Nick Leyva, 1989 Topps

Name: "Fat" Nick "The Tuna" Leyva
Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Genovese Family
Positions: Manager, Capo
Value of card: "Hey, oh, who's askin', wiseguy?"
Key 1988 stat: 162 times the Phillies didn't cover the spread
The Legend of Fat Nick the Tuna: As a mid-level mafioso, "Fat" Nick "The Tuna" Leyva bungled orders and commanded little respect. His racket was gambling, but the bosses couldn't bet on his results. Fat Nick was a made guy, so whacking him wasn't in the cards. "Hey, oh, this Fat Nick, he's a strunzo. I need a bigger taste of the baseball business," one boss said to another over some gabagool. "In this thing of ours, ya know, a guy like Fat Nick can be valuable," the other boss said. "Let's send this jamoke to Philadelphia and get him in the game." Within weeks, Fat Nick the Tuna was reassigned from Brooklyn to Philadelphia, where he gave the Phillies' owner an offer he couldn't refuse. Fat Nick was named the manager in 1988, and the team fell short of the spread in every game that season. The Phillies' play suffered under the weight of Fat Nick's questionable decisions, but the family in New York raked in the dough. Fans said the team was in the dumps. Fat Nick agreed, somewhat: "My crew, we're in the waste management business."



Jeff Reardon, 1991 Topps

Name: Jeff Reardon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Postions: Pitcher
Value of card: One warm face
Key 1990 stat: Zero beard trimmings
Top 10 nicknames for Jeff Reardon's beard:
10) The Fortress of Solitude
9) The Gum Catcher
8) The Face Blanket
7) Black Velvet
6) Man O' War
5) Crumb Central
4) The Mouth Mullet
3) The Rabbi
2) Oil Can
1) Jeff Beardon

Mike Bordick, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Bordick
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four ounces of sand
Key 1991 stat: One championship belt
Double threat: We've profiled a handful of two-sport players here at the Bust, including Deion Sanders, Kenny Lofton and the immortal Bo Jackson, but perhaps no athlete has bridged a wider professional gap than Mike "The Barracuda" Bordick. An MLB shortstop by day, Bordick could often be found moonlighting at seedy, late-night professional wrestling events. His bare chest glistening with oil under rented lights, The Barracuda took on all comers, unleashing an arsenal of staged moves and eventually earning a "championship" belt with a real gold-painted plastic centerpiece. But Bordick's late nights began catching up with him, leading to confusion on his part. Here we see Bordick about to unleash a Flying Nuclear Elbow Drop on a hapless Tigers baserunner. After breaking the man's jaw, The Barracuda gave up the ring, thereby completely removing himself from any possible contact with steroids.


Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One shirt off his back
Key 1990 stat: Three pairs of shorts worn at all times
Clearing up some rumors about Derrick Thomas:

  • Derrick Thomas isn't staring at you twice. Those are nipples.
  • Derrick Thomas isn't wearing shorts. His thigh muscles exploded his pants.
  • Derrick Thomas doesn't always go shirtless. Sometimes he wears American Indian garb.
  • Derrick Thomas isn't wearing gloves. Those are veinmakers.
  • Derrick Thomas isn't showcasing his bulge. It's showcasing him.



R.J. Reynolds, 1989 Topps

Name: R.J. Reynolds
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One tumor
Key 1988 stat: 17 congressional hearings
Fun facts about R.J. Reynolds, the baseball player, and R.J. Reynolds, the tobacco company:
  • Baseball's R.J. Reynolds signs autographs for children. Tobacco's R.J. Reynolds signs out-of-court settlements for selling cigarettes to children.
  • Baseball's R.J. Reynolds has a neatly trimmed beard. Tobacco's R.J. Reynolds has acres upon acres of neatly trimmed, delicious poison.
  • Baseball's R.J. Reynolds wears No. 23 to honor his late father. Tobacco's R.J. Reynolds may or may not have led to baseball's R.J. Reynolds' father's death from lung cancer.
  • Baseball's R.J. Reynolds hit safely in 12 games in a row in 1988. Tobacco's R.J. Reynolds sent a thank-you card to Malcolm "Tubby" Taylor, who chain-smoked 574 cigarettes in a row in 1988.
  • Baseball's R.J. Reynolds zips up his Starter windbreaker to look cool. Tobacco's R.J. Reynolds has been making high school kids look cool behind the bleachers for decades.
  • Baseball's R.J. Reynolds runs the bases in a silky-smooth fashion. Tobacco's R.J. Reynolds makes silky-smooth menthols that cause smokers who run the bases to cough up a gall bladder.



Lee Tunnell, 1986 Topps

Name: Lee Tunnell
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50-cent ice cream, subsequently used in attempt to lure a child into a van
Key 1985 stat: Three stripes on a ridiculous hat
Clearing up a few rumors about Lee Tunnell:
  • Tunnell's eyesight wasn't poor. He had to complete his "creepy pedophile" look.
  • Tunnell didn't trim his sideburns. They left after becoming disgusted by his mullet.
  • Tunnell wasn't a baseball player. He was an apprentice to a chimney sweep.
  • Tunnell didn't write his initials on his glove. He just liked sandwiches.
  • Tunnell didn't have plastic surgery. He lost his chin in a game of pai gow in the back of a dimly lit Chinese restaurant.



Todd Helton, 2004 Fleer Legend

Names: Todd Helton, Giant Head Todd Helton
Teams: Colorado Rockies, Colorado Rockies' Team of Giants
Positions: First base, skyscraper
Value of card: Head's side of a penny
Key 2003 stat: One noggin the size a Jupiter moon
Conversation between Todd Helton and Giant Head Todd Helton:
Giant Head Todd Helton: Hey there, buddy. You're lookin' pretty good.
Todd Helton: Um, thanks. Where did you come from? You're a massive head.
GHTH: Don't worry about me. Let's talk about you. Those are awfully strong arms.
TH: Well, I work out a lot. Wait, how am I talking to a giant head that looks like me?
GHTH: Shh, shh. Don't be nervous. Look at those thighs on you. I bet the ladies love them.
TH: No one has ever complimented me on my thighs, humongous head. And, frankly, you're starting to creep me out.
GHTH: I love those sunglasses on you. Look: I got the same pair. We're like twins.
TH: We're not twins. You're a head the size of water silo.
GHTH: I'm just a big admirer of yours. Can't you see the love in my eyes?
TH: This is starting to get awkward.
GHTH: Nonsense. I see you won a Fleer Legs award. Well-deserved.
TH: That's "Fleer Legend." The rest of the word is behind my calf.
GHTH: I'd sure like to suckle that calf.
(Todd Helton runs away. Giant Head Todd Helton begins to cry.)

Card submitted by Patrick Cant


Phil Niekro, 1987 Fleer

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Cleveland Indians
Positions: Ace, knuckleballer
Value of card: "When I was your age, it cost a nickel."
Key 1986 stat: Two bum knees that predict the weather
10 things yelled at Phil Niekro while he was on the mound in 1986:
10) "You're twice as old as your number plus 6!"
9) "Hey, honey, do those stirrups go all the way up?"
8) "Somebody get Grandpa off the field and back in the home!"
7) "Is that dust coming from the mound or your psoriasis?"
6) "And your starting pitcher, in his 67th big-league season ..."
5) "Is it true that during your rookie year you were at war against the Indians?"
4) "Between innings, check out our brochure on a reverse mortgage!"
3) "Hey, old man, what'd you say about my wife and the knuckler?"
2) "No, you get off my lawn!"
1) "You're literally over the hill!"



Randy Ready, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Randy Ready
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Infield
Value of card: You ready? Nothing.
Key 1990 stat: 412 at-bats, 412 pop-ups
Ready for a pop quiz?

Why isn't Randy ready?

(A) His Sears-purchased dress belt is too tight
(B) His mullet is so heavy it's making his head tilt
(C) His bulge is out-of-whack
(D) He knows he's disappointing all four of the fans at the game, sitting directly behind him
(E) All of the above



D.B. Sweeney, aka "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, 1988 Pacific "Eight Men Out" Series

Name: "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, as played by D.B. Sweeney
Team: Chicago Black Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero shoes
Key 1987 stat: N/A (Jackson was dead)
Top 10 rejected titles for "Eight Men Out":
10) "The Tale of Shoeless Joe and the Joe-ettes"
9) "The Bad News White Sox"
8) "Field of Bribes"
7) "Raging Bull Durham"
6) "Charles Comiskey Was Kind Of A Jerk"
5) "South Side Story"
4) "Shoeless Joe Actually Wore Shoes"
3) "Butch Cassidy and the Shoeless Kid"
2) "What Kind of Nicknames Are Sleepy, Hap, Chick And Swede?"
1) "A Baseball Movie Without Kevin Costner"

Marvin Jones, 1993 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 39)

Name: Marvin "Shade Tree" Jones
Teams: New York Jets, Oak Branches
Positions: Linebacker, shade provider
Value of card: Four twigs, set afire, stomped out, and then buried
Key 1990 stat: 48-inch girth
Marvin Jones' stream of consciousness, 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Aug. 15, 1993: "I can't believe these Pro Line idiots made me climb a tree. OK. I get it. My nickname is 'Shade Tree.' But this demeans me and my on-the-field accomplishments. And it's such an tired pun. What does he mean my Zubaz pants are clashing with the foliage? These are the most radical pants on the market. I wear them everywhere: the locker room, the club, MC Hammer music videos. I'm not taking them off for anyone. Good thing I wore my bodacious high-tops today. They're great for climbing trees. Wait. Why am I perched in these branches, staring toward the horizon? These Pro Line photo shoots are ridiculous. It's not like they'd make Mark Clayton climb a goal post or have Charles Mann take off his shirt. Hold up. Did that guy over there just make a 'Roots' joke? I oughta ..."



Jody Davis, 1989 Topps

Name: Jody Davis
Teams: Chicago Cubs, Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 10 percent off your next U-Haul rental
Key 1988 stat: Zero job security
Top 10 reasons the Cubs traded Jody Davis to Atlanta:
10) They thought Jody was a girl's name.
9) He kept chewing on the Wrigley Field turf, convinced it was actually made of gum.
8) General manager Jim Frey loved naming players later.
7) He wasn't traded so much as left off the team bus at the close of a road trip to Atlanta.
6) His love for thumb wrestling put three different pitchers on the DL.
5) He just wasn't a good squatter.
4) He never put out a new roll after using the last of the toilet paper.
3) A coward, they knew he'd never make a good Brave.
2) The idiot kept forgetting to wear his catcher's gear during games.
1) The Hawk demanded it.


Dickie Thon, 1987 Topps

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One dickie
Key 1987 stat: Zero spring training road trips
The best-laid plans: Tired of having to fly all across Florida in March, Astros owner John McMullen made a rogue decision in 1987 — stay home for spring training. The move was a hit with fans, but not with the players. All-Star shortstop Dickie Thon could no longer impress random sunbathing Florida beauties by walking up to them and saying, "Hello, I'm Dickie." Mike Scott had to abandon his preseason tradition of wrestling alligators. But the biggest difference, of course, was the level of competition. Here we see Mr. Thon warming up before a scrimmage against the Dutton's Laundromatic PowerWashers at Moses Leroy Park in downtown Houston. Nolan Ryan struck out 24 and beaned four others in a resounding 50-2 win that day, but the success did not carry over to the regular season, as the woefully unprepared Astros finished 48 games under .500. To the despair of Florida's gators, the team returned the very next spring.

Cecil Espy, 1989 Fleer

Name: Cecil Espy
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A mouthful
Key 1988 stat: 196,390 swallows
Time to choose your own adventure: You are Cecil Espy, second-year outfielder for the Texas Rangers. You've just done a big favor — yes, that kind of favor — for manager Bobby Valentine in order to lock up a starting position on Opening Day. You know Bobby V isn't the most, um, hygienic guy around. What do you do with the "remnants"?

To spit it into this intrusive camera guy's lens, click here.
To pass it on to somebody even more disgusting, click here.
To just swallow, baby, click here.



Joe Carter, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Joe Carter
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1989 stat: 162 theft charges
Playing dirty: The 1987 Cleveland Indians were terrible. At 61-101, they only added to the stink in Cleveland. The team would have caused its fans to drown themselves in the Cuyahoga River — if it hadn't already been on fire. Interim manager Doc Edwards realized he had to do something to even the playing field. Steroids didn't work. Spitballs didn't either. Edwards was forced to resort to stealing — stealing bases, stealing signs, even stealing the opposition's equipment. Above we see big, bruising Joe Carter making off with a handful of bats from the Minnesota Twins' dugout. By gametime, Cleveland's opponent often was forced to make an emergency run to Big 5 Sporting Goods just to have enough cleats and jocks to take the field. It made no difference; the Indians were still terrible, and Edwards was sentenced to community service at season's end. And a remorseful Carter spent the rest of his career treating other players like they were his own children.

Bonus: You gotta love the shorts-and-fanny-pack combo on the guy climbing the stairs in the background.



Juan Gonzalez, 1990 Donruss

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Minus-1 cent
Key 1989 stat: 618 backward K's
ziuq poP:

Why is Juan Gonzalez backward?
A) He's not. He's wearing his "rally jersey."
B) He's not. He's taunting the pitcher by changing his number to e1.
C) He's not. That prankster Al Newman is just messing with your head.
D) He's not. That reverse 19 is just where Nolan Ryan branded him.
E) It's just a cardmaking error, you idiot. Stop giving us all these damn quizzes!



Jorge Bell, 1986 Topps

Name: Jorge "George" Bell
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used blue jay nest
Key 1985 stat: 162 naps
Catching some Z's: After hearing reports that Ken Griffey Jr. missed a pinch-hit appearance because he was sleeping in the clubhouse, we here at the Bust were perplexed. What's the big deal? Jorge Bell used to sleep all the time during games. Here we see him shortly after being roused from a nap on the dugout bench, hat askew, sleep crust still in his eyes. Sure, he was diagnosed with narcolepsy after passing out in left field in 1988, but that was just a technicality. With as much work as he put into his Jheri curl, he had to get at least 10 hours of shuteye a day just to battle the exhaustion.


Cullen Bryant, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 38)

Name: Cullen "Azeem the Painted Man" Bryant
Teams: Los Angeles Rams, The Merry Men
Position: Running back, Trusted Moor Bodyguard
Value of card: All the gold plundered from the rich and bestowed upon the poor
Key 1976 stat: 2,600 freckles
The painted man: Cullen Bryant was imprisoned in Jerusalem when he met Ron "Of Locksley" Jaworski, a quarterback whose career was winding down with the Rams. Jaworski nicknamed his new friend "Azeem," and saved his life during an escape from the prison. Azeem vowed to accompany Ron of Locksley until the debt of saving his life was repaid. This led Azeem to join the Los Angeles Rams, a group of players who spent their offseason hiding in the Sherwood Forest off Interstate 110 in L.A. While on the team, Azeem was given a second nickname, "The Painted Man," because of his freckles. Team owner Georgia Frontiere, known to many as a witch, told reporters she dreamed a "painted man" would lead her to financial ruin. When she heard of Cullen "Azeem the Painted Man" Bryant, she grew agitated and threatened to cut Ron of Locksley to spite Azeem and send the quarterback to a two-bit sports network. Realizing the opportunity to repay his debt to Ron of Locksley, Azeem grabbed a bow and arrow and headed to Frontiere's office. As she cackled and cursed his freckles, Azeem shot her with an arrow and cleared his path to a future as the voice of god.



George Foster, 1986 Topps

Name: George Foster
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One night out with the Rat Pack
Key 1985 stat: 28,302 times called "The Candyman"
George Foster, aka Sammy Davis Jr., A to Z:
A - Ass that won't quit
B - Bulge that won't quit
C - Captivated audiences worldwide
D - Dean Martin kept confusing him with Mookie Wilson
E - Everyone loves a man in Ray-Bans
F - First-rate entertainer and outfielder
G - Glass eye didn't stop him from hitting 52 homers in 1977
H - Handlebar mustache had all the ladies swooning
I - "I'm a short, ugly, one-eyed, black Jew." — Sammy Davis Jr.
J - Joey Bishop envied Foster's on-base percentage almost as much as his stage presence
K - Keith Hernandez always asked him to sing "Mr. Bojangles"
L - Lit up cigarettes in left field, just because he was that smooth
M - Mookie Wilson kept confusing him with Dean Martin
N - New York's favorite crooning slugger
O - Once fought Frank Sinatra in a Shea Stadium parking lot
P - Power numbers not as impressive as his tap dancing
Q - Qualified in fantasy leagues at outfield and troubadour
R - Roasted by teammates, then went home and cried like a little girl
S - Swinger, in more ways than one
T - "Top Gun" sunglasses
U - Usually entertained teammates with a little soft-shoe during fielding practice
V - Vegas took him in when Cooperstown wouldn't
W - Wiry thin, except from the waist down
X - Xylophonist extraordinaire
Y - Youngest man to ever win a Grammy and Silver Slugger award in same year
Z - Zero: Number of times he removed his aviators


Baltimore Orioles, 1987 Topps Team Leaders

Names: Don Aase, Earl Weaver, Rick Dempsey
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Pitcher, manager, catcher
Value of card: Three splinters
Key 1986 stat: 200 comical trips to the mound
Let's see who's leading the Orioles after The Matchup:

Round 1: Highest belt (Winner: Weaver)
Round 2: Excess fabric in pants (Winner: Weaver)
Round 3: Waddling (Winner: Weaver)
Round 4: Tubbiness (Winner: Weaver)
Round 5: Mismatched sleeve length (Winner: Weaver)
Round 6: Stirrups about to fall down (Winner: Weaver)
Round 7: Orthopedic shoes (Winner: Weaver)
Round 8: Crotchetiness (Winner: Weaver)
Round 9: Laughs at expense of manger (Winner: Tie between entire team)

Score: Weaver 8, Rest of team 1

Summary: There is little in life that is funnier than a chubby old man wearing a 1980s baseball uniform.


Joe DeSa, 1986 Topps

Name: Joe "El Tigre" DeSa
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Sinaloa Cartel
Positions: First base, drug kingpin
Value of card: 1 kilo
Key 1985 stat: 347 gangland killings ordered
The boss of bosses: In the early 1980s, Jose "El Tigre" DeSa ruled much of Mexico with an iron fist ... an iron fist of blood. He was responsible for nearly a third of all the cocaine that flooded across the U.S. border and ordered hundreds of killings with his trademark "sign of death," a stroke of his mustache. He was worth millions and had more power than the president, but the law was fast approaching. El Tigre, who earned the nickname because his mustache and eyebrows looked like tiger stripes, knew he needed to transform his life or he would rot in jail for decades. After a midmorning meal, El Tigre saw his children playing catch in a field on his ranch. At that moment he knew: His new life would be baseball.
A regular Joe: Jose "El Tigre" DeSa's first order of business was drastically changing his name to something unrecognizable. He became Joe "El Tigre" DeSa, a first baseman with a monobrow as wicked as his taste for blood. He had trouble finding a team until he sliced out the kidney of the White Sox's director of scouting. From there, drug runs turned into home runs, kilos became singles, triple-murders turned into triples and, yes, hits became hits.


Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson, 1990 Fleer Human Dynamos

Names: Kirby Puckett, Bo Jackson
Teams: Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals
Positions: Outfield, outfield
Value of card: $2 (check that) 2 cents (check that) Two dust bunnies
Key 1989 stat: One legendary athlete; one Kirby Puckett
Fun Facts about Kirby Puckett and Bo Jackson:
  • Bo Jackson played baseball and football. Kirby Puckett played baseball and with himself.
  • Bo Jackson is a "human dynamo." Kirby Puckett is a human.
  • Bo Jackson had many roles in sports. Kirby Puckett had many rolls on his neck.
  • Bo Jackson was known for his records. Kirby Puckett was known for his record.
  • Bo Jackson wrote one book. Kirby Puckett was booked more than once.
  • Bo Jackson made spectacular grabs and catches. Kirby Puckett grabbed and was caught.
  • Bo Jackson played for the Raiders. Kirby Puckett was also a criminal.



Craig Biggio, 2000 Pacific Gold Crown

Name: Craig Biggio
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Second base
Value of card: Five broken mirrors
Key 1999 stat: One trip to the matrix
Choose your own adventure: You are Craig Biggio, all-star second baseman for the Houston Astros. You play the game with grace, bringing power, speed and defense to the table every game. Suddenly, you are abducted by Laurence Fishburne, who tells you that baseball is just an illusion, a computer program run by machines that controls you. He offers to show you the truth. What do you do?

To take the blue pill, click here.
To take the red pill, click here.
To stop after one movie, avoiding two god-awful sequels, click here.



Dave Landaker, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Landaker
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Not worth the children's construction paper it's printed on
Key 1992 stat: One futuristic foray to a place nowhere near the big leagues
Astros' scouting report on No. 2 draft pick Dave Landaker: "Throws right. Bats right. Craps right. ... Has an incandescent glow about him. ... Wears a mock turtleneck well. Could be a future there. ... Seems right at home on a "Baseball Stars" field. ... Mustache could use some work. ... Though promising, could have used that extra year of middle school. ... Stupid name. Stupid face. ... Swings both ways. Wink, wink. ... Wears Mizuno shoes; may be Japanese. ... Has a forehead like a Jumbotron; something to pursue if shortstop doesn't work out."



Christian Okoye, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 37)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Okoye says
Key 1990 stat: 612 Zubaz stripes
Clearing up some rumors about Christian Okoye:
  • Okoye was not going bald. His hair had retreated in fright from his piercing stare.
  • Okoye did not roll up his sleeves. His muscles did it for him.
  • Okoye did not dress like a horror film character and have his way with opposing teams' players. At least not when he was sober.
  • Okoye did not wear Zubaz pants. He captured and skinned a red, white and yellow zebra.
  • Okoye did not endorse this card or this blog post. He dares you to laugh.



Dave Lopes, 1987 Topps '86 Record Breaker

Name: Dave "Davey" Lopes
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Second base
Value of card: 40 cents
Key 1986 stat: 11 records broken, season, 40-year-old
10 other records Davey Lopes broke in 1986:
10) Most wrinkles, face, 40-year-old
9) Most stolen TVs, season, 40-year-old
8) Most barf colors, shoulder patches, 40-year-old
7) Most regrets, life, 40-year-old
6) Most name changes from "Lopez," genealogical history, 40-year-old
5) Most freebases, season, 40-year-old
4) Most mustache, upper lip, 40-year-old
3) Most days without hair-washing, season, 40-year-old
2) Most wood-grainy face, season, 40-year-old
1) Most worthless baseball record, ever, any age

Card submitted by Patrick Cant


Steve Trout, 1989 Topps

Name: Steve "Insert Fish Reference Here" Trout
Team: Seattle Mariners (so fitting)
Positions: Pitcher, Mariner, Flounder
Value of card: Three nightcrawlers
Key 1988 stat: $25 fishing license
Drop anchor, it's time for another pop quiz:

What was Steve Trout's best nickname in 1989?

(A) Steve "LGBT Rainbow" Trout
(B) Steve "The Krout" Trout
(C) Steve "Give Him the Hook" Trout
(D) Steve "Master Baiter" Trout
(E) Steve "Bangkok Bait Shop" Trout
(F) None of the above

Fun fact: Steve Trout never played alongside longtime major leaguer Tim Salmon, but scouts consider Trout oilier than Salmon.

Card submitted by Patrick Cant



Jeff Reardon, 1991 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reardon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6-ounce gold chain with 17 intertwined chest hairs
Key 1990 stats: 3 inches of thickness, beard; 2 inches of thickness, eyebrows
The legend of "Rearendoso": Jeff Reardon was raised in an Inuit village in the barren wilderness of Kodiak, Alaska. His people were of the earth, and pushed aside Western concepts of wealth and success in favor of simpler pastimes: beard growing and tree chopping. Reardon's potential blossomed at an early age. At 6, his beard was bushy, leading a tribal elder to bestow upon him the name "Rearendso," or, in English, "The Bearded Wonder Child Whose Face Is a Fertile Field of Manliness and Machismo." Reardon's facial follicles weren't the only things quickly producing growth. His taste for moose meat and glacier ice made his arms muscular by age 13, and when the village's strongest men partook in their annual tree-chopping competition with a neighboring lumberjack village, Reardon's full potential became apparent. While the rival lumberjacks used axes and blunt baseball bat-shaped logs to fell trees, Reardon and his people hurled rocks at the base of massive Douglas firs. As the competition was coming to a close and most the the Inuit and lumberjacks were exhausted, Reardon kept hurling stones and clearing forest, thinking victory was assured. But one young lumberjack matched him hack for hurl. He was the one they called The Kodiak Brute. He was Greg Luzinksi. Reardon and Luzinski hacked and hurled for many moons. Just as the wolf howls and the river flows, Rearendoso and The Kodiak Brute continued their battle. It was a competition for the ages that drew on for so long no one remembers the winner. But every Inuit and lumberjack remembers one thing: The beards were beautiful.


Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Names: Greg Smith, Stu Tate
Teams: Chicago Cubs, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Infield, pitcher
Value of card: One copy of the May 1987 Highlights magazine
Key lifetime stat: 29 combined career games
Fun facts about Greg Smith and Stu Tate:
  • Greg Smith lays his coat over puddles for women to walk on. Stu Tate opens his raincoat around women for other reasons.
  • Greg Smith enters a house of worship every Sunday. Stu Tate enters a house of ill repute every Saturday night.
  • Greg Smith likes to take his dog for a walk in the park. Stu Tate likes to take a handle of cherry-flavored vodka to the park and pass out there.
  • Greg Smith takes good care of his body. Stu Tate has stolen at least five kidneys from other people's bodies.
  • Greg Smith takes his vitamins. Stu Tate sells pills in alleyways.
  • Greg Smith likes to read books. Stu Tate likes to make books.
  • Greg Smith takes pride in his hygiene. Stu Tate smells like a week's worth of blood sausage and Hai Karate.



Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, 1993 Diamond Sports

Names: Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire
Teams: Oakland A's, Blues Bash Brothers
Positions: Outfield, first base, posers
Value of card: Definitely less than 10 cents
Key 1992 stat: One stolen police car
Top 10 most absurd things about this card (and believe us, there are more than 10):
10) Mark McGwire is no Blues Brother. The only situation in which he dances well is around the truth.
9) There's enough yellow on this card to blind an eagle.
8) Honestly, what the hell is it with those gigantic bats?
7) Half of the police car's tire has been Photoshopped out.
6) This is the only time in his life that Jose Canseco has worn a jacket AND a shirt.
5) These two are in fact on a mission from God. That mission is to inject themselves with enough steroids to kill a rhinoceros.
4) McGwire loves country music, but is indifferent to Western. Canseco only likes yacht rock.
3) Even though it says this is the March edition of Diamond Sports, everyone knows it came out in April.
2) Neither Canseco nor McGwire could hold John Belushi's jock.
1) Both of these guys actually like Illinois Nazis.