Showing posts with label Tennis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tennis. Show all posts


Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First baseman
Value of card: The little rubber "W" in in racket strings
Key 1991 stat: Never actually played tennis
Things are about to get punderful: Sure, everyone knows Hal Morris was aces at the plate, but for a long time, there was one area where he wasn't king of the court: love. He cast his net at women of all ages      40, 30, even 15 once, though her father told Hal to bounce      but he was consistently left playing with his own fuzzy balls. He aimed to serve the ladies however he could, but they would just end up taking a swing at him. His failures left him high-strung, always set on finding fault. Angry, he slammed his fist into the wall, creating quite a racket. But just when he was about to retire and play singles for the rest of his life, along came a Czechoslovakian stunner named Martina whose game was the perfect match for his own.


Pete Sampras, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 7)

Name: Pete Sampras
Country: United States
Value of card: Shower-drain wipings
Key 1991 stat: One tiny hat
Fun facts about Pete Sampras, circa 1991:
  • Tiniest head on the pro tour, men's or women's.
  • Shortest shorts, too.
  • He started growing leg hair at age 7.
  • Didn't grow hair anywhere else until age 20.
  • Already hated Andre Agassi.



Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)

Name: Martina Navratilova
Country: United States
Value of card: Headband sweat
Key 1991 stat: 60-pound leg muscles
Clearing up some rumors about Martina Navratilova:
  • No, Martina Navratilova is not a man, nor has she ever been. They did tests and everything, so stop asking and grow up already. Sheesh.
  • While it's true that Navratilova, with her thigh muscles the size of tree trunks, could kick your ass, she doesn't actually want to. Yet.
  • Navratilova does in fact bear a resemblance to Tom Petty. But what you may not know is that Navratilova is the better singer.
  • No, her haircut is not more ridiculous than Andre Agassi's. It is taller, however.
  • Yes, with its pastel floral pattern on all items of clothing, including the awesome headband, this is the ultimate 1990s women's tennis outfit. And yes, Martina Navratilova still wears it.



Yannick Noah, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 5)

Name: Yannick Noah
Country: France (of course)
Value of card: Three hairballs pulled from the shower drain
Key 1990 stat: One ark
10 reasons this card requires stereotypical France bashing:
10) The promotion of ugly 1980s socks with colored rings near top is despicable.
9) Bony, shaved legs have been known to induce vomiting.
8) It makes you say the name "Yannick" out loud.
7) The subject of this card ended up fathering this thing.
6) He's wearing a massive beret. ... Wait, what's that? That's his hair?
5) He stinks of the smelliest cheese in all of Paris —and French women like it.
4) His shorts barely cover his "bona-part."
3) Noah, a Frenchman, "surrendered" many aces. Ba-dum-ching.
2) This a-hole is a pop star.
1) Cavemen can't play tennis.


Gary Muller, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 4)

Name: Axl Rose Gary Muller
Country: South Africa
Value of card: 1 gram of cocaine
Key 1990 stat: Four No. 1 hits
Gary Muller could be Axl Rose's twin. So, let's answer a few questions:
Relationship between Muller and tennis skills? "Estranged"
Snorting an 8-ball of cocaine before a match? "It's So Easy"
The South African's opinion of Johannesburg? "Paradise City"
Waiting for a tournament title from him? "Patience"
What did Muller say to his back-hair waxer? "Welcome to the Jungle"
Muller's nickname for his, ahem, junk: "Sweet Child O' Mine"
Ever seen Muller in action on the court? "Don't Cry"


Peanut Louie Harper, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 3)

Name: Peanut Louie Harper
Country: United States
Value of card: Four empty peanut shells
Key 1991 stat: 42,118,239,002 jokes about her name
Get ready to groan: Life's not easy for a tennis player named Peanut. But Peanut Louie Harper learned to take the crunchy with the smooth. Sure, she heard enough jokes about her name to make her nuts, but she refused to let those people turn her into a shell of her former self. They'd pour salt into the wound, but Peanut never cracked under the pressure — she just wasn't that brittle. Instead, she planted her feet, cultivated her talent and ended up roasting the competition.


Goran Prpic, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 2)

Name: Goran Prpic
Country: Yugoslavia
Value of card: Two broken VHS copies of "The Terminator"
Key 1991 stat: 4,000 buckles
We can rebuild him: Tragedy struck Yugoslavian tennis star Goran Prpic in 1986 when he was involved in a high-speed donkey cart accident, nearly costing him his leg and severing almost all the vowels from his surname. Inspired by "The Six Million Dollar Man," which had finally premiered in Yugoslavia, the nation's heads of state called in their top physicians, not just to heal Prpic, but to make him faster, stronger and better at tennis. But, being Yugoslavia, the doctors didn't have much money to work with. So, instead of being fitted with a bionic knee, Prpic was given a gigantic leg brace made of masking tape, cardboard, velcro and dog collars. And while it didn't make him any better at tennis, it did provide him with a couple extra places to store tennis balls.


Andre Agassi, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 1)

Name: Andre Agassi
Country: United States
Value of card: 3 square inches of spandex, no more
Key 1990 stat: 67-inch mullet
Welcome to Wimbledon Week: The grass at the All England Club is green, the balls are out, the forehands are coming overhand and Dick Enberg is slurring about service and love somewhere. This can mean only one thing: It's Wimbledon Week on The Bust. For one tortuous, tennis-filled week, we'll look at some the best and worst of the early 1990s. Expect a lot of faults.
You can't spell "Agassi" without "ass": Just who did this fancy-pants toolbox think he was? What's brighter: the neon on the racquet or the neon in his wig? It must be a wig, because why else would this guy wear a secondhand tuxedo cummerbund around his head? It's nice, though, that his obnoxious pink headband matches his obnoxious pink T-shirt and his obnoxious pink spandex shorts. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was putting fashion ahead of tennis. The leather-band watch is a nice touch. It really goes well with the rest of the sporty outfit. The one thing Agassi was missing in 1991? A beard. Boom.