Showing posts with label McDowell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label McDowell. Show all posts


Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."


Roger McDowell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 22)

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Reliever
Value of card: It ain't worth squat
Key 1990 stat: 1.2 GPA at Lasorda University
Time for a practical-joker pop quiz:

What does that prankster Roger McDowell have wrapped around his head?

(A) The sweat sock he usually has stuffed down his pants.
(B) The washcloth he uses to wipe that stupid look off his face.
(C) A "hair bra" to hold up his weighty mullet.
(D) Tommy Lasorda's tighty-whities. (throw-up sounds)
(E) None of the above.


Roger McDowell, 1990 Topps

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: Endless flowing curls
Key 1989 stat: Zero neck pain
Script from Roger McDowell's 1989 TV commercial: "You may know me for being the go-to guy when the Phillies need a save. But until recently, I've been wondering who would save me from neck pain. (Cut to shot of a grimacing McDowell rubbing his neck during a game.) My mullet is my baby, but its volume and heft were killing me! That's why I invented this: Roger McDowell's Hair Bra. (Cut to shot of McDowell holding product like a newborn.) The Hair Bra works like this: Slip it over your head and tuck it under your mane. Adjust to fit, and that's it! Your neck gets the support it needs without covering up that beautiful Tennessee waterfall. Sure, you won't be able to fit a ballcap over it, but that just means the party in the back will be that much more visible. Thanks, Hair Bra!"



Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: New York Mets
Position: Closer, jerk
Value of card: Jack squat
Key 1987 stat: 129,031 insults of teammates
Catching heat: Roger McDowell must have majored in being a jerk at Lasorda University. When Donruss came around to take its photos for its 1988 set, McDowell stole one of catcher Gary Carter's mitts and promptly took a squat. "Hey guys, look at me! I'm Gary Carter. Did you guys know I only batted .235 last year? And that I'm fat and slow and stupid?" McDowell went on, saying unfortunate things about Carter's wife and questioning his masculinity in about 20 different ways. The cameramen were uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as McDowell after an irate Carter ran over and stretched the mitt over the closer's face.


Roger McDowell, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Ziploc bag of curly mullet hair
Key 1991 stat: 14 credit-hours at Lasorda University
Clearing up some rumors about Roger McDowell:
  • McDowell didn't wear a hat on the field, he let his curly locks shield him from the sun.
  • McDowell didn't carry a knife, he used his Oakley Blades as a shiv.
  • McDowell didn't grow his mullet, it was part of a combo package, along with the Blades, sold exclusively to major leaguers in the early 1990s.
  • McDowell is not blind, he just lacked fashion sense.



Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One associate's degree
Key 1992 stat: One class audited at Lasorda University
Pop quiz at Lasorda U:

What is the mascot of Lasorda University's athletics teams?

(A) The Splintered Toothpicks
(B) The Sopping Headbands
(C) The Single Gloves
(D) The Greasy Mullets
(E) The Pot-Bellied Scuzzballs
(F) All of the above