Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, pitchman
Value of card: First shipment is free; just enclose $14.95 for shipping and handling
Key 1993 stat: Two massive biceps, courtesy of "Care-oids"
Script from "Care-oids" television commercial, circa 1994: "Howdy, fellas. I'm Jose Canseco. You probably know me from my exploits on the diamond. (Cut to clip of Canseco hitting ball, lifting hand above eyes to shield sun, and watching ball fly out of stadium.) But nothing I do on the field would be possible without what I do in the weight room. (Cut to clip of Canseco bench-pressing an attractive woman.) I may be the strongest player in the majors, but it's not all god-given talent. (Canseco struts through weight room, shirtless.) You see, I have my own kind of spotter when I'm pumping iron. (Rapid zoom to close-up of product.) It's called 'Care-oids,' and I wouldn't trust my muscles to anything else. You see, 'Care-oids' is a scientific breakthrough meant to help athletes reach their top level of performance without all the hassle of working out more than a few minutes a day. Here's how it works. (Cut to Canseco bending over a weight bench, slightly pulling down his spandex gym shorts.) Just take one of our patented 'Care-oids Super Syringes,' and fill it up with a healthy dose of 'Care-oids.' Flick the needle once or twice, stick it in your rear end, and, voila, you're on your way to becoming twice the man, and twice the athlete. (Cut to Canseco doing curls.) Take it from me, I wouldn't be curling these nearly 8-pound dumbbells if it weren't for 'Care-oids.' And get this: We'll send your first shipment free. That's right. After that, just head down to 64th Street and Jefferson, stand next to the Dumpster for a while, and wait for Reggie to show up with your next shipment in a brown paper bag. It's that easy. (Cut to close-up of Canseco flashing a big smile.) Remember, if you care about sports, and you care about your body, you'll get a lot of stares with 'Care-oids.'"


1 comment:

  1. So is that dumbbell 7.5 pounds? Kilograms? Either way, that's some weak shit.