Greg Luzinski, 1984 Topps Purina Dog Chow Insert

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Designated Hitter, Lumberjack
Value of card: 12 cents
Key 1983 stat: One triple
Background: Luzinski, known as The Kodiak Brute, was raised in a family of lumberjacks in Kodiak, Alaska. The 225-pound slugger spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks. At age 10, Luzinski entered the seedy world of competitive beard growing. He flourished. After dropping out of school at age 11, Luzinski split time between grooming his award-winning whiskers and chopping down Alaskan forests. On a sunny night during the Alaskan winter, a major league scout who spent the offseason breeding sled dogs happened upon a shirtless Luzinski cutting down Douglas firs -- with his bare hands. The scout hiked 14 miles to the nearest pay phone and called the Chicago White Sox owner. Luzinski was signed for $84,000 and a case of brook trout. Two hundred and ninety-four home runs and six optometrists later, American League pitchers shivered at the sight of The Kodiak Brute, hitter of home runs and shatterer of laws of physics.



  1. Actually, I think he was raised by a family of Kodiaks in Lumberjack, Alaska. Plus he used to teach woodshop.

  2. even though he looks like the unabomber, hawk harrelson is certain he is one of the "good guys" and has never failed to check his swing...HE GONE!

  3. You can't "HE GONE" a guy with a beard made of porcupine spines.