Showing posts with label Kodiak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kodiak. Show all posts


Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A circle
Key 1983 stat: Beard made of 50,000 porcupine spines
The end of an era: Dear readers (yes, all 11 of you), nearly six years ago, we started this little website with one simple goal: to become famous and rich enough that we could quit our jobs. Now, while we did get quoted in the New York Times, that plan hasn't really panned out. Nonetheless, we've had a lot of fun and laughs bringing you some of the most hideous, dated, airbrushed and ridiculous cards we've encountered.

Today's post is No. 2,098      and the last for us here at the Bust. We know that there are thousands more cards out there worthy of skewering, but life has gotten in the way and it is time for the Bust Cup to return to its trophy case. We want to sincerely thank everybody who contributed cards to our site and helped us along the way. We know there are some of you out there who check this page every day, and while we won't be adding new cards, you can view a random post by clicking the button at the top of our sidebar. Not a great consolation, we know, but we're guessing there are a few you've missed over the years.

So, that's all, friends. We leave you with the man who started it all, Greg Luzinski, The Kodiak Brute, grinding away at his shaft for all eternity. Take care.



John Vella, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 183)

Name: John Vella
Team: Oakland Raiders
Position: Tackle
Value of card: Six Brawny paper towel sheets
Key 1976 stat: 178,008 beard hairs
John Vella is the manliest man we've ever seen; here are some of his manliest exploits:
  • Once, he put on a red-and-black-plaid flannel shirt; five minutes later, 42,000 trees voluntarily fell in the forest.
  • Once, he shaved his beard at the request of a female fan; five minutes later, this photo was taken.
  • Once, he arm-wrestled a Kodiak bear; five minutes later, the NFL team in Chicago changed its name to the "Chicago John Vellas"
  • Once, he mistakenly walked into a Victoria's Secret store; five minutes later, everything on the shelves and racks had disappeared.
  • Once, he was asked about his feelings after a game; five minutes later, he was still looking at the reporter, confused, wondering what these "feelings" were.
  • Once, he walked into a maternity ward; five minutes later, all the babies were back inside their mothers and when they were born they came out with black beards.



Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Name: Tom Banks
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Center
Value of card: One voided check from Tom's bank
Key 1977 stat: Four families of birds nested in his beard and mane
The legend behind this Tom Banks card: It was May 1977, and the Topps photography staff was scrambling. With its annual set due out in less than a month, the quality control team had realized there was no card for St. Louis Cardinals all-pro center Tom Banks. Apparently, the only photos Topps had of Banks featured quarterback Jim Hart's hands nestled comfortably against the center's nether regions. Rather than ruin Topps' reputation for high-quality, kid-friendly photography, an executive decision was made: The staff's best airbrush artist melded a photo of Santa Claus' torso with a grainy shot purportedly showing bigfoot's head, and then placed the creation on a slate gray background. Crisis averted      chalk up another victory for Topps.


Jeff Reardon, 1991 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reardon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6-ounce gold chain with 17 intertwined chest hairs
Key 1990 stats: 3 inches of thickness, beard; 2 inches of thickness, eyebrows
The legend of "Rearendoso": Jeff Reardon was raised in an Inuit village in the barren wilderness of Kodiak, Alaska. His people were of the earth, and pushed aside Western concepts of wealth and success in favor of simpler pastimes: beard growing and tree chopping. Reardon's potential blossomed at an early age. At 6, his beard was bushy, leading a tribal elder to bestow upon him the name "Rearendso," or, in English, "The Bearded Wonder Child Whose Face Is a Fertile Field of Manliness and Machismo." Reardon's facial follicles weren't the only things quickly producing growth. His taste for moose meat and glacier ice made his arms muscular by age 13, and when the village's strongest men partook in their annual tree-chopping competition with a neighboring lumberjack village, Reardon's full potential became apparent. While the rival lumberjacks used axes and blunt baseball bat-shaped logs to fell trees, Reardon and his people hurled rocks at the base of massive Douglas firs. As the competition was coming to a close and most the the Inuit and lumberjacks were exhausted, Reardon kept hurling stones and clearing forest, thinking victory was assured. But one young lumberjack matched him hack for hurl. He was the one they called The Kodiak Brute. He was Greg Luzinksi. Reardon and Luzinski hacked and hurled for many moons. Just as the wolf howls and the river flows, Rearendoso and The Kodiak Brute continued their battle. It was a competition for the ages that drew on for so long no one remembers the winner. But every Inuit and lumberjack remembers one thing: The beards were beautiful.



Greg Luzinski, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow Insert

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Designated Hitter, Lumberjack
Value of card: 12 cents
Key 1983 stat: One triple
Background: Luzinski, known as The Kodiak Brute, was raised in a family of lumberjacks in Kodiak, Alaska. The 225-pound slugger spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks. At age 10, Luzinski entered the seedy world of competitive beard growing. He flourished. After dropping out of school at age 11, Luzinski split time between grooming his award-winning whiskers and chopping down Alaskan forests. On a sunny night during the Alaskan winter, a major league scout who spent the offseason breeding sled dogs happened upon a shirtless Luzinski cutting down Douglas firs -- with his bare hands. The scout hiked 14 miles to the nearest pay phone and called the Chicago White Sox owner. Luzinski was signed for $84,000 and a case of brook trout. Two hundred and ninety-four home runs and six optometrists later, American League pitchers shivered at the sight of The Kodiak Brute, hitter of home runs and shatterer of laws of physics.