Showing posts with label Clones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clones. Show all posts


Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Phils Hiatts
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Kansas City Royals and Kansas City Royals
Positions: Third base, third base, and 3B
Value of card: Three doll hairs (It only took 698 posts to pull out that tired childhood joke.)
Key 1992 stat: Three dudes, lying on one another
The caption: "Phil Hiatt, right, dives for a ball hit down the third-base line while lying on top of Phil Hiatt, center, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line while gently placing his genitals on the rear end of Phil Hiatt, left, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line in an attempt to hide his on-field arousal."



Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Andre "The Hawk" Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: An afternoon of laughter by teammates
Key 1992 stat: 239 clumsy stumbles
The Hawk says it's pop quiz time:

What caused Andre Dawson to fall?

(A) His massive flip-up glasses weighed him down.
(B) He was attacked by a hawk that didn't approve of his nickname.
(C) It's not Dawson; it's three players dressed like him whose homoerotic conga line went wrong.
(D) At his advanced age, he mistook a brick wall for third base.
(E) He slipped on the tears of title drought-weary Cubs fans.
(F) All of the above.



Fernando Valenzuela, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 3 pesos
Key 1990 stat: 248 pounds + 248 pounds + 248 pounds moving toward the plate
10 reasons this card is awesome:
10) It's a Fernando fiesta.
9) Math teacher glasses look radical on professional athletes.
8) That's 744 pounds of mighty Mexican on the mound.
7) Three times the bulge for the ladies.
6) It's always great to see a muscular, well-conditioned athlete plying his trade.
5) The only thing better than two Fernandos? That's right. Three Fernandos!
4) One Fernando is reaching for the dingus of another Fernando.
3) It's awesome because you're on acid.
2) He has butt handles (left Fernando), not love handles.
1) He's moving faster than the speed of salsa.



Kevin Mitchell, 1987 Fleer Traded

Names: Kevin Mitchell, Kevin Mitchell
Teams: San Diego Padres, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Third base, left field
Value of card: Top half, 3 cents; bottom half, lint
Key 1987 stat: Two Mitchells, one (Bust) cup
Clone wars: Kevin Mitchell started 1987 on the Padres roster. He had a smooth swing, a bad attitude and two gold teeth. He spoke in the third person and wore more jewelry than Mr. T. His attitude, by most accounts, was hurting the Padres' camaraderie and playoff chances. So what did he do? No, he didn't ask for a trade at midseason, he played for two teams at once under the guise that he had cloned himself. "I told them suits, 'Kevin Mitchell made me another Kevin Mitchell,'" Kevin Mitchell told Sports Illustrated in 1990. "I stood next to a mirror in my house and took a picture. I shows it to 'em, and say, ' Ya see. Two Kevin Mitchells. It's too good to be true.'" Mitchell proceeded to sign his second self, which was really his first and only self, to a contract with the Giants. For a while, he flew from one game to another, sometimes missing a few innings or the last game of a road trip. But when the Giants and Padres played each other late in the season, Mitchell had to resort to Plan B: buy two gold teeth and ship them to a doppelganger with a similar attitude and a bit more power, but not much of an arm.



Jose Rijo, 1994 Fleer Ultra Strikeout King

Name: Joses Rijo
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three anythings
Key 1993 stat: 3-D
Three of a kind: Joses Rijo had an impressive 1994. Why, you ask? Well, because he brought two of his clones to the mound with him every game. Rijo was known for his above-average fastball. Clone No. 1 had a dominating slider. Clone No. 2's specialty was a knuckler. Rijo was from the Dominican Republic and spoke Spanish. Clone No. 1 spoke Japanese. Clone No. 2 spoke no harm of anyone. Rijo spent his nights reading and hanging out with his family. Clone No. 1 spent his nights curled up by a warm fire, wearing only his emotions. Clone No. 2 spent his nights snorting cocaine and mingling with common street scum. Despite their differences, Joses were a force on the mound, sometimes getting three strikes on a single swing. This pitching prowess earned Joses the obvious nickname "Cy-clones." No one thought it was funny.