Showing posts with label Saberhagen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Saberhagen. Show all posts


Mark Davis and Bret Saberhagen, 1990 Classic

Name: "Royal Flush": Mark Davis and Bret Saberhagen
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Two free tickets to a Royals spring training game
Key 1989 stat: Six teeth-whitening sessions apiece
It's time for a Kansas City special version of The Matchup:
Round 1: Blindingly blue gloves (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Mini-mullet growth (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Sweet, sassy, golden tans (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Freshly laundered uniforms (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Teeth as shiny as their uniforms (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Hand-holding below photo frame (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Height (Winner: Davis)

Score: Davis 1, Saberhagen 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: Everything about them seemed to be the same, including their fates, stuck within a Zubaz- and gay-tiger-inspired baseball card. But Mark Davis inched ahead of the Cy Young winner, who could argue the only real difference between the two was talent.

The losers: In the end, no one really won, especially card collectors, most of whom followed this card's advice and deposited it in the toilet.


Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 24)

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace (comb)
Value of card: That half of a burrito you threw in the trash three weeks ago
Key 1990 stat: One haircut trademark
Introducing ... The SaberMullet®: It's not every day that someone comes up with a new hairstyle. Of course, there's The Greasy Earmuffs, The Oil Slick and The Sasquatch Helmet. But it doesn't happen often. Today, then, is a special day, as Bret Saberhagen unveils the SaberMullet®, the latest in coiffure style. No one before has mixed the mullet with the barbershop classic The Little Boy's. Add in a healthy dose of jheri curl grease and a receding hairline, and you have a style thousands will copy but no one will replicate. The SaberMullet®, tomorrow's embarrassment today.


Bret Saberhagen, 1996 Donruss

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Aging ace
Value of card: Knowing that Bret Saberhagen actually played for the Rockies
Key 1995 stat: Two wins
Bret Saberhagen's dating profile, circa 1996:

Screen name: FormerCy2
Age: Younger than Nolan Ryan
Height: 6'1", but I look taller in purple pinstripes
Weight: 160 lbs., without my cleats on
Hair color: Dirty blond. Very dirty
Hair style: Sweaty mullet
Ethnicity: Midwestern
Religious views: You better pray I don't bean you
Want children? Nah, I only like women 18 and older
Martial status: I believe in pre-marital and post-marital
Best feature: Fastball
Smoke? How does 96 mph sound?
Drink? Not before 8 a.m.

Seeking: Women; a new contract
Location: Wherever I get traded to
Her body type: Anything with teeth
Her ethnicity: Redneck

About me: Everyone says it, but I never pictured myself ending up here. No, not an Internet dating service — Denver. I was a legend! I had it all! Cy Youngs, fans, groupies, all the barbecued brisket I could eat. Now, here I am, on a team that didn't even exist back then. Anyway, needless to say, I'm new in town and could use a friend to help me groom my mullet, line up my pinstripes and get the crumbs out of my goatee. I won't deny I've been around the block a few times, but there's a lot of gas left in this old heater. And while I ain't as good as I once was, I'm as good once as I was two weeks ago.


Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bret "Slider" Saberhagen
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Top Gun Naval Flying School
Position: Ace, hotshot fighter pilot
Value of card: Three toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: Two engines, one need — a need for speed
The forgotten gun: Everyone who has seen the 1980s action classic "Top Gun" remembers Maverick, Iceman and Goose. But what about Slider? A risk taker. A rebel. A winner. No, not Tom Cruise's Maverick. That was Bret Saberhagen's Slider. Before director Tony Scott re-cut the film, Saberhagen was undoubtedly the star. He single-handedly beat Maverick and Goose on the beach volleyball court, and while everyone on the sand went shirtless, Slider went shirtless and shortless. In the skies, Slider was at home. He didn't wear an oxygen mask. Why? Because you can't chew on toothpicks when wearing one. He didn't have the standard military cut. Oh no. He had a flowing, golden mullet that was so thick he didn't have to wear a flying helmet. He had wings on his plane, wings on his bomber jacket and hair wings on the sides of his head. He was an aviator who wore aviators, a rebel who lived fast, played fast and flew fast. He was Slider, and when his performance was cut from "Top Gun," he took his need for speed to the diamond, and the sky was his limit.



Bret Saberhagen, 1991 Upper Deck checklist

Name: Bret Saberhagen
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: One ball of yarn
Key 1990 stat: 214 scoreless innings pitched in the middle of the night, alone
Time for another pop quiz:

What is that giant circle behind Bret Saberhagen?

(A) The aura put off by his flawlessly maintained mullet
(B) The rising sun, foreshadowing a promising career's demise into the Japanese leagues
(C) A puddle of chewing tobacco spit from the cheek wad drawn by the illustrator
(D) Red dwarf star, which, coincidentally, was the nickname given to Saberhagen in the locker room
(E) All of the above