Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Name: Pete Gogolak
Team: New York Giants
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 9 ounces of pond scum
Key 1970 stat: 17 field goals by that little dude in the corner
It's time for a pop quiz that's a kick:

Just what in the hell is a "Gogolak"?

(A) A lack of go-go.
(B) A caucasian kicker with a Hollywood smile.
(C) A hairdo you might not want to show off in public.
(D) A tiny, illustrated football player with no face mask and a bad attitude.
(E) None of the above.

Pete Gogolak, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 218)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Name: Myron Guyton
Team: New York Giants
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: 6 shreds of Zubaz
Key 1990 stat: 71 straight hours cradling a football
Conversation between Myron Guyton and a Pro Line photographer, circa 1990:
Pro Line photographer: "Howdy, Myron. I'm here to take your photo."
Myron Guyton: "No ball."
PLP: "Ha. That's fine, Myron. All I need to do is snap a picture."
MG: "I said, 'No ball.'"
PLP: "OK, OK. You just hold onto that ball, buddy. Let me get set up here."
MG: "No. No. No. No ball."
PLP: "You keep the ball, Myron. Maybe just hold it more naturally."
MG: "No. My football."
PLP: "Don't you maybe want to hold it tucked between your arm and your side, like you're running with it?"
MG: "My ball. No ball for you."
PLP: "Fine. Your ball. Any chance you can shake out your Zubaz pants so we don't end up with a football card sporting a bulge?"
MG: "My bulge."
PLP: (sighs, shakes head, takes photo)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Names: Norm Snead, Earl Morrall
Teams: New York Giants, Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Zero rushing yards, combined
Key 1972 stat: Zero logos
It's time for a pass-happy edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Movie star bangs (Winner: Snead)
Round 2: Military flat top (Winner: Morrall)
Round 3: Dentist-friendly teeth (Winner: Snead)
Round 4: Johnny Unitas look-alike (Winner: Morrall)
Round 5: Desire to represent team (Winner: Tie, neither)
Round 6: Four-letter first name that could be the same as your grandfather's (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Crayola-drawn jersey (Winner: Morrall)

Score: Morrall 3, Snead 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: When two top passers get matched up, the contest is sure to be tight. Luckily for Morrall, a 4-year-old with a crayon helped push him over the edge to victory.

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Sean Landeta, 1991 Pro Line Portrait Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 30)

Name: Sean Landeta
Team: New York Giants
Position: Punter
Value of card: The opposite of "giant" value
Key 1990 stat: Zero everything but punts
Sean Landeta, By the Numbers:

4: Balls on the ground
2: Balls it took to wear that parka

2: Football helmets on the ground
1: Hair helmets on the head

3,981: New York kids who had this parka
18: New York Giants who had this parka
3,981: New York firefighters who had this mustache

18: Minutes spent in a photo session in the middle of the road
212: Photos that ended up on the cutting-room floor
18: Body parts that ended up cut up when a tractor-trailer came down the middle of the road

Sean Landeta, 1991 Pro Line Portrait Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 30)

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Name: Kanavis McGhee
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Another notch on that weightlifting belt
Key 1991 stat: Half a mustache grown
Forget the Sunday paper       it's time for a caption: "New York Giants linebacker Kanavis McGhee, wearing a weightlifting belt, some wrist tape and not much else, makes an unwanted sexual advance toward photographer David Timmons on Friday at the Meadowlands. Timmons said that McGhee, drenched in both perspiration and desperation, compared the way he was holding a barbell to the way he would grasp Timmons, all while hiking up his pant leg to his crotch. Timmons is on leave of absence from this newspaper and receiving counseling."

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Name: Phil Simms
Team: New York Giants
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One protein shake, spilled
Key 1980 stat: Weighed 135 pounds
Places you may have seen Phil Simms around the time the above photo was taken:

• In the middle school cafeteria, eating lunch
• Getting his booster shots at the pediatrician's office
• Trying to sneak into an R-rated movie with his buddies
• Sitting at the soda fountain, reading a comic book
• Waiting impatiently at the beach while his mother slathered sunscreen on him, and then getting sunburned anyway

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 17)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A rolled-up dollar bill stuck up someone's nose
Key 1991 stat: Looked scarier in the blue uniforms
Don't be mad, it's just a pop quiz: What has angered Lawrence Taylor so?

A) Nothing, he's just re-creating the play where he ended Joe Theismann's NFL career
B) Nothing, the photographer just asked him to pretend he was having an epileptic fit
C) Nothing, he's just caught wind of one of Bill Parcells' chili farts
D) Nothing, he's actually just frightened of that levitating face mask
E) Somebody stole his Coke

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 17)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 133)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six pieces of wall
Key 1990 stat: One deformed bulge illustration
It's time for sweet pop quiz:

Just who does Lawrence Taylor think he is?

(A) This guy.
(B) No, this guy.
(C) Or maybe this guy.
(D) No, definitely this guy.
(E) Apologies. This guy, for sure.
(F) All of the above.

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 133)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set Illustration (Football Friday No. 131)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Getting hit by Lawrence Taylor
Key 1991 stat: Made at least 16 quarterbacks cry
A literal translation of the artwork on this card: Lawrence Taylor, having been covered in flour by coach Bill Parcells who demanded Taylor bake him cookies, stands in front of a large concrete wall while fighting through a stomach cramp caused by eating a bad microwave burrito from the corner 7-Eleven. He must have left his helmet in his car, but he put enough gel in his hair this morning to keep it looking fresh even when he's not.

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set Illustration (Football Friday No. 131)

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Name: Ottis Anderson
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 ounces of Meadowlands sludge
Key 1990 stat: Two giant feet
Clearing up some rumors about Ottis Anderson:

• Ottis Anderson didn't wear a headband that said, "Giants." He wore a headband that said, "Giant Head Behind Here."
• Ottis Anderson doesn't sport a bald head. He grows out his flowing, stark-white cotton locks. 
• Ottis Anderson doesn't wear a lot of pads. He sometimes forgets to change after starring in Michelin television commercials.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't have two massive feet. They're so big, he calls them yards.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't go by the nickname "O.J." He gave it up as part of a killer deal.

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Larry Csonka, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 115)

Name: Larry Csonka
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: Two pounds of tough
Key 1977 stat: 8-ounce mustache
Look at this tough guy: How masculine was Larry Csonka?

• He didn't play with pads — he let his chest hair absorb the hits he took.
• He won the World Mustache Wrestling Championship four times.
• He bashed people's heads together to make them forget the WFL.
• His hair was helmet enough for him.
• He intimidated his own quarterback so badly that the QB was afraid to hand him the ball.
• Dude's name was Csonka.

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com

Larry Csonka, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 115)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Name: L.T.
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 56 cents, maybe
Key 1990 stat: Two letters — just two
Time for an initial pop quiz:

What does the huge "L.T." on this card stand for besides Lawrence Taylor?

(A) Lotsa Testosterone
(B) Likes to Tango (see illustration on left)
(C) Lost Temper
(D) Liquor Trouble
(E) Later, Theismann
(F) All of the above

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Name: Erik Howard

Team: New York Giants

Positions: Defensive tackle, bar owner

Value of card: Two songs on The Blue Oyster bar jukebox

Key 1990 stat: Two tangos with Capt. Harris

Leatherman and leatherhead: Erik Howard was a respected defensive tackle on two Super Bowl-winning Giants teams. He made big plays in the trenches, persevered through injuries and led his unit by example. But it wasn't his unit that most concerned him. Howard owned The Blue Oyster, a gay bar whose clientele included bikers, sailors, cowboys, leathermen, bears and the occasional police officer. In fact, it was these interactions with police that made The Blue Oyster famous. It was featured in movies, and tango competitions at the bar became the toast of the gay community. Despite the bar's success, Howard concentrated on football. But after football, he emerged from the shadows and publicly declared his love for Sweetchuck.

Erik Howard, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 68)

Thomas Lewis, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 36)

Name: Thomas Lewis

Team: New York Giants

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: 2 ounces of surfboard Sex Wax

Key 1993 stat: Eight-pack abs

Thomas Lewis' thoughts, 2:34 to 2:35 p.m. Aug. 14, 1993: "I see you staring. Yeah, that's right, I surf. I boogie down. I catch waves. I hang-ten. I wear short-shorts. I have sculpted abs and white-painted fingernails. Why? Because chicks dig me. Hey, baby. I see you in that bikini. You see me giving you my sex stare. That's right, I'm staring, like a jaguar. Don't look away. Don't pretend it's creepy. This is me, the jaguar. A jaguar who likes to boogie down on the waves and with the ladies. Grrrr."

Thomas Lewis, 1994 Upper Deck Heavyweights (Football Friday No. 36)

Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

Name: Lawrence Taylor

Team: New York Giants

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: Nothing. It's "whak"

Key Super Bowl stat: 16 whaks

L.T. doesn't stand for "little testosterone": Lawrence Taylor changed football more than any other defensive player in the history of the NFL. He crunched quarterbacks, scrunched offensive schemes and munched meatloaf sandwiches. He was a self-described adrenaline junkie who got as much pleasure from sacking a quarterback as jumping from an airplane or snorting a shoestring-size line of cocaine. He did so much cocaine, in fact, that it would emanate in vapor form from his head, hands, back, shoulders, thighs and feet, as can be seen in the above card. Fueled by charisma and cocaine, Taylor led the Giants to Super Bowl victories after the 1986 and 1990 seasons.

Fun fact: The background of the above card shows the reality Taylor experienced during early 1990s cocaine binges.

Lawrence Taylor, 1990 Score Crunch Crew (Super Bowl Week No. 4)

John Elliott, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 7)

Name: John "Jumbo" Elliott
Team: Boo York Giants
Position: Offensive tackle
Fright value of card: Two bare feet
Key 1994 splat: One tiny football crushed
Memorable moments in creativity: Another excellent job from the Coke costume designers in this remarkable set of cards. There's a lot to like here — the oversize square helmet with no facemask, the tiny, smashed football, the tattered overcoat with Jumbo Elliott's number on it. But you know what's not excellent? The effort from the writing staff. Jumbo? Really? No one knows who John Elliott is because, to football fans, he was known only as Jumbo Elliott. How is that a monster name? Why not just have Pat Swilling's monster name be Pat? I can see the writing crew sitting around a table at the end of a long night of looking at dozens of cards, shotgunning cans of Coke in an effort to avoid crashing from an hours-long sugar high, and deciding, "Screw it. We can't top 'Jumbo.' Let's go home."

John Elliott, 1994 Coke Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week No. 7)

Harry Carson, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 13)

Name: Harry Carson

Team: New York Giants

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: No idea. Too scared to ask Mr. Carson

Key 1985 stat: 14 pounds of chin

Time for another pop quiz:

Why is Harry Carson's chin so big?

(A) It has to be huge to hold up that handlebar mustache.

(B) Despite being named "Carson," he's a fan of Leno.

(C) Carson's nickname: The Black Spartacus.

(D) He wanted to tell teammates he had a bigger "Chin population" than China.

Harry Carson, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 13)

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 6)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One 10-foot wingspan
Key 1990 stat: Six team sacks
Group effort: Having terrorized the NFL for several years, sackmaster Lawrence Taylor was getting bored with his dominance. So, in 1990, he began keeping track of a new statistic: team sacks. To record a team sack, Taylor had to not only tackle the opposing quarterback behind the line of scrimmage, but also bring down another offensive player with him. In this photo, Taylor is about to pulverize Lions QB legend Bob Gagliano along with left guard Erik Andolsek. In an amazing Week 2 performance, he brought down five Dallas Cowboys with one tackle, including Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Mark Stepnoski, Tommie Agee and Mark Tuinei. The play caused a Cowboys cheerleader to faint, so Taylor counted her, as well. An irate Jimmy Johnson stormed the field, only to trip over the mass of humanity and bring the total count to seven people sacked on one play, an NFL record that still stands.

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 6)