Showing posts with label Stud. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stud. Show all posts


Antonio Borges, 1986-87 Panini (World Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Antonio (or just A.) Borges
Team: Braga, bro
Position: Stud
Value of card: Impossible to determine something of such immense value
Key 1985-86 stat: 212 beauty contests won
Gaze upon it: Have you ever seen such handsomeness crammed into one man? We think not. Borges was more than a star international athlete. He was pure sex appeal. Thousands of women would kill for his hair, and many thousands more would kill for a night with him. His mustache would make Magnum P.I. crawl into the fetal position and cry for a razor. Each eyebrow could have been a lesser man's beard. Each face wrinkle told the tale of a hundred sultry nights in Monaco, Milan and all points in between. This was A. Borges: A. Lothario bathed in hair.


Pascual Perez, 1990 Bowman

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A smile so bright
Key 1989 stat: 1,000 things to be happy about
It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Pascual Perez smiling?

(A) The fake gold from his incisor is seeping into his brain
(B) That's not a jacket he's wearing; it's a full body suit, and the zipper goes all the way down
(C) He's stoned out of his mind, hence the alternate reality behind him
(D) He's part of the Jheri Curl All-Stars
(E) It feels good to be handsome
(F) All of the above



John Kruk, 1987 Topps

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four cans of Keystone Ice
Key 1986 stat: One paunch
Virility, redefined: This, my friends, is a baseball player. The slumped shoulders, the protruding gut, the complete lack of muscle tone, the blank stare, the pasty skin — all of it adds up to the perfect athlete. John Kruk could mow through a pitching staff just as easily as he could pound a turkey leg. What's most impressive is how Kruk kept his Adonis-like form throughout his playing days — while adding stunning hairstyles — and even into a broadcasting gig once his playing days were over. Cheers, John Kruk!


Derrick Alexander, 1994 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 16)

Name: Derrick Alexander
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: One night at the Ramada in Boca Raton
Key 1993 stat: 7,126 chest hairs
Time for another pop quiz:

What was Alexander doing when this photo was taken?

(A) Harvesting coffee beans with his great-uncle, Juan Valdez.
(B) Attending the "Fourth Annual Hunks with Bleached Goatees Convention" in Key West.
(C) Staring into the depths of a life filled with promise only to find disappointment and promises unkept.
(D) Just basking, baby. Just basking.
(E) Posing for a ridiculous football card, sans pants.



Tom Glavine, 1991 Studio

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: $14.95 GlamourShots gift certificate
Key 1990 stat: One mullet, many names
Business up front, party in the back: Tom Glavine liked his hockey cut so much in 1991, he decided to have it forever emblazoned on a baseball card. "Make sure you get my neck feathers in the shot," he told the photographer. "The kids love my Camaro cut." But Glavine's mud flap didn't impress everyone. "I always thought his Kentucky waterfall was a little childish," future teammate Greg Maddux told a reporter in 1989. Despite the critics, women swooned. "I want to feel your beaver paddle brush against my cheek in the throes of passion," a female fan screamed at a game in 1990. Interactions like that made Glavine grow conceited. In fact, the moment the above photo was taken Glavine yelled at the photographer, "Don't you dare stare at my Long Island ice tease."



Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach, Mark McGwire 1989 Fleer

Names: Jose Canseco, from left, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield, catcher, first base, respectively
Value of card: Do I hear $4? How 'bout $3. Twooo dollahs, two dollahs. Do I hear $1.50?
Key 1988 stat: One bachelor auction bash
Measuring up: The A's sluggers of the late 1980s were competitive. They challenged one another to eating contests. They challenged one another to races. They challenged one another to show, once and for all, who could inject the most steroids. But the competition reached its pinnacle when Jose Canseco, Terry Steinbach and Mark McGwire entered themselves in a bachelor auction. Canseco sent in a photo of himself shirtless. Steinbach sent in 40 strands of chest hair tied with a ribbon. McGwire sent in a Big Mac with a photo of his face between the meat and the bun. All three were given entry based on their submissions. The women of the Bay Area waited with bated breath for the auction.
The big night: Canseco, Steinbach and McGwire were backstage in their uniforms, oozing confidence, standing in front of a fake background of the Oakland Coliseum. Then, between auctioning off a high-powered lawyer and basketball heartthrob Kurt Rambis, the auctioneer approached the Triple A's. "Well, we have your heights, weights and occupations," she said, "but we're missing measurements for, ahem, that certain something." Canseco puffed out his chest. Steinbach turned white. McGwire looked down his pants. "That's right, boys," the auctioneer said. "You have to measure up before you take my stage." The players' competitive edges took control. The Triple A's pulled out their manhoods, as seen above. The auctioneer giggled, gave them a Triple F and told them to hit the showers.



George Bell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jorge "George" Bell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $19.95! Wait! If you act now, two bottles for $12.95!
Key 1991 stat: 144 ounces of jheri curl juice
Just let your sooooooul glow, baby: Jorge "George" Bell was good-looking and he knew it. He had women in every American League town and at every port in his native Dominican Republic. But when he lost his swagger on the diamond after the 1990 season, he lost his swagger with the ladies, as well. Enter: Soul Glo. Bell first heard of the classic hair product in 1988's Eddie Murphy vehicle, "Coming to America." At first, he thought it was a fictitious product. Then he saw a bottle of Soul Glo on a drug-store shelf. It spoke to him, "Comprame, Jorge, comprame." ("Buy me, Jorge, buy me.") Bell did, and his life changed. His afro had a glistening sheen, dripping with sensuality. Women complimented him and street children followed him with paper cups, catching the dribbling Soul Glo juice so they could sell it to back-alley doctors who administered it as a fertility drug. Thanks to Soul Glo, Bell was dripping with sensuality.



Willie McGee, 1986 Topps

Name: Willie "Machismo" McGee
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Chippendales
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $150 an hour
Key 1985 stat: 44 pairs of edible underwear
People magazine's Sexiest Man of 1985: It was an honor the nation knew was coming. June, July and August 1985 collectively became known as the Summer of Sexy Willie. Women filled Busch Stadium to catch a glimpse of Willie McGee, known for his slap hitting and his butt slapping. He played with pizazz and often blew kisses to the crowd. The world was his oyster, but in one night, the oyster clammed up.
The fall of Lothario: The sweat was beading down his chicken chest when the SWAT team busted through the door. Within a fraction of a second, McGee, America's sexy son, went from an adored, dashing professional athlete to a defamed professional gigolo. The women scattered into closets and through windows. When police officers coralled them all, they were nude and numbered 22. McGee had started the night on a side job as a Chippendale dancer whose good looks drove women wild. He ended the night a felon, a felon who was always a hit with the ladies.



Jose Canseco, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Jose Canseco
Teams: Oakland A's, Jordache
Positions: Right field, Dreamboat, Fashion model
Value of card: One shirt
Key 1990 stat: 33 hearts broken
A stud for all seasons: Jose Canseco hit home runs. Jose Canseco stole bases. He drove Ferraris. He romanced movie stars and pop singers. He rescued orphans from Yugoslavian sweatshops and lassoed meteors, which he then used in batting practice. He became the first 40/40 man in the history of the universe. Despite all these accomplishments, Canseco's legacy will be tethered to something else he brought to the game of baseball: sudden growth. All it took was two pecs, a sweet swing, dripping sex appeal and a skyrocketing testosterone level.
Putting the "stare" back in "steroids": In 1990, baseball needed a spark. So Commissioner Fay Vincent contacted baseball card company Score — you read that correctly, SCORE — as well as the most stylish clothing company of the era, Jordache. Vincent said the future of the game hinged on transforming a player into a sex symbol. Enter Canseco. At the time, the all-star was self-conscious about his body. He thought he was scrawny. Vincent offered him some guidance: "Bulk up fast." Canseco took the advice, began a decade-long addiction to steroids and posed for the centerfold seen above. Baseball's ratings grew. Lonely housewives found meaning. Prepubescent girls started collecting cards. The Oakland Coliseum was suddenly filled with fans from San Francisco. Baseball had reached out to new fans, all thanks to one shirtless stud whose legend expanded as his testicles shrunk.

Card submitted by Kevin Rand