Showing posts with label 1980s attire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1980s attire. Show all posts


Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Name: Jimmy Sexton
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: Knowing that you will never wear something this hideous
Key 1980 stat: Wore something this hideous
The 1980 Tucson Toros uniforms, from A to Z:

Astros, the Toros' parent team at the time, deserved to lose 106 games for this atrocity
Blinded opponents hit just .227 against Tucson that year
Couldn't squeeze more warm colors on here if they tried
Diagonal stripes      always a good idea
Elastic waistbands made for an easy fit
Fifty-two fashion designers had embolisms after seeing this card
Gaudy doesn't even begin to cover it
Hundred-degree days must have been pleasant under all that polyester
Is that top made out of felt?
Just enough taupe to make you Google "taupe"
Kodak moment: Thank heaven we have photographic evidence of this uniform
Logo appears to be a bastardized Texas Tech ripoff
More than enough burnt orange to draw an arson investigation
No baseball player enjoys dressing like a woman. Well, at least not on the field.
Off-topic: Either he's being casual, or Jimmy Sexton's fingers are five times longer than the average human's
Players actually begged to be demoted to double-A
Quitting baseball was a viable option after these eye-sores were unveiled
Really bold use of mustard yellow on those "jerseys"
Sexton's face says it all
Tucson lost its baseball team for a few years, and this is probably why
Understandably, fans only watched the Toros' games on black-and-white TVs.
Vertical stripes on pants? At this point, is anyone going to notice?
Wizard's sleeves: not just a euphemism for a worn-out female reproductive whose-e-whatsis
X-rated? Maybe not, but I still wouldn't show this picture to kids
You know, if you have to wear this, you might as well wear the pants up to your rib cage
Zero chance Jimmy was going to get any Sexton in this get-up


Stacey Augmon, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Stacey Augmon
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Guard/forward
Value of card: One gallon of chlorine, 20 pumice stones
Key 1990 stat: 365 T-shirts tucked in
I hate the '80s: Atlanta was abuzz after the Hawks selected UNLV stud Stacey Augmon with the ninth overall pick in the 1991 NBA draft. Things got out of control that November, however, when the team, at Augmon's request, wore acid-wash jean shorts and monotone T-shirts as their uniforms at a home game against the Cleveland Cavaliers. "Acid Wash Night" was a disaster. The outfits were uncomfortable, both to play in and to watch, but the night got even worse when a confused Dominique Wilkins dropped a couple tabs of LSD, bathed in a tub of hot water at midcourt and proceeded to flap his arms and jump all around the court, screaming "I'm a hawk! I'm a hawk!" at the top of his lungs.


Mike Brown, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Brown
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $10 gift certificate to Sunglass Hut
Key 1985 stat: 98 percent polarized
His glasses are half full: Before he retired from baseball and started a career as a stand-up comic and an actor on "Homicide: Life on the Street," Mike Brown was a sneaky-fast outfielder with a great eye. His eye was so good, in fact, he averaged two walks every three plate appearances, helping propel the Pirates to dozens of victories. This ability to draw a walk led Pirates manager Jim Leyland to instruct him to protect his eyes with sunglasses most human beings couldn't see through. Brown first wore customized Blue Blockers, renamed Brown Blockers for him, which were tested with gamma rays on babies to ensure their protective powers would hold up. Brown wore these a few weeks until an opposing pitcher realized Brown's eye could be neutralized with a well-placed fastball off a lens. Broken glasses and all, Brown was not deterred. He next tried what he called "camouflage eyes," but quickly dispensed of them because he couldn't see out of them and the coils often wrapped together, tripping him when he was rounding first. His next selection was a pair of custom aviators, but a trademark spat with Reggie Jackson doomed this choice. Finally, Brown looked into the future for a pair of glasses that could protect his eyes, thereby protecting his baseball career. He wore these until his retirement, when he took to wearing a trendy pair that made him look like stock-trading schmuck.



Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Bobby Cosby Bonilla
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Outfield, team doctor
Value of card: One Cosbylike sweater-shirt
Key 1992 stat: 197 Jello Pudding Pops eaten (spring training only)
The doctor is out: Bobby Bonilla showed up to spring training in 1992 a changed man. It was his first season with New York, and he was coming off a career high in batting average, slugging percentage and 1980s sweaters. The Mets knew they were paying for a heavy hitter; they did not know they were paying for a Bill Cosby impersonator. Bobby Bo, as he's known, greeted all his new teammates at spring training with, "Hey, hey, hey! Flippity-flop, the Jello puddin' pop! I'm Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable." Of course, nobody took him seriously — except the gullible John Franco. Bonilla, or "Cliff," persuaded Franco and his wife to let him deliver their second child, due two months later. Their teammates were incredulous, but the plan probably would have gone ahead as scheduled if not for one thing. Franco and his wife, Rose, had decided to name their unborn son J.J., but Bonilla insisted they name him Theo. The two ballplayers got in a series of fights over the moniker, and the Francos decided to go back to their original doctor. A crushed Bonilla missed three days of practice. Teammate Howard Johnson went to visit Bobby Bo at his apartment, only to find him sitting shirtless, weeping and surrounded by hundreds of empty plastic pudding cups.
Note: Bonilla does actually have legs. He's just wearing invisible pants in this photo.


Jose Canseco, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Jose Canseco
Teams: Oakland A's, Jordache
Positions: Right field, Dreamboat, Fashion model
Value of card: One shirt
Key 1990 stat: 33 hearts broken
A stud for all seasons: Jose Canseco hit home runs. Jose Canseco stole bases. He drove Ferraris. He romanced movie stars and pop singers. He rescued orphans from Yugoslavian sweatshops and lassoed meteors, which he then used in batting practice. He became the first 40/40 man in the history of the universe. Despite all these accomplishments, Canseco's legacy will be tethered to something else he brought to the game of baseball: sudden growth. All it took was two pecs, a sweet swing, dripping sex appeal and a skyrocketing testosterone level.
Putting the "stare" back in "steroids": In 1990, baseball needed a spark. So Commissioner Fay Vincent contacted baseball card company Score — you read that correctly, SCORE — as well as the most stylish clothing company of the era, Jordache. Vincent said the future of the game hinged on transforming a player into a sex symbol. Enter Canseco. At the time, the all-star was self-conscious about his body. He thought he was scrawny. Vincent offered him some guidance: "Bulk up fast." Canseco took the advice, began a decade-long addiction to steroids and posed for the centerfold seen above. Baseball's ratings grew. Lonely housewives found meaning. Prepubescent girls started collecting cards. The Oakland Coliseum was suddenly filled with fans from San Francisco. Baseball had reached out to new fans, all thanks to one shirtless stud whose legend expanded as his testicles shrunk.

Card submitted by Kevin Rand



Joe Girardi, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Worth its weight in ticks
Key 1992 stat: 381 games of fetch played
A dog's life — and near-death: I know what you're thinking: What's up with Joe Girardi's baggy brown sweater? What you may not have noticed is that there's a fuzzy white dog sitting on Girardi's pool table. This is Nikko, the catcher's beloved bichon frise. Girardi would spend hours tossing billiard balls for Nikko to fetch, feeding him chalk and trying to comb frizzy white hairs out of his garbage-bag-size clothing. Eventually, the Cubs' backstop taught Nikko how to jump on his pool table and do trick shots with his nose. Teammates Paul Assenmacher and Andre "The Hawk" Dawson mocked Girardi for the girly-dog he called friend -- until Nikko schooled them in a game of snooker. But the fun nearly came to an end one night in August 1992. Girardi had arrived home from a nine-day West Coast swing and was eager to get in a game of doggie nine ball. Nikko, however, had taken ill. A frantic Girardi rushed his best friend to the veterinarian, where it was discovered the pooch had somehow swallowed a pool ball. It had moved into the pup's lower intestine, and surgery would likely kill the dog, the doctor said. Forced to choose between putting down Nikko and hoping the object would run its course, Girardi chose life. A sleepless, painful 24 hours later, the bichon frise managed an epic bowel movement. It was the first and only time in Girardi's career that he was happy to be responsible for a passed ball.
Not making this up: On the back of the card, it reads, "Nikko is a great pool player and likes to run around with the laundry."


Bo Jackson, 1991 Kalifornia Kardz

Name: Bo Jackson
Teams: Kansas City Royals, The Aces (R&B group)
Positions: Outfield; Arm on Cheek
Value of card: N/A
Key 1990 stat: Two sports, one gargantuan ego
Disclaimer: Baseball Card Bust did not make this card with the original version of Microsoft Paint and the help of the Yucata Valley High School class of 1987 yearbook staff. It was, in fact, purchased at a Phoenix-area card store in the early 1990s.
The American Legend: According to the shabbiest card ever produced (see above), Bo knows how to be a legend. Bo Jackson is such a legend, he poses in front of a poster of himself morphing from a baseball player into a football player. Bo is such a legend, he wears a leather jacket with aces on the breast pocket. Bo is such a legend, he can pose like Punky Brewster and get away with it. Bo is such a legend, he is compared to other American legends on the flip side of the above card. Now, which American legends would you place in Bo Jackson's neighborhood? Perhaps Jim Thorpe, the gold-medal-winning multisport star from the early part of the 2oth century. Or maybe Deion Sanders, the flamboyant former cornerback and outfielder who dominated in one sport and stunk like sulphur in another. What about Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Joe Montana or Mark McGwire? According to the flip side of the calamity that is the 1991 Bo Jackson Kalifornia Kardz -- please, don't choke on the double K's -- none of these athletes is even near Bo's class. No, to "live in Mr. Jackson's neighborhood," you must be a "leading American legend." Do yourself a favor and click here to see who's important enough to the fabric of Americana to be featured on the back of this disgraceful card.



Ruben Sierra, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, Designated Hitter
Value of card: 1/500th of that hat
Key 1991 stat: 591 pieces of gold jewelry purchased
El Caballo's secret: Look at Ruben Sierra. The man didn't come to own half of San Juan, Puerto Rico -- not to mention that spotless white, brimmed hat or that muscle-packed, striped polo shirt -- without a little help, my friends. You see, Sierra lived a hard childhood in Rio Piedras. On his 14th birthday, young Ruben was out searching for work when a sparkling object on the side of a dusty farm road caught his eye. It was a golden medallion, seemingly ancient yet intricately designed. Unbeknown to him, it was Montezuma's legendary Medallion of Power. He picked up the treasure, and felt a sudden strength surge through him. Rather than sell the trinket to buy medicine for his ailing mother, Ruben wore it to school the next day and proceeded to stun his baseball coach by launching 226 home runs in batting practice. Word quickly spread, drawing scouts from the U.S. and launching his career as El Caballo, a hitter to be feared and a lover to be coveted. Ruben still dons the medallion, pictured, and now rents out slum housing, also pictured, to awe-struck tenants.