Dick MacPherson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Dick MacPherson
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One mustard stain
Key 1991 stat: 4,619 liver spots on hands
Top 10 places you've seen Dick MacPherson's sweater:
10) The Goodwill down the street
9) The shadier Goodwill across town
8) In your dad's dresser
7) At that Bad Christmas Sweater Party you went to last year
6) On your neighbor's ugly dog in the winter
5) We're pretty sure Tom Brady wore it a couple years back
4) About 20 years ago, on some old guy at Pro Line Studios. ... Hey, wait a minute!
3) In your uncle's rag drawer
2) In a gift box from Grandma three Christmases ago
1) On a homeless Dick MacPherson after he went 8-24 in two seasons with the Pats


Sparky Anderson, 1982 Donruss (Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: A cup of prune juice
Key 1981 stat: Enough neck wrinkles to make a turkey jealous
Just in time for the Super Bowl, welcome to Coach-Manager Week: Whether in a dugout or on the sidelines, a team's leader is an old dude who's almost always rocking a big gut and a bigger attitude. Too often these gentlemen of the game are cast aside, forgotten and never given the credit they deserve. The Bust wants to change that. For seven glorious days, we'll bring you the coaches and managers whose knowledge of the game is only exceeded by their fashion IQ.
Sparky Anderson's train of thought from 2:11 to 2:13 p.m., April 14, 1982: "I wonder if I should eat this baseball. ... This Gibson kid isn't going to amount to jack squat, I bet. ... 'Sweet' Lou — heh. He wasn't so sweet when he was talking about Chet Lemon's mother the other day. ... Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn! Oh, wait, that's the bullpen. ... I still can't believe we signed a guy named Wockenfuss. Isn't that German for something to do with a guy's junk? ... If I look like this now, at age 48, I wonder what I'll look like at age 70? Hmm."


Mike Cubbage, 1982 Topps

Name: Mike Cubbage
Team: Chicago Cubs New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Improbably little
Key 1981 stat: B+ in penmanship
Mike Cubbage, according to the odds:

100,000 to 1: He'd play eight years in the bigs, given his .258 average and 34 career homers
1 million to 1: He wouldn't end up on the Cubs, given his name and especially given those stats
1 to 1: He made an out with this swing
5,000 to 1: He got anywhere with the ladies while wearing those glasses
2 to 1: He later changed his name to Mike Cabbage and started selling produce at a farmers market


Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One cent for each inch of mustache
Key 1990 stat: Hair tousled 1,922 times
Eric Show's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: ShowMeTheMoney
Age: Thirtysomething
Height: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion — oh, I see. 6'1"
Weight: 185
Hair color: The brownest of the browns
Hairstyle: Carefree and greasy
Ethnicity: Spanish (as far as you know)*
(*Note from dating service: He's white)
Religious views: Far-right
Marital status: Once bitten, twice shy
Best feature: Mustache
Smoke? I throw it
Drink? All the Hennessy jou got on jour shelf

Seeking: Mi amor
Location: North America
Her body type: Plump
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Jes, I am Eric Show, the quasi-Latino lover, and I am here to love jou. My mustache is made from the finest fibers in all of Espana, and my hair contains enough oil to heat our home on cold winter nights.  Please, allow me to be the one to gaze meaningfully into jour eyes as I ply jou with champagne and oysters, building to the moment when we kiss and my mustache's primary purpose switches from warming my lips to warming jours.


Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: You know how much oxygen is in space? That much money.
Key 1991 stat: They were all out of this world
Breaking down this Randall Cunningham card by the numbers:

3: Nondescript planets that look about as dead as the Eagles' current season
3 (again): Footballs, two of which don't appear to be obeying any laws of physics
2: Towels hanging from Cunningham's belt, tastefully covering his bulge
6: Faraway galaxies seen. Whoops, make that five. One of them is just some Parmesean cheese we spilled on the card.
1: Huge cobweb that Cunningham is trapped in. Hopefully his helmet and pads will protect him from the giant space spider that made that thing.


Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!


Tim Lollar, 1982 Topps

Name: Tim Lollar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 lollar
Key 1981 stat: Three E's in last name (according to the child's handwriting above)
What can you buy for a "lollar"?
10) A jersey not consisting of three shades of barf
9) A legible signature
8) A dentist-endorsed mouth-closing device
7) A decent haircut
6) A card that doesn't have a production error smudge above the player's hat
5) An alien, not just a guy who looks like an alien
4) "Hold on, I'm thinking deeply about your question while staring at the horizon."
3) A hat that wasn't fished from the toilet.
2) A photo shot by a professional
1) This card, with 99 cents' change


Frank Tanana, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Frank Tanana, aka Scott Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 crumbled sunflower seed shells
Key 1990 stat: 1,274 X-Men comics read
The Legend of Frank Tanana: On a blustery day high above scenic Alaska, a young Frank Tanana and his family were attacked by an alien spacecraft as they flew home from vacation. Tanana's mother saved him and his brother by throwing them out of the plane with the only parachute. The alien attack scarred Tanana in a way that wouldn't show itself for years. As a teen, Tanana started feeling pain from behind his eyes. He visited a doctor, who discovered that only lenses made of ruby quartz could alleviate the pain. Soon after, Tanana's mutant power revealed itself, and he started shooting uncontrollable blasts of optic force from his eyes. With the ruby quartz shades and much practice, Tanana was able to harness his newfound power and make it to the big leagues, where scouts said he always had that X factor.


Tim Foli, 1982 Topps

Name: Tim Foli
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 ounces of the swill from the "upper deck" of a real pirate's toilet
Key 1981 stat: Zero washes of stinking, all-black uniform
So, what does Tim Foli stand for?

Terrible uniform, even for the Pirates
Imagine your 11th grade biology teacher playing in the pros
Mustache made from mole hair (not mohair)

Fim Foli or Pim Poli; who can tell with this signature?
Outer rings of Saturn around a square hat
Loot for this Pirate is an extra pack of yellow stirrups
Is that a V-neck jersey or do we need glasses as thick as Foli's?


Greg Vaughn, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Vaughn
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: Let me take a hard look
Key 1991 stat: Eyes on some sort of prize
What's Greg Vaughn staring down?

A) The pitcher
B) Opponents of mesh jerseys
C) The hot dog guy
D) His biggest enemy: Alphabetization
E) All of the above


Lenny Dykstra, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 42)

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three "refried" dips of chewing tobacco
Key 1990 stat: 7-inch turtleneck
A look at Lenny Dykstra, By the Numbers:

Hits, career: 1,298
Chews, career: 1.298 million
Batting average, career: .285
Bowl cut average, career: 1.000
Stolen bases, career: 285
Stolen business ideas, post-career: 285
Home runs, career: 81
Failed businesses, post-career: 81
Salary total, career: $29.8 million
Bankruptcy total, post-career: $29.8 million


Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Kansas Jayhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 ounces of stubble, shaved
Key 1992 stat: 82-2 record at Hungry Hungry Hippos
49ers' scouting report on first-round pick Dana Stubblefield: "This big kid could be a force if we find him a helmet that fits. ... Despite his high school-looking uniform, he did play in college. ... His use of a tube sock for an elbow pad and a bandanna for a belt shows he's resourceful. ... We'll ask this kid to wear those blue gloves when he's doing the dishes. ... In a surprising coincidence, our owners had plans to change the name Candlestick Park to Stubble Field. ... If he doesn't work out on the defense, we can use his sweat to water three-quarters of the San Joaquin Valley. ... Pro body, collegiate bulge."


Curt Schilling, 1990 Topps

Name: Curt Schilling
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Ignorance
Key 1989 stat: One small sample size
Orioles' scouting report on young right-hander Curt Schilling, circa 1990: "Expert at buttoning up his jersey all the way. ... Raw. That describes his talent and how he likes his steaks. ... Fastball could use some work. So could his eyebrows. ... We're hoping he'll be able to grow into a spot in our rotation. He's hoping he'll be able to grow some facial hair someday. ... Got ketchup on his sock the other day. Made a big production out of it. ... His sleeves go longer in a game than he can right now. ... You know what? Screw it, let's trade him. He'll never accomplish much."


Ron Karkovice, 1988 Score

Name: Ron Karkovice
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two socks, mismatched
Key 1987 stat: One nearly invisible blond mustache
Ron Karkovice, By the Numbers:

10: stripes
8: pounds of cup
7: snapped waistbands
6: sizes too small
5: inches of wristbands
4: stars on the shoes
3: times "SOX" is repeated
2: loose-fitting stirrups
1: hideous uniform


Jim Beattie, 1982 Topps (Part 2)

Name: Jim Beattie
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One attitude adjustment
Key 1981 stat: Like a boss
Jim Beattie to his biggest heckler (from Part 1), May 1, 1981: "Now what, smart guy?"


Jim Beattie, 1981 Topps (Part 1)

Name: Jim Beattie
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's missing something
Key 1980 stat: Lots of face
Heckler's rant to an attentive Jim Beattie, Sept. 12, 1980: "Hey Beattie, nice face. I can't tell what's bigger, your nose, your chin or your Adam's apple! Yeah, that's right, Beattie, I'm talking to you. Did you shave five minutes ago, or are you 12 years old? I haven't seen skin that smooth since the last time I met up with your wife! And good lord, man, are you even wearing a shirt under that jacket? Or are you just showing off the one place you can grow hair? You're a bum, Chin Beattie!"

(To be continued.)


John Urrea, 1982 Topps

Name: John Urrea
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Money pissed away
Key 1981 stat: One gold chain
That name sounds familiar: John Urrea made a splash his first year in the bigs. For the most part, the only hits he allowed were dribblers and a few balls that leaked into the outfield. He started off strong, producing a solid stream of wins. But by 1981, the last year of his career, the Padres looked to him for relief. And relieve he did. At first, he could do no wrong, leaving the team flush with saves. But the first time he got into trouble, he showed a yellow streak a mile wide. The Padres were forced to wipe their, um, hands of him.


George Bell, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 41)

Name: George Bell
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Barbershop floor sweepings
Key 1991 stat: Uncomfortable all year
One size does not fit all: George "Jorge" Bell became a free agent after the 1990 season. The slugger had spent his entire career in Toronto, smashing home runs and selling Soul Glo out of the trunk of his car, but he felt the time was right to play in the U.S., and in the National League. The Chicago Cubs offered him an impressive deal, and Bell was on board. Unfortunately for him, he did not read the fine print of his contract, which stated that he must wear a size 5 1/2 hat all season. Bell's Jheri curl fro spent the first half of the year bursting forth from the tiny cap, and the hat itself fell off whenever he made any sudden movements. Bell eventually gave up and just painted a large, red "C" on the front of his hairdo; the small hat was eaten by a goat.


Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dirty feather
Key 1994 stat: More interceptions than touchdowns
Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Heath Shuler, circa 1994: "He bears a resemblance to John Elway, so that's gotta be worth at least a couple wins a year right there. ... As part of his contract, he wants a new bowl to use during his haircuts. ... He's really into Ace of Base. No, seriously, he carries around a sign that says "I saw the sign." It's just weird. ... At the very least, he'll lead the league in arm hair. ... This kid's got an arm like a cannon: old, rusted and obsolete. ... For his next football card, we should make him dress up in an offensive outfit."


Lee Lacy, 1982 Topps

Name: Lee Lacy. Yes, really
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Positions: Outfield, second base
Value of card: An acre of yellow
Key 1981 stat: Two names of differing gender
Top 10 things Lee Lacy was sad about in 1981:

10) The mid-season strike
9) The mid-season end to free meals
8) Playing 10 years without ever appearing in more than 109 games
7) Teammates always calling him by his last name first
6) Teammates always calling him by obscenities second
5) Wearing a tarp for an undershirt
4) Those yellow batting helmets
3) Nobody liking his poems
2) Knowing that MTV was going to sell out at some point
1) People knowing his full first name was Leondaus


Fred Russel, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Fred Russell
Team: Baseball City Royals, supposedly
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One ticket to Baseball City
Key 1990 stat: Zero full batting gloves owned
Kansas City Royals' scouting report on  minor leaguer Fred Russell: "Hold on, is this right? We have a minor league team in 'Baseball City'? Who are we kidding? ... All right, let's see. He wears a batting helmet three sizes too large for his head, so concussions won't be a problem. ... Might be a five-tool player if all five tools were speed. ... Once hung out with the drummer from Winger. ... Fills up the stat sheet. Especially errors, strikeouts and GIDPs. ... We might want to pay him a little more. He only seems to be able to afford two-fingered batting gloves. ... He takes his kneeling seriously. Going to suggest he switch to football, for his sake and ours."


Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: The element of surprise
Key 1991 stat: Eye black reapplied every inning
Choose your own adventure: You are Matt Williams, third baseman for the San Francisco Giants. You've just drilled a ball deep to the gap and are rounding second, headed for a triple. As you slide in, you see something that startles the absolute cheese out of you. What is it?



Chris Hoiles, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Chris Hoiles
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Not enough for a load of laundry
Key 1991 stat: Rocked out to Journey 701 times
Just out of curiosity: What exactly is going on here?

A) Kevin Maas and Chris Hoiles are just knocking that pesky chalk off the right-handed batter's box.
B) Just a catcher coppin' a feel.
C) The Orioles losing to the Yankees. Again.
D) Looks like Pig-Pen made the bigs.
E) Some of the above.


Mike Griffin, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Griffin
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 45 gallons of sunscreen
Key 1987 stat: Head zero inches wider than neck
Fun facts about Mike Griffin and his glove, The A200:
  • The A200 is an orangish-brown. Mike Griffin's mat of chest hair is, too.
  • The A200 has curly laces sticking out of it. Mike Griffin's head has curly red hair sticking out of it.
  • The fingers of the A200 blend together almost seamlessly. Mike Griffin's neck blends together almost seamlessly with his head.
  • The A200 conceals which pitch is going to be thrown. Mike Griffin's mustache conceals Griffin's pet hummingbird, Larry.
  • The A200 is not a very good name for a glove. Mike Griffin was not a very good pitcher.



Dan Gladden, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 40)

Name: Dan Gladden
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Left field
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1990 stat: 45 barroom brawls
Conversation between Studio photographer and Dan Gladden, March 14, 1991:
Studio photographer: Mr. Gladden, how are you? Just have a seat and we'll get this over with.
Dan Gladden: Don't tell me what to do.
SP: No problem. Get comfortable, I'll snap a few photos, and we'll get this done.
DG: Don't tell me what to do, crap breath.
SP: Well, this is going well. So, here's my camera, I'm just going to ...
DG: No pictures!
SP: Um, no pictures? This is a photo shoot. You showed up to a photo shoot.
DG: Don't care. No pictures!
SP: Listen, Danny: We need to get this done. My boss is breathing down my neck. Your owner is ...
DG: No one owns Dan Gladden, liver lips.
SP: Did you just call me "liver lips"?
DG: I did, liver lips, and I suggest you put away the camera.
SP: OK, let me just get one or two quick shots ...
DG: That's it! No pictures!
SP: Danny, what are you doing? (snaps photo) Put down the bat! (snaps photo) Ahhh!


Steve Young, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 107)

Name: Steve Young
Team: Buccaneers NOW WITH 49ERS
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 buccs
Key 1986 stat: 688 holes in jersey
Man, Steve Young looks young in this photo. Just how young was he?
  • He's still sporting the Garbage Pail Kids haircut his mom let him choose.
  • He's playing for the Salt Lake City High School Buccaneers, a team that won 186 more games than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the 1980s.
  • He's still learning how to control the mutant fingers on his right hand.
  • He gets to wear his age for every game. Next season, he's big No. 9. Hooray, Stevie.
  • That's not a towel hanging from his waist; it's his blankie.



Dale Sveum, 1989 Topps

Name: Dale Sveum
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: Six 1-ounce cups of "sveum"
Key 1988 stat: At least three layers worn at all times
So, what does Dale Sveum stand for?

Dashing looks (for a paper towel company logo).
Alcoholism is a prerequisite when playing for the Brew Crew.
Layer after layer is OK for a bench player.
Eyebrows that match the 'stache.

Sveum? It nearly killed him.
Vacant look in his eye; vacant at-bat at the plate.
Eagerly awaiting a much-needed haircut.
Underwear? Commando, son.
Mustache was the focus of the card and the man.


Gene Richards, 1982 Donruss

Name: Gene Richards
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: "Whatever you want, Mr. Richards, just don't hurt me."
Key 1981 stat: 46 people beat down
Gene Richards' stream of consciousness from 2:22 to 2:23 p.m. July 14, 1981: "What is that guy doing over there? Why's he wearing the same puke-and-crap-colored jersey as me? Is he flashing gang signs at me? Hey, mother(expletive), I don't know who you think you are, but I'll come over there and beat you down with this here bat and these here granite-infused forearms. Hey, punk, you see me over here, looking at you like a raging bull? You see these handlebars? You see these lambchops? I'm-a, I'm-a, I'm-a 'bout ready to break out this beating stick on your old (expletive). Oh, wait. That's my third-base coach. Better get back in the box and hit."


Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Howard "HoJo" Johnson
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Six rotting apple cores (big ones)
Key 1991 stats: 15 hoes, 1 HoJo
10 "Mets Magic" tricks performed by The Amazing HoJo:
10) He pulled a dead Mr. Met out of a hat.
9) He turned string into an obnoxious gold chain.
8) He sawed Dwight Gooden's cocaine line in half.
7) He made incredible puns out of New York City and a large piece of fruit.
6) He levitated. Well, only in the eyes of Darryl Strawberry, who was really, really high.
5) He vanished down the stretch.
4) He bent a spoon with his mind (and a pair of pliers).
3) He changed himself into comical illustration and started growing bulges out of his neck.
2) He grew a beard. (C'mon, it's a pretty good-looking beard.)
1) He made Mets wins disappear.


Ray Knight, 1983 Donruss

Name: Ray Knight
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Third base
Value of card: A penny that's passed through a dog
Key 1982 stat: Zero haircuts
Hey Ray Ray, we were wondering:

What's going on with Ray Knight's face?

A) Miles and miles of cheekbone
B) He's squinting harder than anyone has squinted before
C) He's constipated
D) He's slowly turning into one of the Easter Island statues
E) All of the above


Dave Stewart and Mike Moore, 1990 Score

Names: Dave Stewart, Mike Moore
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Knowing that the A's were once good
Key 1989 stat: One shaky World Series
Key 2012 stat: Happy New Year to all six of our loyal readers
It's a World Series Matchup:

Round 1: Meanest look on face (Winner: Stewart)
Round 2: Goofiest look on face (Winner: Moore)
Round 3: Winning two games in a World Series sweep (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Liked peanut butter more (Winner: Moore)
Round 5: Drafted as a catcher (Winner: Stewart)
Round 6: Could pull a wagon with his teeth (Winner: Moore)
Round 7: Two first names (Winner: Stewart)

Final score: Stewart 3, Moore 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Not only did these guys refuse to lose to the Giants, they couldn't even lose to each other. But while a tie may be unsatisfying, the important thing about his card is the Actual World Series action photography. Thanks for pointing that out, Score.