Showing posts with label Thomas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thomas. Show all posts


Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Thunder From Down Under
Position: Half-dressed first baseman
Value of card: An ounce of baby oil
Key 1992 stat: 183 portrait photos of him not looking at the camera
Kids, avert your eyes: Frank Thomas was king of Chicago in the early 1990s, bashing home runs, stealing the hearts of women and even disarming explosives. But the Big Hurt had a secret: During the offseason, he worked as a, ahem, dancer just for the thrill of it. Working under the pseudonym Thomas Frank, the slugger would put on a mask and then proceed to take off everything else for the ladies (and gents) who ventured into a dark and seedy Chicago club called The City of Big Shoulders and Bigger Other Things. His secret got out in early 1993, though, and his teammates decided action must be taken. Ozzie Guillen, George Bell and Ron Karkovice barged into the club one night while Thomas was on stage. Guillen started cursing at the slugger while Bell slung the half-bare basher over his shoulder and carried him to the car. Karkovice, however, took a seat and stayed behind.


Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson, 1991, um, Bash II? ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 7)

Names: Frank Thomas, Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: It's worth bashing, all right
Key 1990 stat: Two careers headed in different directions
Real quick: Before we get to the players pictured above, let's talk about the back of this card. In child-like scribble, it predicts the future, talking about how these guys are the next Bash Brothers (only without the steroids) and mentioning a "new bashing era for White Sox fans" that isn't meant as a reference to the team's World Series drought. OK, Bash II Trading Card Company (or whoever the hell made this garbage), good call.

Bye-bye, Big Hurt: What better way to wrap up a week of horrendous baseball cards than by bringing in a guest star who was responsible for some equally horrendous baseball cards? These two guys saw their faces on a lot of crap in the early '90s      it's about time they faced off in The Matchup.

Round 1: Better White Sox uniform (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: More color, both in uniform and in face (Winner: Thomas)
Round 3: Heart-melting smile (Winner: Thomas)
Round 4: Better pouty face (Winner: Jackson)
Round 5: Better nickname (Winner: Thomas)
Round 6: Worst sports card of all time (Winner: Jackson)
Round 7: Destined to play more than 183 games the rest of his career (Winner: Thomas)

Final score: Thomas 4, Jackson 3

Synopsis: Come on, you knew Big Hurt wasn't going to lose a Matchup during his very own week, didn't you? It was a back-and-forth battle, but once again Bo's serious hip injury keeps us wondering what might have been.


Frank Thomas, 1993 Score All-Star Team ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 6)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 1 Swiss franc
Key 1991 stat: 279 frankfurters eaten
10 reasons this card is awesome:
10) It was drawn by a blind hyena.
9) The glove has a G on it. For, uh, "glove."
8) Illustrated wristbands and turtlenecks are almost as cool as the real things.
7) It's the 1992 all-star team — in the 1993 set. Rad.
6) Nike gets a free plug on some super-hightops.
5) The stunning physical realism.
4) Frank likes it because it makes his butt look small.
3) It's the all-star team. Hence the giant star. How subtle.
2) 60-pound jowls.
1) Frank is, apparently, a white-handed batter.



Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago Tiny White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, orthodontia patient
Value of card: A trade: your chocolate milk for lil' Frankie's Oreo cookies
Key 1992 stat: Third place, KidStars Trivia and Drinking Contest
Time for a quiz about a quiz:

Who scored 108 runs, had 115 RBI and walked 122 times in 1992?

(A) The cutest damn kid in Ms. Beasley's fourth-grade class in Columbus, Ga.
(B) The best player on the Lions' Little League team.
(C) The subject of one of the dumbest card subsets of all time.
(D) The tooth fairy's No. 1 client.
(E) A mini mock turtleneck model.
(F) All of the above.


Frank Thomas, 1992 MLB Aces ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 4)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, card player
Value of card: One flush (of a toilet)
Key 1991 stat: 4 of diamonds
Here's the deal: In the 1990s, it would have been stupid to bet against Frank Thomas. He hit jacks on the diamond, had great hands and was the king of the South Side. For the White Sox, he was a bridge to the future. At practice, he'd go all-in. Hour after hour he'd shuffle between the batting cage and the video room, looking for ways to burn the opposition and raise the team in the standings. Off the field, he'd wear diamonds to the club, break a few hearts and punch David Spade in the neck if he stepped out of line, all with a glass of gin in his hand. He wasn't afraid to make a call, and when it came to stats, he had no limits. When runs were being batted in, Thomas would always follow suit. And while he was on deck, White Sox fans thought one thing: jackpot.


Frank Thomas, 1992 Pacific Coast Sportscards ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: We know it's the Chicago White Sox, but that's not indicated anywhere on the card
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: One drawing of a fake-gold necklace
Key 1991 stat: Two girlish eyelashes
Oh, yeah, here's a winner: Wow, what a legendary piece of garbage. Twenty years after the fact, it's hard to believe that someone would spend the time to produce this card. And it's harder to believe that this card probably made that scab at least a few thousand dollars. It's not just the crude illustration by fourth-grader lil' Eddy David. Well, actually, that's a big part of it. Frank Thomas was a masculine man, but here he looks like his makeup was done for junior prom. Thomas played for the White Sox, and not only is there no mention of the team on the card, but he appears to be wearing a Cubs uniform. You see it? It's right there, underneath the absurd depiction of a grandmother's gold necklace. But let's put away this waste of watercolor for a moment and focus on the brand. Pacific Coast Sportscards, huh? We're pretty sure they made one card, and it featured a player whose team's home was about 2,200 miles from the Pacific Coast. And one last thing: Apparently, Pacific Coast Sportscards seems to represent four sports. In the gold-plated cutout, there's a basketball, a baseball, a football and, um, a mushroom? Well, you'd have to be 'shrooming to think this card was a good idea.


Frank Thomas, 1992 Baseball Card Presents ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 2)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 16 TV Guides from the late 1980s used to mop up air-conditioning condensation
Key 1991 stat: 22,986 hours of TV watched
10 television shows that could star Frank Thomas with one word change:
10) "Thomas in Charge"
9) "The Big Hurt Theory"
8) "Lacking Chicago Hope"
7) "Magnum D.H."
6) "Beavis and Huge-Head"
5) "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks"
4) "Baseball Brew Masters"
3) "Frank 'Nose' Best"
2) "The Mesh Prince of Bel-Air"
1) "Frank Thomas the Tank and Friends"


Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Team USA, Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Six nights' stay at the Fleabag Motel in Millington, Tenn.
Key 1946 stat: One photo printed on Johannes Gutenberg's first printing press
Welcome to "Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week: We're celebrating one of the biggest and baddest sluggers of the 1990s with a full week of cringe-inducing cards from such esteemed companies as Topps, Upper Deck and BDK Card Co. Umm, what company? Anyway, Thomas is the subject of some of the worst card concepts in history, having been the No. 1 collected player during the industry's boom years of the early to mid-1990s. For him, this proved embarrassing. For us, it's something to ridicule between binges of Winner's Cup vodka. Want a few examples? How about cards that utilize lightning, MTV and dynamite. Think those are terrible? This week has six more days.
Team USA's scouting report on young Frank Thomas: "This guy is as American as apple pie, bald eagles and crappy baseball cards produced in garages by losers trying to scam kids out of their allowance. ... I foresee a bright future for him — in a Chuck Norris movie. ... Talk about patriotism. That's not our uniform; he walks around supporting America. ... Looks good in a USA jersey made in China. ... A five-tool player: hits for power, hits for average, throws well, fields great and tucks shirts with the best of them. ... Excellent future in mesh. ... Could be great for the Red, White and Blue if we could find a photo of him that's not black-and-white. ... Easily the best player in Millington, Tenn. OK, the only player in Millington, Tenn."


Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?


Frank Thomas, 1992, um, Power Surge?

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 2 ounces of burnt hair
Key 1991 stat: One lightning strike
Transcript from Chicagoland TV commercial for Power Surge® energy drink, circa 1991: "You ever feel so tired you want to curl up on the field of life? Well I have. I'm Frank Thomas, all-star first baseman for the Chicago White Sox. I'm here to tell you about Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas), the state-of-the-art, first-of-its-kind, game-changing, life-changing, world-changing energy drink that electrifies (lightning strikes behind Thomas) your on-field performance with a dose of liquid lightning (lightning strikes behind Thomas). Oh, yeah! When you're dragging and need a jolt, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). When you're down in the dumps and need to energize your life, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). When you're bored and need to shock the world, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). I'm Frank Thomas, and I'm here to tell you to electrify your performance with a Power Surge® (lightning strikes Thomas on the left forearm, above, and he writhes in pain). Ahhhh! Ahhhh! It burns! It burns! Make it stop! Help! Help! Ahhhh! No more Power Surge®!"


Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Lions
Position: Third grade
Value of card: Two cat's eye marbles
Key 1992 stat: 17 embarrassing childhood photos in circulation
Lions' scouting report on 10-year-old Frank Thomas: "Good kid with a great smile, but he has a vicious Twizzlers addiction. ... Has the heart of a Lion, which, technically, is true of all our kids. ... We can see him using a smaller glove when he's a 6-foot-5 big league first baseman in 15 years. ... Must-have skill: looks great in mesh. ... Easily the cutest kid in his class, which can be more important than baseball skills. ... Looking at dimples, he should end up a lady killer. ... If we're to believe this photo, he has experience playing ball in the middle of a forest. ... Got a VG+ in cursive handwriting, according to Ms. Coverdale. Impressive. ... Ownership needs to take into account that he can't play night games, given 'supper time.' ... Little Lizzy Vignola passed us a note saying she has a crush on him. This could prove to be a distraction. ... Even at age 10 has more power than Ron Karkovice."


Frank Thomas, 1991 Something Or Other

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Instruction manual for Mario Paint
Key 1991 stat: Appeared on waaaaay too many baseball cards
For Pete's sake: Anyone can make a baseball card. Here's what you'll need:
  • A color printer
  • Photo paper
  • Green construction paper (3.5 inches by 2.5 inches)
  • A glue stick
  • Line tape (red and yellow)
  • A label maker
Now, using the Interweb, print out a boring picture of your favorite baseball player. Rub the glue stick on the green construction paper and adhere the photo to it. Alternating colors, place the line tape along the edge of the photo. Then, print out a label with the player's name and place the label at the bottom of the photo. Viola! You have a craptastic baseball card!


Frank Thomas, 1992 MTV Rock 'n' Jock

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Jocks
Position: First baseman
Value of card: One unrolled cassette tape
Key 1991 stat: Zero Top 40 hits
Less jock, more rock: In 1991, Frank Thomas agreed to take part in the MTV series "Rock n' Jock." In case that sentence wasn't ridiculous enough for you, here are some of the stranger demands Thomas made before deciding to appear:
  • No shirts could be tucked in. By anyone.
  • Thomas got to spend an afternoon with Bell, Biv and Devoe, but at separate times.
  • A hot dog cart had to be on the field at all times.
  • Thomas got to wear a pair of Marky Mark's used gym shorts during the game.
  • Flat tops for everyone.
  • Thomas got to unveil his new, foppish throwing style.
  • Lisa Kennedy had to agree to tuck a batting glove into Thomas' waistband.
  • Any sports cards made from the event had to look like an episode of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."



Frank Thomas, 1991 Star Pics

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 6 kilos of nuclear waste
Key 1990 stat: 15 megawatts of home run power
10 names Frank Thomas called his bats:
10) Atomic Long Bombs
9) The Radiation Run Producers
8) Upgrades from Dynamite
7) The (Burned to a Crisp) Louisville Sluggers
6) Three Times the Fusion
5) Lumber Reactors
4) Bats of Mass Destruction
3) "Fat Man," "Little Boy" and "The One I Don't Use"
2) The Nuclear Family
1) The Chernobyl Sticks



Frank Thomas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Award Winner

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven fonts
Key 1993 stat: Six fingers held in front of face
Here's an award-winning post: The Big Hurt was the 1993 AL MVP. Here are 10 awards he was nominated for that year:

10) Tightest, whitest pants, sponsored by Fruit of the Loom
9) The Reebok Foundation's Sweatiest Wrists of the Year
8) The Larry Csonka Memorial Award for Best Secret Flipping of the Bird
7) Dean's List, Lasorda University
6) The Friends of Johnny Cash Man in Black of the Year
5) 24 Hour Fitness' Jazzerciser of the Month
4) The Pulitzer Prize for Most Fake Labels on a Baseball Card
3) Fisherman of the Week, Oct. 6-13, Lake Michigan Harbor Society
2) American League Most Bestest Player
1) Nobel Prize in Eye Black



Frank Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: 20 years to life in federal prison
Key 1991 stat: Zero explosions
The case against Frank Thomas being voted into the Hall of Fame:

Exhibit A) He used three bats while at the plate, clearly a violation of some rule or other
Exhibit B) That weird dent in his elbow
Exhibit C) At least one of his bats contained dynamite, thus endangering himself, his fellow players and the fans
Exhibit D) He only played outside of stadiums, on clear nights while the moon was eclipsed
Exhibit E) He just looks so darn mean!


1992 Stars of the Baseball Universe

Names, from bottom left: Frank Thomas, Nolan Ryan, Bo Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Cal Ripken Jr.
Teams: Chicago White Sox (Thomas, Jackson), Texas Rangers (Ryan) Seattle Mariners (Griffey), Baltimore Orioles (Ripken)
Positions: First base (Thomas), Pitcher (Ryan), Outfield (Jackson, Griffey), Shortstop (Ripken)
Value of card: 3 ounces of moon rock
Key 1991 stat: Five stars, five descriptions
Five stars in orbit:

Thomasmetrica-35: Found approximately 14 million light years from Earth, Thomasmetrica-35 was a supergiant star, one of the biggest in the universe. It towered over other stars in the American League nebula, its gravitational power hitting its peak in the mid-1990s, before suddenly combusting into a red dwarf star, capable of few of its former feats.

Ryanitoba-5714: One of the oldest stars in the universe, Ryanitoba-5714 is crisscrossed by deep canyons, wrinkle-like, throughout its face. These crevices are actively viewed with the human eye in Texas, but in most other regions its popularity has waned with age.

Bo-hemia-34: This main sequence star is well-known for its fast rotation and the force of its sun bursts. This combination of speed and power has translated into a twofold existence: in the spring and summer, Bo-hemia-34 shrinks and becomes circular, with two endless red ridges; in the fall, it grows and elongates at its poles, sprouts one large white ridge at its center and turns brown. Books have been written about Bo-hemia-34's shape-shifting, only seen in one other major star, Deionistis-7.

Ofgriffey-2: Once a junior star to its closest relative, Ofgriffey-1, Ofgriffey-2 has grown massive, with immense popularity in the field and the ability to send its bursts into orbit. Despite its size, astronomers still refer to it by a nickname, "The Kid."

Ripkenocus-2632: This white dwarf has been counter-rotating at a record pace for 2,632 light years, the longest known counter rotation in the universe. This constant backward rotation has damaged the planets that rely on Ripkenocus-2632, as well as its exoskeleton, but it continues to spin and spin, as if only for assurance the record will never be broken.



Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Freedom isn't free
Key 1993 stats: 50 stars, 13 stripes
Proud to be an American, Part 2: How American was Frank Thomas during his playing days? He was so American, he lived inside the Lincoln Memorial and bathed in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. He was so American, he bred bald eagles and rode one to each game. He was so American, he kept copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and the Bill of Rights in his bathroom as reading material. Frank Thomas was so American, both his names were those of former presidents. He was so American he recited the Pledge of Allegiance before every at-bat. He was so American, he arm-wrestled Mark McGwire in every national park for the title of Most American Person Ever. Frank Thomas was so damn American, he swam the Mississippi River, bare-knuckle boxed a grizzly bear and kicked Fidel Castro in the groin all in one day! USA! USA! USA!



Frank Thomas, 1992 Superstar Zone

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: One dowsing rod
Key 1991 stat: 109 runs bat — wait, what exactly is he holding?
It's a dry heat: Before the popularity of reality television, network executives at ESPN created a show in which White Sox slugger Frank Thomas was left stranded in "The Superstar Zone" — which was really just White Sands National Monument in New Mexico. Thomas was helicoptered in with nothing but his uniform, a baseball, a bat and a glove. His challenge: Find safety within 48 hours. The show, of course, never aired, because Thomas proceeded to wander around the luminescent sand, undoing his pants and grasping his "dowsing rod" in a supposed attempt to find water. As a result, the production team learned that "The Big Hurt" was really more of an "Average-Size Hurt."


Frank Thomas, 1993 Score Dream Team

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: One pickup line
Key 1992 stat: Zero times crashed and burned
Frank Thomas, pickup artist: "Well, hello there. Come here often? My name's Frank. You know, a lot of people call me Big Hurt, but I think I just scraped my knee falling for you. Do you like my jacket? Me too, but I bet it'd look better on your floor. Baby, I'm sorry. No, I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you. Come on, girl, we're already at the stadium — let's take a trip around the bases. I hope you work for UPS, because I've got a package for you to handle. Hey, where are you going, sweet thing? If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"