Showing posts with label Hockey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hockey. Show all posts


Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Dean McAmmond
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Left wing
Value of card: Deer crap
Key 1998-99 stat: 14 citations from the Canada Fish and Wildlife Department
Oh deer: Always a loner and an oddball, Dean McAmmond would spend his time away from the rink attempting to find acceptance within a herd of deer. He would start by tracking the animals on his snowmobile, and would slowly gain their trust until he could hand-feed them. McAmmond would rummage for grass under the snowpack and would  attempt to protect the young from wolves. His adventure ended swiftly, though, after he was gored in the arm by antlers while fighting a rival buck for mating rights.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti



Anders Hedberg, 1977-78 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hocke Week No. 6)

Name: Anders Hedberg
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One boarding pass from 2012
Key 1977-78 stat: Gave everyone the willies
Fill your intermission with this pop quiz: Who didn't Anders Hedberg frighten with his "smile"?

A) His own mother
B) Satan
C) Charles Manson
D) Thomas Lewis
E) None of the above      everybody was creeped out by Anders Hedberg



Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Glen Hanlon, 1987-88 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Glen Hanlon
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Goalie
Value of card: Even less than Detroit real estate
Key 1987-88 stat: Always had warm hands, for some reason
Get a grip: Here are a few reasons why Glen Hanlon had a successful NHL career.
  • He could easily grasp what the other team was trying to do.
  • He adjusted well to game situations.
  • He knew how to hold opponents scoreless.
  • He really knew how to grab the puck.
  • Above all, he could really handle his stick.
Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."


Mel Bridgman, 1983-84 O-Pee-Chee (Another Hockey Week No. 2)

Name: Mel Bridgman
Team: New Jersey Devils
Position: Center
Value of card: Shaved ice
Key 1983-84 stat: No toothpaste needed
Presenting Mel Bridgman, by the numbers:

38: Assists in 1983-84
23: Goals in 1983-84
5: Teeth in 1983-84

$148,000: Amount Bridgman earned annually in the early '80s
$33,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on housing in the early '80s
$12,000: Amount Bridgman spent annually on creamed corn and oatmeal in the early '80s

18:58: Bridgman's minutes on ice per game
1:53: Bridgman's penalty minutes per game
1:46: Minutes the dentist needed to give Bridgman a full checkup per visit

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla
Team: Calgary Flames
Position: Right wing
Value of card: A wet beer pong ball that has rolled under the couch
Key 1997-98 stat: Two sports mastered
Jarome Iginla's train of thought between 2:12 and 2:14 p.m., December 2, 1997: "Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Ping pong counts as a workout, right? ... Eye on the ball, that's it. ... Why is this creep taking pictures of me right now? ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Oh geez, my shorts are riding up my five-hole again. ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... I hope my overdeveloped left thigh doesn't look too weird right now. ... Eye on the      wait, what am I supposed to keep my eye on again? Ah, crap, that's game."


Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Andrew Ference
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: One thumb. Not a thumbs-up, just a thumb.
Key  2010-11 stat: One angry wife
Here's how Andrew Ference spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Andrew woke up around 8 a.m. and ate cereal out of the Stanley Cup. He then took the cup out to the garage so he could keep admiring it while getting his young daughter, Stella, ready to go for a bike ride. Just then, he received an email linking to a hilarious video of a cat playing a keyboard. While watching the video on his iPhone, Andrew absentmindedly buckled the cup, instead of his child, into the baby trailer, and then hit the road. Upon finding her daughter lying on the floor in the garage, Andrew's wife grew angry and called the authorities and a private investigator to track him down. Soon, Andrew was being pursued by several photographers in a taxi and a pudgy police officer, but instead of stopping, he just gave everyone a big thumbs-up. When he returned home, Andrew's wife gave him a different finger.


Tim Thomas, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Tim Thomas
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Goaltender
Value of card: One life vest made of lead
Key 2010-11 stat: Won a bunch of trophies or something
How Tim Thomas spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Tim woke up around 9 a.m. in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney, and with no memory of the past 36 hours. A note on the bathroom mirror read, "If you want to keep your other kidney, pay what you owe." Still woozy, Tim put on a T-shirt two sizes too small for him, rounded up the Stanley Cup, the Vezina Trophy and the Conn Smythe Trophy, and headed for his speedboat at the marina. Tim sped off for international waters, where he sold the trophies to a sketchy Ukrainian businessman named Yuri. He then hurried back home and paid what he owed      $450 to bloodthirsty Comcast.


Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Mark Recchi
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: Two horse apples
Key 2010-11 stat: 17 failed attempts at teaching his horse how to ice skate
Here's how Mark Recchi spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Mark rose with the sun and headed down to the stables after donning traditional Western wear: a polo shirt, cargo shorts and aviator sunglasses. He then fed his favorite horse, Cupcake, oats from the cup. After a few minutes, he got jealous and began eating oats out of the cup, as well. Mark got Cupcake saddled and punished the horse for its insolence by riding it while carrying the 33-pound cup. Cupcake, never one to suffer fools, soon began bucking, throwing Mark and the cup to the ground. Mark and the cup were then taken to the hospital by ambulance, but both recovered quickly.


Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.


Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Marc Savard
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: A busted remote control with no batteries
Key 2010-11 stat: Six straight weeks curled up on the couch
Here's how Marc Savard spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Savard woke up on the couch. He grabbed the Cup and sat back on the couch. His wife made him lunch and he ate it on the couch with the Cup. He watched some TV on the couch. He watched some more TV on the couch. His wife brought him a beer and he drank it on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch, curled up with the Cup. He ate a TV dinner on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch again. He snored on the couch. (Now that's how you spend a memorable day with the Cup.)


Mike Richards, 2012-13 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Mike Richards
Team: Los Angeles Kings
Position: Center
Value of card: 12 ounces of fish guts
Key 2011-12 stat: 4,412 worms hooked
Here's how Mike Richards spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Richards woke up before the sun rose, put on the standard frat boy uniform and drove to the river, with the Cup riding shotgun. He loaded the trophy into his boat, the Puck Bunny, and steered toward his favorite fishing hole. He cast into the deep blue and pulled up a fish. Then another. And another. And another. At the end of the day, with a haul of 48 bass, he headed back to the pier, where he spent two hours cleaning his bounty, tossing the guts into the Cup. He packed up and headed home, dropping the Cup off with the NHL, fish guts included.


Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Name: Tuuka Rask
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Goaltender
Value of card: 16 ounces of warm water from this spa
Key 2010-11 stat: 2,196 hours spent in a hot tub, alone
Welcome to Return of Stanley Cup Week: It's that time of year, when most of Canada and a few people in the United States focus their attention on the last few teams battling to be crowned the kings of hockey. In celebration, we here at The Bust is bringing you seven days of athletes tougher than you doing ridiculous things with an old trophy. Enjoy, eh!
Here's how Tuuka Rask celebrated his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Rask woke up at the crack of noon, grabbed the Cup and walked, naked, to his hot tub. He emptied out the Jacuzzi and filled the Cup with Winner's Cup Vodka. One Cup-full after the next, Rusk poured the vodka into the tub. When the hot tub was full, Rask jumped in and turned on the jets. Three hours later, his skin resembled a prune and he had gotten drunk through osmosis. This photo was snapped soon after, as Rask yelled, "I love America! Jump in, the vodka's fine!"


Larry Walker, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Larry Walker
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, first base 
Value of card: Two pennies stuck together with maple syrup
Key 1994 stat: One labor stoppage
Ways you can tell Larry Walker is Canadian:
  • You know, the whole Montreal thing
  • His mullet has clearly been frozen stiff by a harsh winter
  • All his bats were made from maple wood
  • He was always insulting the umpires in French
  • That glove is at least 30 percent moose leather
  • Clothed from neck to toe to combat sub-zero temperatures
  • His Louisville Slugger is actually a goalie stick! What the heck, eh?



Johnny Boychuk, 2012-13 Score (Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Johnny Boychuk
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: 11 splinters in your fingers
Key 2011-12 stat: 146 times asked, "Bruins? Do you play for UCLA?"
Oh, Boychuk: Well, what do we have here. You're all dressed up in a snazzy uniform, on ice that's as fast as a cheetah on methamphetamine. You have a sharp-looking visor and a look of determination on your face. You're a winner. You sure are. No one can stop you, champ. You've got the hockey world on a string — and then you used it for this card's border. We want to put our hands together for you, Boychuk, because you stick with it, stick to your guns, stick it out and never get the short end of the stick. For you, stud, hockey's a snap.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Larry Giroux, 1975-76 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Larry Giroux
Team: Detroit Red Wings
Position: Defense
Value of card: A tire with a goose's wing bolted to it
Key 1974-75 stat: Thought showering was overrated
Introducing ... The Afroux®: Back in the day, before the NHL got soft and started worrying about things like concussions and severe cranial bleeding, hockey players didn't have to wear helmets and were free to express their sense of style, at least from the neck up. So it was that talented Red Wings defenesman Larry Giroux unleashed upon the world The Afroux®, a trademarked hairstyle designed to keep his head warm on the ice, and his image cool off it. The thick, sweat-filled interior of the coif also served to soften blows to the skull, be they from hockey pucks, opponents' sticks or the fists of a rival at the local watering hole. The 2-inch-wide sideburns helped to direct sound to the ear, warning the wearer of The Afroux® of approaching danger since his peripheral vision was compromised by the 'do's bushiness. And the optional handlebar mustache-unibrow combo helped keep perspiration out of the eyes and mouth. Unfortunately for Giroux, his trademark was revoked after it was discovered that his creation was just a ripoff of the Ray-May May-Day® held up with the help of some poutine gravy.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Pat Falloon
Team: San Jose Sharks
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One consolation prize for missing out on drafting Eric Lindros
Key 1992-93 stat: Yet to be called "Fat Balloon" (except by his mother)
Time for The Caption, which may have run in the San Jose Mercury News in 1992, as far as you know: "San Jose Sharks forward Pat Falloon goes for a joyride past several animal pens after hotwiring a road paver from a San Jose construction site Sunday. Falloon was quickly stopped and taken into custody on charges of grand theft auto and indecent exposure, thanks to the shorts he was wearing."


Tom Miller, 1971-72 O-Pee-Chee (Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Tom Miller
Team: New York Islanders
Position: Forward
Value of card: Zzzzzzzzz
Key 1970-71 stat: Zzzzzzzzz
Hit the sack: You're getting sleepy. Sllleeeeepppyy. It's been a long day, buddy. There, there. You should take a load off and turn in for the night. Take off those heavy gloves. There you go. Put the kneepads away and get into your PJs. Now you're comfortable, huh, buddy? Yeah, pull up those covers, right up to that bushy little mustache of yours. Warm enough? Need some milk? Oh, you're sleepy. Are your eyelids getting heavy? Just close those baby-blues. Close 'em. Close 'em. There you go, Tommy. Sweet dreams of fast ice and Zambonis. Nighty-night.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti


Casey Jones, 1989-1990 7th Inning Sketch (Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Casey Jones
Team: North Bay Centennials
Position: Mascot
Value of card: 14 tickets to watch the North Bay Centennials, a junior ice hockey team in the Ontario Hockey League before their disbandment in 2002
Key 1988-89 stat: 761 mustache twirls
The North Bay Centennials' scouting report on mascot Casey Jones: "Anyone who will pierce his skin with sharp twigs to emulate above-nose whiskers is OK in our book.  ... We think this guy can 'conduct' the offense and 'engineer' victories. ... His mouth is perfectly shaped to shoot cylinders long distances, so we won't need to buy one of those shirt-zookas to rile up the crowd. ... He's got a locomotive, that's for sure (so say the ladies). ... It's our intent to frighten the children who attend our games to the point that they crap the bed and don't sleep for weeks, so we can consider that accomplished. ... We'll need to get those cheek tumors looked at. ... We're interested, but we think he might get a big head. ... Hell, we're a junior hockey team in Ontario, sign him up and let him play wherever he wants!"

Card submitted by Douglas Corti