Jeff Reardon, 1991 Donruss

Name: Jeff Reardon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: 6-ounce gold chain with 17 intertwined chest hairs
Key 1990 stats: 3 inches of thickness, beard; 2 inches of thickness, eyebrows
The legend of "Rearendoso": Jeff Reardon was raised in an Inuit village in the barren wilderness of Kodiak, Alaska. His people were of the earth, and pushed aside Western concepts of wealth and success in favor of simpler pastimes: beard growing and tree chopping. Reardon's potential blossomed at an early age. At 6, his beard was bushy, leading a tribal elder to bestow upon him the name "Rearendso," or, in English, "The Bearded Wonder Child Whose Face Is a Fertile Field of Manliness and Machismo." Reardon's facial follicles weren't the only things quickly producing growth. His taste for moose meat and glacier ice made his arms muscular by age 13, and when the village's strongest men partook in their annual tree-chopping competition with a neighboring lumberjack village, Reardon's full potential became apparent. While the rival lumberjacks used axes and blunt baseball bat-shaped logs to fell trees, Reardon and his people hurled rocks at the base of massive Douglas firs. As the competition was coming to a close and most the the Inuit and lumberjacks were exhausted, Reardon kept hurling stones and clearing forest, thinking victory was assured. But one young lumberjack matched him hack for hurl. He was the one they called The Kodiak Brute. He was Greg Luzinksi. Reardon and Luzinski hacked and hurled for many moons. Just as the wolf howls and the river flows, Rearendoso and The Kodiak Brute continued their battle. It was a competition for the ages that drew on for so long no one remembers the winner. But every Inuit and lumberjack remembers one thing: The beards were beautiful.


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