Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs (remember that?)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A whole lot less than the NFL salary cap
Key 1993 stat: Still wore red
Wait a minute: Here we were, ready to do some lame jokes about superstars forgettably finishing their careers with some other team (we're looking at you Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice). Then we noticed the little guy in the shorts in the background. Whoa, dude, we know you're excited that Joe Montana's a Chief, but good lord! Don't you have a clipboard or something you can put over that thing?


Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Ed Olwine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scalps (mascot said so)
Key 1988 stat: One brave fashion statement
Ed Olwine, from A to Z:
A - Attention: Computer programmer snuck into dugout. Please get him. Thank you.
B - Brave? Nothing about him says that.
C - Contact lenses aren't made that thick.
D - Dork, dweeb, doofus.
E - Eyes closed to block out career.
F - Face windshields? Check.
G - "Gosh, lady. Ha-huh. I ain't never been with a woman before. Ha-huh."
H - How was this considered a professional athlete?
I - Incinerated bugs with sunlight through glasses.
J - Just met Bill Gates, needs new underwear.
K - Kids still bully him.
L - Looks like Tom Henke.
M - Might be connected to wires behind him.
N - Never met a video game console he didn't like.
O - Over-under on sexual partners in lifetime: one.
P - Pointy chin can cut glass.
Q - Quiet except when someone brings up "Battlestar Galactica."
R - "Revenge of the Nerds" extra.
S - Snaggletooth was one of his better features.
T - Tomahawk in his pants or happy to see her? Tomahawk in his pants.
U - Under that hat, more glasses.
V - VIP at "Dungeons and Dragons" tournament in Tommy Frederick's mom's basement.
W - "Wussy" defined his existence.
X - XIV-centimeter lenses, in Roman numerals.
Y - Youth spent getting hit by bullies' rocks.
Z - Zeal for astrophysics riddles about "D&D."



Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four used sock stirrups
Key 1991 stat: One needle-marked backside
Yuk, yuk, yuk: How many Jose Cansecos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to inject the bulb-changer with "supplements" and one to write a tell-all book about how he and every other bulb-changer were on said "supplements."


Bob Walk, 1988 Topps

Name: Bob Walk
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: That ketchup stain on the card
Key 1987 stat: One hazy winter
It's the return of The Caption: "Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Bob Walk arrives at spring training Monday looking rather disheveled. Walk spent the offseason touring with his band, Ball Five, which opened for The Rolling Stones, Lou Reed and Iggy Pop. When asked whether he had been tempted to try any narcotics while on tour with the rock legends, Walk turned his hollow gaze turned to the camera, grunted sleepily and drooled."


Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50 cents off three rolled tacos with cheese at Filiberto's
Key 1989 stat: 500 orders of Filiberto's three rolled tacos with cheese eaten
Clearing up some rumors about Fernando "El Toro" Valenzuela:
  • Valenzuela did not struggle with his weight. He purposefully put on pounds to look like his hero, Tommy Lasorda.
  • That is not Valenzuela's bulge your seeing there. It's just the rest of his tummy.
  • "Fernandomania" never stopped. It just signed with a Mexican league team.
  • "Los Tres Fernandos" is not a top-shelf tequila. It's a bottom-shelf baseball card.
  • Valenzuela did not eat his weight in Godfather's Pizza. The restaurant couldn't make that much pizza in one day.
  • "The Fernando Valenzuela Story" is not in production. But, yes, if it were, it would star "SNL" funnyman Horatio Sanz.



Don Aase, 1988 Topps

Name: Yes, it's the legendary Don Aase
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The back end of a dead mongoose
Key 1987 stat: 47,000 mispronunciations of name
What's in a name? OK, OK. So Don Aase's name isn't even that close to the slang spelling of the world's funniest body part, but, as kids, tens of thousands of red-blooded Americans sure thought it was. He was the Aase Man, the Dumb Aase, that Stinkin' Aase. To the kids, Aase had a hole in his delivery, he often needed a wipe and, sometimes, he asked for a good chewing out. Aase was known to have a wild hair stuck somewhere and was said to be proud of the middle name "Jack." And, of course, he sometimes couldn't tell himself from his elbow. Sure, it was easy for kids of the 1980s and early 1990s to make fun of Don Aase, but here at The Bust, we would never make this great athlete and honorable human being the butt of any jokes.



Bobby Witt, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 8)

Name: Bobby Witt
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1990 stat: 67 teeth
10 reasons Bobby Witt might be laughing:
10) He just looked at his career statistics.
9) He learned teammate Nolan Ryan's age.
8) Someone told him the T on his hat stands for "taint."
7) The tightness of his pants cut off circulation to his brain, thus causing hallucinations.
6) He was told, "A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop."
5) The Studio studio was known for its farting competitions.
4) "Taint." Ha!
3) The weight of his mullet is pulling on his cheek muscles, making him appear to laugh.
2) The photographer is tickling him.
1) An executive explained to him the theory behind the 1991 Studio set.



Ed Newman, 1984 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 75)

Name: Ed Newman
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Guard
Value of card: A series of rumbling stomach cramps
Key 1984 stat: 170 treatments for irritable bowel syndrome
It's a painful pop quiz:

What's got Ed Newman doubled over, grimacing in agony?

A) The $4.99 Seafood Special burrito he forgot in his car but didn't want to waste.
B) Listening to Don Shula gush over Dan Marino for the 400th straight day.
C) Getting kicked in the "red zone" by Reggie Roby as punishment for giving up a sack.
D) A kidney stone the size of Mark Clayton's sunglasses.
E) Not sure, but it looks like he's about to make a splash into the Bust Cup.


Luis Leal, Biran Milner and Ken Schrom, 1981 Topps Future Stars

Names: Luis Leal, Brian Milner and Ken Schrom
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, catcher and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: Three dead birds in a box
Key 1980 stats: Zero futures, zero stars
It's time for a north-of-the-border Matchup:

Round 1: That all-American-boy look (Winner: Milner)
Round 2: That all-American-pedophile look (Winner: Leal)
Round 3: Volume of mustache (Winner: Schrom)
Round 4: Creepiness of mustache (Winner: Leal)
Round 5: Air-brushed pearly whites (Winner: Milner)
Round 6: Hair resembling blue jay feathers (Winner: Schrom)
Round 7: Grotesque collar underneath uniform (Winner: Leal)

Score: Leal 3, Milner 2, Schrom 2

Synopsis: Despite Milner's model looks and Schrom's enviable 'stache, the shady-looking guy on the left pulls it off, which is better than him pulling it out.



Joe Oliver, 1990 Fleer

Name: Joe Oliver
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Red
Key 1989 stat: 700 lipstick stains
Ten things you never wanted to know about Joe Oliver's catcher's mitt:
10) Its nickname was Hot Lips.
9) It never put out on the first date. Usually.
8) It kept custody of the kids when it and Oliver divorced in '98.
7) It never really liked baseball, but faked interest to keep Joe happy.
6) Its sister was Janice from the "Muppet Show" band.
5) It used to cheat on Oliver with starting catcher Jeff Reed.
4) It only chewed Big Red.
3) Its favorite pitch to catch was the high hard one.
2) Leathery on the outside, sweaty on the inside.
1) It only wore such garish lipstick for photo day.


Mike Morgan, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Morgan
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Bulldog eye wrinkle goop
Key 1985 stat: 1,786 hours standing suggestively
So, just what does Mike Morgan stand for?

Manly figure, for a ballet dancer
Ice in his veins; tears in his heart
Kingdome was alive with show tunes when he was on the mound
Ever seen baseball pants so smooth?

Mesh hat for style's sake
Overly sexualized pitching windup
Rear always stuck out for the ladies
Gay men said he could throw them balls anytime
A(nother bad homoerotic joke goes here)
Never mind the backside; wait until you see the front



Kevin Romine, 1991 Fleer

Name: Kevin Romine
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Soap scum
Key 1990 stat: 761 hairs lost
Time for a — oh, god that yellow is blinding — pop quiz:

Why is Kevin Romine tipping his cap?

(A) He's being recognized for not only being the president, but also a client.
(B) His teammates honored him for longest, flattest bulge of the season.
(C) He's being awarded the prestigious Golden 'Stache award.
(D) He's not tipping his cap; he's blocking the reflection off his massive forehead.
(E) None of the above.



Stacey Augmon, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 7)

Name: Stacey "Plastic Man" Augmon
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Guard-forward
Value of card: $6 million (in Zimbabwean dollars)
Key 1991-92 stat: Not sure. If only we had a clue about what he did that made headlines.
10 other headlines Stacey Augmon made in 1992-93:
10) "6-point man in loss"
9) "Stacey Augmon, a male player despite his name, scores NBA's 6 millionth point"
8) "Plastic Man actually made of flesh and bone, records show"
7) "Mediocre player earns empty accolades for leaguewide record"
6) "Newspaper reprints player's jail mugshot on sports page"
5) "Want sharper facial hair? Get the razor Stacey Augmon uses. Only at Walgreens."
4) "NBA player single-handedly destroys denim industry"
3) "The Hawks' only highlight of the season"
2) "Newspaper forgets to include story under Augmon headline"
1) "Hawks lose!"



Chris Jackson, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 6)

Name: Chris "Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf" Jackson
Team: Denver Nuggets
Position: Guard
Value of card: "Ohhhhhhh!!!!"
Key 1992 stat: 1,621,097 vowels screamed
An artful pop quiz: Fill in the blank in this quote from renowned basketball art critic World B. Free:

"The most stupendical part of this illustramation is the ______ expressionism that's always on Mr. Jackson's face."

A) Exclamatoric
B) Intensful
C) Furiousant
D) Yelly
E) Ograsmalicious
F) All of the above


Magic Johnson, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 5)

Name: Magic Johnson
Team: Los Angeles Lakers
Position: Point guard
Value of card: In this case, time isn't money
Key 1991-92 stat: One magical STD
Defining moment: According to the artist, Magic's "moment" involved him taking a jump hook with a glitter-laden basketball, dribbling and dribbling with no legs. Here are some other moments that didn't make the cut:
  • Marrying a woman named Cookie
  • Wearing Kurt Rambis' glasses
  • Talking about some football player he saw on TV
  • Gettin' it on with an HIV-infected lady-friend
  • Explaining to Cookie that he got it on with an HIV-infected lady-friend
  • Changing the oil in Pat Riley's hair



Reggie Miller, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 4)

Name: Reggie Miller
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Eight points in 11 seconds
Key 1992 stat: Zero passes thrown, despite what's depicted here
The artwork within the artwork: It draws the eye, doesn't it? No, not Reggie Miller's blindingly white smile. The hair! The use of perspective on the 'do in the full-body image is spectacular. It seems to keep rising, arcing like one of the 17 3-pointers Miller shot each game. But it's the close-up that gives us a glimpse into Miller's mind — almost literally. The height of the fade represents Miller's ego, towering above all others. The shaved sides symbolize his ability to limit distractions, such as that "little person" Spike Lee. But the groove on the lower front ... what could that be? Something — or someone — that undercuts both of these traits? Perhaps a more talented, better-looking sister?


Shawn Kemp, 1991-92 Upper Deck (Basketball Art Week No. 3)

Name: Shawn Kemp
Team: Seattle SuperSonics
Position: Power forward
Value of card: 4 ounces of sweat squeezed from spandex shorts
Key 1990-91 stat: 47 children fathered
10 art critiques of the "Kemp, A Contradiction" piece:
10) "A bold work, full of bravado and mustache."
9) "It's as if the piece soaks the viewer in the sweat of Kemp."
8) "How can one man jump and stand at the same time? That is the power of this piece."
7) "His flat top is at once flat and pointed, as are the questions arisen by this piece."
6) "He, Kemp, is a man aching, both from the weight of fans' dreams and that of his gut."
5) "I'd say, the depth of this piece is felt by the stench one thinks he is smelling."
4) "His head is nearly within the net — a stunning metaphor, especially for the disabled."
3) "He is a man bathed in green and yellow, yet hasn't bathed in weeks."
2) "Will Giant Shawn Kemp eat Dunking Shawn Kemp? That is the mystery."
1) "Why'd this guy forget to draw Shawn Kemp's butt, yo?"



Micheal Williams, 1991-92 Skybox (Basketball Art Week No. 2)

(Misspelled) Name: Micheal Williams
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Point guard
Value of card: Two purple star stickers
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero stats that made him a star
Published art critique, from noted expert Enrico Pallazzo: "In the realm of beauty is art and in the realm of art is beauty. This combination of combinations can be subtle, or, as in the case of the mixed-media piece 'Starry Micheal of Indiana, No. 4' (above), it can slap your conception of explanation across the mouth, leaving you in awe and slack-jawed. Here, we see Micheal Williams, a basketball player so mediocre when compared with his surroundings that even his first name, misspelled, becomes a joke. This isn't the final insult to him and his chosen field of excellence, or, dear viewer, the lack thereof. Touche. Williams, unknown even to the most informed fanatic of the game, is no star. Yet, the crafty crafters behind the computers at Skybox made the choice to highlight his spindly knees and shaky spot in the spotlight by including a dozen or so stars behind him. Please, take a moment to digest such a decision. The risk taken; the result approved. As if that weren't enough to trip up esteemed critic after esteemed critic, let's take, in part, the inclusion of a back-lit basketball. Is it the sun? Is it Williams' sun? Is it Williams' son? Oh, dear viewer, you can't be sure, and, with that, you're hooked, left to always wonder why a man lost in a game would so choose to push, or, as the case here presents itself, pass away his child, his love, displayed with deft execution in the form of a ridged, autumn-hued sphere that defines his being. Rating: 2 of 10 stars. 'Stars,' oh, the unjustifiable irony, laments your grateful critic, Enrico."



Doug West, 1992-93 Upper Deck Team Checklist (Basketball Art Week No. 1)

Name: Doug West
Team: Minnesota Timberwolves
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Seven scraps of dried paint
Key 1991-92 stat: 14 neck wrinkles
Welcome to Basketball Art Week: As the NCAA swings into action this week, our attention turns back to atrocious basketball cards. Sure, action shots are nice and studio shots are even better, but here at The Bust, there's nothing we like more than a good illustration. In the absence of that, we will be bringing you a week's worth of laughable illustrations from the early 1990s. Try not to go blind the next seven days.
Behind the canvas: Art collectors of the world, you'll want to pay attention. Before you start the auction for this piece that could range up into the tens of cents, there are a few things you should know. Doug West was a fine basketball player, sure. But he was an exceptional architect. Behind him is the philosophy-bending, post-postmodern home he designed for himself. It features six bedrooms, five bathrooms, 12 barbershops and a spandex factory. Yes, West was a spandex fanatic. He created the world's first spandex neck warmer, which, as this fine piece shows, had to be quite long. Depicting West's neck in such a way was the brainchild of artist Alan Studt, a part-time roofer. Studt had trouble getting West to pose with any semblance of emotion for this piece. Then, an idea sprung forth. The artist held up a pastrami sandwich, which brought about the face you see above. Now, art collectors, let the bidding begin. Do I hear 1 cent? One cent? A half-cent? Lint? Do I hear "lint"?



Mike Decelle and Marcus McCain, 1996 Topps

Names: Mike Decelle, Marcus McCain
Team: The lowest level of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Who cares?
Value of card: 2 x nothing = poop
Key 1995 stat: Still looking; none found
It's two bums you never heard of in The Matchup:

Round 1: Big-league experience (Tie: N/A)
Round 2: Fans who remember them in 2011 (Tie: N/A)
Round 3: Rays who remember them (Tie: N/A)
Round 4: Friends who remember them (Tie: N/A)
Round 5: Siblings who remember them (Tie: N/A)
Round 6: Parents who remember them (Tie: N/A)
Round 7: Number of cheesy Devil Rays logos in background (Winner: McCain)

Score: McCain 1, whoever that other guy is 0

Synopsis: Just when it looked like neither one of these guys could win anything, McCain takes home the crown with a big assist from Topps.



Steve Lake, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 7)

Name: Steve "Bloody Mustache" Lake
Team: Not the Pirates, somehow
Positions: Catcher, sea captain
Value of card: Used bird-cage lining
Key 1990 stat: One wooden leg
Transcript from Steve Lake's client tape for Landlubbers 'n' Lasses niche dating service, Philadelphia chapter, circa 1990: "Ahoy, ye lasses, I be Steve Lake — or as me hearties call me, Bloody Mustache — and this be me matey, Scurvybeak. Yours truly has sailed the sea of life a solo captain lo these many years, but the time has come for this salty dog to find a first mate. When I'm not swashbucklin' on the briny deep, I play stickball for a bloodthirsty crew of landlubbers, yer Philadelphia Phillies. Yar! When it comes to wenches, I be a pretty easy cap'n to please. The only things I be seekin' in a lass are that she can handle her rum and that she ain't afeared to take the helm when we go below deck, if ye know what I mean! Yar, har, har, hee! Oh, an' a-course, that ye don't mind ol' Scurvybeak here watchin' us. He's a bit of a sneaky one, he is, but he means no harm. Avast, me time's up, so drop me a line. I look forward to hearin' from ye, whether ye be wantin' to sail a sea of love or just walk the plank for a night. Arrrrr!"


Brian Blades, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 74)

Name: Brian Blades
Team: Seattle SeahawksTM
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's worth its weight in garbage
Key 1989 stat: 272 nonsensical trademarks
It's time for a heavy pop quiz:

What's the best thing about the 1990 Action Packed series?

(A) Because the cards are three times as thick as typical cards, you can spend hours watching blind children try to pry them apart.
(B) The 1/16-inch raised player silhouette is so life-like, there's no reason to watch games on TV.
(C) Upon introduction of the set, the confusion over whether NFL team names were trademarked was cleared up.
(D) The faux-platinum border allows collectors to easily convert cards into cheap jewelry.
(E) None of the above.



Mike Bell, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Bell
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No talent
Key 1990 stat: A whole lot of time sitting on the bench
Actual conversation between Mike Bell and Upper Deck photographer, Sept. 7, 1990:
Photog: "OK, Mike, since we don't have any actual game shots of you, let's get a few quick shots of you holding a bat and looking intimidating."
Bell: "I've got a better idea! I'm going put on a bunch of shirts and do what I should be doing at this stadium."
Photog: "Sitting in the dugout and picking your nose?"
Bell: "No, silly, playing first base with a huge grin on my face! People will think you took it during an actual game."
Photog: "Um, Mike, there's nobody in the stands. It's 10 in the morning."
Bell: "Oh, come on! It'll be fun. We'll just pretend like Chipper Jones is throwing me the ball for the final out of the World Series. 'And the crowd goes wild!' (makes noise like crowd roaring)"
Photog: "Mike, I asked Chipper earlier if he knew where you were. I'm pretty sure he thought you were the ball boy."
Bell: "Oh, fine! I hate you! I can play baseball real good! (starts crying) You'll see. My mom told me so. (sobs uncontrollably)"
Photog: "Oh, jeez. OK, OK, let's do this if it'll get you to stop crying already. God, this is worse than the time Tim McIntosh puked on home plate."


Paul Mirabella, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Paul Mirabella
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A beer with a cigarette butt in it
Key 1988 stat: One shot of Old Grand-Dad for every strikeout — so, not too many shots
Paul Mirabella's train of thought from 11:21 to 11:23 a.m., Sept. 12, 1988: "Guh. Maybe those last six shots of warm gin weren't such a good idea last night. ... Skip better not ask me to pitch today — if I have to take off this jacket, everyone's gonna know I'm wearing the same jersey as yesterday. Of course, now there's a big puke stain on the front of it. And it's not even my own. ... God, I can smell the cherry-flavored vodka coming out of my pores. ... There's probably enough day-old Miller High Life left in my mustache to make it the Champagne of Facial Hair. ... All I want to do is go lay down in the locker room, but that stupid kid Sheffield's in there polishing his gold chains. ... Screw it, that's the last time I play 'I Never' with Yount."


Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards, 1990 Fleer

Names: Matt Kinzer, Wayne Edwards
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Poor prospects
Key career stat (Kinzer only): 13.20 ERA
Fun facts about Wayne Edwards and Matt Kinzer:
  • Wayne Edwards would like to know how your day was. Matt Kinzer doesn't give a good crap about your day. Now get him a beer.
  • Edwards wasn't afraid to throw inside if a hitter was crowding the plate. Kinzer wasn't afraid to bean a mascot for being too damn fuzzy.
  • Edwards worked hard on his mechanics. Kinzer is now working as a mechanic.
  • Edwards made appearances in the White Sox lineup in three different years. Kinzer has made appearances in police lineups and served three to five years.
  • Edwards kept a splitter up his sleeve as his strikeout pitch. Kinzer kept a fifth of cherry-flavored vodka in that plastic sleeve of his.
  • Edwards was always excited to take the mound. Kinzer once snorted a mound.
  • Edwards was about to record a punch-out in his photo above. Kinzer was about to punch out the photographer, who told him to say "cheese."



Frank DiPino, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Frank DiPino
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, hunched over
Value of card: Debilitating back pain
Key 1990 stat: Well, I mean, look at that thing!
Fun facts about Frank DiPino's bulge:
  • It caused DiPino to stand like this all the time.
  • Its name was Maurice DiPino.
  • It had its own mailing address and Social Security number.
  • It opened a coffee shop in St. Louis called Bulge's Beanery.
  • It also wore a cheesy gold chain just like Frank's.
  • It was taller than Ozzie Smith.
  • It was tossed out of three games in 1990.
  • Its favorite pitch? The high, hard one, of course.



Juan Berenguer, 1990 Bowman

Name: Juan Berenguer
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Priceless in Panama; jack squat in the U.S.
Key 1989 stat: 14,209 chimichangas eaten
What does Juan Berenguer stand for?

Jelly doughnuts, and lots of them.
Undying faith in Christ...
And chicken fried steak.
Never had much use for haircuts.

Ballcap sweat is immense — and this is just a photo shoot.
Eerie resemblance to Machete.
Round mound of not covering first base.
Eventually played for pretty much every team in the majors.
Nose hair: The only category in which he led the league.
Gazing off into distance gives him a look of wisdom ...
Until you realize he's just looking to see if the hot dog guy's working yet.
Earned the nickname "The Panamanian Paunch."
Retired in 1993, but his mustache kept playing till '99.


Jimmie Reese, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 6)

Name: Jimmie Reese
Team: California Angels
Position: We'll get to that in a minute
Value of card: One adult undergarment, used
Key 1990 stat: Two broken hips
We're stumped: CH? What, exactly, is this old-timer's position?

A) Cretaceous hitter
B) Cranky hombre
C) Comatose (in an) hour
D) Cremation happens
E) Certainly historic
F) Chronic hemorrhoids
G) All of the above, and so much more


Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Three used athletic supporters
Key 1990 stat: One flawless motion
Stop us if you've heard this one:
Q: How many Joe Montanas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows, because Montana always played lights-out.


Tito Landrum, Al Olmsted and Andy Rincon, 1981 Topps Future Stars

Names: Tito Landrum, Al Olmsted, Andy Rincon
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, pitcher, pitcher
Value of card: Cat piss in a year-old container of green salsa
Key 1980 stat: Three stooges, two mustaches
It's an early 1980s version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Funk-artist-enviable afro (Winner: Landrum)
Round 2: Merengue-artist-enviable first name (Winner: Landrum)
Round 3: Eye black addiction (Winner: Landrum)
Round 4: "Blue Lagoon"-inspired feathery locks (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)
Round 5: Woodworker lip blankets (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)
Round 6: Faces masked by shadows on a sunny summer day (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)
Round 7: Four neck creases from head tilt (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)
Round 8: Love-making eyes focused on camera (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)
Round 9: Resemblance to Bo and Luke Duke (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Score: Landrum 3, Olmsted zero, Rincon zero, Ties 6

Synopsis: El Tito jumped out to an early three-round lead, and that's all he would need because, unlike his competitors, he chose to be his own man.



Rick Sutcliffe, 1987 Topps

Name: Rick Sutcliffe
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Four ounces of beard trimmings
Key 1986 stat: No misplaced hairs
Transcript of a late-night TV ad, circa 1986: "Hey sports fans, Chicago Cubs ace Rick Sutcliffe here for the Hair Helmet®. Whether you're a little-leaguer, a softball beer-leaguer, or a proven big-leaguer like me, the Hair Helmet® is the perfect way to stay safe and stylish, all at the same time! (Cut to shot of Sutcliffe passing hand through hair while getting nailed in head with baseball.) That's right, the Hair Helmet® is a genuine, American-made batting helmet covered with three layers of authentic, human-like hair! It's sturdy enough to stop one of my heaters, but cool enough to grab the attention of the ladies in the crowd. (Cut to shot of mildly attractive woman winking at Sutcliffe.) Available in a variety of colors and styles, the Hair Helmet® is right for everyone! Order now, and we'll throw in the Hair Strap®, a chin strap made of the same hair-like substance as the Hair Helmet®, absolutely free! So take it from me, Rick Sutcliffe. I might handcuff a hitter or ten, but I'll never handcuff my hairdo with anything but the Hair Helmet®."