Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Name: Barry Bonds (feat. Ken Griffey Jr.)
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Overbidding in the Showcase Showdown on "The Price is Right"
Key 1995 stat: Five fingers (that's four more than he usually gave photographers)
Just in time for the MLB playoffs, it's V.J. Lovero Showcase Week: When talented Sports Illustrated photographer V.J. Lovero died in 2004, he left behind many great baseball images, as well as one of the most ridiculous baseball card subsets of all time, the 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase. This week, we're highlighting seven of the most absurd shots from that collection, all intended to show MLB stars at their most colorful (and we all know how well that's turned out before).
Something's amiss: There's something unusual about this card, but we just can't put our finger on it. It's not Griffey, with his hat turned backward, smile on his face       the Kid always seemed to be smiling in the mid-'90s. It's definitely not Barry, waving away a member of the media with a look of displeasure. That's par for the course. It's not even that ad on the fence for Arrowhead Water, so cool and refreshing after a day (OK, three innings) of patrolling the outfield during a spring training game. Wait a sec ... spring training ... that's it! A cloudy day in Phoenix? Unheard of. What, did it start raining toads next?


Reggie Roby 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 26)

Name: Reggie Roby
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Punter
Value of card: 3 pounds of guts from inside a dead dolphin
Key 1991 stat: 62 times kicking a football in the air, and nothing else all season
10 other professions that would have made leg specialist and punter Reggie Roby a success:
10) Kickball superstar
9) Freakshow contortionist
8) Stand-in for Ralph Macchio in "The Karate Kid, Part II"
7) Weather vane
6) This Bangkok savage
5) Creepy yoga instructor (who wears the outfit above)
4) A medical specimen for muscle specialists enthralled by the protruding mid-under-thigh muscle ball on Roby's punting leg
3) Rockette
2) L'eggs model
1) A lamp with "Fragile" marked on the box, which must be Italian


Roy Lee Jackson, 1984 Fleer

Name: Roy Lee Jackson
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A few (out-of-tune) notes
Key 193 stat: One national anthem sung, with no more invitations to do so again — ever
Roy Lee Jackson's "Star-Spangled Banner" lyrics, circa 1983:
Jose can you see by Juan's early light,
What so proudly we wailed at "Highlights'" last reading,
Whose broad gripes with spite hard through a perilous fight,
O'er the ram's parts we watched, were so gallantly creaming?
And the rocks and red air, the bombs bursting in glare,
Gave proof to the knight that the hag was still there;
O say how much does that star banner thing weigh,
Over the land of the trees and the home of the Jays.


Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Name: Ricky Watters
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Running back
Value of card: Two drops of irrigation water
Key 1994 stat: Hated getting his socks wet
A matter of faith: Yep, that's Ricky Watters walking, er, make that running on water in the above illustration. Here are some other miracles the halfback performed.
  • Turned orange Gatorade into wine-flavored Gatorade
  • Turned a dead ball into a live ball
  • Made the scales fall from a referee's eyes
  • Drank all the wine-flavored Gatorade and arose three days later, albeit with cottonmouth and a headache



Paul Reuschel and Rick Reuschel, 1977 Topps Big League Brothers

Names: Rick Reuschel, Paul Reuschel
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Pitchers, swapped on card (Rick is on the left)
Value of card: 10 ounces of bear cub dung
Key 1976 stat: 24 girly slap fights with each other in the locker room
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Height (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Weight (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Four-letter first name (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Standard 1970s and 1980s mustache (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitcher as position (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Skin's pinkish hue (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Cummerbund as part of uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Awkward stare (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Sweet batting helmet with no ear flaps (Winner: Rick Reuschel)
Round 10: 1960s math teacher glasses (Winner: Paul Reuschel)
Round 11: Nickname (Winner: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel)

Score: Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel 2, Paul Reuschel 1, Ties 8

Synopsis: These brothers had a lot in common, but after ridiculous headgear was canceled out by ridiculous eyewear, it took a "Big Daddy" to win the day.


Johnny Bench, 2001 Upper Deck Decades

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of cards: Two tabs, bro
Key 2000 stat: Wait, wait, wait, bro; you mean we're in the year 2000? Whoa.
Duuuuuuuude: "Whoa, man. What are you doing over there, man? You're like glowing and stuff, man. Oh ... my ... gosh, dude. You're, like, covered in colors. Dude, this is so trippy. And what are you wearing, man? Is this some kind of a renaissance fair or something? You look like a knight. What do you call a knight at night? I don't even know, dude. Huh-huh. That's hilarious. You have a mask on from that one movie, what's it called? 'Hannibal Lecture'? Yeah, man. You look crazy, man. Why are you so, like, squatty? Huh-huh. Squatty. What does that even mean? I don't know what I'm saying. ... My skin is melting. ... I need to find a bench, man."


Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Name: Dan Coombs
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 yards of the material lining the outside of this card
Key 1967 stat: 14 "coombs" to run through your hair
Here's what Dan Coombs stood for:

Doorknob-thick glasses allowed him to peer into batters' minds
Acid, man — acid
Never let anyone besides himself cut his hair

Chin made of solid granite
Obscure 1960s pitcher with Hollywood glamour
Object of affection for female shop teachers everywhere
Machine-gun collection forcing us to rethink the direction of this blog post
Bit through tuna cans on teammates' dares
Squinted so hard he pushed his eyes into his sinuses


Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Greg Harris
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right-handed pitcher
Value of card: Two sweat-filled Sox
Key 1991 stat: 238 times calling out teammates by pointing
Time for an accusatory pop quiz:

What is Greg Harris saying at this moment?

(A) "No, no, no. You look like an idiot."
(B) "What could you possibly be staring at?"
(C) "Anyone seen my glove?"
(D) "Like my Unabomber impression?"
(E) "Point you, pal. Point you."
(F) "These glasses are so dark I can't see myself in the mirror."
(G) "You making fun of my mustache? No, well all right then."
(H) "You'd take that back if you saw me catch a hard line drive like this."
(I) None of the above.


Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Name: Kanavis McGhee
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Another notch on that weightlifting belt
Key 1991 stat: Half a mustache grown
Forget the Sunday paper       it's time for a caption: "New York Giants linebacker Kanavis McGhee, wearing a weightlifting belt, some wrist tape and not much else, makes an unwanted sexual advance toward photographer David Timmons on Friday at the Meadowlands. Timmons said that McGhee, drenched in both perspiration and desperation, compared the way he was holding a barbell to the way he would grasp Timmons, all while hiking up his pant leg to his crotch. Timmons is on leave of absence from this newspaper and receiving counseling."


Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Willie Blair
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One framed photo of Blair from "The Facts of Life"
Key career stat: Never had an ERA under 4
Rocky Mountain pop quiz time: What's Willie Blair doing in the above photo?

A) His new dance move, "The Blair Derriere Dare"
B) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for covering first base
C) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for other reasons
D) Trying to entice Andres Galarraga to slap his butt for other reasons
E) Trying to hide from manager Don Baylor after giving up yet another home run


Joe Namath, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 173)

Name: Joe Namath
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: "Ask your sister," Namath says
Key 1972 stat: "Ask your mother," Namath says
Joe Namath's nickname was "Broadway"; here are some plays he starred in:
  • "Miss Saigon (Did Her)"
  • "A Chorus Line (Nailed Them All)"
  • "Beauty and the Beast (Hey, It was a Long Night)"
  • "Hello, Dolly! (Well Hello)"
  • "My Fair Lady (Cough, Cough, Not So Fair)"
  • "Mary Poppins (Hey-o!)"
  • "Mamma Mia! (Nothin' Wrong with a Little Age, Ya Know?)"
  • "Jersey Boys (Sorry, Fellas, No Chance)"
  • "Annie (Check)"
  • "Aida (Check)"
  • "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (Ahem)"
  • "Evita (Who Doesn't Like a Little Latina Flava?)"
  • "Dreamgirls (Story of My Life)"
  • "Cats (Hey, I was in Thailand)"



Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Names: Brian Asselstine, Wayne Gross, Sam Mejias, Alvis Woods
Teams: Braves, A's, Expos, Blue Jays, respectively
Positions: Outfield, all of 'em
Value of card: 1 cent for each player
Key 1976 stat: Hold on. We're still looking. OK, let's just go with "four"
It's time for a four-way edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Last name with an expletive in it (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 2: Last name that's grosser than that expletive (Winner: Gross)
Round 3: Subject of most blown-out and unprofessional photo (Winner: Woods)
Round 4: Most lopsided afro (Winner: Mejias)
Round 5: Angriest black man (Winner: Woods)
Round 6: Angriest Latino (Winner: Mejias)
Round 7: Angriest white dude (Winner: Woods)
Round 8: Most jagged, twisting mullet (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 9: Inclusion on a terrible 1970s baseball card (Winner: All)

Score: Asselstine 2, Gross 2, Mejias 2, Woods 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: After eight equally matched rounds and four equally unremarkable careers, these four fine athletes ended up tied for first and tied together forever on this poor excuse for a bingo card.


Pete Falcone, 1982 Fleer

Name: Pete Falcone
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of wax from a 1982 wax pack
Key 1981 stat: 4,397 baseball cards collected (all commons)
10 things you might not have known about this card:
10) Shortly after this photo was taken, two swamp rats jumped from Falcone's beard.
9) That's a Cub Scout staring at the nearly naked guy in the back.
8) Falcone's teammates forced him to wear jerseys with the word "FEET" on the back — as evidenced by the jerseys draped across that stool — to draw attention to his noxious loafers.
7) The look inside the locker exposes Falcone as a poncho enthusiast.
6) At the time of this photo, Falcone was chewing the wax from the wax pack, not the gum.
5) This was a shot of Mr. Met's Irish Bar, housed in the Mets' locker room from 1977 to 1983.
4) Falcone fought Fleer to have his name appear as "Pete Falcon."
3) It's the only card ever to feature the horrifying, bony back of Zelda from "Pet Sematary."
2) Truman Capote wrote a chapter of "In Cold Blood" while hiding out in the back of this card.
1) Falcone is actually holding a Pete Falcone card that's more worthless than this one.


Deion Sanders, 1992 Classic

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's still dropping
Key 1991 stat: Still not good at baseball
Get to the choppa: What's our buddy Deion Sanders dropping in on?

A) The 1992 Hideous Tracksuit Convention
B) The 1992 Atlanta Thumps-Up Championship
C) The jewelry store      he clearly needs another gold anklet
D) A rally of Braves fans who want him to just play football
E) The taping of a news story about people who wear stupid hats


Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Craig Biggio, Shelbee the dog
Team: Houston Astros, Houston Fleabags
Positions: Second base, family pet
Value of card: One lick from either of the above
Key 1992 stat: For Biggio, less fashion sense than his dog
Shelbee the dog's train of thought from 11:29 to 11:31 a.m., Feb. 2, 1993: "Dad, why are you spelling my name out for that stranger? And how many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Shelby,' with a Y. Only an idiot would use two E's. ... Oh, it's picture time? Great! You're going to change your clothes, right? Um, dad? You're not going to wear a tucked-in T-shirt and a brand-new white ball cap, right? ... No, let go of me! I can't be seen with you like this! Oh doggone-it, why are you sitting down? No, don't      no, don't spread your legs like that! Those jeans are tighter than my collar! Everyone will be able to see the Killer B's! ... Jeez, this is embarrassing. That's it, I'm pooping in your cleats."


Webster Slaughter, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 24)

Name: Webster Slaughter
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 14 zombie warts
Key 1991 stat: $250 earned as backup dancer in Michael Jackson's "Thriller"
Can you hear that?

It's close to midgame, and something evil's lurking on the field
Under the game lights, you see a receiver who almost stops your heart
You try to scream, but Kosar throws the pass before you make it
You start to freeze as Slaughter looks you right between the eyes
You're paralyzed

'Cause this is Slaughter, thriller night
And he ain't gonna save you from the linebacker about to strike
You know it's Slaughter, thriller night
You're fighting for the ball inside a killer, thriller, Slaughter night

You hear the play call and realize there's nowhere left to run
You have the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the ball
You close your eyes and hope this is only imagination
But all the while you hear the Kosar throwing from behind
You're out of time

'Cause this is Slaughter, thriller night
And he ain't gonna save you from the linebacker about to strike
You know it's Slaughter, thriller night
You're fighting for the ball inside a killer, thriller, Slaughter night


Tony Saunders, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Tony Saunders
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Old fishing bait
Key 1996 stat: 137 cheeseburgers eaten
Upper Deck photographer's directions to Tony Saunders from 11:23 to 11:25 a.m., March 17, 1997: "OK, Tony, let's start by having you hold the ball in front of you, like you're showing it to me. Could you bring it up a little higher? Higher, please. Just, not so close to your crotch. No, farther from your crotch, please. Tony, please stop making that gesture with the ball. It's not funny. No, I'm not impressed by your 'slide piece.' Hold the ball higher, away from your crotch, please. Please. No, the count is not two balls and no strikes. Lots of people are going to see this card, you know. OK, a handful of people, but still, is this how you want them to know you? All right, fine. I hope Sheffield makes you eat that ball later."


Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Name: Larry Csonka
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Running back
Value of card: A case of malaria
Key 1972 stat: Apparently got very little blocking
Ten surprising facts about this turd of a collectible:
10) Not everyone who looked at this card was instantly blinded. It took months, even years, for some people to lose their vision because of it.
9) Larry Csonka's name is actually on the card      it's just hard to read because it's in yellow type on a light background, a hallmark of quality design.
8) The Steelers were just as surprised as you are that this game was played in a Miami city park just yards from a beach.
7) Despite all the reasons not to, Topps went ahead and used that four-line font on this cardboard gem.
6) It says "Pro Action," but it's really just a full-contact 2-on-2 pickup game with Csonka and Marv Fleming against Pittsburgh's Andy Russell and Mike Wagner.
5) Nonetheless, Csonka trucked in bleachers that went two rows deep. That's his wife in the back.
4) After this exhibition game ended, the crowd was treated to three rounds of bare-chested, bareknuckle boxing between Don Shula and Chuck Noll.
3) 11-year-old Danny Marino took the stunning photo on this keepsake.
2) The game was interrupted when Csonka started chasing after a passing ice cream truck, demanding a Drumstick.
1) Nobody won this game. But anyone who paid for this card definitely lost.


Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles (about a decade after this photo was taken)
Positions: Shortstop; li'l stinker
Value of card: Two sticks of gum in a pack of baseball cards when Ripken was 11
Key fourth-grade stat: 22 hours in detention
Time for an elementary school pop quiz:

Why was young Cal Ripken Jr. in detention?

(A) He had a terrible attendance record.
(B) He got caught writing the F-word on his brother's bat.
(C) That sweater vest.
(D) He was reading "Iron Man" comic books in class.
(E) All of the above.


Claude Raymond, 1966 Topps

Name: Claude Raymond
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Pitcher, scientist
Value of card: "Value"? Houston, we have a problem.
Key 1965 stat: 48 minutes posing like this for Topps
The Legend of Claude Raymond: The year was 1966. The Houston Colt .45s had been renamed the Astros the previous year after the team moved into the Astrodome (not pictured; great work, Topps). Surprisingly, lush grass wouldn't grow inside a sunlight-depraved indoor stadium, so the Astros brought in German scientist Claude Raymond to create a space-age, synthetic turf for the dome, which had been pegged "the eighth wonder of the world." Raymond and his 12-pound glasses got to work on the project, and after months of toiling he showed the Astros' ownership his invention: AstroTurf, the sorriest excuse for grass the world had ever seen. But it was green, and it had "blades," so the owners loved it. As a reward, Raymond was allowed to try out for the Astros. The scientist's tryout didn't last long, however. Despite being the brains behind the turf on the ground, he always kept his eyes on the sky. Even then, he couldn't catch "popped flies," even the ones on his pants.


Doug Mientkiewicz, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Doug Mientkiewicz
Team: New York Mets Kansas City Royals
Position: First base
Value of card: "Dirt" stains on the seat of your pants
Key 2005 stat: Even he didn't know how to spell his surname
Things said by Mentki Mintka Doug to this anonymous catcher:
  • "No, I will not stand up. Not until you apologize for calling my jersey hideous."
  • "What do you mean this seashell necklace looked better on my wife?"
  • "Why yes, I am going to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I mean, coach just told me to do what I do best!"
  • "Have you seen my bat?"
  • "I got traded to Kansas City? Well, it could be worse. I could be on the Mets."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti



Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: Slammy21
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident

Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams

About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.


Willie Gault, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 23)

Name: Willie Gault
Team: Oakland Raiders
Positions: Wide receiver, nearly naked
Value of card: 181 pounds of awkward
Key 1992 stat: Didn't regret this photo one bit
Football's back, and so is the shame: The NFL season is officially here, which means every Sunday from today through Super Bowl XLVIII, we here at the Bust will be bringing you a reminder of how not to dress, pose, or groom yourself. We call them Shameful Sunday Portraits; you'll likely call them "more of those Zubaz cards."

Places you've seen this photo before (come on, admit it):
  • In your girlfriend's bedroom
  • In your sister's bedroom
  • In your bedroom
  • In Tile Monthly Magazine
  • In the Black Hole
  • Wait, wait. We meant the Blue Oyster.
  • In Al Davis' office
  • In Al Davis' bedroom


Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Tape two dimes to it, and it's worth 20 cents
Key 1993 stat: One mixed metaphor
We don't know, either: What do the Roaring '20s and adult male lions have in common, other than both being referenced on the above card?

A) Uhhhhh ...
B) Well, you know ...
C) Er ...
D) Roaring, I guess ...
E) Didn't Hemingway write a story about a lion or something?


Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Name: Barry Foster
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A steel penny
Key 1993 stat: Zero smelting performed
Man of steel and stuff: Apparently, Barry Foster's wheels are made of steel. Here's what other parts of him are made of:
  • Gut: Beer and whipped cream
  • Reebok Pumps: Rubber, air and fungus (mostly in the toe)
  • Goatee: Sharpie ink
  • Socks: Corduroy
  • Fingers: Sausages, from the looks of it
  • Talent: Mirages
  • Back: Something incredibly heat-resistant. That's just not safe, man!



Troy Aikman, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Whatever comes out of that horse in the background
Key 1992 stat: Not an actual sheriff
Top 10 current or former Dallas Cowboys that Troy Aikman would have had to arrest, were he actually a lawman:
10) Michael Irvin, for mistaking a chalk line for, well, you know
9) Nate Newton, for eating everyone's lunch while they were practicing
8) Ed "Too Tall" Jones, for being too tall
7) Emmitt Smith, for ending his career with the Cardinals
6) Tony Romo, for defrauding the team by saying he was a quarterback
5) Jimmy Johnson, for using performance-enhancing hair products
4) Leon Lett, for sheer stupidity
3) Deion Sanders, for pimping
2) Himself, for being so criminally good-looking
1) Jerry Jones, for impersonating a GM


Bernie Kosar, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 4)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One bootleg copy of "Hot Shots! Part Deux"
Key 1992 stat: 42 times using an airplane bathroom
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and the F-14 Tomcat fighter jet:
  • The F-14 for many years was the U.S. Navy's preferred fighter jet, capable of air superiority. Bernie Kosar for a few years was Cleveland's preferred quarterback, capable of air competency.
  • When not in action, the F-14 spends much of its time resting on the deck of an aircraft carrier. When not in action, Bernie Kosar spent much of his time resting his head on a bar, passed out.
  • The F-14 was capable of carrying up to six missiles to hit targets. Bernie Kosar usually needed more chances to hit a target.
  • The F-14 was the featured aircraft in the 1986 blockbuster "Top Gun," a movie that raked in millions. Bernie Kosar was featured in the 2012 sports documentary "Broke," about athletes who have spent or lost all their millions.
  • F-14 pilots wear flight suits that are designed to provide warmth, be fire-retardant and have lots of pockets. Bernie Kosar is wearing a prison jumpsuit with lots of patches glued to it and the collar popped.



Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 7 ounces of fool's gold
Key 1992 stat: 25 passing touchdowns (by three Steve Youngs; that's more than eight each)
No matter the situation, Steve Young only had two responses:

Run ...
When defenders are rushing you.
When someone challenges you to a race.
When the ice-cream truck is down the street.
When someone flashes a golden bulge at you.

Gun ...
When you're hunting deer.
When you're defending your family from masked robbers.
When you bump into Raiders fans in a dark alley.
When someone puts an ampersand hat on your head.


Warren Moon, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 2)

Name: Warren — wait for it — Moon
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of green cheese
Key 1991 stat: Six straight years voted "best quarterback name" in NFL
Look up, the pun is shining: Warren Moon was an all-world quarterback. He never cratered under pressure and always made plays when he found himself in space. His stats often eclipsed all other players at his position and his leadership was never waning. Waxing poetic, Moon was a shining star, so to speak, whose exploits would make fans beam with pride. Moon's presence alone added gravity to games. Don't agree? Moon, till this day, will turn around, bend over, pull down his pants and express his disagreement.


Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A DVD copy of Season 5 of "Miami Vice" (two discs missing)
Key 1992 stat: One loitering ticket
Welcome to Preposterous Poster Week: With the NFL season just days away, we've decided to take a closer look at some of the finest football cards we've ever seen. In the early 1990s, Skybox decided it wasn't enough to make atrocious sports cards, so it helped create a series of atrocious sports posters. As if that wasn't bad enough, Skybox then turned said posters into — you guessed it — football cards. Now we're bringing you seven of the most embarrassing images to ever decorate a 14-year-old boy's bedroom (family photos excluded). Apologies in advance.

Ways in which Dan Marino is either armed or dangerous in the above photo:
  • It's dangerous to leave a football helmet on the back of a Corvette. If he forgets it's there, it could fall off and get scratched.
  • He's probably got some guns or something in that duffel bag.
  • It's dangerous to cover up such beautiful Zubaz pants, which is why his jersey is so neatly tucked in.
  • He's armed with a special permit that lets him park on the beach, even though the palm tree clearly bans such activity.
  • It's dangerous to give Marino so much time without pressuring him. Unless it's the playoffs, of course.



Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Jason Bay
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken seashell
Key 2007 stat: Used this photo for his driver's license
Here's what Jason Bay stands for:

Jeez, what is he, 50? Look at those wrinkles!
Arms being held like this for only one reason:
Swamp pits
Or maybe he just doesn't know how to use a bat
None of the other Pirates did that year, after all

Bucs made a lot of headlines in the last decade
And most of them involved trading away their best players
Yes, they traded away Jason Bay, too. (Hi-yo!)