Showing posts with label Milk Bone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Milk Bone. Show all posts


Ben McDonald, 1993 Milk Bone SuperStars

Names: Ben McDonald, Ace and Max
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore Chocolate Labs
Positions: Pitcher, retrievers
Value of card: Two hearts cut in a bench
Key 1992 stat: Four bones buried in the backyard (each)
Not the sharpest tool in the shed: We here at the Bust love Ben McDonald, but he was definitely a little strange. Previously, we detailed the time he tried to talk to the president though a fake microphone. And while Ben could keep his jeans pleated like no one's business, he was certainly gullible, as evidenced by this card. He bought loose-fitting camouflage shirts, expecting to be invisible wherever he went. He purchased a whole litter of chocolate Labradors, expecting them to actually taste like chocolate. And when he found out Baltimore's team was actually called the "Orioles" instead of the "Oreos," he ripped out his uniform's stitching and downed a whole package of Double Stuffs. Hey, at least he didn't eat the dogs.


Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Craig Biggio, Shelbee the dog
Team: Houston Astros, Houston Fleabags
Positions: Second base, family pet
Value of card: One lick from either of the above
Key 1992 stat: For Biggio, less fashion sense than his dog
Shelbee the dog's train of thought from 11:29 to 11:31 a.m., Feb. 2, 1993: "Dad, why are you spelling my name out for that stranger? And how many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Shelby,' with a Y. Only an idiot would use two E's. ... Oh, it's picture time? Great! You're going to change your clothes, right? Um, dad? You're not going to wear a tucked-in T-shirt and a brand-new white ball cap, right? ... No, let go of me! I can't be seen with you like this! Oh doggone-it, why are you sitting down? No, don't      no, don't spread your legs like that! Those jeans are tighter than my collar! Everyone will be able to see the Killer B's! ... Jeez, this is embarrassing. That's it, I'm pooping in your cleats."


Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Champagne
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore-area fleabags
Positions: Shortstop, bitch
Value of card: 12 dead fleas
Key 1992 stat: 22 cars chased (Ripken)
It's time for a man-vs.-beast edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: In need of an ambitious brushing (Winner: Ripken)
Round 2: Had to wear one of those cones around his neck after surgery (Winner: Ripken)
Round 3: Once humped the leg of the Orioles mascot (Winner: Ripken)
Round 4: Caught a case of fleas in his "coat" (Winner: Ripken)
Round 5: Enjoys a good scratch behind his ear (Winner: Ripken)
Round 6: Kicks up legs after going No. 2 (Winner: Ripken)
Round 7: Appears to be wearing a collar in this photo (Winner: Ripken)

Score: Ripken 7, Champagne 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: In this battle of man vs. beast, Ripken completes a shutout win, allowing him to partake in the spoils of victory and sip Champagne. (vomit noises)


Will Clark, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One dog treat, post-digestion
Key 1992 stat: 500 dog turds picked up
Man vs. beast: We'll go ahead and assume that "Psycho" is the name of Will Clark's dog and not just Milk Bone's assessment of Clark's mental state. In that case, it's time for a Matchup.

Round 1: Furriness (Winner: Psycho, barely)
Round 2: Worse breath (Winner: Clark)
Round 3: Ability to hit balls (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Ability to fetch balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 5: Ability to lick balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 6: Number of legs humped (Winner: Clark, surprisingly)
Round 7: Better liked by Mrs. Clark (Winner: Psycho)
Round 8: More in need of a flea dip (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Psycho 4, Clark 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! Yes, Psycho is a good boy! What a good doggy!

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner


Wally Joyner, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Wally, Chloe and Shadow, in no particular order
Team: The Milk Bone Dog Show
Position: Sitting on hay. Wait, what?
Value of card: Pile of throw-up after 20 minutes of grass eating (Joyner)
10 titles for this card:
10) "Two Canines and a Flea Bag"
9) "Wally Joyner - Unleashed"
8) "The Sweater of My Discontent"
7) "Wally's Own Westminster Kennel Club"
6) "Put 'Em Down, All Three of Them"
5) "Slacks, White Socks and Lots of Hair"
4) "Bow - Wow"
3) "Wally Loves Dem Bitches"
2) "Sweater Puppies"
1) "The Ticks of Wrath"



Joe Girardi, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Worth its weight in ticks
Key 1992 stat: 381 games of fetch played
A dog's life — and near-death: I know what you're thinking: What's up with Joe Girardi's baggy brown sweater? What you may not have noticed is that there's a fuzzy white dog sitting on Girardi's pool table. This is Nikko, the catcher's beloved bichon frise. Girardi would spend hours tossing billiard balls for Nikko to fetch, feeding him chalk and trying to comb frizzy white hairs out of his garbage-bag-size clothing. Eventually, the Cubs' backstop taught Nikko how to jump on his pool table and do trick shots with his nose. Teammates Paul Assenmacher and Andre "The Hawk" Dawson mocked Girardi for the girly-dog he called friend -- until Nikko schooled them in a game of snooker. But the fun nearly came to an end one night in August 1992. Girardi had arrived home from a nine-day West Coast swing and was eager to get in a game of doggie nine ball. Nikko, however, had taken ill. A frantic Girardi rushed his best friend to the veterinarian, where it was discovered the pooch had somehow swallowed a pool ball. It had moved into the pup's lower intestine, and surgery would likely kill the dog, the doctor said. Forced to choose between putting down Nikko and hoping the object would run its course, Girardi chose life. A sleepless, painful 24 hours later, the bichon frise managed an epic bowel movement. It was the first and only time in Girardi's career that he was happy to be responsible for a passed ball.
Not making this up: On the back of the card, it reads, "Nikko is a great pool player and likes to run around with the laundry."