March 1969:
Topps photog: "OK, sir, what's your position?"
Dick Shiner: "I'm the quarterback."
TP: "OK, great. Now, go ahead and act like you're throwing a pass, and I'll take some pictures."
DS: (Poses as seen above.)
TP: "Um, you said 'quarterback,' right?
DS: "Yes, that's right."
TP: "Hmm, OK, can you try to use your natural throwing stance? This looks a little stiff."
DS: "This is my natural stance."
TP: "Even how you're holding the ball?"
DS: "Yup."
TP: "Ohhhh-kay. Well, that's all I need, then. Oh, wait, I almost forgot to get your name, sir."
DS: "My name's Dick Shiner."
TP: "Excuse me?"
DS: "Dick. Shiner. S-H-I-N-E-R."
TP: "Sir, children collect these cards, so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me your actual name."
DS: (Pulls out driver's license, brusquely hands it to photog.)
TP: "Wow. You sure you wouldn't rather go by 'Richard'?"
DS: "No. People call me Dick, you little punk."
TP: "Right. You know, I'm sure they do."


B.J. Surhoff, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Name: B.J. Surhoff
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Outfield, third base
Value of card: A pair of broken glasses
Key 1996 stat: Team name on jersey and player's name on card written in same typeface
One-eyed monster: B.J. Surhoff is ready for his eye exam, so here we go.

B. J.
N A M E.  W H E R E
E V E R  D I D  Y O U R  M O M  G E T
T H E  I D E A  F O R  I T?  O H,  W A I T,  W E   C A N  G U E S S.



Nolan Ryan, 1990 Nolan Knows

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Cowboy, ace
Value of card: A tumbleweed
Key 1989 stat: Waist of pants 1/2-inch below belly button
It's an Old West pop quiz: Um, what does Nolan know, exactly?

A) Why the caged bird sings
B) How to hitch his britches up higher than yours
C) What Robin Ventura's tears taste like
D) What you did last summer
E) Why they call it a 10-gallon hat
F) How to pull off a Canadian tuxedo
G) How to have a longer career than Bo



Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 pimples
Key 1987 stat: Best bangs this side of the Pecos
Steady your stomachs, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook your very own Mike TenderLoynd.

2 tbsp. Proactiv pimple cream
1 lb. unseasoned horse loin
1 rubber arm
4 oz. ear wax
1 can of Ranch Style Beans
Dash of eyebrow (extra thick)

Rub the Proactiv into one side of the horse loin until it disappears, then beat weakly with the rubber arm. Throw the loin into a dirty pot with the other ingredients, then simmer on medium-low heat for 26 games or until ERA reaches 6.00. Plate and then serve to the opposing team, as they always feast on Loynd.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp


Dick Pole, 1980 TCMA

Name: Dick Pole (Yes!)
Team: Beavers (Yes!)
Position: Ask your sister (Yes!)
Value of card: Priceless
Key 1979 stat: One moment in time where, thank the sweet lord, perfection was achieved
10 reasons this is the best card ever:
10) Apologies,
9) dear readers,
8) can't process information
7) on what might be ...
6) the best card ever,
5) because
4) brain — pop! — exploded
3) huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh


Thomas Everett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 15)

Name: Thomas Everett
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Safety
Value of card: Two cat's eye marbles
Key 1990 stat: 28-inch right biceps; 16-inch left biceps
Schoolyard talk with Mr. Everett: "What's up, kids? I'm Steelers safety Thomas Everett, and I'm a competitive guy. You want to race me on the monkey bars? You have no chance. You want a monkey-bar chicken fight? You'll go crying home to Mommy. You want play some marbles? I have a couple of steelies that will smash into your boulders before I snatch your whole collection. How about we climb a rope? I'm already at the top. A tree? I already broke off the branches and built a house. You want to see me on the slides? I have photo slides of my slides that show me sliding better than you've ever slid. Biker shorts contest? Look down; you already lost. See these lines in my hair? They represent the kids I already sent home with tears in their eyes and fear in their hearts. You don't want to see me on the playground, son. For real."


Brian Kowitz, 1992-93 Fleer Excel

Name: Brian Kowitz
Team: Durham Bulls
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A broken Betamax copy of "Bull Durham"
Key 1992 stat: Neither hand fully photographed on this card
Just a minor question: What's Brian Kowitz about to catch?

A) Judging from the stains on that wall, hepatitis
B) Something from the back end of a bull
C) A 10-game big-league career
D) Yet another insult from the fans, once they show up
E) All of the above


Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Name: Buster Rhymes
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Positions: Wide receiver, kick returner
Value of card: Rhymes with "lack spit"
Key 1986 stat: Can't spell "Buster" without "Bust"
Top R&B hits by part-time pro athlete Buster Rhymes:
  • "Woo Hah!! Got Me on the Bench"
  • "Pass the Gatorade (Part II)"
  • "Turn it Over / Fire it Up"
  • "(The Ball, I Never) Touch It"
  • "What's it Gonna Be?! (An Incompletion)"



Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers; Texas Equestrian League Gallopers
Positions: Ace; atop a four-legged animal
Value of card: Three hooves
Key 1990 stat: 121 prairies meandered through
It's time for a man-vs.-animal edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Massive, gleaming teeth too big for their mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Wearing pageant accessories for a lame photo shoot (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Often sleeps in a hay-covered and feces-strewed stable (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Was said to be "Participating in a Cutting horse contest" but wasn't really doing so (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Ate oats for every meal (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Looking like an ass (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Penchant for crapping wherever he pleases (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan zero, horse zero, ties 7

Synopsis: In what fans would think would be an easy win for the horse, Ryan shows he's tough to beat when a night with a mare is on the line.


Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Second base, about to get strangled by a snake
Value of card: 1 square inch of shedded snake skin from 1984
Key 1983 stat: Scared 15,920 children
Nothing to see here: In 1983, the Atlanta Braves went all out to celebrate all-star second baseman Glenn Hubbard's birthday. Before a road game in Philadelphia, the Braves enlisted the help of the Phillie Phanatic, a homeless man in a Barney Rubble costume, the Fleer photography staff, the Eastern Seaboard's best balloon "artist" and a snake handler named Xeres to honor their hirsute teammate. The festivities were going fine until Xeres placed a 12-foot-long boa constrictor on Hubbard's shoulders. The second baseman stood petrified, his beady eyes crying for help while he put on his best smile for the Fleer photographer. But things took a turn for the ugly when the boa mistook Hubbard's sizable beard and hairstyle for another reptile and mated with his face. Both terrified and aroused, Hubbard lost consciousness and had to be revived by the Phanatic, who threw a bucket of confetti on him.


Jose Rijo, 1997 Topps

Name: Jose "Hose-ay" Rijo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Groundskeeper
Value of card: A drink from Jose's hose
Key 1996 stat: 162 basepaths raked
Not-so-key contributor: Reds pitcher Jose Rijo missed the entire 1996 season (and the four seasons after that) because of a serious elbow injury. However, that didn't keep Rijo away from Riverfront Stadium. The hurler would work on rehabbing his arm in the morning and then make his way to the ballpark in the afternoon, where he would don a groundskeeper's outfit and grab a hose, just to be part of the team. Rijo would then merrily make his way around the infield, spraying as he went. None of his teammates had the heart to tell the poor guy that the field's surface was Astroturf.


Rick Aguilera, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Aguilera
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One vacant expression
Key 1988 stat: 28 innings pitched in Major League Baseball's "mannequin game"
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

What was Aguilera taking a gander at when this photo was taken?

A) A beer salesman hitting cans to fans with a fungo.
B) A merchandise vendor selling New York Knicks warmup jerseys like the one Aguilera is wearing.
C) A fan mimicking Aguilera's rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot."
D) The Jumbotron's close-up of Aguilera's man mat.
E) All of the above, all at once.

Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam


Timm Rosenbach, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 14)

Name: Timm Rosenbach
Team: Arizona Cardinals
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 cactus needles
Key 1990 stat: 17 cacti-related injuries
Timm Rosenbach is posing with a cactus; here are some other iconic Arizona symbols Rosenbach posed with:
  • The Grand Canyon
  • A roadrunner
  • The Arizona flag
  • A bolo tie
  • An intense sun producing unbearable heat
  • 12 shirtless, golden-brown elderly white men
  • A pile of 239,975,134 grains of sand blown into town in the latest sandstorm
  • An unshaven, unemployed father of two who's the victim of a stagnant economy
  • An air conditioner broken from overuse
  • Brandi "Grand" Canyons, a Tucson stripper at Big Al's Topless Bar
  • A van full of illegal immigrants speeding away from a van full of racist government officials
  • 1,012 Arizonans named Tim who spell their names properly



Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Name: Andy McGaffigan
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Being an Expos fan watching the Nationals win the NL East
Key 1987 stat: Zero splinters from the fake wood paneling behind him
Andy McGaffigan      the good, the bad and the ugly:

Good: Spiffy 3.38 career ERA; a mustache that Sam Elliott would be proud of
Bad: Bouncing around between six teams in 11 years; not having teeth
Ugly: Well, just look at the poor bastard


Bill Bradley, 1974 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 143)

Name: Bill Bradley
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Safety
Value of card: $14.95 coupon for shower drain unclogging
Key 1973 stat: 26 disco infernos
Introducing ... The Soaring Mushroom®: Few men are authors, style mavens and all-pro football players, but Bill Bradley was such a man. Bradley was not the author of books, but of vicious hits and a signature hairstyle. Of course, no one can forget The GreatScott®,  The Greasy Earmuffs® or The SaberMullet®, three all-time classics. But Bradley broke the mold by growing a hairdo that looked like it was formed in a mold, and his contribution to the world of high hair fashion lives on till this day. The Soaring Mushroom®'s utility lies in its curls; they cradle the head and act as protection from injury. Bradley understood this better than anyone, having never worn a helmet during his football career. Besides its functional benefits, the Soaring Mushroom® is glamorous. It whisks its wearer away to a fantasyland of slight breezes, shirtless gladiators and contemptuous fungi. It elicits long-hidden emotions that encourage a man to grow a bushy mustache to more resemble a schnauzer. It helps Eagles — especially safetys — soar. And it doesn't at all make a 1970s tough guy look like a 1990s unfunny comedian.


Randy Braun, 1990 CMC

Name: Randy Braun
Team: Indianapolis Indians
Position: Infield
Value of card: Two chunks of dried lacquer from a cigar store Indian
Key 1989 stat: Eight "driples" (official scorecard doubles when thrown out trying to take third)
Montreal Expos' scouting report on minor-leaguer Randy Braun: "Clearly his last name is a misnomer. ...  Doesn't mind playing on a team with an even more racist and less artistic American Indian logo than we see in Cleveland. ... We'll need to remind him his pocket protector isn't part of the uniform. ... Might have a future as our minor league mustache coordinator. ... Fills our quota of gingers; oh, wait, we don't want any gingers. ... With a little work, we can turn his tuft of bangs into the beginnings of an Indian feather. ... If his elf ears are any indication, he might have magical powers. ... His eyes are the color of mine if I were to tell you that he had a shot at the big leagues."


Bip Roberts, 1996 Score Artist's Proof

Name: Bip Roberts
Teams: San Diego Padres, Tijuana Torerros
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 pesos
Key 1995 stat: Nada
10 things Bip Roberts regrets from his trip to Mexico:
10) Getting those eye black tattoos.
9) Riding around town on a Tijuana zebra.
8) Spending a week there one night.
7) Getting "Bipped" in an alley behind a tourist bar.
6) Buying that fake gold necklace from a guy who kept calling him "Meester Robert"
5) The chimichangas that nearly killed him.
4) Nothing, until he saw this photo.
3) Having to explain to everyone that he plays on a baseball team called the Dads.
2) Blacking out and waking up with the name "Bip."
1) Misplacing his baseball cap.


Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 crotch-ripped pairs of baseball pants
Key 1990 stat: Scotts Miracle-Gro-sponsored Best Batter's Backyard contest runner-up
Advice the Giants' strength and conditioning coach gave Mitchell in the 1991 offseason:
  • "You need to stop gorging yourself on chili dogs in the weight room."
  • "You shouldn't order more 100-pound plates for the squat rack." 
  • "Mixing in a little upper-body work won't hurt ya, Mitch."
  • "Yes, those pants make your butt look big. Any pants make your butt look big."
Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam



Jeff Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reed
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One broken reed from an oboe
Key 1988 stat: One red batting glove, one blue batting glove
Let's poke some holes in this guy's story with a pop quiz: We see "ou," but what's the full slogan on Jeff Reed's undershirt?

A) Double Weight Eyeglass Depot
B) You Can't Make Me Get A Haircut
C) You Shouldn't Mesh With Me, Buddy
D) Soup Is Delicious
E) International House of Aftershave


Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Name: Andy Heck
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a whole heck of a lot
Key 1991 stat: Zero carbon footprint
Clearing up some rumors about Andy Heck:
  • Andy Heck did not use overly dramatic lighting for this photo shoot. Rather, he was energy-conscious before it was cool.
  • Andy Heck did not have trouble lifting those 50-pound weights. He did, apparently, have trouble putting them back when he was done. How about a little common courtesy, bro?
  • Andy Heck did have eyes. But they really bulged out when he was lifting. It was disconcerting.
  • Andy Heck's real name was actually Andy Hell. He was just always so darned polite that he could never bring himself to say it.
  • Andy Heck's shirt really is soaked with sweat in the above photo, but not due to physical exertion. It's because he's terrified of the dark.



Zane Smith, 1989 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than dirt — Atlanta dirt
Key 1988 stat: 12 American Indian feathers worn — in jockstrap
Here's what Zane Smith stands for:

Zany in more ways than Juan
Another mulleted starter in the late 1980s
Never met a swamp he didn't swim in
Endless ridicule for senior-citizen stirrups

Snaggletooth was an endearing quality
Mascot seems to be laughing at its own racism
Imitation-gold necklace sure is shiny
Tan was his state of mind
Hated the name "Zane"; preferred the name "Mane"


Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Name: Mel Renfro
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 25 cents off a prescription order of Propecia
Key 1974 stat: Blinded 12 receivers with the shine off his head
Top 10 nicknames for Mel Renfro and his hair(line):
10) Baldy Does Dallas
9) The 400-Head
8) The Pleasure Dome
7) The Helmet Under The Helmet
6) Baldilocks
5) Mr. Aerodynamic
4) No-Cover Corner
3) The Black Kojak
2) Mel Pattern Baldness
1) Mel Non-fro


Gene Nelson, 1987 Topps

Name: Gene Nelson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A homeless guy's cardboard "Will work for food" sign
Key 1986 stat: One full nelson
Top 10 things found in Gene Nelson's beard:
10) A mountain goat
9) The leavings of said mountain goat
8) Gene's genes
7) Half a can of chew
6) Half a can of Ranch Style Beans
5) The sexiest damn chin in the American League
4) White socks, none of them clean
3) Steak sauce
2) Gene Nelson's pet sparrow, Chico
1) Two tickets to paradise


Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Joey Cora
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: An apple in the road that's been run over twice
Key 1993 stat: At least one time lying down on the job
Here's another Caption, which may have run in a South Side newspaper in 1993: "Photographer Jack Coughlin experiments with his new zoom lens while taking a terrible picture of White Sox second baseman Joey Cora applying a late tag to a baserunner during Tuesday's game. We apologize to our readers."


John Finn, 1992 Classic Best

Name: John Finn
Team: El Paso Diablos
Position: Second base
Value of card: Ticket for a free drink at Lloyd's Pub in El Paso
Key 1991 stat: His best stat in 1992 was the year
Milwaukee Brewers' scouting report on prospect John Finn: "Like his 'stache; it's straighter than his swing. ... Definitely not the hottest thing in El Paso. ... He'll have a 'devil' of a time doing anything on the Diablos. ... His name is 'John.' That's appropriate. ... Doesn't 'Finn' mean 'the end' in one of those European languages? That's appropriate, too. ... Does a heckofa job taping his wrists. Maybe we could use him on our trainer team. ... He wears his hat like jerks will in 20 years. ... We heard he's going to be featured on a Classic Best card. We'd call that a misnomer squared."


Barry Jones, 1989 Donruss

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two rolls of overexposed negatives
Key 1988 stat: Two cards, one face, one pose
A salute to Barry Jones: Barry Jones is a Bust favorite. Sure, he's a little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33, but he's our little-known pitcher who finished his career 33-33. He looks like he just woke up on the wrong side of a 12-day bender, and he's the only player in Major League Baseball history whose pits smelled so bad every one of his baseball cards was a revolting scratch-and-sniff. His mustache tumbles over his lips like the Pacific's waves break over the soft sand and his chest hair reaches for the sky, just like the man himself. He was voted the whitest of the Sox and would brag to strangers about the rare occasion when he would wash his hair. But most of all, he commanded respect, which can be seen in this portrait that Donruss must have noticed was crooked, ill-composed and out of focus but didn't care enough about Jones to reshoot.


Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 1 bushel of shaved leg hair
Key 1990 stat: Despite what you'd think, zero hours playing futbol
Here are some addictions Anderson kicked after this card was printed:
  • His addiction to short-shorts.
  • His addiction to combing his hair.
  • His addiction to the ThighMaster.
  • His addiction to stuffing his pants with a third massive sock.
  • His addiction to one-bar helmets.
  • His addiction to dressing like this when he went clubbin'.
  • His addiction to crushing men's skulls between his power-pole thighs.
  • His addiction to kicking addictions.


Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Name: Dmitri Young (still)
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Temporary blindness
Key 2001 stat: Dirt in mouth for the next three days
Mr. Young gets The Caption treatment: "Cincinnati Reds outfielder Dmitri 'Da Meat Hook' Young watches his helmet tumble away while simultaneously sliding into third base through a pile of kitty litter and doing the dance known as the worm. After the game, Young said he was planning to patent the maneuver, which he called 'The Slirm,' and hire a stable of semi-literate attorneys to threaten creators of the television show 'Futurama' with a copyright-infringement lawsuit."


Dmitri Young, 2008 Bowman (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 6)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: The jelly from a jelly doughnut, spilled on the floor
Key 2007 stat: Led the league in table muscle
Weight for it: There's no denying that toward the end of his career, Dmitri Young started carrying a few extra pounds. In fact, he was such a nice guy, he even carried his teammates' extra pounds, too. But that didn't hamper his 2007 season. Dmitri hit .320 (at least 40 points better than his weight), scored 57 runs (frightened catchers often refused to block the plate) and even recorded a triple. No, not a triple bypass      an actual triple! Those 13 homers he hit were just gravy. Mmm, gravy. So hats off to you, Dmitri Young, for putting the "ton" in "Washington Nationals."


Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Third base
Value of card: A soiled towel
Key 1992 stat: Never stopped smiling
Dmitri Young gets the Weird Al treatment, to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy":
Here's a little song 'bout a bloke
If you watch him play, you'll need a smoke
Don't worry; be happy 
Warning track power caused him trouble 
What should have been homers were just doubles 
Don't worry; be happy
Ain't got no place but on the bench
Fans say his play gives off a stench 
Don't worry; be happy 
The manager say your swing is late 
You, for assignment, he might designate
Don't worry; be happy
No, don't worry; be happy now...


Dmitri Young, 1997 Fleer New Horizon (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 4)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Three burnt-out neon bulbs
Key 1996 stat: Zero dollars in Nike endorsements despite wearing Nike gear
Time for a pop quiz focusing on our best buddy:

What "new horizon" did Dmitri Young reach in 1997?

(A) He graduated "Doughnut cum Laude" from Dunkin' University in the offseason.
(B) He was given a promotion to become director of cheesy neon at Bright Ideaz Lighting in St. Louis.
(C) He was named "Player with the Reddest Jersey in Frickin' History" by the Blind Baseball Writers of America.
(D) He was included in one of the most ill-thought-out subsets in Fleer's history.
(E) All of the above.


Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: If a loaf of bread is a nickel and a Coca-Cola costs 1 cent, it's less than worthless
Key 1901 stat: 345 games played before World War I
Where he's going, he doesn't need roads: One moment, Dmitri Young was playing in a game against the Indians in 2001. The next moment, the delicate balance between time and space was thrown off and Young was teleported to 1901, when many Indians still hunted bison in their native lands. Here he was, playing vintage "base ball" in an unfamiliar time against such players as Big Ed Delahanty, Turkey Stearns, Orator Jim O'Rourke, Amos "The Hoosier Thunderbolt" Rusie and Cyclone Joe Williams. These players had never seen a competitor like Young, a man with so much power, so much swagger, and so much necklace. Young played against these great athletes, dominating with every swing of the bat, every throw in the field. He would score many an "ace" (run), imploring the "cranks" (fans) to yell "Huzzah!" (hooray!) He was the ultimate "muckle" (power hitter) who thrilled the throngs with four-basers (home runs). But it wasn't his play that became his legacy; it was his role as the inventor of the afro that earned him timeless credit.


Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a 3-day-old cheese zombie from a high school garbage bin
Key 1991 stat: B-minus in Algebra I
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on "top prospect" Dmitri Young: "This kid's got more tape than a 3M salesman. ... We're expecting him to perform in high school as well as he has in junior high. ... It would be great if we knew more about him, but we can't identify what team he plays on. ... Cummerbund points to pronounced patriotism. ... By the look of this photo, he's 47 feet tall. That's a big plus. ... We're concerned with how he'll adapt to a big-league city after playing in Amish country. ... If that's his batting stance we have a lot of work to do."


Dmitri Young, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up! (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 1)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: SXX5S9WZ9, which equals nothing
Key 2003 stat: 100 (not sure of what, but figure it's important because it's on the front of the card)
Welcome to Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week: A few months ago, Dmitri Young let us know in no uncertain terms that he held The Bust in about as high of esteem as Tigers fans held Mr. Young after his last few mediocre seasons in Detroit. Mr. Young didn't like this post, you see, and he let us know. We respect that. The jokes are about as lackluster as Mr. Young's seasons with the Washington Nationals. So we intend to prove to Mr. Young that we can do better. We'll spend this Thanksgiving week showing him just how thankful we are for his opinion. We appreciate the constructive criticism, Mr. Young.
10 reasons Mr. Young's head is so big:
10) He was trying to draw attention away from such an amateur card background.
9) It's not; he was afflicted with the exceedingly rare Shrinking Body Disease.
8) He mistook the Upper Deck's "power up" instructions
7) He would do anything to show off his awesome goatee.
6) He just liked how funny his little arms looked in comparision.
5) He looked at a star player's stats and got them confused with his own.
4) He was the Tigers' DH: Deformed Head.
3) He misunderstood a teammate's slump-breaking advice to "get more head."
2) He was auditioning for a spot in "NBA Jam."
1) He saw The Bust was profiling him for a full week.


Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Name: Darryl Talley
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One shirt, half off
Key 1991 stat: Much to be ashamed of
Darryl Talley's train of thought leading up to this photo shoot, June 17, 1991: "All right, photo time. Let's run down the checklist. Mustache finely groomed? Check. Bare-midriff shirt that I borrowed from one of the cheerleaders yesterday? Check. Most crotch-hugging pair of shorts I could pull on? Check. Belly button out? Check. Ability to put my hands on my hips, making it look like I have weird dents in my forearms? Check. Yes, let's do this!"


Pat Rapp, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Pat Rapp
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not even the wrapping it came in
Key 1995 stat: Zero hip-hop listened to
Time for a Fish quiz: Why is Pat Rapp so filthy?

A) Definitely not because of his pitching
B) Pregame wrestling bout with Billy the Marlin
C) He fell asleep on the basepaths. Literally.
D) Duh, he's from the Dirty South.
E) A, B and C


Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Name: Plaxico Burress
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Pigskin rash
Key rookie year stat: Felt comfortable wearing that headband at a photo shoot
Clearing up some rumors about this photo of Plaxico Burress:
  • Plaxico Burress is not baked here. He is just squinting because his headband is too colorful.
  • Burress did not sew himself a blanket of footballs. He's using them as a flak jacket so that he doesn't shoot himself.
  • Burress did not consent to having this photo taken. It's just part of rookie hazing.
  • Burress is not using a portable cooler as a backrest. Wait, yeah, actually, we think he is. That's weird.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com



Felix Martinez, 2001 Topps

Name: Felix Martinez
Team: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Shortstop, derp base
Value of card: Ever heard of Felix the Cat? Something from his litter box
Key 2000 stat: Face froze like that
Felix Martinez by the numbers:

75: Percent of the word "derp" spelled out on his uniform
100: Percent derp on his face
4: Square feet of crotch in this photo
5: Seasons spent in the majors
1: Seasons in which he hit better than .226
0: Winning seasons for the Rays during his time there
0: Surprise about that last fact