Showing posts with label Blind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blind. Show all posts


Jorge Campos, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Jorge Campos
Team: Mexico
Position: Goalkeeper
Value of card: Two diamonds (shapes, not jewels)
Key 1993 stat: Often ran around with his arms extended, making airplane noises
This one's worth three points: How did Jorge Campos stop opponents from scoring?

A) By dressing like a clown, causing them to laugh themselves silly
B) By dressing like a clown, causing them to flee in terror
C) By wearing a jersey 12 sizes too big that acted like its own net
D) By blinding everyone in the stadium
E) All of the above


Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 7)

Name: Dmitri Young (still)
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Temporary blindness
Key 2001 stat: Dirt in mouth for the next three days
Mr. Young gets The Caption treatment: "Cincinnati Reds outfielder Dmitri 'Da Meat Hook' Young watches his helmet tumble away while simultaneously sliding into third base through a pile of kitty litter and doing the dance known as the worm. After the game, Young said he was planning to patent the maneuver, which he called 'The Slirm,' and hire a stable of semi-literate attorneys to threaten creators of the television show 'Futurama' with a copyright-infringement lawsuit."


Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cold ramen broth
Key 1988 stat: Constantly hungry
Actual conversation between giant Dave Henderson and tiny Dave Henderson:
Tiny Hendu: "Hey, where'd my mustache go?"
Giant Hendu: "I'm going to eat you!"
TH: "Holy Jeebus, it's a giant me!"
GH: "Here I come, comin' to eat you!"
TH: "Ah, crap. Maybe I can blend into the background? Um, never mind. Christ, there are enough colors there to make Skittles. ... Wait, maybe ... (Scurries around behind Giant Hendu). Hey, over here, dummy!"
GH: (Turns around, facing hideous background) "Arrrrrrggghh! Hendu's eyes — burning! Can't see! Blinded by multi-colored arrows! Arrrghhh!" (Trips and falls)
TH: (Stabs tiny bat into Giant Hendu's eye, killing him) "Take that, you big freak! You ain't gonna eat nothin'! ... And give me back my mustache!"


Jerry Rice, 1990 Action Packed (Football, er, Sunday No. 50)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers(TM)
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One bug-ridden box of Uncle Ben's
Key 1989 stat: Zero things seen
In the headlines: Blind receiver elected to Pro Football Hall of Fame
This quiz is totally trademarked:

What's going on here?

(A) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself to level the playing field.
(B) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself because his face is trademarked.
(C) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself to avoid the glare off Joe Montana's winning smile.
(D) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself for dirty, dirty reasons that can't be repeated here.
(E) Jerry Rice has blindfolded himself because of all of the above.


Mike LaValliere, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Mike LaValliere aka Spanky the Blind Catcher
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Blind catcher
Value of card: "I would give anything to see the world, if only for a moment, one more time."
Key 1991 stat: Zero seconds of sight
A tale of triumph: This is the story of Mike LaValliere, better known around the land as Spanky the Blind Catcher. Spanky was born to a French father and Polish mother in a log cabin in the North Carolina wilderness. As a child, his resemblance to a "Little Rascals" character earned him the nickname "Spanky." A few months later, he went blind, earning him the nickname "Blindy." Blindy soon developed a love for baseball, and his future as a catcher was cemented at age 9, when he tried to eat a catcher's mitt, thinking it was a pork chop. He soon started playing catch with his father, though this mainly involved his father throwing the ball at him, the ball hitting him in the chest or face, and Spanky rooting around on the ground like a legless pig searching for the ball. But these joyful games of catch toughened up Spanky, and because of that and his tireless training and eating habits, he earned a spot on his high school baseball team. He played second base. The actual base, not the position. But Spanky practiced and practiced and soon started playing catcher, developing a knack for hearing the rotation of the pitch and positioning his glove accordingly. He was drafted and worked his way to the major leagues. Off the field, he used a cane. But on the field, his play was uncanny.